Relying on Him

I jokingly told a friend the other day that I wish I could just hibernate for the next three weeks, but I am starting to think that I wasn't really joking as much as I thought I was.

I say this not to be anti-social, but rather I am just in this weird funk that seems almost impossible to get out of. I spent all Saturday morning and afternoon in solitude—just me and Jesus—and I thought that that might do the trick. I thought maybe if I just dug deep into His presence, then my heart would be so full that I would feel like everything was better.

Today I feel like my cup is empty. I am so exhausted in every aspect. I feel as if my strength has been stripped away, leaving me in a very emotional state. I came back to my room after a long day of classes and couldn't do anything but cry. And there wasn't really any good reason besides feeling overwhelmed and as if my hope is slowly dwindling away. I know there is so much truth behind the statement "Well, we all have bad days" but this has been going on for almost a week now, and I am worn out.

I can only hope and pray that this nightmare will be over at the end of these next three weeks, but until then I cannot continue to allow myself to fall into the lies that the enemy has been consistently whispering in my ear.

"You are weak, and can be defeated."
"How can you believe that God is with you?"
"There is no purpose in this suffering. Give up."
"It's not worth the fight."

These are all things that I know with all of my heart are not true, but when they are persistently being fed to me... I can't help but break down; crying out to God that He makes His presence known by surrounding me with an unexplainable peace.

At this moment in time, all I can think about it how CS Lewis says it best—"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done."

I pray that I can realize every morning that there is no other way to live than to rely on Him with all of my being; trusting that He is always with me, even when I don't feel it.

Three Seconds

I woke up this morning excited that I had nothing planned. I was going to lay in my bed all day and just watch TV shows on my laptop. It sounded like a perfect day to me!

I got up and sat at my desk to read my Bible for a little bit, and right then and there... it hit me. After getting a full nights rest (12 hours! Thank you Lord!) why on Earth would I want to crawl right back in bed all day and do nothing?

I was trying to think about what I could do.

Something fun. And spontaneous... away from Fox and by myself.

Of course the first thing that pops into my head is road trip.
But to where?

Cannon Beach. Enough said.

I immediately got up, got dressed, grabbed some extra clothes in case it was raining... And I was off.

This morning and afternoon spent in Cannon Beach was absolute bliss and exactly what I needed. I spent the whole drive to Cannon Beach in prayer; turning all of my worries over to the only One who can handle them all.

Then I spent time walking the beach, as well as a good chunk of time at Insomnia Coffee Company reading my Bible and journaling about something that has been challenging me lately.

How often do we strain ourselves searching for the peace that is described in Philippians?

"Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

I feel like I am constantly praying and searching for that peace, but do I ever just be still?

My friend challenged me by sharing this:

"I was talking to *John (forgot name) and he was telling me about how he was sitting in the chair at that game, and just in 3 seconds he sat back and watched his family and friends share drinks, laugh, smile, and talk. And just in those 3 seconds, he was overwhelmed by peace."

I wonder how many times I have missed my 3 seconds, or how many times I get mad because it's not longer than that.

Today was different though.

As I stood at the waters edge, staring out into the vastness of the ocean, I felt a peace like I never have before.

Lord, I want to thank you for my '3 seconds' today and I want to pray that I continue to be still long enough to experience it more often. 

Blissful Day.

Prayerful Tears

If you told me a year ago—I mean heck—if you even told me the day before I was diagnosed that I was going to battle cancer at 20 years old, I would have never believed you.

Cancer is one of those things you obviously know happens, but never believe will happen to you.

Having cancer has taught me a lot, but the learning has been painful, isolating, discouraging.... heartbreaking.

People call me brave and strong; inspirational and courageous. And generally speaking, I always have a hard time believing these compliments. I am just simply trying my best to live a normal life in the face of great adversity.

I am not trying to undermine these encouraging compliments that many of you have given me because honestly your words of affirmation are what get me through most days. People tell me what they're praying for some days—for example:
"I pray that the peace that passes understanding will be with you today. God moves even when we don't feel Him and His spirit is laying heavy on you today." or "Praying that you feel the hand of God today but also praying that for those times you can't feel it, that you would cling to the knowledge you have in the Lord."... These things are very appreciated and needed.

Something else I hear all the time is that people don't believe that they would be like me in this situation; they seem to not believe that they would adhere to their faith. And in all honesty, I didn't think that I would have the strength that I do either, but this is just a clear example that God does give you strength when you need it.

I have cried more in just the last couple days than I have throughout my whole cancer battle thus far. I don't know why, but I am having such a hard time. I find myself constantly wishing that this wasn't the road I had to be on; wishing that there is some way to go back in time and somehow not get cancer. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow that is going tell me whether I will be needing a bone marrow transplant, and find myself already preparing for the procedure because I expect the worst. I mean, I already have one of my best friends who wants to donate bone barrow for me if she is a match.

I am constantly praying for those around me, but as soon as it comes to having a conversation with God about myself–I choke up. I don't know what to say. I try so hard to believe that prayer is powerful enough to move the hand of God, but I can't help but wonder why it hasn't done so yet.

"Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can't speak."

I believe that God has a plan for me beyond my cancer, but until then, I need to be okay that my prayers may only consist of tears. And in the midst of crying, I will turn my focus towards Him, and maybe for just a second I can bask in His holiness while the worldly woes vanish around me.

It Is Well

It has been a very draining week. I have spent countless hours in the hospital between surgery, physical therapy, radiation, more biopsies, and getting ready for chemo that starts tomorrow. It is difficult to continuously be crushed by the power of cancer and the looming threat of spreading and relapse.

How do I find any kind of comfort in this?

I find myself constantly frustrated that the end is always just out of reach, but today I was reminded that it is a choice each and every single day to choose how I look at the situation I am in . Of course I need to make sure I am honest about my feelings, but what if even on the hardest of days I chose to always seek out the comfort of Christ?

As suffering has overtaken my heart, filled my mind with fear, and has turned my life upside down—I must choose to turn to Christ for comfort and peace. He is the only genuine hope we can cling to in such dark and sorrow filled moment.

William Cowper said in a poem, "Behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face." I am certain that God has hidden His smiling face behind this bitter providence in my life. It's just hard because the only thing I continue to see is the looming clouds of darkness. I have found that the comforting words of friends and the peace of God that passes all understanding are what is capable of bringing true hope in the midst of this all.

Today in church we sang It Is Well with My Soul, then after the service a sweet friend of mine came up to me and said, "Is it well with your soul? I was thinking about you during that song!"

I didn't know what to say. It is, but it isn't. I came home and immediately listened to the song again.

     When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, 'It is well with my soul.'
     Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
     My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part, but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
     And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll, The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, 'Even so,' it is well with my soul. 
Chorus: It is well with my soul, It is well, it is well with my soul

How can I find hope and comfort in the midst of suffering? I can run to Jesus and find absolute hope and comfort in the death of Jesus Christ. Jesus' death has completely defeated my suffering. Hope doesn't exist in the world, but it does exist in Christ.

So even now, in the midst of my suffering; in the midst of the unknown, heartache, frustration and fear...

It is well with my soul.

Just Out Of Reach

Today I have spent a lot of time in tears; tears of frustration.

Complete remission has been just within arms reach several times in the last 6 1/2 months, but each time the door gets slammed right in my face.

While sitting at my doctors appointment today, my doctor walked in with a little folder and informed me that my biopsy results are in.

My eyes got big, almost gleaming in a sense, because I believed that today was going to be the day that I would be declared cancer-free.

But my doctor had a different look in his eye.

A look of despair; of sorrow... The look of bad news.

Everything he started explaining to me made no sense at all. And I mean that literally. I think this was honestly the first time that I was completely confused at what the results showed.

The best explanation I received was this:

"The cells in the removed lymph nodes and the cells in the newly enlarged lymph nodes are all acting and spreading as if they are cancerous, but they show no physical characteristics (such as shape, genetic mutations, etc.) that would indicate cancer." 

All I heard from all of this is that I have to go through 4 weeks of oral chemo starting on Monday to kill off these abnormal cells.

Once again, I am left making a 28-link paper chain; hoping that this would be the last one I have to make for this cancer battle.

BATTLE [bat-tle/batl/]: Fight or struggle tenaciously to achieve or resist something.
SOLDIER [sol-jer]: Someone who fights FOR you.

These are words that have constantly been used these last 6 1/2 months. I am suited up for battle, and I am so thankful to have so many soldiers in my corner.

"Everybody has a home team: It's the people you call when you get a flat tire or when something terrible happens. It's the people who, near or far, know everything that's wrong with you and love you anyways. These are the ones who tell you their secrets, who get themselves a glass of water without asking when they're at your house. These are the people who cry when you cry. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people." 
*Shauna Niequist; Bittersweet.

I have these kind of people in my life. I have a home team. My support system seems infinite and because of that-I am incredibly blessed. This whole thing is a constant reminder that we are ALL intimately loved by the God who has infinite resources, that come in the form of these amazing people, these helping hands...adding strength and courage to any fight.

I swear, without them, I would not have made it this far.

They are there for my sad days with endless solace and support and on the blessed victorious days, with tearful cheers.

This is proof that He is always consistent and steadfast; always providing.

There isn't any amount of darkness that even one small candle can't brighten and in that, faith and hope are rising. Right. Now.

God is still good;
Even when my world has been shaken over and over again.

Progress in Steps

As most of you know, I have been going through physical therapy these last couple days. During surgery, in order to get to the cancerous lymph nodes in my groin, they had to cut through my muscle and nerves in my upper thigh. Leaving me unable to walk very far without a lot of pain.

I was really disappointed after my first physical therapy appointment, but then again I think I let myself down because I had such high expectations for recovery. I was upset that during my first appointment I didn't improve my walking distance at all. If anything, I felt like I was walking less because we did so many stretches that make me ridiculously sore. It's honestly so crazy how much pain there is just while walking from a muscle in your upper thigh being cut through.

But thank God I have friends who hold me accountable about having high expectations. I had a friend who gave me a reality check by making sure that I realized it was only 5 days ago that they cut into my leg. I mean, even then I really wanted to get up and moving soon.

I told my PT that I had the goal of being back at Fox within a week, he said that with where I am now that that might be stretching it. I say Challenge Accepted.

Day two started with a lot of stretches. And if I had any say in it, I would have been done after the first one. The stretching that he does hurts way worse than the actual walking.

In fact, it hurt so much that I kicked my physical therapist in the face!

Okay, I didn't do it on purpose, but it's fun to make it sound that way. He did some stretch where put my leg up, bent my knee, and then pushed down. And somehow from that my instant reflex was to kick my leg up, which happened to also be where his face was located. Of course I felt bad, but he just laughed it off and said that it has happened before.

This whole physical therapy thing was concerning me because he was doing all of these stretches, but never actually working on my walking. I had been there two days and we did 45 minutes of stretching each time. I mean, couldn't I do that at home?

When I walked into day three, my physical therapist wasn't anywhere in site like normal. The assistant told me to take a seat over on the stretching table and that he would be right now.

Then from around the corner my physical therapist walked in...

With a face mask on!

I started busting up laughing. He took it off and said he just enjoyed giving me a hard time. We began stretching again and I asked if this was going to another 45 minutes of stretching or was I actually going to work on walking with him.

He looked at me an sort of chuckled. He said, "Well you know how to walk don't know? Why would we need to work on that?"

Which I guess makes complete sense, but I know how to stretch too!

Then he told me that once again, he was joking with me and that we will start walking distance tomorrow!

So here I am after day three of physical therapy, still believing that I will be back at Fox by next week. I am working hard to make that happen. I do my stretches at home, and I scale the hallways in order to get more pressure applied to my leg so if anything I can get used to the pain.

"If you are persistent long enough, even though the journey is physically hard and often tiresome, you may reach a place of beauty and splendor beyond comprehension."

I am having to constantly remind myself that progress is progress, no matter how small. And I need to understand that sometimes I have to accept the little steps before I can receive the bigger outcome.

Living 'Palms Up'

"I used to think clenched fists would help me fight better, but now I know they made me weaker."

This is the opening statement to a chapter in Bob Goff's book Love Does.

Bob Goff talks about how most people could get angry at a grapefruit when ours fists are clenched and that seems to be how we think we'll get the most out of life.

But how can we take the image of a clenched fist most commonly used for fighting and parallel it to using a clenched fist for anything good?

It made me think about how often I approach life with a clenched fist. Have I had a clenched fist during my whole cancer battle? Have I assumed that in order to keep fighting, I need to punch my way through the tough things?

By having my fists clenched, I think it prevents me from receiving blessing.

We can't live life with clenched fists... Jesus calls us to live life with Palms Up.

"Something about the hardwiring God gave each of us links the position of our bodies and position of our hearts."

Are my fists clenched and is my heart closed? What would life look like if I lived with my palms up and my heart open? Would it be harder for me to get defensive or frustrated?

Living palms up means you are hiding nothing, and don't look at life as a way to "gain or lose." Palms up means you are strong enough to be vulnerable, even with your enemies. Even when you have been extremely hurt. Jesus was palms up, always.

"When people ask me what it looks like to follow Jesus, I usually say that following Him looks like dealing with all of the issues everyone else does—disappointments, tremendous joy, uncertainty, the whole bit—and having your mind change all the time as you learn how Jesus would've dealt with things."

It makes me wonder...

How would Jesus handle having cancer?

The Waiting Game

I hate waiting.

I have to wait to hear my results.
I have to wait to go back to Fox.
I have to wait before I can take a bath (which I desperately want to do!)

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Yes, I have a positive attitude through most of this, but I also don't put my angers and frustrations on facebook. That is what my blog is for.

Today I posted "Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to the doctors I go (insert whistling here)." Which almost makes it seem as if I didn't have a problem going to the doctors.

But in reality, my aunt had to literally drag me out of bed. I woke up this morning and somehow forgot about my leg and swung quickly out of bed and obviously put way too much pressure on that leg because I collapsed to the ground in tears. The movement that I did wasn't any different than any normal person would do, but my leg isn't ready for that yet.

After this happened, I got back in bed and told myself that I was not even going to try. I got really stubborn and decided that maybe if I just stopped trying to walk on it and just stayed in bed all week then maybe by next week it would be completely fine to walk on.

We all know that this would not work, as my leg would probably stiffen and my muscle wouldn't heal right, but I am just sick of taking baby steps. I am still trying to find the milestones that I can celebrate, but it's been 2 days since I walked the distance of the hallway at the hospital and I have not been able to walk that far again.

I think I was just so eager to get out of the hospital, that I was so determined to do whatever it took.

Going into the surgery I knew that there was going to be pain involved, and a recovery time. I guess I just underestimated how much "recovery" there would be. I didn't know that I would have to pretty much treat my leg as if they just did knee surgery and learn to walk all over again. They cut through my upper thigh muscles and nerves to remove lymph nodes. Who knew that I wouldn't be able to walk because of that?

I told many people before surgery that I wish there was a way to have surgery, but not have to deal with recovery. I think I wished that now more than ever.

After my aunt drug me out bed, she worked with me on walking out to the car by myself. I made it about a fourth of the way there and wanted to sit down on the ground.

The image I had in my head was a little kid laying on their belly, kicking their arms and legs, screaming and crying.

If only that was appropriate for a 20-year-old to do...

Milestones

This recovery time is going to be all about milestones for me. It is extremely hard to be held up in bed so much.

I was laying in bed from 10am on Friday until 10am on Sunday.
A whole 48 hours!

If you know me at all, you know that this does not rest well with me. I had to eat gross hospital food (except my first meal after surgery), I couldn't even use an actual bathroom, I still haven't been able to shower since Friday morning, and it hurts to move most of the time.

This morning when I woke up the doctors realized that it had been 24 hours and my fluid bag only had 19mL in it, meaning they were able to remove the tubes from my leg.

After they removed the tube, they bandaged up my leg and said that the physical therapist would be in in about an hour or so to see if I could walk. This brought a huge smile to my face! I think I looked at the clock every minute during that hour hoping that she would be coming in early.

When she walked in the door, I was ready to jump out of bed but little did I realize-my body was definitely not ready to do that.

As soon as I stood up, I was in so much pain that I wanted to lay back down. She continued to inform me that I needed to take some steps. I took about 5 steps and then got back in bed.

This was really frustrating to me. I guess I just had such high expectations for my recovery that I just wished that I wasn't going to be held up for so long.

I was then told that if I could walk down to the end of the hallway without excruciating pain, then I could go home.

Challenge accepted.

I worked hard every other hour to take a couple more steps each time, and the second before last time I realized that it was going to take about 15 steps to get to the end of the hallway. (technically 30 steps because I am counting steps by just my right leg).

So around 4pm I got up out of my bed knowing that this was going to be the time I made it to the end. I started walking and about 3/4 of the way there, my leg was super tired. I never realized how much you use your upper thigh when walking, but I was determined to make it.

When I reached the end of the hallway, I collapsed on the ground in exhaustion and my physical therapist started clapping. This boosted my spirits a whole lot. I haven't started making my trek home yet, but I am pretty sure we are leaving within the next couple of hours. I don't know what my next milestone will be, but I am excited to find the joy in it.

Every single milestone, whether big or small, is a chance to find joy in this hard journey. And a chance to give glory to our Heavenly Father who is in control of every detail in this season of my life.

"Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right, and the determined choice to praise God in all things."

I truly believe that in this time of familiar, but unknown territory that by clinging onto God's presence does not show any special strength on my part, but rather that God does provide strength when you need it most.

His Light Shines

Before the surgery, I knew that there was a possibility of having to wait awhile before I heard the results from the biopsies they will be doing. But today I found out that it is going to close to 2 weeks, if not more before I find out my next plan of treatment is.

If the lymph nodes that they removed from my armpit show any sign of cancer, then that means I have stage 3 lymphoma and will be needing to start chemotherapy again as soon as possible. If they don't show cancer, then they will do a scan to make sure that there aren't any other swollen lymph nodes and then do a couple radiations and then I would be declared in complete remission. So these are obviously 2 opposite sides of the spectrum that we are looking at.

I had a meltdown this morning thinking about the things that could potentially lie ahead. I don't want to have to start going through chemo again. I don't want to have to suit up for battle once again and have to endure through the intense pain that I felt before. I can only pray that God will intercede on my behalf; that He would make this cancer be gone from my body. Does healing count when it is only temporary? I know that He has plans for me beyond my cancer, but when will that be? 

After spending all this time questioning the Lord and what the purpose in having to go through this once again was, I picked up Jesus Calling. 

And again, the Lord is so faithful. 

October 6th.

     Be willing to follow wherever I lead. Follow Me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don't know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight, but nonetheless very real. To receive these gifts, you much walk by faith–not by sight. This doesn't mean closing your eyes to what is all around you. It means subordinating the visible world to the invisible Shepherd of your soul.

     Sometimes I lead you up a high mountain with only My hand to support you. The higher you climb, the more spectacular the view becomes; also, the more keenly you sense your separation from the world with all its problems. This frees you to experience exuberantly the joyous reality of My Presence. Give yourself fully to these Glory-moments, awash in dazzling Light. I will eventually lead you down the mountain, back in community with others. Let My Light continue to shine within you as you walk among people again.

2 Corinthians 5:7

For we live by faith, not by sight.

Psalm 96:6

Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and glory are in his sanctuary. 

Because the Lord knows what lies ahead, then I am choosing to have faith that I am going to be okay. I will continue to let His light shine through this suffering as I walk among other people. 

He is Faithful

I lay here 45 minutes before my surgery reminded of God's faithfulness in my life. The doctors are finally done poking me with needles, and then I received a text from a friend saying they read Jesus Calling today and thought of me. I then remembered that I had Jesus Calling in my backpack. This devotional book is a 365 day devotion, so it has each date written at the top. 

Today: October 5th.

       Remember that Joy is not dependent on your circumstances. Come of the world's most miserable people are those whose circumstances seem most enviable. People who reach the top of the ladder career-wise are often surprised to find emptiness awaiting them. True Joy is a by-product of living in My Presence. Therefore you can experience it in palaces, in prisons...anywhere.

       Do not judge a day as devoid of Joy just because it contains difficulties. Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me. Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves. Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them. If you make problem-solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult days.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree does not bud

   and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

   and the fields produce no food, 

though there are no sheep in the pen

   and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

   I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;

   he makes my feet like the feet of a deeer,

   he enables me to treat on the heights.

1 Chronicles 16:27

Splendor and majesty are before him;

   strength and joy are in his dwelling place.

I was just given a ten minute warning to head into the actually surgery room to finish final preparations. I know it seems crazy that I am blogging right before going under, but I wanted you to be able to rejoice in His faithfulness with me. 

God works in incredible ways!

Joy as Strength

Packing was really easy this morning. Normally when I am coming home I have to think about all the things I am planning on doing and what I should wear for that.

Church clothes.
Coffee date clothes.
Hang out clothes.
Sleepover clothes.
And so many other things.

This time it was simple... After surgery clothes was all that I needed. Which completely consisted of basketball shorts, running shorts, sweats, and a lot of cut-off shirts as well as oversize t-shirts.

Tomorrow is the big day. The incisions that they will be doing are on my upper leg/groin area and then one on my side by my armpit. Very awkward places! Which explains the clothes that I packed. I need loose fitting, comfortable clothing that will not bother my incisions.

I ended up saving packing for the last minute because I really did not want to do it. I did not want to face the reality that I was leaving Fox and heading back to Washington for an extended period of time. I mean, I feel like I just got back to school!

I have been wanting so much to sit down and write the last couple of weeks because there is so much emotion surrounding the fact that the cancer came back, but I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't, and still can't, find the words to say.

I want to be able to say that I am doing great, or that this is a lot easier the second time around. Which in a sense, yes–it is. But cancer is cancer no matter how many times you have it.

Something that I have come to know realize though is that God is still good no matter how many times I get cancer.

Yes, there are days where I don't feel like getting up.
Yes, there are days when I feel like God is distant.
Yes, there are days that I wish things were different.

But I am still clinging to the fact that He has never left my side. I don't believe that God had cancer in His plan for me, but I do believe that He can bring some kind of purpose to it since He has chosen not to intercede yet.

I have been surprised at how many people have told me that they are inspired by my continued trust in the Lord despite the challenges I have been facing. But I think I am only surprised at that because what else would I do in a time like this?

If I turned my back on the Lord whenever I had a hard season in my life, I don't think I would ever be in relationship with Him.

Yes, obviously cancer sucks–a whole lot–but I can't help but trust that even amidst my fear, frustration, anxiety, shock, etc—God is ready to use this for His Kingdom.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7.

I am choosing to rejoice in the Lord by letting His joy be my strength through this.