A Fearful Milestone

Finding out on November 15th that I was in complete remission was probably one of the most exhilarating days of my life. 

In exactly a week I will be able to declare that I am in 4 months remission! I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is thank God for this new breath of life that He has given me. I have been given an understanding of God's constancy through life's inconsistency that helps me appreciate and utilize the time He does give me.

I have spent most of the last year literally fighting for my life, and I realize more than ever that I cannot take any moment for granted. 

Every blessing.

Every hardship.

Every emotion.

They are all real, and they are all life-giving. So if this is true, I cannot dispel this huge knot in my stomach that happens every time I think about being 4 months in remission.

This upcoming appointment has left me with bounds of anxiety; anxiety that has even brought me to tears at times.

On September 19th, four days after celebrating my 4 month remission mark the first time, I had my scans that informed me that the cancer had returned.

I am not saying that I think these scans are going to be bad, but there is so much fear that comes with this milestone. 

I don't think I have the right words to say other than I am putting all of my anxiety, fears, and emotions into the hands of a God that I know loves me.