Thankfulness and Fear

This blog has honestly been so hard to write.

I found out a week ago, that I am in remission again and every day since then I have sat down and tried to put my thoughts into words but nothing comes out. There are just so many emotions ranging from complete thankfulness to fear. 

I guess I can start out by saying Praise the Lord. I could not imagine having faced these last 8 months of my life without a Savior who provides me with strength and rest. Although there has been tremendous amounts of heartache, exhaustion, pain, and discouragement, it was equally balanced by many blessings, laughter, encouragement, and growth. The Lord has provided me with people who can make me laugh through it all, but also have the ability to let me cry on their shoulder if that is what I need too.

It is Thanksgiving day, and as we went around the table sharing what we were thankful for, tears rolled down everyones cheeks. After finding out I am in remission, and hearing good news from my aunt's appointment yesterday... we are thankful for the good news that is surrounding this holiday.

As I was driving down to Eugene for Thanksgiving break, the song Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns. I think with this song I have always known the lyrics, but never really just listened.

"For You are who You are, no matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand."

This is something that I have strived to fully comprehend throughout my whole battle with cancer. I truly believe that every second of every day I was held by my Heavenly Father and He caught each and every tear in His hands. But for a long time I had a really hard time believing that He would continue to hold me when all I wanted to do was angrily pound on His chest.

Yesterday as I read Jesus Calling, I think it finally struck me and made me begin to think of others who may need such truth in their life.

"I am pleased with you, My child. Allow yourself to become fully aware of My pleasure shining upon you...The Light of My Love shines on you continually, regardless of your feelings or behavior... be receptive to this unconditional Love (through) thankfulness and trust... Thank Me for everything; trust Me at all times."

This may be one of the most impacting Truths in my own life. I need to be using thankfulness and trust as pivot points in my journey at all times. These things help me readjust my course and stay in the center of His Presence.

I must continue to intentionally run straight to Jesus, even amidst my constant fear of recurrence. 

Always Rejoice

It's the night of November 11th, and I just took my last set of chemo pills. I don't want to downplay my excitement at all because I honestly could not be more thrilled that this part is over.

Goodbye nausea.
Goodbye fatigue
Goodbye mouth sores.

Although things like the fatigue and mouth sores will not instantly disappear, I am excited for the day that I physically feel healthy again. But that is where the uncertainty comes in for me.

When will that day come?
Days? Months? Years?

I have a day full of scans tomorrow followed by days of waiting for the results. I have a feeling that those several days of waiting are going to be exhausting because they always are.

There is always the potential that it could come back, and that is where my mind starts filling with the idea that there is always a chance that I may never be able to get rid of it; a chance that I may never be healthy again.

It's a good thing that I am entrusting my life to God. I don't think that He is done with me yet, so those thoughts of uncertainty quickly become past tense.

I truly believe with all of my heart that I will be healthy and cancer-free someday, but if only that could happen without all of the fear of reoccurrence and the wanting of constant check-ups "just in case."

Last time I went into remission the cancer came back after 5 months, so I have a feeling that I am going to have a hard time believing that I am cancer-free until I can make it way beyond that.

I go in tomorrow to get my scans that will determine whether or not my body is free of cancer, or if I have to start the process of finding a bone marrow donor.

Obviously we all know that being told that I am cancer-free would be way better news, but I am just glad that I know the plan of action for either way that way I can prepare myself.

Although getting a bone marrow transplant is a pretty big thing, I think I have prepared myself mentally for the procedure, especially since I have so many wonderful friends that are willing to see if they are a bone marrow match.

I will find my results out midweek some time and until then, I will continue to rejoice in the Lord, for He is with me no matter what happens.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near." *Philippians 4:4-5

Unorganized Thoughts

I have been unable to put any organization in my thoughts lately. I was so excited to be heading into my final week of chemo, but instead I just got out of the hospital for catching the flu, and that feels like it has pushed me back 10 steps.

I have five days until I get my scans that will determine whether I am cancer-free or if I will be having to get a bone marrow transplant.

I am having a hard time balancing my excitement to finally be done with chemo and my anxious thoughts about what is to come.

I can't help but wonder what will happen if I have to get a bone marrow transplant. Will I have to take an incomplete in all my classes? Is that possible? Would I have to leave school completely? Or is there any way to wait until winter break and hope that 4 weeks is a long enough recovery time.

And what if the results come the other way...

What if I do find out that I am cancer-free? What does that even mean for me? Does it mean that I get to start worrying about the cancer recurring again? Or does it mean that I can start living my life again?

A lot of thoughts are rushing in and I am not sure how to process them all. So for now all I can do is take it one day at a time.

When you reach the end of your rope, 
tie a knot in it and hang on.
*Thomas Jefferson

Laughter and Grace

The last few weeks have went by extremely quick, which in a sense has been a huge blessing because I continue to count down days until I was finished with treatment. I dreaded waking up every morning to take my chemo pills. Although I would never actually "just not take them," there were definitely days where I pretty much had to force myself.

I spent the weekend in Bend, Oregon with my staff on a retreat, and I don't think it could have come at a better time. 

I started off the retreat on a pretty low note because as we were pulling up to our destination, I got a call from my Aunt Jody to tell me that she just found out that she has breast cancer. This has definitely been a big distress to our family because of how much cancer is already affecting us. 

I didn't want this news to ruin my weekend though, and although it was hard to get my mind off of it, I am truly blessed to have a staff that is able to know how to laugh and have a good time.

The weekend was full of Would You Rather statements, intense board and card games, good food, just laying around, trust falls, hiking, so much laughter, and life story time.

That is the part that always gets to me. Life stories.

I hate being in a state of vulnerability, so when it comes to my sharing life story–most of which a lot people don't expect or can relate to– I get nervous and don't want to share. So when it came the time for sharing, I hesitantly agreed.

And once again, I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful staff who all genuinely want to know me.
They listened with open hearts, full of grace.

I am extremely grateful to be journeying with a staff that desires to be in deep relationship with one another.This weekend was full of fellowship and rejuvenation and because of that, my heart is so full.

When I got back to campus, I tore off the weekend's worth of links from my paper chain countdown and was pleasantly surprised at the length of it.

I only have a week left of oral chemo!!

I celebrated this excitement by... going to the doctors? Booo... I came back from retreat and slowly starting feeling sick and ended up with 100.8 temperature and slowly declining from there. I am currently at OHSU, with an IV in my arm pumping me full of fluid, hoping that this little bug goes away quickly. The doctors also did some blood work to see where my counts are at, so we're patiently waiting on that. Thank you all for your prayers and support!