My Heart is Stolen

I feel that all too often I have used this blog as an emotional venting place, and that is because most of the time I feel like writing is when I have a lot of junk to get off my chest. But tonight—I don't feel like that all!

God is so good, and I truly believe that. It is only Day 2 (full day) of Spring Break and I already feel rejuvenated and I still have a full week left! I honestly cannot remember the last time I could say that I was genuinely happy. Amidst all of the stress with school and trying to schedule things in between three jobs and meetings, I have strived to find peace and that is what I have found!

Somedays I am so tired that even the thought of having a long conversation can throw me for a loop, but lately those conversations are what keep me going. I thrive in conversation. Whether it be just 3 hours of catching up on the past year or sitting down and sharing my heart, I find so much growth and contentment.

I could not count on both hands the number of hours that I have spent in conversation in the last couple months, but I do know that I would not be where I am now without that. The person I was in January is no where close to the person I am today. Heck, I am not even the same person I was a couple days ago! But what I do know is that God is very thoroughly transforming me from the inside out and in that I have found pure joy.

This next July will be three years since I got baptized. It seems like it has been so much longer than that, but I think that is because I can't even picture who I was back then. I look back and compare who I was then to who I am now and I know that the Holy Spirit has completely changed me.
I have learned what it means to be a servant of Christ.
I have learned how my story can change people's lives.
I have learned how life changing a beloved community can be.
I have learned how the Beloved of Christ is who I am at my core.
Holy and Blameless in His sight.

The Lord has completely stolen my heart.

One of the best days of my life!

"Therefore if you are in Christ you are a new creation. The old has gone; the new has come."

2 Corinthians 5:17

I can't imagine what life would be like had I not become a new creation in Him, but what I do know is that God has plans for my life that far exceed what I could ever imagine. 

Lord, You are the King above all Kings.

You are my Heavenly Father whom I trust

more than anything. Thank you for taking

a tight grip on my heart and turning me in 

to a new creation. Thank you for placing 

people in my life to have conversation with.

Spring Break

These three pictures and one word should pretty much describe what my Spring Break next week is going to be like.

REJUVENATION

Enough Said. =)

Whole and Holy Beloved.

Something that I have been striving towards for a bit now is trying to figure out what it means to be whole. And what does that currently look like within my life right now? 

I am reading the book A Hidden Wholeness by Parker Palmer right now. Although I am not very far in to the book yet (planning on finishing it over spring break) there has already been some great quotes that I can't stop thinking about. This quote in particular has really got me... Stuck? No... More like... Just in a very contemplative state of mind. 

"Wholeness does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life."


I think the reason why I struggled so long with recognizing that my story is beautiful is because I have always had this internalized feeling of being "not whole." I think I found myself always regretting my past because that is what made me "damaged goods." And when you put this vocabulary in your head, it really takes a long time to get it out. Before coming to college, I had shared my whole story with limited people but enough to think that I would realize that my story is truly what makes me who I am.

It has been a step by step realization process for me though. Once I got to Fox as a freshman, I basically told myself that my story didn't exist and that was that. I had a really hard time opening up because my story wasn't like a lot of the other girls on my floor. And sometimes I got this feeling that a lot of people assumed that everyone's stories would be similar. Although I do know that everyone has a story, I had a really hard time truly grasping that idea. Until I finally opened up to someone and she helped me through the first stage of figuring out what it meant to be His Beloved. I spent the rest of the year trying to truly grasp this idea that being Beloved is the core of who I am. I have to remind myself daily that I am His Beloved, but when I honestly believed those word is when I realized that Fox is going to be a great place for me to grow.

This year has had several different occasions that have made me open up and grow. We had a Women's Ministry Night during fall semester that made me realize that bringing the dark things in my past, out in to the light really does wonders. I had a coffee date with the person who spoke at the Women's Ministry Night and it was the beginning of my quest to open up. She really challenged me to tell my story and although it really did strike a chord in me, I still never shared. Then there was the Sex Talk. And to hear the words "You are WHOLE and HOLY." I couldn't get them out of my head. I still can't.

That Parker Palmer quote really got me thinking.
I do not need to be perfect to be whole.
I do not need to think that because my story is different than many, that I am impure.
I do not need to try and justify my story with anyone. It made me who I am.

But....
I do need to realize that I am whole and holy. No matter what.
I need to realize that my brokenness is a part of my life that has made me wise and gain a very different perspective on things.
I need to realize that my story is BEAUTIFUL.


How do I continue to integrate my story in to my life now? All I know is that I cannot let myself convince myself to stop sharing my story because that is what has caused the most growth at this point in my journey.

I am truly blessed by everyone in my life that continues to speak truth in to my life. Sometimes just that reminder that I am His Beloved and that I am Whole and Holy is all I need in order to put a genuine smile on my face.

"I am not defined by the pain or experiences I've been through. I'm defined by the woman I am and the woman God is creating me to be."—Rachel Lloyd. 

Lord, thank You. For EVERYTHING. I don't

think I say it enough. You have blessed me

more than I could ever imagine. Thank You for

allowing me to experience brokenness because

it is what has brought me closer to You. Thank You

for placing people in my life to remind me that I am

Your Beloved and that I am Whole and Holy.

Public Outburst of Uncontrollable Tears? Embarrassing.

You know those days where you are literally so tired that every little that happens builds you up to the point where you just embarrassingly burst in to tears in public over something little?

Today is one of those days. 

And it is only 1pm.

Spring break is RIGHT around the corner, but this week and next week have been and will be so busy, which has essentially caused me to not get very much sleep at all. 

This whole week I have stayed up until at least 1:30am, which may not seem very late for a college student but I have to wake up every morning at 6:30 to get ready for work. So the most sleep I have gotten this week is 5 hours a night max and my days have all gone until at least 9pm with barely any breaks throughout the day.

Last night I was up until 2:30am working on biology, which is hard for me when I am not tired, and got about 4 1/2 hours of sleep. This morning I woke up 2 minutes before I had to be at work so I literally went to work in my pajamas. Thank the Lord all I do is childcare in the morning about 5 blocks from where I live.

Right after I got done with work and quickly drove home and was able to take a 5 minute shower and eat a bowl of cereal. As I was pouring the milk in to my cereal, I dropped the gallon—causing it to spill everywhere. This obviously took some time to clean up, so I ended up being later for class. Build-up #1.

I sped to Fox and got to class about 5 minutes late. Throughout the lecture I could feel myself starting to nod off, so I re-braided my hair about 5 times to stay awake. But then finally I kind of just went in to a trance just staring at the professor. He asked a question and no one answered. I literally got to the point where I was staring but did not hear a word he said. Once a couple people turned around and looked at me, I realized that he had asked me what the answer was. I had no idea what the question was so I said I don't know, come to find out it was a really easy question. Then an hour after class I had lab with him and he told me that he had called on me because he could tell I was falling asleep the whole class. Well, sign number one that I obviously did not get enough sleep last night. Build up #2

After class I realized that I had an internship meeting and I was wearing my comfortable jeans, a Nike sweatshirt, and my romeos. So I knew I had to run back to my house and change and put a little make up on to look decent. After I get all changed and run out the door to get to my meeting-I slip on something causing me to fall pretty much flat on my back. I got up and I was covered in mud, so I had to run upstairs to change again. Build up #3.

So I quickly change and rush over to where I had a meeting. I walk in and say I am here for my meeting with Jill and then lady at the front desk tells me that she is not in the office today and asked if I as sure that I had an appointment today. She then continued to look up Jill's schedule, only for my meeting to me NEXT Thursday and I must have wrote it in my calendar wrong. Build up #4.

So I go back outside to head back home to change back in to my comfortable clothing and walking out to my car I reached in to my side pocket of my backpack and my keys aren't there. Then only come to realize that I locked them in my car. Build up #5.

Because I have locked my keys in my car this year already, I had recently had someone mail me my spare key that I had left back home. Thankfully my internship meeting was close to campus so I went down in to the canyon and my key was in my mailbox. So after I got this all situated, I drove back to my house to change back in to my comfortable clothes I had on to start the day. 

I went back to Fox to get quickly order some food because I needed some time in the library to get an assignment done. So I went in to the den to get some food. As I patiently waited in the long line, I got up to the counter and ordered a BLT with some tater tots. After about 10 minutes, they called my name for my food to be done and I grabbed my plate and started walking towards the condiments for some ketchup for my tots.

And that's when it happened. 

I tripped over someone's backpack that was laying too far away from their table and I dropped all of my food. 

Public Outburst of Uncontrollable Tears. Embarrassing. 

The person whose backpack I tripped over got up quickly and apologized about a million times and helped me pick up the mess. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't him who made me cry, but I don't think he understood. I seriously felt like there were a million eyes on me. I don't know if anyone I knew was in the den, but I picked up my food, threw it away, and quickly went to the library—Still in tears.

I needed to get some homework done, but here I am. Blogging. 

I finally got all of the mascara off that ran down my face. 

I have about an hour to get some homework done before I have packed schedule until 10pm.

I don't think that I am going to be staying up late tonight.

Dear 15 Year Old Me

Dear 15 Year Old Me:

You turned 15 today and you have a basketball game in White Salmon. You are having a wonderful day until you hear the news. During lunch time 6 of your classmates get in a car accident, killing one of your good friends. A lot of them are seriously injured and you feel like it is unreal. You learn so much from this, but only if you could really see the big picture here. Life is short. The good news is that things turn out wonderful for you even though you will experience many times that you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that at your age your dream was to play basketball at the University of Oregon, but that is nowhere near where you end up. You injure yourself countless times and playing sports in college soon almost didn't seem like an option at many times. Although George Fox University is probably not on your radar at this age, once you get a little older you will eventually come to know that this is your dream college and you would not want to go anywhere else.

You are mixed up in some real bad stuff right now, and I often wish so much that you would see that you are so much better than that. You start getting in to things that should have never even been in your vocabulary at 15 and it gets you in to a place that you never thought you would be. You have a PE teacher in your life that continues to hold you accountable. If only you could see that instead of thinking he is judging you for your choices. He knows what your situation is like at home and he just wants you to see that you can go farther than that. Although you constantly turn your shoulder at him, there will be a point in high school where he ends up being the only person you can turn to.

After this first year in high school, you will feel pretty good about where you found your place. You are hanging out with friends and doing things that "make you happy." But those things only cause temporary happiness and only fill those voids for the time-being. There is something that happened before that you don't tell anyone about until you are 18, but you could have got some help for it had you not been so determined to keep that tucked away.

You are invited to a camp the summer after your freshman year, and that camp will soon be what plants the seed in your heart that will end up changing your life forever. At first you have a hard time truly grasping what it means to have a "Heavenly Father" because you have trust issues in your life when it comes to men. . Upon return from camp you say that you are different, but you go straight back to what you were doing before. You will spend the next couple years living a divided life. You seem to only pursue unhealthy relationships and even though right now you are "madly in love," I wish you could see that before your heart gets shattered.

Junior year comes around and you will really think everything is going great. You go to state with your volleyball team and soon after you will do something that makes you hit complete rock bottom. Life becomes instantly confusing and you have no idea what you are going to do, so you keep it to yourself. Soon after, you realize that your PE teacher ends up being the first person to know because he knew something was wrong. You will be forever thankful for how he was always there through and through. Then you seek out more help and gain some incredible relationships through Calvary Community Church.

Your life will change dramatically after some things did not turn out exactly how you planned for them. I know there will be a lot of heartbreak and grief going in to this situation you are placed in, but thankfully you reached out. You got help from your PE teacher's wife and this is a relationship that you will truly cherish forever. You will give your life to Christ after a 2 hour walk in the woods on a retreat and that following summer you will get baptized and your life will be forever changed. You go through senior year and have a blast and at the same time form relationships that will bless you more than you could imagine. And this is where George Fox comes in to the picture.

During April of your senior year, you finally made the choice to go to George Fox University and you play softball there. You soon get hurt and that pretty much ends your sports career. It is something that you will find very hard, but in the end is rewarding. There are tons of crazy things that happen your first year in college, but they help you grow tremendously. You witness miracles and you also experience a lot of grief. You have been going through high school believing that you want to do physical therapy but your heart changes and you switch to a double major in Social Work and Youth Ministry.

Although at 15, this is definitely nothing you would ever imagine, but honestly the Lord has blessed you tremendously. Your college years will be so important and you will build relationships with people that are worth every minute. At your age now, you keep your problems to yourself. You hide your life by putting a smile on your face. And even though it seems like that is the best choice, you will end up realizing that there is no better feeling than sharing your story. The people whom you tell your story to constantly remind you that your life is beautiful and you will learn to realize that yourself.

I just want you to know that even though things get extremely rough, keep pushing through. Try not to ever think of the things you will do as regrets because they are what will make you who you are. At so many times I would have hoped for you to come to a realization that just because you were around certain things your whole life did not mean that it was okay for you to do them too. And even though you will not see it right now, you will grow to be very wise for your age because you experience so much and bring a different perspective. You are a strong person and the Lord will steal your heart some day. Keep pursuring Him.

XOXO
20 Year Old Me

Acting Out of Fear?

I could probably start off all of my blogs talking about how continually blessed I am to be consumed in such a beautiful community here at George Fox. I feel like by now I should be used to it, but I still get all giddy inside after having great conversations whether it just be over coffee or in class.

I don't know if that is just me, but I don't think that will ever go away!
Today I was ultimately blessed to have a conversation with someone whom I am soooooo so so excited to continue to unpack my life with next week. =)

Something that I have been journaling about lately is fear.
Fear, by definition, as a verb means to be afraid of something that is likely to be dangerous, painful or threatening. Fear as a noun is an unpleasant emotion caused by something that is dangerous or likely to cause pain.

I find it so interesting that some of the things we fear can actually be SO rewarding in the end. But no matter what we have a hard time doing it. For example, one of my biggest fears (although I am starting to conquer it) is sharing my story. For the longest time I believed that the brokenness that I have experienced in my past was something that I could just tuck away. But something I have really come to realize is that my story is truly beautiful and the way that God wove His way in and out of it all is just simply amazing! And sharing my story has really recreated this healing process of working towards wholeness that at one point I had thought I already had completed.

But honestly a journey towards wholeness is lifelong.

And something that works in to my journey of wholeness is figuring out relationship wise where I stand.
There are these condescending ways that I constantly journal about when I try to figure out my "love life" and where I stand relationally in my walk.

I have this side of me that truly believes that I need to figure things out on my own before I can begin to experience life with a partner. I need to find out what it means to be "whole" as a single person. And when I think about this, I always begin to think about how sometimes I feel like I just am not ready to be in relationship with anyone. But do I say that because I genuinely feel that way? Or do I act out of fear when it comes to that because I know that at some point in a serious relationship I will have to reveal myself.

It all narrows back down to the fear of people knowing my brokenness.

"There is an equality in our brokenness... And in those places we connect!"

Lord, thank you so much for blessing me

with the opportunity to be a part of such a

wonderful community. I pray that You continue

to bless me with the courage to share and the

ability to discern when it is safe to do so.

Thank You for being You.