Take Me Back.

I am on a journey---an exciting, adventurous journey. Its a journey on the road of life. Along my journey I experience thrills and spills, and I encounter enormous mountains and vast valleys. 

I've taken many wrong turns and a few detours, and I've lost my way in the wilderness countless times. But, somehow, I always find my way back to the road, the narrow road. God keeps it all lit up for me so I'll always be able to find my way home. 

You know how on hot summer nights you can see the lights of a baseball field all the way across town? Even if it's a long way off, if you follow the lights, you can eventually find your way to the field. God's light is like that. It penetrates the darkness and shines steadfastly, and if you'll just keep it in view and keep making your way toward it, you'll eventually end up right with Him. 

But sometimes, the freedom of the wide road seems much more fun than the confined journey on the narrow road. And I find myself wandering off course and away from God. On the wide road, I can make my own rules and decide my own way. And I like that...for a while. But soon the air there becomes bitter and stale. And the crowds of people press against me, and I get sweaty and covered in dust. I begin to feel as if I'm suffocating. And it's so dark and I feel so lonely--even though I'm surrounded by thousands of other lost souls. And in my desperation, I begin to frantically search for the light. I finally spot it but it's far away, and I'm tired and weary. I want to give up and rest right where I am. But I know that could get me in trouble. It's sort of like sleeping in your car at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere. Anything can happen. 

I'm so tired and so far from home, and I've accumulated so much baggage that I can't possibly carry it all on my own. I've been away from the light so long that I've forgotten that there are people there who really want to help, and there is One who is strong and loving and wants to carry my load. He misses me and wants me to come home. 

But I'm so ashamed. I've turned my back on Him; I can't ask Him for help now. I can't go home. Just look at me. My face is smudged with dirt, my clothes are filthy and worn, my hair is wild and out of control---just like my life. My body is covered with cuts and bruises, and I know they're there because of my own stupid choices. 

I can't go home...not like this. I look again at my sad surroundings, then I lift my face to the magnificant road in the distance, all lit up and waiting for me. I know I want to go there; I want to experience the warmth of the light once again. Just then, I hear a faint noise coming from far down that luminous road. The sound gets louder and louder, and it sounds so beautiful---like someone cheering and joyfully clapping and shouting. Then I hear my name, I cant believe it. Someone is calling out my name. I begin to walk forward so I can hear better, and before long, I'm running so fast I cant stop. The voice is so familiar. Finally, I see where it's coming from. It's the most glorious vision I've ever seen. A crowd of people, shouting my name and cheering me on---some I recognize and some I dont---but all of them are cheering just for me. And when they see me, they cheer even louder, as if I'm about to score a winning run. 

Then I see Him. His face is shining, and His eyes are locked onto mine. I know Him at once. Hes my Creator, my Savior, He doesn't wait for me to reach Him, instead He runs to me and embraces me with tears flooding His face. 

Im home! Im home! And I'm surrounded by the ones I love most---precious people who have interceded on my behalf to our Creator and with their prayers, created a hedge of protection around me that nothing could penetrate. 

Have you ever taken a detour on the journey of life? Have you strayed from the narrow road and been enticed by the sights and sounds of the masses? Have you lost your way and felt you could never find your way back home? We've all been there. We've all strayed. We've all wandered off the path. But your story can end just like mine. The road to your loving heavenly Father is always lit, and you are always welcome on it. There are people who are cheering you on, even now, and there is a Savior who waits longingly for you to turn your face toward home. When you take those first steps toward home, He'll run to meet you. 

Its so easy to get distracted and turn from the path God has laid out for us. And when we find ourselves in those dark places, we do things we wouldn't want anyone to see. If the light turned on our sin, we would be horrified. If you ever find yourself doing something you wouldn't want the people you respect to know about, a loud alarm should sound in your head and warn you to stop! But God does see everything we do. Imagine living in a house of mirrors. Everywhere you look, there you are. Everything you do, you see yourself do. God is our house of mirrors. Everywhere we go, he goes. Everything we do, He sees. Everything we say, He hears. 

The challenge is to remain constantly aware and mindful of His presence and to keep our feet planted firmly on His path. Because I carry the name of Christ, I am called to live by a higher standard. I will never be like Him completely, but I will strive to be more like Him everyday. 

And if I stray, He faithfully waits for me at the end of the well-lit road. 

Is this really it?

Amidst all of the chaos of finals week, I wanted to take the time to write a blog.
Although this one may be really short, it is just a little update.


I have just found out that I will not be playing softball this year and it has been quite the news. I haven't taken it very well because for the last 7 years, softball has been a huge part of my life. I play about 8 or 9 months out of every year. I know that softball is not something that is going to be forever, but is it really time for me to let it go already? I feel so unsatisfied with how things are ending up. I know God has a plan for everything, but does it really have to be so harsh all the time? I feel like God has been tugging at my heart about this for a long time now. Is this injury a sign of God telling me that this is the end? I can't help but think it might be and I am just having a really hard time believing it. I am always praying about it because I know I love the team and the coaches and I don't think God would put them into my life and then suddenly take them away. I am looking for a way to still be a part of the team just without playing, ya know? My friend Jocelynn on my team has also just been told she can't play this year either, for the second year in a row. She has been someone I have been able to talk to about it (along with Kayla Ward) because they have been going through the same emotions as me. 


Jocelynn shared this poem with me and it really meant a lot.


A Ball Players Prayer by Hal Skinner.

God grant me the wisdom,

to tell a strike from a ball,

to know where to throw,

and never to fall.

Keep me always in the base line,

running straight and true,

and I'll look for your sign,

to stretch one into two.

God give me vision,

to see every pitch,

so if a player needs help,

then I will see which.

Let me always hustle,

so I'll be at my best,

and take pride in myself,

in sports and the rest.

God be my strength,

when I throw the ball,

when I'm far from home plate,

or against a wall.

So I never miss a base,

please guide my feet,

bring me home safely,

so my job is complete.

When I help younger players,

let me always give praise,

so they'll see you in me,

in all of my ways.

God please guide our coach,

to be fair and smart,

to teach us to be good,

let it come from his heart.

Let me take a loss,

just as well as a win,

to do any less,

is surely a sin.

As long as I can play,

let me make my parents proud,

as proud as I am,

when they yell my name out loud.

However my games end,

let me always have fun,

and if Heaven has All-Stars,

I want to be one.

When my games here are over,

and my seasons are done,

let me play on your team,

just like your son.

Amen

I feel like this prayer helps me realize how much during a game always did these little "shoot up" prayers but in reality I am not praising God for how much He has given me through my experience with softball. All the people I have been able to help. All the people I have became close with because of the game.

So there is really just one question:

Is this really it?

Lord, help me with this decision.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Can you please explain this one to me?

I am struggling to see where You take part in this.

Keep me at peace with whatever happens,

and  please guide me a long the way.

Praise Him.

"To the one whose dreams are falling all apart.

And all your left with is a tired and broken heart.

I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own.

But you're not alone.

You will be safe in His arms.

You will be safe in His arms.

The hands that hold the world are holding your heart.

This is the promise He made.

He will be with you always.

When everything is falling apart,

You will be safe in His arms."

*Safe by Phil Wickham.

My area coordinator, Sarah Jobson, showed me this song exactly when I needed it. I have heard this song plenty of times before, but I think I never really appreciated the lyrics for what they're worth.

I have been running for far too long. It has been about a month since I have even picked up my Bible, not only because I haven't been obedient, but because like I have said in previous blogs, I feel like when I bring anything to Him I just get loaded with more things to deal with.

I look back at the last couple weeks and wonder why I let this go on for so long when God clearly told me the night I was told my grandma wouldn't make it to the weekend. I remember being completely frozen, bawling on my bed. It was hard to breath, let alone talk to anyone. I was screaming at God wanting answers and all I can remember is behind all my sobbing, I heard "I want you to praise Me." I didn't know if this was a joke, but I was seriously mad that God would even put that in my mind because He was about to take someone so dear to me away and there was no way I could praise Him for that.

I look back on this situation and I know now why He said this. He didn't ask me to praise Him because He was going to perform a miracle and my grandma was going to be fine (which I had instantly hoped for when I heard this). He asked me to praise Him because He will be the same at the end of the week regardless of what happens to my grandma. Every little piece of me wanted to protest someone else being in charge and I believe that that is why this was so very hard to wrap my heart around.

Last night I decided I would pick up my Bible. I was flipping through and decided to read Hebrews. I don't really have a reasoning behind choosing that, but I did. And I am very thankful for that. God knows exactly what I need. He is providing me with many things I never would have dreamt of such as amazing new friendships. And because of that, I will always Praise Him.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

-Hebrews 13:8. 

Lord, thank you for never changing.

.Continue to help me in my darkest times.

I will forever praise you.

Obedience and Prayer.

I realized that I have been fighting my whole life to be who I am and stand up for what I believe in because I have grown up my whole life being around people who weren't the same.
At home and at school, I had to try to be who I wanted to be whereas here at Fox... I don't really feel like I have to fight to be who I am, if that makes sense.
I am completely surrounded all the time by mostly all believers of Christ and with that I don't have to try and fight others to be who I am. I just get to be me.
I have previously stated that I have no fight left in me, but in reality, I still have fight left, I just don't have to use it when I surrounded by believers in Christ. (I hope this all makes sense because it makes sense in my head.)

That is where obedience comes in. I have been letting my feelings change my relationship with Christ. I have been running from Him, so I have FELT like I just don't need to try and make it right.
When I FEEL like I don't want to or don't need to give Him my burdens or even just simply open up His word, that is when I most need to do it because my feelings should not affect my obedience to Christ.

And along with obedience comes prayer.
Prayer is something that I have been in plenty of group discussions with at The Well or here at Fox and it just frustrates me because it is something so simple, yet so perplexing.
I have always prayed whether it be before meals, before bed, throughout out the day, long visits in the prayer chapel, etc. But for some reason I have not gotten any satisfaction out of it lately.
I feel like every prayer I say, shoots right up to ceiling and falls back in my face.
It makes me wonder why prayer is even needed and how do I know if what I am praying for is against what God has planned the situation.
These questions fill my mind with doubt, yet I want to find the answers!

Lord, help me to be obedient and find peace in you..

I pray for this daily. Help show me the answer.

Getting away.

The environment off campus is just so.........
Different.

I am still struggling with finding myself digging deep and holding onto the roots Christ has planted in me, but just getting off campus, away from the whole "college environment", is really relieving.
All the same things are still going on in my life, yet I can find a peace about me when I am not sitting in a dorm room or around all the other stressed people.
I came home for the weekend and have had an amazing time. I have just been able to relax and hang out with friends and family.
Even though deep down I am having a spiritual battle and I constantly miss my grandma, I don't know what it is, but when I am around certain people, I am just genuinely happy.
I think it's because I just know that when they are there, I know that if I truly needed to talk, they would listen, advise, and completely understand.
I am sitting here at Intermission in Longview, in awe of how happy I feel just being able to see all the people I love from my church, even if I didn't get to have huge long conversations with all of them.
It is just that feeling of being comfortable and loved that makes that "feel good" emotion come out.

I wish that this visit back here could be longer because it is nice to get away and have a weekend to try and clear the surface to have fun. I am not ready to go back to school yet.

This is where I have the problem at Satan longing for the foothold of "just give up" because its times like these, where I truly hurt deep inside, and I know that when I am back here I am completely happy, and I want it to stay that way.

Lord, pull me completely into Your presence.

I need peace.

I Need You.

I still feel stuck in a whirlwind of emotions.
Instead of running to God with my problem, I have been running away from Him, scared He will just hand me another burden the minute I am ready to hand Him over one of mine.
God is so much bigger than anything I am dealing with, but why does it seem like He is there just to taunt me and make things so much harder?
There has got to be a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now I must be miles away because there is not even a speck of light that I can see.
I have always turned to His Word when I have gotten even a little bit lost or in need of comfort and peace, yet I haven't even picked up my Bible in around 2 weeks because I feel like God is so distant.
I need to get away. I need to find time to sink into His Word and let Him speak to me.
Old Town Sherwood Coffee Shop, I shall be seeing you soon...

I have done nothing but fight throughout my whole life to get where I am in my walk with God, but isn't is crazy how in a split second, a relationship can feel broken.
I have gotten to the point where I feel like there is no fight left in me.

Lord, please help me!

I need you!

Just Give Up.

"Just give up" are the constant words of the enemy that I hear...

and it's gotten to be so hard that it's almost tempting.

I have gotten to the point where I cry 2 or 3 times a day, with a mental breakdown being one of them. 

Between my grandma passing away, not knowing what is wrong with my health, having problems with some specific people, wanting so much to just BE and not have to TRY TO be, and just wanting to be able look to God for answers instead of run away in fear something else is coming my way... has been SO hard.

I literally can probably count the number of hours I have slept in the past week on my 2 hands. I could probably put all the food I have eaten in a week on one plate. The tears I have shed, could probably fill up at least a gallon. 

I listen to sad music and watch sad movies in hopes that ALL my tears will go away, but I think I am beginning to realize that that is not what is going to help me get over my emotions.

I am just physically, mentally, and emotionally EXHAUSTED and giving up is the easy route and is so tempting to take, but I know God did not give me the opportunity to go to George Fox so that I could give up the moment I have hardships come my way.
I also need to get across my mind that if my Nana knew that I was about to give up college, the thing she was most proud of about my life, because she is gone, I am pretty sure she would have a fit.

I chose to come to George Fox because I wanted to get away and be out on my own, ya know? But I think my expectations for George Fox are definitely opposite of what God had in mind for me.

I sit here, an emotional wreck, after a 2 hours conversation with my area coordinator, just in awe of how much God is wanting me to give everything to Him, yet I have a hard time giving it to Him because I am overwhelmed with why I was given this much hardship to begin with. 

I think things would be a lot easier had I just given Him everything in the first place, but I tried and couldn't wrap my mind around why I still felt... empty.

"Just give up" is all I hear before I go to bed every night, and I will always wonder what would be next  in my life if I did?

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 

(Peter 5:10)

Goodbyes are always so hard.

Who knew that within just under a week I feel like my whole world has turned completely upside down.

I mean everything about having an amazing floor and that I am loved, is still there.

But that doesn't change the fact that I feel like crap.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I am having a hard time even smiling right now.

I took a trip to Eugene yesterday afternoon for a trip that would soon become one of the hardest things of my life.

I was told on Monday that my grandma probably only had days to live. Which that alone was heart-breaking.

My friend, Kayla Ward, was quick to completely understand and be there to comfort me. She went through something similar last year and has no problem helping me get through it. She drove me down there because she knew that I would not be able to handle the drive back by myself last night.

On the drive down I tried to mentally prepare myself, but I didn't exactly know how.

I tried to picture my grandma the way I had last seen her, but that image quickly went out of my head the minute I walked into the door because what I saw was something that tore me apart.

My grandma has always been there for me and I wouldn't change that for the world. I am blessed to have had the opportunity to have someone that amazing in my life.

I sat next to my grandma's bedside holding her hand just crying. Everyone was telling me that she could hear me if I talked to her, but I didn't know what to say. I wasn't ready for a goodbye, but who ever wants to say goodbye, right?

After not being able to say anything, I moved back to the couch, weeping in Kayla's arms, wanting so much to be able to talk to her. I couldn't handle looking at my grandma who used to be so outspoken and  up and around at all time, now laying in a bed, not moving a bit (except an occasional twitch), not talking, or even opening her eyes. I was making myself believe that if maybe I went over there and talked, that she would wake up.

I couldn't do anything but sit there hand in hand with her, crying and praying.

I was there for only 3 1/2 hours, but I don't think I could have stayed there any longer than that and emotionally be able to handle it.

I got back to George Fox around 10pm and just sat in Kayla's room trying to calm myself and trying to stop crying.

I am probably running on very few hours of sleep and no food, causing me to be a little more emotional than usual, but I miss her so much!

I sit here writing this blog, tears streaming down my face.

I said goodbye to one of the most important people in my life last night, and I am not quite sure I was ready to.

Complete Satisfaction.

Isn't it just crazy how in one month, everything can be changed around.

In my last blog I had no control over my emotions.

I wasn't thinking clearly and I was just getting into the groove of college.

I know my place now.

I Am Happy!

I have yet to say this in full honesty since I have been here. 

I have found complete satisfaction in who I am and where I am.

I am a Spiritual Life Assistant on my floor. This "title" doesn't make me ranked any higher than any other girl on my floor and I am proud to say that I wouldn't want it any other way.

I want to be able to know the girls on my floor in a way no one else on campus knows them. I want to worship with them. I want to love Jesus with them. I want to serve with them. I want to grow with them.

My floor is simply amazing. 

There are people whom I trust with my life completely, people who push me closer to God, people who enjoy late night talks about life, people I want to get to know better, people who just make me smile, people who could very well be lifetime friends. 

I have a complete peace with God about where He has put me.

I have the right people here that I can go to for anything and I have the right people back home that I can go to for anything. Just the perfect combination.

And what I have realized that is really weird about this post is that I am probably in the peak of stress as I type this blog, yet I just feel so.......

Satisfied.

I currently am facing a potentially bad problem with my back.

I will be going to the specialist on Monday, October 25th to hear my plan for healing.

This has done nothing but put a huge burden on my shoulders, but yet God has balanced it so very well with the perfect things. I have professors who understand and pray for me. I have an area coordinator that truly cares about my well-being. I have an RA who helps me get through it. I have a Health and Counseling doctor on campus who consistently checks on me. I have an all around amazing support system right here on campus that love me enough to help me get through this.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. 

God has helped me understand what it means to worry. 

I have realized that it is a personal, mental agitation that disturbs my peace of mind.

I worry about many things, but God provides so much peace that it outweighs everything.

God is so good and I am glad He has provided me with

Complete Satisfaction.

Vent Session Much?

I have a ton on my mind, but cannot seem to get it out.

So this blog is basically going to a complete venting session.

I really need to clear my head.

Soooo.... Here it goes.

Words that come to mind when I think about my college experience so far:

Amazing.

Horrible. 

Confusing. 

Blessed. 

Hard. 

Time Consuming. 

Stressful. 

Fun. 

Great. 

Interesting. 

There are so many opportunities here and I know I am only a freshman still, but I really need answers. I am a planner. I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing and when I am going to be doing it. I definitely know that God has a plan for me, but I hate waiting around to figure it out. My patience has been very slim lately, probably due to lack of sleep. George Fox was my choice of college and will never ever regret that, but why is it so hard for this place to be all that I wanted? But then again, what was I really expecting when I came here? 

Things are so stressful lately that I feel like I am breaking down in a way. I mean I am making friends, having fun, love my floor, doing fine in classes... What more could I ask for? God is blessing me with so much, but for some reason I am having a hard time not wanting more. College is something I have been waiting for... The opportunity to break free from home and start the biggest change in my life. I finally am able to watch over myself and do things that I want to do, but why do I dislike it more than I ever thought I would?

I have been given the opportunity to be a Spiritual Life leader on my floor along with 3 others. But why is this position so hard to choose. God has opened that door for me, but is softball the door He is closing in place of that? I wish it was so much easier than this. A desire of my heart is to share with people my testimony to glorify God because He has been so wonderful to me, but where will this most be effective? My floor is so great and I really believe that He is calling me to do it, but what about the softball team that I so dearly love? 

Leaving home has been one of the greatest, yet worst things about college. I was ready to be free. I wanted so badly to get away. But who knew it would be so hard at the same time because broken relationships remained broken. I truly believe that I have planted a seed of Christ back home. I have shared all that I can. I was Christ-like and I can't think of anything else to do. Why are some relationships so much harder to mend than others?

One super hard thing to get used to is the fact that I no longer have my support system here. All of Calvary Community and several in Kalama have helped me SO much in my relationship with the Lord in my brightest times and my definite worst times. Everyone here at George Fox are all truly amazing, but I miss the people who have helped get me where I am at. I feel like a piece of me is missing sometimes. I keep in contact with all of them, but I hate not seeing them twice a week like I normally would. I know this is all part of the moving away for college experience, but who knew it would be so hard? I know that I will never lose these close relationships, but how will they ever be the same if I don't get to see or talk to them regularly?

There are so many unanswered questions and it drives me up the wall! God, please just help me understand where you are going with all this. All my frustration has been causing me to be somewhat bitter and that is SO not like me. It may all be lack of sleep, once again... But often I find myself just laying in bed just thinking for hours on end because a full mind keeps me from drifting off. Lord, please keep this bitterness away!

Like most other nights, I have been up long enough tonight thinking about EVERYTHING. Now that I have gotten it all off my chest, I wonder if it will be easier to fall asleep? 

So Worried.

Isn't it just amazing how people can be so worried about things that with prayer and faith God provides for you? I went through this situation with several different categories and really just sat and prayed and knew God would provide me with what I needed as long as I trust in Him.

I was so worried about making friends...

(Me. Kelly. Kris. Taviah. Emily)

(Austin, Rachel)

(Ben)

 GOD PROVIDED!

I was so worried about having the things needed to unpack and decorate my room....

(My side of the dorm.. Not finished completely)

GOD PROVIDED!

I was so worried about having fun...

(Mystery Bus Tour)

(Ice skating!)

GOD PROVIDED!

I was so worried about being who I am and fitting in....

(All Campus Worship Symbolic Activity)

GOD PROVIDED!

I really just wanted you fill people in on how things are going.

And although I completely miss everyone,

I am so glad that God has given me this opportunity to get out into the world, discover my own faith, and be able to be in a complete Christian environment all the time...

More Beautiful You

I have been really struggling lately with self image and self worth lately.

I don't necessarily look at myself and think less of me because of my body weight or the way things look.

But more of what kind of things I have chosen to do

or things that have been done to my body in the past.

And that is where the self worth problems come in.

I always feel like the things in my past are going to greatly affect me in the future.

Like who I am going to marry.

God has someone out there for me

 but I always feel like once that person knows everything about me,

 it is going to change everything.

But that is what God is preparing in the heart of the one I am going to marry.

The willingness to help me with my past and accept that

that is part of who I am.

I got home tonight and really just sat and prayed for God to help me through this

and somehow let me know that there is someone out there and he will think I am perfect.

I then decided to listen online to KLOVE and read my Bible.

As I was laying down reading, the song More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz came on.

I absolutely wept in tears knowing that God is playing this song for me.

In this song it says in one part:

 "But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true and he'll treat you like the jewel you are"

I couldnt believe what I was hearing at first.

This was the answer to my prayer I had said not even 10 minutes earlier.

This song is so amazing and the chorus gets me everytime.

"There could never be a more beautiful you.

Don't buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through.

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do.

So there could never be a more beautiful you."

I posted the song below that has all the lyrics

for those who have not heard the song, or really needed a reminder

that God is going to provide you with someone.

And that you are PERFECT and Beautiful just the way you are.

Attacked!

So yesterday I was having an emotional roller coaster of a day and I knew the moment that the Enemy realized that I was weak and vulnerable, he was going to attack....

Sure enough, he did.

In the midst of trying to journal and just type out all my feelings for the stressful day, I just sat there in daze for a couple minutes and my mind started going off. I started thinking about things that have been done to me and how I responded to those situations with self worth problems and trying to fill that void.

 I started thinking that in an situation where I am hurt, I am going to turn to all that again... I was talking to a couple different people last night and I was just bitter about everything that happened. I was continuously trying to make my self worth seem non-existent again.

I immediately just took a stand and said
 "I am being attacked!"

Sometimes when we are attacked we may become ruled by our emotions and get to the point that we attack back in an irrational manner thus ruining our own testimony. Satan wanted to draw me in so he can diminish my spiritual and physical strength. Satan wanted me to commit all my resources to the attack so that I would be of no value to the Kingdom of God.

I was feeling vulnerable after having a long day and barely any sleep to add to that factor, and didnt think about how the Enemy was going to be waiting for the perfect time to do it. Sometimes I think its so hard to believe that all of this can happen in a period of 4 hours, but it did.

I literally got as far as thinking about future relationships in this attack. I automatically though to myself that anyone that I get close to in that manner is going to judge me because of my past. I thought that I was disqualified from ever finding true love. Satan tells us such horrible lies in the moments of attack and when you are weak, you have no choice but to believe them. And with me, if I try to ignore these lies and accusations, it will all turn into guilt and shame.

I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life to whom I know I can turn to and talk to about my attack and be able to calm down through it and realize once again that God is on my side. He has given me the authority to stop the Enemy mid-attack.

This is not the first of my attacks and I know it will not be the last, but I fear for those yet to come.
God did not give me a spirit of fear but the spirit of power and love through Christ Jesus.

You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

-John 8:44

One Year!

So as of today, 7/24/10, I have been baptized for one whole year!

I have just returned from Mayfield Lake Youth Camp and who I was last year at this point at camp, is a totally different person that I am today coming home from camp now...

Last year I remember trying to figure out who I was in Christ.

I was Confused. Broken. Hurting. Lost.

This year is COMPLETELY different.

I am Filled. Compassionate. Over joyed. Genuinely happy.

This past year I have had uncountable blessings.

I believe that God needs to receive all the glory for things He has done in my born again life.

• God blessed me with the most amazing opportunity to serve Him. He provided me with funds and with the support to go on a mission trip to San Francisco. He really worked through my heart when we were there. I have been completely softened and compassionate about those in poverty and who are less fortunate than we are. It really sparked an interest for mission trips in my future.
• He has provided me with adults in my life that all have a quality that helps me get to know Him better and continue to grow in Him. There are several leaders at my youth group that I completely adore with all of my heart. I know that if I had any little situation or question, that they would help me no matter the circumstances. I don't know where I would be if I had not seeked help from them all when I need it most.
• I had an experience this week at camp in helping a teenage girl come to accept Jesus Christ in her life. I did a repeat-after-me prayer with her when she realized that she needed Him in her life so bad. It brought tears and a smile to my face when I was able to do this to the first time. I was in tears because I know that feeling of being SO lost that you can't do anything but weep for Him to be in your life.
• God had called me to start my own little ministry through texting. I send out daily Bible verses every weekday morning to OVER 100 people. Although at this exact moment my phone is not working due to my clumsiness, it will be up and running again in no time. He has blessed me with an outreach opportunity to the people in my life that don't have Christ.
• I was able to help a homeless teenager upon returning from my mission trip. God was calling me to provide this girl with the basic needs and to share Him in her life. She was on a 2 year journey after running away from foster care so that she could find her real mother. I truly believe that God called me out personally to do this because He had previously prepared me in San Franciso.
• Although I was completely nervous and second guessing myself... A LOT... I was able to come to the understanding that God provided me with an amazing testimony and that He needs that glory. I shared at camp this week with WELL over 100 high schoolers. As I started to speak, my testimony really just flew outta my mouth. God was speaking right through me and with plenty of prayer before going up there, I was able to deny Satan the ability to shove the "should haves" into my mind afterward.

I think this is probably like a little sliver of what all He has done for me, but I know that these are some big things that have really changed my heart or I know are going to help me along the way.

I remember back when I thought I was FOR SURE disqualified from His Kingdom because I wouldn't give Him ALL of me when I knew I needed to. He ALWAYS privded me even when I didn't necessarily "ask" but He knew I that I needed it.

This last week has been very moving for me. We have talked about taking a stand in our faith with Jesus Christ. He really called me to make that Stand and give Him ALL of my heart, soul, and strength in everything that I do.

All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

Matthew 10:22

Well I'm an official High School Graduate!! =]

High school is such a weird time in life. You start friendships in elementary school, and keep them during middle school, and then high school comes around and everyone is completely different. You lose friendships. You gain some. Everyone changes. And then right when everything seems to fall into place, like everyone in the class is getting along, it's graduation time!

I feel like I am stuck in a "right now" moment with my friends because I don't want to lose them. But now I realize... It has only been almost 2 weeks since graduation and I have yet to talk to a group of my friends that I had considered my "best friends" all year...

People change.

 Some grow up and learn to take independence and life into their own hands, while others would rather not be self motivated with their new beginning.

It's so hard to let go of my friends, but at the same time so easy. I have been told by several that they don't normally last a lifetime. Although I would want them to, I realize the chances of that are very slim.

 People have told me:
"My high school friends and I are facebook friends and meet on a rare occasion, but aren't really "close"."

I had orientation just this last weekend at George Fox University, and I can tell you already that I know that is where God is calling me to be. It is so hard to leave my hometown feel behind, but I know He has bigger and better things for my life. I have already met new people and made new friends.

When I first got on campus I couldn't fathom how beautiful it was!

 I had automatic butterflies in my stomach. I had the "new home" feel inside my automatically. I don't even know how to explain it other than I could feel the presence of God surrounding me and making me feel at home. I was nervous and scared upon arrival and all my fear had suddenly washed away and I was so excited to see more!

I move into my dorms in exactly 65 days from now. (August 26th) I really couldnt feel more excited in my life. I have my classes all picked out and am ready for action!

I want to ask for prayers as I move onto this next stage in my life. I know I am fearless and ready, but there is also that little spot inside of me that doesn't want to leave people behind.

I want to promise everyone that I will keep in touch and not just move on with my life. I have such an amazing support system back here, and I never want to lose any of you guys!

Proverbs 18:24

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

                                                              

                                                                                                                                      

His Princess

In the last couple of weeks I have been in a selfish stage in my life. Heading into graduation week, I really just wanted to be a part of the crowd, not necessarily doing things for the right reasons. I wanted the approval of my senior class even though on the inside I knew I wasn't really like them.

On graduation day, I was totally ready to leave that part of me behind. I wanted to see myself through His eyes and I started reading scripture and still couldn't find the satisfaction that I was searching for.

I went through the day just excited to move onto the next stage in my life. Graduated with a big smile on my face and went through graduation night just in complete happiness and daze. 

I got home and started opening my gifts from the party. One after another I got card with money, card with money (not that that isn't appreciated in any way because it is without a doubt) and then I got to a book from Kathy Lauzis. I read the title "His Princess. Love Letters From Your King." I looked at it and moved past it because I was tired and wanted to get through them all so I could take a nap.

Today while sitting here I was reviewing the last week and realized I never really found what I was looking for. I felt that unsatisfaction again and then something was telling me that I needed to look at this book from Kathy again. I opened it up and found what I was looking for. I read the first letter from God and it reads:

To My Princess... My Chosen One:

I chose you before the foundation of the earth to be My princess.You are royalty even when you don't feel like a princess. I will wait for you until you are ready to start living the amazing plans I have for you. I know you don't where to begin or how to become what I've called you to be, so let Me teach you day by day. Start recognizing who I am: The King of kings and Lord of lords. The Lover of your soul. When the two of us meet alone together every day, I will show you how to let go of the things in your life that are holding you back from the blessings I want to give you.

Remember, My child, just as I have chosen you, I have given you a choice to represent Me in the world. If you are willing, I am here to give you all you need to compete your calling.

Love,

Your King and Lord who chose you.

Right when I read this, I knew that it was His way of telling me that I am royalty. I am His princess. This book was exactly what I  needed and was a true blessing from Kathy.

Earlier that day I had been reflecting on my life and the years I wasted not knowing God's plan, His purpose and the power that was mine for the asking. After reading this one letter from God, I realized we can live beyond our pain and our past, our fears and failures, and become... His princesses.

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

John 15:16

The Two Roads

I was skimming through a book today, Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul II, and came across this poem. I thought it was definitely something worth sharing on here. 

This poem, in a way, reflects my life.

The Two Roads

By Whitney Welch.

There was a path
Deep in the woods.
Once, it forked-
The bad, the good.

I chose to take
The left-hand path,
I did not know
I needed a map.

Now this road that I travel
Is dirty and battered.
It’s littered with dreams
That are broken and tattered.

Paved with wrongdoings
And dotted with hearts,
That were taken from people
And just torn apart.

Pain and regret
Are common here.
Wherever you turn,
They’re always near.

I want to cross
To the other path,
And leave behind
This painful wrath.

I thought I was forever
Doomed to walk.
And all the gates
Were tightly locked.

But as I continued,
A footbridge I could see.
A bridge of hope
Called out to me.

Slowly I crossed
To the path of good.
Finally I was on the path
Of which I thought I should.

Now hidden deep
Within the woods.
The one that forked;
Paths bad and good.

I once was wrong
But now I’m right.
And before me
Glows a guiding light.

Altered by
A little step.
So close to falling
In darkened depths.

But I was finally
Pulled to hope.
I found that footbridge,
And learned to cope.

My simple mistake
Following the crowd.
Ignoring the heart
That speaks so loud.

The choices you make
Can change your life.
One will bring happiness,
The other brings strife.

There was a path,
Deep in the woods.
Once it forked;
The bad, the good.

Heed my warning,
Because I know.
Follow your heart-
You’ll know where to go.

Almost to the next step....

The end of my senior year is nearing. It is crazy to think in just 20 days I will be walking towards the podium to receive my high school diploma. Everyone always talks about how graduation is such a sad time in life. I do admit all my high school memories will always be cherished and missed, but I am not quite sure I will miss being in high school. Maybe the idea of actually getting a life now is what is scary to me.

I am at a point where I know God has an amazing future for me and has a perfect plan, but I always have that little suspicion that if He had such a great plan for me, why would I be so scared for the future? Sometimes I find myself fearing the future. Not because I think something bad is going to happen, but because I always want to have a plan and know what is going to happen. 

God definitely does have a sense of humor though. When you think you have everything figured out, He pulls the "gut trick." It's that feeling you get in your gut that you know you should be doing something else, going a certain place, or doing something in particular. For instance when I had my whole college life planned for Northwest Christian but in my gut I knew I should be going to George Fox. Or when I was driving by Walmart and saw the homeless teenager, Orianna, and I had somewhere to be, but in my gut I knew I had to stop and talk to her.

God works in the most amazing ways and I know when the time is right, He will reveal to me what I need to be doing. In the meantime, I think I should be counting my blessings while I still have them....

High school has been a drastic time in my life. I have had some amazing ups and I have had some pretty horrible downs. But I know that when God takes away, He is going to provide me with something more than I could ever ask for. The start of my high school years was basically doing whatever it takes to get from day to day, filling a void I had in my life. I didn't believe that there was a God and at that point, I didn't think there was ever a way I was gonna find Him in my life either. I give a special thanks to Molly Campbell for randomly asking me to go to Mayfield Lake Youth Camp after my freshman year because I have NO idea where I would be if I hadn't found the Lord. I was addicted to things I wish I had never even tried. I was doing stuff I wish I had never done. But I came into the Lord's presence that year at camp and ever since then He has been transforming my heart in uncountable ways.

After my junior year in high school, I got baptized at Mayfield Youth Camp. 

I could easily qualify this as the most amazing day in my high school life. The Lord saved me from everything I was keeping within. Every void I was filling, every secret I was hiding... He forgave me and I am a better person for everything now.

I could sit here all night and try to list all my blessings that God has gracefully given me, but I think they are uncountable. From college plans to the amazing people He has put in my life... I could not ask for more. I have been blessed with the most amazing church family and the most amazing youth workers at my church and I would not have it any other way.

College is the next step in my life and I know God has an amazing plan for me at George Fox. I am so anxious to see what He has for me there, but I don't know if I am quite ready to leave all my blessings behind.

A Prayer For The Future

Father, although I cannot see the future You have planned,

And though the path is sometimes dark and hard to understand,

Yet give me faith, through joy and pain to trace Your loving hand.

When I recall that in the past your promises have stood

Through each perplexing circumstance and every changing mood,

I rest content that all things work together for my good.

Whatever, then, the future brings of good or seeming ill,

I ask for strength to follow You and grace to trust You still;

And I would look for no reward, except to do Your will.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

*Jeremiah 29:11