Goodbyes are always so hard.

Who knew that within just under a week I feel like my whole world has turned completely upside down.

I mean everything about having an amazing floor and that I am loved, is still there.

But that doesn't change the fact that I feel like crap.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I am having a hard time even smiling right now.

I took a trip to Eugene yesterday afternoon for a trip that would soon become one of the hardest things of my life.

I was told on Monday that my grandma probably only had days to live. Which that alone was heart-breaking.

My friend, Kayla Ward, was quick to completely understand and be there to comfort me. She went through something similar last year and has no problem helping me get through it. She drove me down there because she knew that I would not be able to handle the drive back by myself last night.

On the drive down I tried to mentally prepare myself, but I didn't exactly know how.

I tried to picture my grandma the way I had last seen her, but that image quickly went out of my head the minute I walked into the door because what I saw was something that tore me apart.

My grandma has always been there for me and I wouldn't change that for the world. I am blessed to have had the opportunity to have someone that amazing in my life.

I sat next to my grandma's bedside holding her hand just crying. Everyone was telling me that she could hear me if I talked to her, but I didn't know what to say. I wasn't ready for a goodbye, but who ever wants to say goodbye, right?

After not being able to say anything, I moved back to the couch, weeping in Kayla's arms, wanting so much to be able to talk to her. I couldn't handle looking at my grandma who used to be so outspoken and  up and around at all time, now laying in a bed, not moving a bit (except an occasional twitch), not talking, or even opening her eyes. I was making myself believe that if maybe I went over there and talked, that she would wake up.

I couldn't do anything but sit there hand in hand with her, crying and praying.

I was there for only 3 1/2 hours, but I don't think I could have stayed there any longer than that and emotionally be able to handle it.

I got back to George Fox around 10pm and just sat in Kayla's room trying to calm myself and trying to stop crying.

I am probably running on very few hours of sleep and no food, causing me to be a little more emotional than usual, but I miss her so much!

I sit here writing this blog, tears streaming down my face.

I said goodbye to one of the most important people in my life last night, and I am not quite sure I was ready to.

Complete Satisfaction.

Isn't it just crazy how in one month, everything can be changed around.

In my last blog I had no control over my emotions.

I wasn't thinking clearly and I was just getting into the groove of college.

I know my place now.

I Am Happy!

I have yet to say this in full honesty since I have been here. 

I have found complete satisfaction in who I am and where I am.

I am a Spiritual Life Assistant on my floor. This "title" doesn't make me ranked any higher than any other girl on my floor and I am proud to say that I wouldn't want it any other way.

I want to be able to know the girls on my floor in a way no one else on campus knows them. I want to worship with them. I want to love Jesus with them. I want to serve with them. I want to grow with them.

My floor is simply amazing. 

There are people whom I trust with my life completely, people who push me closer to God, people who enjoy late night talks about life, people I want to get to know better, people who just make me smile, people who could very well be lifetime friends. 

I have a complete peace with God about where He has put me.

I have the right people here that I can go to for anything and I have the right people back home that I can go to for anything. Just the perfect combination.

And what I have realized that is really weird about this post is that I am probably in the peak of stress as I type this blog, yet I just feel so.......

Satisfied.

I currently am facing a potentially bad problem with my back.

I will be going to the specialist on Monday, October 25th to hear my plan for healing.

This has done nothing but put a huge burden on my shoulders, but yet God has balanced it so very well with the perfect things. I have professors who understand and pray for me. I have an area coordinator that truly cares about my well-being. I have an RA who helps me get through it. I have a Health and Counseling doctor on campus who consistently checks on me. I have an all around amazing support system right here on campus that love me enough to help me get through this.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. 

God has helped me understand what it means to worry. 

I have realized that it is a personal, mental agitation that disturbs my peace of mind.

I worry about many things, but God provides so much peace that it outweighs everything.

God is so good and I am glad He has provided me with

Complete Satisfaction.