Exhausted Trust

The last several weeks have been really hard. It started off with not being able to do chemo because I got so sick 3 hours into it. Then I learned quickly about the havoc chemo had been wreaking on my teeth. I broke two molars while chewing on a piece of hard candy, which then delayed chemo because of infection.

Given I have been extremely blessed to have all my dental work covered, and I have got 75% of the work done within a week of breaking them...I have had a rough time.

On Tuesday I had 5 hours of dental work done while I was awake. I had a root canal done on my right side molar. Then they prepped that same molar for a crown. Then they went on to do all my right side fillings. By this time I had already gotten 6 numbing shots, but my root canal was beginning to throb. I was in pain and we still had to mold and fit a temporary crown. The dentist did a 7th numbing shot, but it didn't work. So I clenched on to the chair and had tears streaming out the side of my glasses and into my ears for the last 20 mins of that procedure. By the time I was done I was in a lot of pain and exhausted. I drove home, and slept for 3 hours.

That was 3 days ago and my cheek is still swollen from all the shots, my root canal is still sore, and I can barely move my jaw from it being open for so long. I have spent the last 3 days snugged up in bed or the couch on pain killers with an ice pack stuck to my face.

I have spent the last several nights tossing and turning. Not only because of my mouth pain but because that is when I find myself chatting with, and sometimes cursing at, God. In the dead of night is when my tears become prayers.

I am tired of having cancer. I am tired of not feeling healthy. I am tired of waking up every morning with aches and pains. I am tired of needles and all things doctor appointments. I am tired of being cautious of where I am and who I am around because my immune system sucks.

I hate not being able to "do my hair." I hate that no matter how many times people tell me I am beautiful, I don't always feel that way. I hate feeling like my life is on pause. I hate knowing that I may never have kids of my own. And I especially hate that all of these teeth problems have pushed back when chemo was supposed to be over.

I have been fighting this damn disease for nearly 2 years now. This journey has been hard from the beginning. Full of anger and doubt.  Next month, on April 6th, will be 2 years since I first heard the doctor say cancer.

I have 4 (maybe 5) more chemos, which means 8 (maybe 10) more weeks. I don't let myself get excited over that though because I know what it feels like to get excited and end up disappointed. I know what it feels like to hear the words in remission, only to hear the word recurrence shortly after. If these scans aren't clean after chemo is done, then there will be talk of a bone marrow transplant.

Gosh... I hope more than anything that those scans are clean. I lay here in bed at 1am typing this out...in tears. I am exhausted, and this is all so hard. Harder than I have ever let anyone see. I hold back tears in a lot of my conversations because I save my cursing and doubtful heart for my "dead of night" chats with God. I save it all for Him because I know ultimately I belong to the Lord.

I don't understand—nor do I think I will ever understand—why God is allowing me to walk this road. Oh, how I wish I didn't have to. If given the choice on what I wanted my life to look like, cancer would be at the bottom of the list. I've prayed time and time again, as well as had thousands of others joining me in prayer, for God to take this cup from me. But nonetheless, here I am. There's no denying it and there's no getting around it.

I have the choice to be miserable or joyful. Some may think it's not a choice, but I would challenge that stance. Though often times we cannot choose our circumstances, we can choose our emotions. I choose joy. I choose life. I choose to trust and love a God who is with me and for me.

Choosing to trust Him isn't easy and I have to turn my battle over to Him every day. I have to wake up every morning and tell myself that I can do it. More often than not, I have to "suck it up" and just keep fighting. It's a hard struggle, but I am discovering more of myself than I ever have. When I feel weak, I know that God is strong. He has not given me this disease, but for whatever reason, He has allowed it. For what the enemy is trying to use against me, God is transforming into something miraculous and good. I have hard days. I grieve. I cry. I don't want to leave the house, let alone get out of my bed. I experience pain and heartbreak.

But I DO have good days. Greats days in fact. Life is put into perspective when you are fighting for it. I laugh. I experience joy and hope. Certain things have changed in my life, but I have continued to hold on to things that bring me happiness. I have people around me, whether I know them or not, that just want to help. I have chosen to let them help.

And dammit, I won't give up! Because as soon as I resign myself, it's over. This is an epic battle and I am a soldier. I am on the front lines, and with my medical staff and The Man upstairs, I will crash through this diagnosis with guns blazing.

I have allowed myself to experience the rough days. After all, cancer is shitty. I give myself permission to be sad, angry, hurt, and devastated. Sometimes all it takes is someone to say, "It's okay to cry." However, once I have exhausted myself from tears, I pick myself up and keep going. On days that I don't feel well, I get out of the house. I don't isolate myself. I try to enjoy the world...spending time with friends and family, laughing, eating good food. I don't let my diagnosis run my life because I am not a cancer patient, rather a person who just so happens to have cancer.

Through all of this, God remains faithful. My plans and His are not in alignment, yet I know that His will for my life is far greater than I can imagine. For that reason, I continue to trust in His healing power, and know that He's got it all figured out!