I Finally Miss It...

Although the ongoing joke is that #baldissexy and the list of why 'bald is better' continues to grow...it hasn't been until recently that I realized how much I miss my hair.

I mean, sure...there are SO many things that I love about not having hair. And I am completely serious about that. I don't miss my hair shedding on everything, especially my clothes. I love the extra time I get to sleep because I know my showers are quick, and I don't have to factor in the time it takes to do my hair. I find the feeling of the water pressure in the shower on my bald head to be like therapy. Plus... it is so much easier throwing on a hat!

But the thing that has most triggered my want for hair was getting ready for a wedding this last weekend. People were using curling irons all around me. Trying to figure out if they wanted to wear their hair up or down. Bobby pins, hair spray, braids, hair ties, hair dryers.

All of these things make me miss the feeling of femininity. I miss having to make the decision of curly or straight. I miss running my fingers through my hair in the shower. I miss braids and bobby pins and hair dryers.

And all of these things make me want this cancer journey to be over that much sooner. It has been almost 19 months since I was originally diagnosed, yet it feels like 5 years.

I don't even remember what it feels like to not have cancer anymore.

People ask me how I am feeling, and I almost always respond pretty good or fine. But that is because the constant nausea and extreme fatigue have become normal to me. If I am not feeling those things, I feel like something is wrong.

Healthy feels like lightyears away.

I am heading into round 8 of chemo this week, and more than anything... I wish it were my last. As of now, we have chemo planned out until December 6th (10th round), but I have scans in a couple weeks that will determine if the minimum 10 rounds is going to be enough. I pray and plead to God that it is.

And if it isn't...the only thing I can do is keep getting out of bed, keep choosing joy, and keep trusting God...

All while continuing to wake up and throw on a hat.