Through the Eyes of a Child

"I had a normal childhood," is something I always used to say.

Through my eyes, normal was... 

–Wearing oversized clothes because that is what the local Helping Hand had.
–Getting $5 at the Dollar Store for Christmas shopping.
–Smelling like cigarette smoke when I got to school.

I didn't know that other parents were so involved.

Through my eyes, normal was...

–Having to split holidays between my parent's families.
–Getting rides home from friends and coaches after every sports practice, game, or tournament.
–Only having contact with my dad through letters for 8.5 years because he was in prison.

I never understood as a child that the household I lived in was unsafe.

Through my eyes, normal was...

–Having to go outside to play when my mom's friends came over.
–Having my parents stay awake for days and days, only to be followed by crashing for days and days.
–Never talking with friends about what happened at home.

I was just the kid who thought everything was alright.

Through my eyes, normal was...

–Always having to go over to friend's houses to shower or fill up water jugs because our water was shut off once again.
–Getting in trouble when a teacher of mine asked my mom if something was wrong at home because I never smiled or laughed.
–Having my older sister play a better mom than my own.

I didn't know until recently that several people I knew called CPS.

Through my eyes, normal was...

–Getting asked at school, "Hey! Wasn't your dad the one who tore the cross off the church and then punched a cop?"
–Watching my high step dad attack my mom because she "had demons inside her"
–Having the police surround my house in the middle of night, being told to get back in bed, followed by the door being broke down, my step-dad pepper sprayed, and hauled off to prison.
–Throwing drug paraphernalia that I found around the house into the sticker bushes because I knew it was something bad.

Wasn't this what every home was like?

Just because the word proud is something I never heard from my parents, should not exclude my own ability to be proud of how far I have come.

I have this friend that grew up in a Christian home, had all the support you could imagine from her family, friends, church, school, etc, got everything she ever wanted or needed...

She just passed away from heroin overdose.

If I didn't have people in high school challenging me to straighten out my life, statistically speaking, that easily could have been me... Should have been me.

I have learned more than ever that so much redemption can come from just surrounding yourself with good people.

I know for a fact that I would not be where I am at today without the amazing support system that I have, and without a God who has woven himself through my story before I even knew Him. I thank the Lord daily for giving me the strength to gracefully let go of the things I did not need in my life.

Revisiting my past has brought up so many emotions.
Emotions that I didn't even know I had.

I have written in past blogs about how the probability of ever having my own children is very slim and that it has left me heartbroken, but my emotions were different this time.

I found myself relieved.

What if I mess up?
What if my addictive tendencies kick back in?
What if I am unable to give my child a different home than the one I grew up in?

But then I remember...

Even amidst all of the troubles, mistakes, and garbage in my life, there is a God who sees and cares deeply. I trust that He has a vision of me in a safe place.

The hand of my God is upon me for good.