Power from Weakness

Whenever I find myself in a bad mood, I grab My Box and start going through it all.

Inside My Box, you will find cards, letters, and other fun stuff that I have received throughout these last couple of weeks and have continued to receive. This is a huge source of encouragement to me and I am so thankful for everyone who has contributed to my box thus far.

These last few weeks, and I am sure the next couple weeks to come, have been a huge roller coaster. I find myself in a great mood one day and then completely opposite the next. But through it all, I have found strength. 

There was one card in particular that I received in the mail that has been a real constant reminder to me of where my strength comes from.

This poem has been a huge inspiration through this walk of mine, and I clutch on to this necklace that I received from a dear fried every time I feel shaken.

Inside the card that came with this, I was reminded that even though, like the Oak Tree, I will feel the wind and rain... I will find my strength from my deep roots set in Christ and also strength from those who I let love me through this.

And those words speak such truth.

Christ has blessed me tremendously me with so many people that I have allowed to love me through this. Whether it be people who send me cards, make me mashed potatoes, hang out with me almost every day, call me on the phone, just sit in silence with me because their presence means so much, and even those who email me because they know exactly what I am going through... Every little thing has provided me with strength that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9.

My core strength has definitely come from my deeps roots set in Christ. My flesh is weaker than ever before, but my spirit is strong. I want others to see His power through my weakness. I have to ask on a daily basis for the Lord to be strong enough for both of us because I know I could not do this on my own (encouragement from the song Strong Enough by Matthew West).

He is daily source of strength, peace, and rest.
And I will forever praise Him for that.

Lord, here I am at Your feet. 

Praising You for all that You have

done for me and for all that You will

continue to do. Your power is made

perfect in my weakness and I

am blessed because of it.

God is Near and He is Good

I have had such a hard time these past couple weeks even if I "look good" or have a giant smile on my face. I have asked the question, "Why?" more times in these past couple weeks than I think I have in my whole life. But one thing that I have found interesting is the change of connotation before that question.

At first I found myself questioning the Lord of the purpose behind this, feeling angry that I couldn't be the one who had the miracle story. "Why me, Lord?" But that completely changed over the course of just a few days. I have felt an unexplainable peace that seems almost supernatural. Instead I find myself curiously asking Why, searching for an answer of what His will is behind this situation.

I don't think I am able to say that I have found an answer to that question, as much as I wish I have. I can't sit here and say that I understand why... At least not yet.

But what I do know is that through my experiences, I am able to draw near to Christ in a way that I have never before.

"My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:7-8


It has been a constant battle between my heart and my flesh. My heart belongs to the Lord, and I want more than ever to just fully submerse in His love. My flesh says otherwise though. It is weaker than it has ever been before. But how else do I end this battle other than saying that He is my strength. I have been constantly reminded that God is good. And up until now, I don't think I really believed in these words.

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8.


God is good. He is ALWAYS good. God never promised me perfect health for all of my life, but He promised me that His love would never change. Tonight I listened to these lyrics and found myself in tears.


"You stay the same through the ages. 
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails"


Then I connected this song to a book quote.

"What gives me hope is the belief that God will be faithful, because he has been faithful before, to me and the people around me. I need reminders. I need to be told that he was faithful then, and then, and then. Just because I have forgotten how to see doesn't mean it isn't there. His goodness is there. His promised have been kept. All I need to do it see."


I have blinded myself with anger, bitterness, confusion, etc. I have not taken the time to truly realize that He has always been faithful. His love has never changed despite the suffering in my life. He makes ALL things work together for our good. I wait in hope for the Lord, for He is my shield and strength. He has never left my side no matter how blinded I have become.

Sometimes He is just so close that I can't feel it.

Lord, although I still don't understand Your

will for this, I am trusting You. I have had my

anger fits and You have answered with covering

me with unexplainable peace and comfort. Thank

You for always being good and always being near.

Disconnection

Today as I went out back and sat in the sun by myself with a book, I felt this whoosh of serenity take over me. It was a kind of calm that I have not yet felt these last couple weeks.

I have found myself so...worried...no, that's not the right word... more like inclined, to make sure everyone knows what it going on. I wanted encouragement. I wanted prayer. I just wanted to stay connected to people through this because I thought that if I had time alone to think, I would just want to break down. But I must admit, almost every time I do find myself alone–my mind wanders way farther than it should and I do end up crying most of the time.

And it's not that I don't want encouragement, prayer and some alone time, but not to the extent to where I find myself buried. I was talking to a friend about this and she said it perfectly.

"In situations like this, people come up out of the woodwork."

And it's SO true. I mean, I am not discounting anyone's concern for what is going on in my life right now, because I am almost positive I am the same way in situations like this. But, if I haven't talked to you in years, you're probably not going to be the first person I call or text when I am feeling well enough to visit people. I don't want to sound rude by any means, but it's the truth.

I get text after text from people that never wanted to hang out with me when I came home before, but now that there is "a story to tell," they act as if we've been best friends since kindergarten. I find myself super irritated when I get texts from these same people, over and over, even after I told them specifically, "If I feel up to having you over, I will let you know." Hint Hint.

I really don't mean for this to be bashing anyone who has done this, but I am tired. Enough said.

I also don't want this to sound like I hate when people come over because that is absolutely not true.

There is someone that I have had come over almost every day since I have been back, and I don't think I would want it any other way. There are people that I love texting throughout the day because they can make me smile even when I am not anywhere near them. There are people that I just want to talk to because they have always been there for me. When I am connected to these people, I feel happy. I don't feel overwhelmed because I want them to be able to love me through this. 

But today as I sat by myself outside, I was able to just be. 

I didn't have anything to worry about besides how much sunscreen to put on. (which I guess didn't matter anyways because I got a little burnt) =/

These last few weeks I think I have always been unconsciously overwhelmed, but it did not completely surface today. 

My phone is constantly going off. Whether it be phone calls or texts, I feel like my phone never leave my hands. My facebook/email is constantly blowing up. Whether it be messages or wall posts, I feel like I am constantly replying to something.

I think what I am basically getting at is that I just want to disappear... Wouldn't that just be awesome? I feel like I am totally contradicting today though because I had such a wonderful visit this morning that made my heart completely happy, but now I feel like crawling in hole and not talking to anyone.

I want some time to just be able to think on my own and maybe even get some journaling done because that is something that I have wanted to do but fill my awake time with visits. 

So all that being said, I think I have come to a conclusion...

Tomorrow I am going to shut off my phone, turn off my computer, and disconnect myself. 

Facing Anger and Trusting Him

If I could choose one word to describe my general feeling for the last two weeks, it would probably be the word.....Bitter.


And I understand that I probably have all the right in the world to feel this way, but I just wish it didn't have to be like this. I am 20 years old and should not have to be at this big of a battle. It's just not fair!


I mean honestly...
Why couldn't I have the story of a miracle?
Why couldn't God answer my prayers/the prayers of others for me?
Why did it have to be me?


And there is the problem right there....

As I was typing out these questions, I couldn't help but notice that I am making this all about me. But in my situation, is it even possible not to only think about myself and my well being?

I have found myself tired of hearing, "God has a plan for this."

Really? Does He? Because I sure am not seeing anything like that right now!

And to some extent, I have really had a hard time getting Bible verse after Bible verse sent to me. I mean, don't get me wrong–they are very much appreciated. (and don't stop sending them just because you read this!) But sometimes when I receive them I am having a little anger fit and have a hard time accepting that He is speaking to me. He wants me to trust Him. He wants me to understand that the "joy of the Lord is my strength."

I read the book Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey a while back, and I think I even blogged about this quote before, but I have it on a sticky note on my desktop. And I think that it is very relevant to my life right now.

"We tend to think, 'Life should be fair because God is fair.' But God is not life. And if I confuse God with the physical reality of life–by expecting constant good health for example–then I set myself up for crashing disappointment."

Did I set myself up for crashing disappointment by thinking that this newfound reality would never be me? Did I just assume I would make it through life without having to face this?

Maybe I did set myself up for disappointment.

I am not saying that through this I have not felt the presence of the Lord because I have. A lot of it has come through the people who are constantly present in my life supporting me and encouraging me, whether it be making me Paper Chain Countdowns, sending me texts, calling me on the phone, writing me messages, sending me awesome care packages, simply checking in on me, etc....

I could not be more blessed. 


Here is a passage from the book Where Is God When It Hurts by Philip Yancey that I have found to be very thought-provoking. A dear friend sent it to me and said that I reminded them of Job. What a compliment!

"God wants us to choose to love him freely, even when that choice involves pain, because we are committed to him, not to our own feelings and rewards. He wants us to cleave to him, as Job did, even when we have every reason to deny him hotly. That, I believe, is the central message of Job. Satan had taunted God with the accusation that humans are not truly free. Was Job faithful simply because God had allowed him a prosperous life? Job's fiery trials proved the answer beyond doubt. Job clung to God's justice when he was the best example in the history of God's apparent injustice. He did not seek the Giver because of his gifts; when all gifts were removed he still sought the Giver."

Lord, here I am in the midst of yet

another anger fit. I just have such a

hard time really understanding why 

this had to be another one of Your

"genius ideas." I am pleading at Your

feet that You let me in on this. It would 

be so much easier if I knew the plan, Lord.

My heart hurts, but I am choosing to trust You.

Peace Amidst The Chaos

It's times like these when I wish I could explain what is exactly going through my mind. I have had a lot of time trying to think through this trial, but for some reason nothing comes.

And I don't know if it is because I have been trying to mentally block everything out so I just don't have to deal with the stress, worry, and anxiety? Or if it because I truly feel at peace knowing that I am surrounded by a beloved community and I have a God that has great plans for me no matter what circumstances I am going through. Either way, my level of fear has definitely sky rocketed.

Yesterday I was an emotional wreck trying to explain my current life to a million people, but that left room for me today to just try to sift things out myself. I have packed my day so far with homework and although I seem to be getting quite a bit done, my mind tends to wander a lot to negative thoughts. That is when I pull up verses and quotes that are reminders of His daily love for me no matter what I am going through.

• God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His wisdom, but we have to simply trust His will.
• For He Himself is our peace—Ephesians 2:14
• Be still and know that I am God—Psalm 46:10
• If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
• I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid—John 14:27
• Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest—Matthew 11:28
• my health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever—Psalm 73:26
• Things don't grow high on mountain tops, they grow low in the valleys.
• His perfect love casts out fear.

Lord, it is reminders like these that make me know that You truly do provide peace in situations like this. You use our trials for Your triumphs. You are a God that is SO much bigger than any problem we are faced with. I truly believe that anything that comes to us has to pass first through Jesus. And if You allow it to come this far, it must come with a purpose in my life. I trust in You Lord. 

Peace: It doesn't mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

I am finding peace amidst the chaos.