Just For Laughs Part Two

A lot of people told me that they died laughing from my last post about the funny things people have said, so I started compiling this list as soon as I posted the last one. I actually found a bunch of them in my journal that I totally forgot about! I really enjoy thinking back to all the conversations I had! It puts a big smile on my face! =)

Enjoy!

"So you have non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"Sooo... Are you gonna die? Or is it treatable? Or..."

"Haha, no. I'm not dying."

"Okay, good. Then it shouldn't be that bad, right?"

"I still have cancer, lol. Just because I'm not actually dying doesn't mean treatment is any different."

"Well that's dumb."

"Well how is school going?"

"School has been great, but I am actually not in school at the moment."

"Oh, how come?"

"Health problems, so I took the last few weeks off."

"Do you mind me asking what's wrong? I hope it's not too serious."

"Well, I actually have been battling cancer."

"Oh... Well, I should get going now..."

"I guess it has just been really hard taking this all in."
"Oh yeah. I know how you feel."

"So... Is chemo as bad as it is on TV?"

"So is that one of the bad kinds of cancer?"

"Are there any good kinds of cancer?"

"Sheraya, seriously?!"
"What?? We all gotta fart some time! I am sure everyone in this room is not gonna care about me farting! Plus my doctors tell me to make sure I fart because chemo has caused me to be constipated quite a bit!"
"Ummm... Little bit too much information there, lol."
(9 year old Eric) "That was a fart?! I thought someone did the whoopie cushion!"

(5 year old) "Are you still going to be able to play with me?"
"Yeah, I can still play with you!"
"Okay, good. Cause I can't draw a four square court by myself."

This conversation was held with Sheraya about a week before she passed away. She was really weak at that point, so she wasn't up and about like normal.
(Sheraya to nurse) "Why can't I just at least get up and move around a little bit?!"
(nurse) "Sheraya, your body is so weak. Maybe tomorrow." Nurse exits the room.
"Why are you wanting to get up so bad? When I feel weak, I just never want to move!"
"Well, I adopted this phrase from an older patient here. 'If you keep moving, they can't throw dirt on you!'"

"Your new nickname is Dragon Warrior. Mainly because of our family's love for Kung Fu Panda. I don't know why dragon, but you are a warrior!"

"I know you probably get asked this a ton, but what kind of cancer do you have again?"

"The contagious kind." (sarcastically obviously)

"Wait, what? What kind is that??"

**FYI—My doctor is very sarcastic and we mess with each other a lot.
(doctor) "Haley, I told you that you shouldn't be in the sun because your skin is a lot more sensitive! You are so sunburnt!"
"I'm sorry! I couldn't help it! The sun was just... right there! It was so beautiful outside!"
"Do you want skin cancer too?!"

This was the morning after my 2nd day of IV chemo (which wasn't too back because it was only a half hour long).

(doctor) "How are you feeling today, Haley?"

"Compared to after my first day of chemo, not too bad at all!"

"Well... We'll have to fix that!"

"I've had a lot of radiation so far. I feel like I should be like... Incredible Hulk by now. I feel cheated!"

(doctor) "Well, I would say after about Radiation number...8! Then you'll probably be good!"

**I am putting a 5 year old to bed early on before starting chemo and explaining to her that I would be taking medicine that makes me feel better, but might make my hair fall out**

"Do you want to say your nightly prayers?"

"Yes. Dear God, thank you for helping the doctors give Haley medicine that makes her better. Even if it makes her hair fall out. But please don't make me ever have to take that kind of medicine! Thank you! Amen."

(3 year old) "Haley, can I have a drink of your water?"

"Yeah, here you go."

Takes a drink and hands it back to me.

"Oh no. I'm not gonna get really sick like you, will I?"

(Sheraya) "You are familiar with the cancer diet, right?"
"No! The doctor's never said anything to me about one! What is it?"
"Well, we can eat whatever we want, whenever we want, even ice cream for breakfast!"
"I see, is that because of the nausea?"
"Haha, no! It's because I have cancer! Who is going to tell me no when I tell them I have cancer! You gotta milk it for all it's worth, Haley!"

I don't know if I am going to be able to come up with any more of these unless a lot more funny conversations happen. So.... that was fun! =)

I am Weak. He is Strong.

I found this picture today and I really liked it, so I thought I'd share.

It has definitely been a pretty rough weekend.

I think I got so excited about being in remission that I didn't realize the effect that chemo and radiation would still have on my body even after I am done with the actual treatments.

I have been laid up all weekend. Literally.
I was cramping up so bad that when I stood up to go to the bathroom, I thought I was going to pass out. Then on top of that, I have been experiencing horrible headaches and hot flashes.
And when I talked to the doctor about it, all they can say is that it is a normal side effect to those who have had chemo and also radiation in the pelvic region.
Chemo and radiation can put you in a pre-menopausal state. Sometimes it is just temporary, and other times it can be permanent. The doctors explained to me that a lot of patients experience this earlier on, but it is not uncommon that you experience this after you stop treatment too.

On top of that, my body is still experiencing fatigue, that in which I know is obviously completely normal. Although the doctors have told me that my white blood cell levels are high enough to go to Romania, I find myself still pretty nervous about where my body is at physically.

They have me on immune boosters and are doing radiation this Tuesday, but what happens if I get sick when I am overseas? The thought of feeling like I have this weekend in a different country kind of freaks me out. But then again, I just feel like I have a lot of the "crazies" getting in my head. So many people are worried about me getting sick (which obviously makes sense), but ever since I found out I have been able to go... All I have is a negative image of getting sick.

I know that the doctors wouldn't clear me to go unless they thought I was safe to do so and they never even really had any doubts about it either. When they did the tests on me last week, they gave me an okay without any real hesitations, which has gotta mean something, right?

I can only hope and pray that in these 9 more days leading up to leaving for Romania that I will gain some more strength back and not feel like I have this weekend. I have this deep longing to go serve in Romania, but I just pray that my fear of getting sick doesn't overpower my ability to mentally be ready to serve.

Lord, I know you have a plan for all of this.

I trust that You know exactly what you are 

doing. Although my body is weak, I know

that You are strong. My flesh my fail, but,

my God—You never will.  Thank you for 

all that You have done in my life, and all

that You will continue to do. I praise You.

Just For Laughs

Today I just really felt the need to have a fun blog! I just wanted to post some of the funny conversations and statements that have happened throughout this whole journey (well, as many as I can remember). Also—I bolded the parts I said.

"Is there anything you need?" 

"Umm... Can I have your uterus?" 

"Will it make my stomach flatter?!?!"

"Oh and didn't that lady over in that house die of.....(stops sentence)"

"You can say the word cancer, ya know. It's okay, lol."

"Bellows, let's look at the bright side of this... You can win the Tour de France like 7 times after this." 

"Umm, Haley. You recover from your cancer symptoms really fast" (said by 7 yr old)

"Hey....Remember that time your cancer disappeared??"

"No, she can't take vitamins! I started reading a lot of cancer blogs and have read that several times!"

"I feel like we need to name your uterus..... How about Ursula??"

"P.S. Since you're wanting real, normal conversations, thought I'd tell you that..... I'm picking up dog poop!"

"You must be so jealous of the metal taste that I am getting from chemo!"
"I should try sucking on pennies to see if I can get the full effect!"

"Well, it's okay if you do lose all your hair... Because then you would have like a... baby bird head!! All fuzzy and stuff!"

"Look at the bright side! Your cancer color is LIME GREEN!"

"Wanna know why I know you can get through this? Because you have gotten through worser times than this... Like that time you peed your pants!"

 "I don't know if you remember or not, but I said I only like you for your cancer....So now that it's gone..."

"If you drink that kind of green smoothie, then maybe you will poop out all your cancer."

"You really need to milk this for all that it's worth! Can't you get a handicap parking ticket? Or what about if you enter every restaurant by saying, 'Hey! I have cancer and I'm hungry'—Think they'll give you free food??"

"So I decided that I am pretty much done with this whole cancer thing."
"Did you tell your cancer that? Maybe if you demanded it, it would go away?"

"Ugh, I keep losing weight! I can't even keep my jeans on!"

"#cancerproblems"

"Sheraya, it is probably not a good idea to trip the poor little guy! He is only 8!"
"Haley, if only you knew half the things he has done to me. He may look sweet and innocent, but he is as good at pranks as Ashton Kutcher."

"Haley! You really should drink green tea though! I saw on a movie that it decreases your chance of getting cancer by 15%!"
"Umm, I already have cancer."

"Hey, how was chemo?"
"It was not good at all. I was throwing up ALL night and then I woke up this morning completely fatigued. My whole body just wants to die."
"That stinks. I am not feeling too good either. My allergies are driving me crazy!"
"You win." (sarcastically)
"Ugh, I know. They are the worst."

"What kind of cancer do you have?"
"Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma."
"I was right! My friend was telling me about his friend who died of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and I said I had a friend with it, but I wanted to make sure it was the same kind."

"Yes, I do have cancer."
"Wow, that sucks!"

"I heard that if you just eat some asparagus and a little bit of lemon water, you'll be fine"

"At least now you can stop worrying about getting cancer since you already have it!"

"Sheraya, you say the craziest things, lol."
"We need to make a 'Sh** Cancer Patients Say' video!"

(doctor) "So, can you tell me what your poop was like last time you went?"

"Why do you need to know about my poop??"

"Well... I guess I'm not really sure. I really just need to know if you are constipated or not?"

"Umm, nope. I am pooping regularly."

"Good to know."

"Haley!! You need to contact Make A Wish Foundation!! Doooo ittt!!!"

"I have to be under 18 to do that."

"Can't you just lie about your age?"

(Sheraya) "If someone tells me that my head feels like a peach one more time!"

"What are you gonna do?"

"Let them know that I would gladly help them get their head to feel like it too!"

"I can't get this stupid IV cord to stop twirling around my arm!"

"#chemoproblems"

"I gained 6 pounds! So excited!"

"I think you are the only person I know that gets excited about that."

And... I think that's a wrap. If I start remembering more, I will start compiling another blog full. Hope you enjoyed some of these! I sure had quite the laugh remembering these conversations.

When Opportunities Arise

I am sitting here at a coffee shop, eyes completely red and puffy from crying. Thankful that I decided not to wear any makeup today because I knew that would turn in to a mess.

Today was a day of celebration. A day to celebrate the life of my dear friend, Sheraya Mason.

I was given a days notice that I would be speaking at the service. Not only speaking, but speaking first! As well as praying after I was done speaking.

Praying–I can do.

Speaking in front of people–Not so much.

I had originally told myself that I was not going to prepare a speech of any sort because I knew that would cause me to freak out a bit, but about a half hour before the service I realized that not having any sort of plan REALLY freaked me out.

So I sat there on the pew throwing together some bullet points for the speech as well as writing out what I thought to be a good ending before I prayed. As the service began, I sat there rewording a lot of things, trying to make a decent ending. The choir stopped and that was my queue to head up to the stage. I slowly stood up and made my way to the front, knots in my stomach. 

And of course... Me being me... Tripped up the stairs on my way to the podium. So embarrassing!! 

But at least that is one way to break the awkward silence before I had to start actually talking. So once everyone stopped chuckling, I began.

I started off by sharing a bit about me so people didn't think that I was some random girl talking FIRST at Sheraya's Celebration of Life. I talked about how I met her and how she introduced herself to me by saying, "Welcome to the worst place on earth, but don't be scared–We make it fun!"

That got a good laugh from the audience.

I talked about the impact she made on my life. I shared with them many memories I had with her. Then I went on to explain how blessed I was to be able to be the one share with her God's beautiful gift of salvation and how Sheraya thrived in learning more about the Lord as her days drew to an end. 

People in the audience were crying, which then of course made me start choking up. 

I remember talking for a bit longer between that moment, and the ending, but I don't remember exactly what I said. But here is the ending that I had scribbled out a half hour before the service.

"We are all sitting here not to grieve the loss of our precious friend Sheraya, but rather to celebrate her life. Although her death came quicker than expected, we all know that she is sitting embraced in the arms of Jesus. I am so grateful to have known her for the few short weeks that I did. I am grateful that Sheraya was there to make me laugh in times of suffering. She had a contagious smile and a heart of gold. All of my memories with her will be cherished and remembered forever. Sheraya will forever live in my heart... In our hearts. I know everyone says "She wouldn't want us to be crying..." at a time like this, but I don't know if that would be true with her. She truly embraced the times she cried because she knew it was always for some special meaning. So as we sit here, reminisce on the tears you shed with Sheraya, whether it be out of joy or pain because those are the times that mean so much. Let's embrace together the gratefulness that we all feel for being given the chance to have known Sheraya. She will be forever missed, but I know that in time, I will get to meet her again. We will all get to meet Sheraya again and I'm sure she'll be sitting there at Heaven's gates ready for us. Let's pray..."

I sit here thinking about how I was just up on stage a couple hours ago saying this, and I am in disbelief. Did I really say this? I don't even remember it even a little bit. 

But what I do remember is trying to contain my sobbing as I was praying. Trying to catch my breath as choked out the words, "In Jesus Name, Amen." 

I sat there for a second with my eyes still closed, listening to the sniffling of everyone in the audience. I looked up and one by one people started standing up. Clapping. Do people really clap at these things??? Although I was slightly confused at that, I was overcome by joy. I felt a peace about the words I shared because I knew that they were meaningful in many ways.

And boy am I glad that I wrote out my ending before hand because I am sure I would have drawn a complete blank! 

The rest of the service was absolutely beautiful. And after the service I was approached by more people than I would have ever imagined. People thanking me left and right for the wonderful speech I gave. All of this affirmation was such a blessing.

I don't know if I would ever volunteer to give a speech at this sort of thing again, but if asked, there is a good chance that I would say yes!

I feel so honored to have been able to share on behalf of Sheraya. 

"Those we love don't go away,

They walk beside us every day,

Unseen, unheard, but always near,

Still love, still missed, and very dear."

Lord, although I know my nerves will

always get the best of me in this sort 

of situation, I thank you so much for the

opportunity to speak truth in to the lives

of others that know Sheraya. Thank you 

for her friendship. I am so blessed.

Living For Today

I have sat at my computer every night for the last four nights wanting so much to get some words out on my page. Nothing has came. I have had a complete mental block and it has been driving me crazy!

I couldn't understand for the longest time why I couldn't get anything out because I feel like there is so much to write about! I have been in Remission for almost a week now and it still feels pretty surreal.

I think I have pretty much pin-pointed the reason why I have struggled to get anything written. I think I have tried so hard to figure out how to write how overjoyed I am and how exciting life has been since I found out that I am in Remission...

I am not discounting at all how great it has been because I have had an absolute blast! The first night I spent in remission with friends was amazing and then the following days of celebration with going out to lunch, dinner, coffee dates, and a zoo trip were wonderful. Then I just spent an amazing weekend in Portland with friends that was a real treat, but underneath that all... There is this intense amount of fear.

I go throughout the day completely packing my day with excitement without ever giving myself the time of day to think about how I am really feeling. Then when I get to the end of the day and want to blog or sleep, my mind races. I think about what life was like before I was diagnosed, but it almost seems as if that will never happen again. My body is still weak, trying to recover from chemo. How long will that take to go away?

I wake up the next morning always wondering if this is the day that the cancer is going to come back, and it scares me that I don't have as many appointments because what if during that extended period of time it came back? But I have to fight every day to make sure that my extreme amount of worry does not overtake the joy that I have in my life.

I have to remind myself every morning that God is with me in sickness AND in health. And just because of that... I have reason to celebrate every single day.

I think a word that has completely transformed my mind throughout this whole journey is the word "Courage." Even with things that I have endured in my past, I don't think that I have truly known what it means to have courage until these last 6 weeks.

Courage: *The ability to do something that frightens one.
               * Strength in the face of pain or grief.

This defines my journey. I have found courage within me that I never knew was there and it has been something that I have been able to share with others too. Cancer is scary. It is painful and I have had to endure through a lot of suffering. But I have been able to endure and fight.

One of the definitions I found said something along the lines that courage is facing pain without fear. But I think that is completely wrong. Fear is an emotion that I don't think will ever go away, but it is something that I can definitely contain.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.


Joy is so much more important than fear.
Faith is so much more important than fear.
Hope is so much more important than fear.

I need to surrender daily and fight to defend these things from being taken away from me.

This morning on my way to my doctors appointment, the song Live for Today by Natalie Grant came on and I could not have been happier to hear it.


"You told me not to worry
About what lies ahead
So I am gonna focus on today instead
Making every moment count and counting
Every single blessing
I'm gonna set my mind on the 
Here and the Now
This is what I want my life to be about
And this is how....
I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in your way
I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna life it for today." 

Then today as I was sharing all of this stuff with my counselor... She explained to me that all of my emotions are completely normal. She said that everyone has fear of relapse, and fear that things won't ever return to normal. Then she showed me a quote that I thought was just so wonderful. (she is really good at giving me stuff like this!)

"All you have is today. The past is gone. The future is yet to be. Peace of mind only exists in the present. Worry about the past and fear of the future are two emotions that keep you from living the moment and rob you of the beauty of today. Living in the present is living life to the fullest, as if each day were your last. The simple pleasure of the moment are yours for the asking. All you have to do it take the time to pause by the flowers and savor their scent, hug your friends and family and tell them you love them every chance you get, savor the smells of the food you are cooking, and give thanks for the gift of life and waking up to a brand new day." 

Lord, I thank you for the gift of life.

For having new mercies for me every

morning. For blessing me beyond

what I could ever imagine. I serve a 

God who is so awesome!!!!!

PS: I got the go ahead to go on my mission trip to Romania in June!! I am so excited!!!!! 
Praise the Lord!!

(I am currently behind on fundraising though because of everything that happened, so if you would like to help me out, let me know please! There are a couple weeks left before the trip and anything helps!) 

Suffering Servant

I have been asked several times if these 6 weeks of suffering, pain, and fear were worth it. Or if I would do it all over again if I could...

It might be a little soon for me to say that I would do it all over again, but there is no doubt in my mind that those 6 weeks were worth it.

Every minute spent in tears.
Every bit of sickness.
Every time I felt like giving up.

All I can ever think about now is how precious Sheraya must have been to the Lord. He placed me in her life just in time for her to spend eternity with Him. And that was obviously all in His timing. I don't doubt that for even a second.

But aside from knowing that Sheraya's life was saved because of God's beautiful gift of salvation, I grew more than I could ever imagine.

I had a wonderful conversation the other day with a friend that has been in remission for about 6 years now and she really put a lot of great perspectives on things I hadn't thought about before. She is truly inspiration to me! And I can't wait to have more conversation with her!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." Romans 8:28-30.

So beyond knowing that God works for the good of those who love him, He predestined us to be conformed to the image of his Son. Jesus was a suffering servant. So in order to be in his image, we must also face pain, but continue to serve. Moments like these–the depths of despair–these are the moments we ultimately know what it means to be Christlike. Our suffering has the capability of relating to Jesus' suffering, which then brings us to experiencing the power of new life. And I want to thank Cheree for helping me fully understand that.

I am praying now that I can fully understand that in sickness AND in health, Jesus is near and always will be. It has always been said that it is easy to lose sight of God after a huge amount of suffering because He seemed SO near in the hard times. I don't want to be left asking, "Where is He now?" I want to continue to desire to know Him more in every season of my life.

Knowing Christ is a relationship that surpasses all and these are words I must cling on to when in the midst of suffering. Because in those moments of misery is when I will be able to grasp this knowledge of Christ's presence in my life in a way I have never before.

I am not saying that I would love to be suffering my whole life, but what I am saying is that I will never look at suffering the same after these last 6 weeks.

Praise the LORD that I am in remission because even my doctor said that there really is no explanation, other than a miracle, behind the disappearance of (almost) all of the cancer. A friend yesterday said, "I am never surprised by God, but I am always amazed." And I do not think there are better words than these in a time like this!

I just wanted to take this time for all of your prayers and support!! All the cards, gifts, phone calls, visits, hanging out, etc. Friendship and love is such a beautiful thing and has helped carry me through to this point and I could not be more thankful!!

Thank you to everyone who contributed to my still-growing Box!
And those who contributed in other ways, those memories are in my heart!!

Although I am in remission, prayers are still needed!
Prayers that God would perpetuate this healing.
That I would stay in remission without any relapsing.

May 15th, 2012 is a day that will never be forgotten.
God is still good.

Lord, I can't praise You enough for being

with me in sickness and in health. The

suffering that I have endured has drawn

me to You in a way that I have never 

experienced before. You are the Great

Physician and I thank you for the

miracle You have performed in my life.

Still Left Speechless

I have typed out and erased this first sentence about a million times now. I have no idea where to even begin. How about...

I AM IN FRICKIN REMISSION!!!

How's THAT for excitement!! I had to add in the "frickin" to add a little emphasis. ;) lol I am still left a little speechless about what happened at my doctors appointment yesterday. And still find myself pinching myself to make sure I am not in a dream. 

Just in case some people didn't hear...

Yesterday I was supposed to be going in for an appointment to find out what my next plan of treatment was going to be since the diagnosis just a week an a half prior was that the cancer had spread and I was now in Stage 2. My doctor came in and did a CAT Scan of just my pelvic area since that was where the cancer was. Then a second doctor, which I had never seen before, came in and said that they needed to do a full body scan. Then a third doctor, which I had never seen before, came in and said that I was going to need a PET Scan now.

During this whole time, none of the doctors explained what was going on. So of course in my mind, I assume the worst. I saw all of the doctors looking over my images together and then going back and forth between offices and what not.

Then my doctor finally came in and showed me my scans from a week and a half ago and then my scans from yesterday. There was VERY little on my scans from yesterday, and what was left on the scan were in a dormant state. Leaving my doctor completely dumbfounded at what was on the images, or a lack thereof. He then said, 

"I think right about now is when I can start throwing around the word remission."

I instantly started crying and sat there for literally a half hour in disbelief.

Then that is when I obviously had to spread the news and my phone was blowing up all night and has continued throughout today. I have gotten to celebrate my remission with people all across the world (seeing how my best friend is in China celebrating in her own way).

Last night I got to hang out with Lindsay, Mandee, and Evangeline in celebration of this amazing news! We ate lots of guacamole, me-a burrito, went to Founders Day at Fred Meyers (which I never knew existed), and then got ice cream at Dairy Queen. Then I ended the night crying on the couch with Mandee while watching videos of soldiers coming home from war, lol. 

Here is me eating my "Remission Burrito"
I wish I would have documented the night more, dang it!

It was a fabulous evening and the celebrating will be continuing on for awhile, I'm sure. 

I sit here in reflection over the last 6 weeks, trying to figure out what even to say... 

God is so good. 

But I feel like that is worthy of a whole other blog for a different day. 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to HIM be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21.

Trusting His Provision

Despite a clumsy ankle sprain that left me with an ankle the size of a softball, I have had such an amazing weekend!

Like I previously said, on Saturday I just felt really good because I adopted the phrase,"Look Good, Feel Good." And I think that fully swung in to my day on Sunday.

Although talking to a million people at church on Sunday can be very overwhelming, I would never say that it wasn't worth it. I have found it really hard to find a good balance between where I want to be... I absolutely love being in Newberg because of the people I have there, but I love being home because of the people I have here. Each person in my life has a different way of speaking in to my life and I wish I could just gather everyone up and move to my own village with them all, lol. ;)

After church I got to hang out with my older sister, go to a BBQ at a friends, hang out with a family that I adore so much, hang out with a huge chunk of my family for dinner, and then ended the day with a 3 hour visit with another family that I love so much.

Even though I woke up this morning with barely a voice, I wouldn't change the conversations I had for anything. Not only did I get to clear my mind out a lot, I also just got to hang out and not talk about me for a change.

I have found myself truly doubting that miracle will happen, even though I do fully believe that they can happen. I serve a God that is beyond powerful. He has the capability to change the way things are, but I have found myself in this mindset that this is not going to change and that I am going to have to conquer this mountain. And even though I may not feel like I can, I know that I am continuously finding strength from the Lord and those around me.

Then today I got to go out to breakfast with my family, go to the church and hang out with a wonderful friend and then go out to lunch with another friend. And once again—conversation was great!

In conversation with El, believing if God causes things to happen or if He just allows them to happen. God obviously did not intend for the world to be like this. He created the Earth and it was good! That is definitely the last word I would use to describe the way this world is. But since God is all powerful, He has the ability to stop things from happening. El had mentioned that a lot of bad things in this world are ending consequences to sin, whether it be your own or someone else's sin. Except sickness and natural disasters. That got me thinking.

If cancer is technically not created by Satan, obviously not created by God, and not of consequence of a sin... Then why does God allow it? I don't believe that cancer was in God's plan for me, and even though there has been a lot of good coming from this already, but why couldn't this be prevented? I still and will always believe that God is good, but why this? Why me?

At church on Sunday, Pastor Galen talked a lot about finding peace through suffering. That suffering should always lead us to God and that through prayer, I should be seeking out His purpose. But sometimes that sounds so much easier said than done. I would not say that by any means I have not found peace through this, but what is His purpose? Was His only purpose in this to make sure I brought Sheraya to know Him? Or was that only the beginning of what He has in store.

I am trusting in His provision for this season of my life.

Lord, although I know you are powerful enough

to perform a miracle, I am having a hard time

believing that You are actually going to. I don't 

understand this at all, but I am choosing to Trust You.

It's a Choice

Today has been the kind of day where I truly believe in the phrase

"Look Good, Feel Good."

I woke up this morning and did not feel the greatest, but I knew that if I was going to lay around all day that it wasn't going to make me suddenly feel any better.

So I got up and decided that I was going to embrace this beautiful, sunny Saturday.

I have spent the last month in sweats, yoga pants, t-shirts, and sweatshirts because I have been pretty self-concious about the fact that I can tell my body is changing. And on top of that, most of my other clothes are a little big on me from the weight I have lost.

Although I spent my day in a pair of capri yoga pants and a tank top, I felt really good. I got up, showered, straightened my hair, and even put a little make-up on! (very, very minimal make-up, lol). Even though my doctor got mad at me because I got sunburnt pretty bad, I feel so healthy because I am somewhat tan again!

Then today I went with some family and got a pedicure, which always makes you feel good! It has just been a truly wonderful day despite everything that is going on.

I am sitting here at Red Leaf after just having a "coffee date" (Stress Buster smoothie for me!) and it felt so good to just talk. Especially conversation that had very little to do with my actual health.

I look forward to going to church tomorrow! I am going to whip out some of my cute clothes to wear, straighten my hair, and embrace my tan because I don't know for sure yet if there is going to be another Sunday soon that I will look good and feel good.

I know everyone's response to that last comment is probably going to be something along the lines of "You are beautiful no matter what. Your smile and heart of gold are what makes you who you are... Not your hair or your clothes or any of the materialistic beauty."—But seriously... Easier said than living that reality.

I have so many questions and I fear the unknown answers.

Will I finally be able to eat and keep food down?
Am I going to lose my hair?
How much weight am I going to lose?
Will I gain weight?
How much is my body going to change?

Today I am choosing to ignore those questions and embrace how I feel in this very moment. I am choosing to look good and feel good.

Lord, I thank You for the body You

have given me, and I am choosing 

to praise You no matter what happens

to the way I look either. You give and

take away. But blessed be Your name .

Get Those Lies Outta Here

After having a really good day of seeing friends, going to counseling, having a movie night, and blogging... I just felt genuinely happy and as if I was truly covered in an unexplainable peace.

I got home late yesterday evening feeling really good, but not quite tired. I journaled for a bit and then remembered that the new Grey's Anatomy was that night. So I decided to watch that before hittin the hay.

I think I would have learned by now that watching medical TV shows is probably not the best idea. I sat there in tears as Arizona cried in Callie's arms about never wanting to be alone because her brother's best friend, her "rock," was dying from cancer.

So I laid in my bed, weeping.

I obviously know that I am not dying, but I just couldn't help but think to myself "What if I end up being alone in this?" And at that very moment, a sudden whoosh of complete loneliness covered me.

In this very instant, I think Satan finally found his foothold. I felt attacked in a way that I haven't in a long time. Although I knew deep inside that I am not alone, at that very moment I felt like I had absolutely no one in the world. And it was 1am, so I was not about to text or call anyone.

I felt like I was being drug in to a deep hole of spiritual attack. I found myself getting upset that I didn't have anyone to talk to and even getting mad that was no one was talking to me. I laid there for what seemed like hours wanting so much to pick up the phone and call someone but kept hearing in my head, "Anyone you call this late will be mad that you woke them up." 


All I remember is eventually crying myself to sleep, and waking up several times throughout the night from dreams of being in the hospital alone all the time.

I woke up this morning exhausted, and knowing that I cannot continue to feed in to the lies that the enemy plants in my head. I picked up my phone and I had a text with a picture in it. I opened up the text and was instantly brought to tears.

"I felt really compelled to send you this text this morning. I don't know what you are going through, but I want you to know that I am here for you. And I am sure many others are."

I received this text from a friend that I have not seen in years, one that probably has no idea of the battle I am going through right now.

Now if that is not a God-breathed message, I don't know know what is!

I am choosing to smile, laugh, and be happy today—fully knowing that I am not alone in this.

Lord, thank You once again for reminding me

that I am not alone. I am blessed by many 

friends as well as knowing that You are 

always near. I will continue to fight

through any spiritual attack that

comes my way. Thank you for

the strength You've given me.

Just Another Day

(This blog is going to be fairly random...)

Although I woke up this morning to needles getting poked in me and needles getting removed from me, all I could think in my head was, "God is good and His mercies are new every morning."

I was told I would soon be able to go home as long as my white blood cell counts were high. When they said that, I automatically assumed the worst was going to happen. I was so sure that my counts would come back low because through this all, I haven't been given much good news with my health.

But then I received two different texts at the same time that put a huge smile on my face. They started with, "Good Morning Beautiful!" and "Good Morning Sunshine!" Nothing like some dear friends to make your day start off just right! 

My count came back high and I was outta there. Then as I was driving down the road, once again thinking about Sheraya and beginning to think of this loss as pure tragedy, I received my next little blessings in the form of two more texts. 

"Isaiah 12:4-6. When I read this I thought of your friend, Sheraya and all that God did in that situation through you. Give thanks to the Lord for he has done great things (in the midst of your struggles!!) Xxooxx"

"We just spent time as a team praying for you, friend. We love you!!!"

I feel like some days, the texts seem endless and sometimes overwhelming, but today it has felt completely different. It is such a beautiful day and I have had a smile on my face all day. I mean, I had a breakdown in counseling today, but I found myself laughing while I was crying. 

Someone sent me a video the other day of Jimmy Valvano's speech given at the 1993 ESPY Awards. If you haven't heard it before, I highly recommend it! I would say that it is probably one of the most inspiring speeches, despite it being about cancer. Click here if you haven't watched it! 

"To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day."—Jimmy Valvano.

I have made it a goal to make sure I do these three things every day.

Here is another text that I received yesterday from a friend that really made me smile, in a sense of knowing that God is still good!

"Just read your blog! Praying for you and of course so sorry Sheraya is gone. It seems so unfair. (...) But talk about God beginning a redemption story through you! Just the fact that through the hell the enemy is putting you through, God is already making the enemy look like a joke because not only are you clinging to the Lord, but you are bringing others into His Kingdom for eternity. The enemy must be furious, so I'm praying for your battle against spiritual attack. You are incredible, Haley. I'm so blessed to know you."

Her text brought tears to my eyes, but a smile on my face. I never really thought about how stupid the enemy looks through all of this. 

I have had countless texts, messages, and conversations about my Sheraya story. Most of them telling me that they were moved to tears (which makes me wish I would have put at the top: make sure you have tissues!). I just feel completely honored to be a part of this story that so many are encouraged by. It almost seems unreal! 

Also today, my counselor said something that I have heard before, but never really believed it until lately. 

"Asking for help doesn't make you weak. Asking for trust and understanding doesn't make you a failure. Asking for someone to listen or to talk to doesn't make you needy. It means you're human. A mature one at that. You need to know you aren't in this alone, and  by letting people help you, even with simple things, can make you feel loved. And don't be afraid to cry. It takes more strength to admit you're hurting than to hide your emotions."

I have found out now more than ever that I just need to know that I am not alone and that I am loved. And if I don't ever ask for help, then it makes it hard for others to help remind me of those things. I have found it beginning to be a lot easier to ask for help. Whether it be asking to hang out all day because I don't want to be alone or to just sit on the phone not saying a word because I don't know what to say... There are countless things that mean so much! 

People may not invite me places because they may think I am too sick to go out.
People may not call me because they think I don't want to talk. 

People may not want to talk to me at all because they are afraid they might say the wrong thing.

People are going to continue to think all of these things because that is just how humans are in situations like this.

How do they know what I need or want if I never tell them?

I need to continually remind myself that I need to put myself out there. 

To end this, I am going to share one more thing. 

"If God is sovereign, then he is in control of all the details of my life. If He is loving, then He is going to be shaping the details of my life for my good. If He is all-wise, then He's not going to do everything I want because I don't know what I need. If He is patient, then he is going to take time to do all this. When we put all of these things together—God's sovereignty, love, wisdom, and patience—we have a divine story."—Paul E. Miller.

Lord, thank You for the overflow of blessings

that I have been receiving lately. Thank You for

the friends You have placed in my life, and for 

the friends You will continue to place in my life.

But most of all—Thank You for my Divine Story.

Finding Life Out Of Chaos

Today I will be dealing with...   Grief.
This was my word that I first thought of this morning.

When I got home yesterday after having spent hours crying about Sheraya, I was extremely exhausted. My eyes were heavy and dry and would have a burning sensation when I tried to keep them open. I tried doing some of the relaxation things that my counselor had done with me the same day. Yet I could not fall asleep at all.

I laid there, eyes closed, mind running full speed.

I feel like I laid there for hours reminiscing over the tears Sheraya and I cried together, from both joy and pain.

I remember when she would tell me the "hot gossip" about the old man that sat diagonally from us across the chemo room.
I remember the time when I sat there quickly getting nauseous, but I couldn't help but laugh when she said, "You look like you just got off a tilt a whirl!"
I remember the time that Eric, a 9 year old boy with leukemia, finally got her back with the Whoopie Cushion and she did nothing but congratulate him. But then as soon as she returned next to me, she started planning her next attack.
I remember when she had the whole chemo room in laughter because one of the days that she didn't have chemo, she came in and taught all of the younger kids how to plank.

And along with all these times of joy, I deeply remember the tears we shared.

Tears shared over finally understanding what it means to have a Heavenly Father.
Tears shared after the first time we exchanged our stories with each other.
Tears shared as we talked about her fear of the unknown that comes with death, which was followed by tears of joy as I explained to her what it means to live eternally in Heaven in the embrace of the Great Physician.

I had only known her for a few short weeks, but every moment spent with her will be a memory that lasts a lifetime.

I am still left speechless at the power and faithfulness of God. He sent me in to her life at the very moment she needed me most. And in this very painful circumstance, our Lord made it beautiful.

I grieve the loss of my dear beloved friend, but I praise Jesus as He has welcomed her home. I thank God for freely giving us the beautiful gift of salvation and promising us that we are held.

"All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship"


I praise the Lord that "out of chaos, life is being found in You."

Lord, thank you for providing me an 

unexplainable peace in these moments

of tragedy. You are holding Sheraya in

Your arms and that makes my heart 

happy. To You be the glory forever.

Nothing But Bittersweet.

Warning: Long Post! But I would say SO worth the time it takes to read it.

I don't think that I could describe today as any other word but bittersweet.


Once again I feel like my world is spinning and I am experiencing a whirlwind of emotions to go along with it.

I started my day off sitting at Symposium Coffee for awhile, and that was absolute bliss. Sometimes it feels just so good to be in a coffee shop where you don't know anyone. Not only was I able to get some journaling and reading in, I was able to visit with a dear friend before heading out.

Then I headed to a place that I had actually swore to myself I would never go back. Not because I didn't want to, but because I thought I wouldn't ever have to... Counseling. 


I have been thinking about it a lot lately because it is a place that I feel free of burden to just unload everything. But I didn't decide to go until someone asked me if I had thought about it, which in turn just felt like affirmation in my decision to go.

I don't think that it could have gone any better.

I have talked to many people about what I am feeling, but so much came out today that I didn't even know I was thinking! Things that I haven't even expressed in writing. She encouraged me to keep journaling, but also bring my journaling with me when I come. It was just so nice to be able to talk to someone that was not also dealing with the emotions of this journey. She then recommended that I make sure that every morning when I wake up, to finish this sentence:

"Today I am going to be dealing with..."

She said that normally the first emotion that you have when you wake up is something that you will think about all day. That is definitely something that I never thought about. She also encouraged me to try and write out some of my dreams. Not in a "Dream-Analyzing" way, but more so that sometimes those emotions carry over throughout the day.

I don't really know what else to say about this appointment other than I am so glad that I went. And am so excited to have another appointment on Thursday.

I then had the chance to visit some dear friends and that always seems to brighten my day. I love just being able to hang out and talk.

But I don't think there is a thing in the world that would prepare me for what happened next.

In an earlier post, I talked about my friend Sheraya. If you are a new follower of my blog, you should Click Here  so that you know the significance behind the next part of this blog.

After my appointment today, I decided that I would stop by and surprise her! As I said in a previous blog, she wanted me to pray that Jesus come in to her heart. I had went and saw her on Friday, but she was sleeping. Instead of just leaving that day, I grabbed her hand and prayed over her while she was sleeping and then left her a little note. So going in today, I was really excited to get to talk to her.

I made my way in to the hospital being greeted by the faces of many doctors and nurses that I recognized. I was stopped several times while making my way to her room. I finally saw my opening while finishing up a conversation to make it there without being stopped again. I got to the doorway and completely froze.

The bed was made and the whole room was empty.
All that was left in the room was a card.
Addressed to me.

I instantly fell to the floor in tears, card in hand. I heard someone running down the hall towards her room...

Sarah, the nurse that first introduced me to Sheraya, stood at the door. I looked up at her and with no words exchanged, she came over to hug me. All I remember saying over and over was, "It wasn't her time! Why her?!" And Sarah just continued to say, "I know, honey. I know." 


After finally coming to the realization that this wasn't a dream, I slowly pulled away from Sarah's embrace and stared at the card.

Sarah then said, "Haley, I want you to know how much Sheraya admired you. I could always tell when she got a text from you because her face would light up. Believe me when I say that this isn't easy for me either, but know that you saved her life. I have been working on her quite a while now, but God knew what He was doing when He sent you here. There is no doubt in my mind that she is sitting with Jesus right now and that is all because of you."


I found myself unable to open the card knowing that I would have yet another emotional breakdown over the fact that she is gone. I think the thought of just not ever reading it came in to my head, but knowing that she chose to write a letter to me... That thought went quickly out of my head as soon as I even thought it.

I debated whether or not to type the whole thing out on here, but I would rather type it all out than explain over and over to people what she said. So here it is.

"Haley. I lay here in my bed knowing that I am probably not going to make it much longer and having Sarah write out this card for you. I want you to know that I am so sad that I missed you on Friday. I really wanted to pray with you, but Sarah told me that you held my hand and prayed over me. Thank you. I also want you to know that I asked the hospital chaplain to come help me accept Jesus in to my life on Sunday. If you are reading this, I am assuming that you came to the hospital to see me. Please know that you are the reason that I felt at peace these last few days. You are the one who saved me. And in return, I have prayed nothing but that the Lord would fully heal you. That He would bless you more than you could imagine. I am sorry this card is so long, and I know it is probably causing you deep hurt to continue reading this while I am gone, but after all you have done for me I couldn't help but tell you how much of a blessing you are. Like I said before, you are an angel from God, sent to bring me His good news. I lay here wondering what my time in the hospital would have been like had I met you sooner or even if I had just came to know the Lord sooner, but like you said numerous times—the Lord's timing is perfect. I asked Sarah to find a thank you note/poem for you that summed up how I am feeling and this is what she found. I agreed that it was perfect. 
—Thank you for the love
You've shown in many ways
For being such a special friend
Bringing cheer to dismal days
I pray our precious Lord
Would bless you even more
As you keep sharing with gladness
The love of the Lord—
You are the definition of a true friend and a servant of Christ.
I love you, friend.


I sit here in utter despair.
Tears streaming down my face.
Honestly speechless.

I can just picture her... My sweet, beloved friend Sheraya.
Sitting in the loving arms of Jesus, pain free and happy as can be.

Lord, although I don't agree with Your timing

right now, I know that You are holding Sheraya

in Your loving embrace. I want to thank you for 

giving me the opportunity to share Truth with her.

My life is blessed and forever changed because of her.

Loved and Not Alone

Today was an extremely hard day for me. 

From fighting with family to getting sick.... 

Everything just completely started off wrong.

I am just tired. Tired of being sick. Tired of laying around. Tired of hoping and praying for miracles. Tired of feeling like a burden. Tired of not being in a place of peace. Tired of people being afraid to talk to me. Tired of not knowing what I need. 

Tired. Tired. Tired. 

Just give up!—These are the words that are constantly being whispered in to my ear. The enemy is longing for a foothold.

And as tempting as it is, I know that is not an option. 

I know I can uncover more strength to keep fighting.

"I know you're pissed and upset, that totally makes sense, but you're too strong to not fight—get in your basketball mode ;) meanie!"

I received this in an email from a friend, and it made me laugh. I told her that when I played basketball in high school, I used to grab jerseys when the ref couldn't see. And since I was put in the post position for awhile because I was tough, but not tall by any means, my coaches taught me how to make the tall opponent's leg give out without getting called for it if they were posting up on me. 

The way I played basketball was survival mode for me. I was only 5'7 and playing post. If I wanted to win, I had to do whatever it took to make sure I didn't get defeated.

I think that is definitely one way at taking this on. 

But that is definitely not the only way...

I know that a lot of my strength comes from those around me who love me and are walking alongside of me. As long as I remember to "not let the crazies in my head," I think just knowing that I am loved is something that gives me the strength to keep fighting. And I think everyone shows their love differently, and that's okay.

Listening to me vent.

Giving me hugs (which is one of my personal favorites) 

Sending me cards or gifts.

Just wanting to hang out, even if it just means being present.

Cute texts that let me know I am being thought of.

Talking about dog poop because I wanted "normal" conversation. 

Or even subscribing to cancer blogs so they know how to help me.

Being reminded and knowing that I am loved is the thing that I can say has probably made me hold on for so long and what will make me continue to fight. 

So for those of you who always ask "Is there anything I can do?" 

Remind me that I am loved, that I am not alone, that you are on my side, and that I am strong enough to keep fighting.

Don't remind me that everything is going to be alright or that God has a plan for this. Both of which I know are true, but are not words that I find comfort in. 

I also want to encourage people to not be afraid to talk to me because you don't know what to say. I completely understand that, and I am willing to forgive you if you get it wrong. Because honestly—a lot of people have and probably will continue to do so. But please don't be discouraged if I correct you.

I have also found a lot of encouragement through music, so if you don't know what to say but there is a song that you want me to hear, send it to me! I would love to add it to my itunes.

My song of the day has been Strong Enough by Matthew West. 

"Well maybe

Maybe that's the point

To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally

Finally at rock bottom

That's when I start looking up

And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be

Everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up

I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now I'm asking you to be

Strong enough for both of us." 

I know I am not walking this road alone and unloved, and the reminders of that are what make the road much smoother. 

Lord, thank you for the people You   

  have put in my life that want to know how

to love me through this. And I want to pray

that you continue to work in the hearts

of those who have been negative. 

Blessing Rather Than Burden

It's crazy how quickly my life changed within one month.
Well, I would say that it changed a lot quicker than that...
But today marks one month since the word cancer turned my world upside down.

I always wanted to plan ahead. I would always have a plan as to what I would be doing each day. And that has completely changed. I rarely know what I am going to be doing on an hour-to-hour basis because who knows how I will be feeling.

It's funny how much my relationships and conversations with people have changed.
The majority of my incoming texts consist of asking how I am doing.

And I am not complaining about that all, but I just find it interesting that when I am honest about how I am feeling, it's like all of sudden they become.... Uncomfortable.

I am trying not to bottle up ant feelings I have lately because when I do that, I tend to either not be able to sleep at night when my head hits the pillow, or I find myself crying....A lot. I don't think crying is a bad thing at all, but I am not a fan of crying myself to sleep.

That being said... If you ask how I am doing, be ready for an honest answer. Don't make things awkward by only answering, "Oh..." Which surprisingly has happened quite a bit.

Sometimes I wish that conversations could be normal. I wish that I could sit down with friends and talk about how our weeks are going. Talk about TV shows, boys, family, school, etc. But I have found that those conversations sometimes are disheartening when all that I can say is that I have been laying in bed for weeks while watching TV and movies. I just wish things could go back to the way they were!

I hate feeling like I am a burden.

I don't like when people feel like they have to hang out with me.
I don't mind being home alone.
I don't like when people feel like they have to be texting me.
I don't mind my phone not ringing off the hook.
I don't like when people feel like they have to do everything for me.
I don't mind doing things for myself.

I know that there are people who genuinely want to do these things, so don't take this the wrong way. But for those of you who I know have done it out of sympathy, it can sometimes make things harder for me...

I know that I am only a month in to what is going to be a very long journey, but I just can't wait until the day where things return back to normal...

And by normal I just mean that everything doesn't evolve around me being sick.

Lord, I wish things didn't have to change so

drastically within one month. I pray that You

can make me feel like a blessing in people's 

lives, rather than burden. I just want to feel like 

a normal college student. Enjoying summer break,

even in the midst of being sick. Thank you so much

for genuine friends that you have placed in my life.

Praying For Peace Within His Promises

I have had a hard time gathering my thoughts in the midst of more bad news.
My whole life has been trial after trial. Does it ever end?

I found this quote yesterday that I felt somewhat tied a lot of my thoughts up in one.

"Hope does not erase pain. It simply enables us to bear it."

Before I was gripping on to the thread of Christ's presence, but that has changed. 

I feel like I am now dangling from a very thin thread of hope.
And I mean, very thin.


I have found myself completely fearing this unknown future.
I don't know how to get rid of this feeling of absolute helplessness.
I have been overcome by soul-wrenching emotions that I have never felt in my entire life.

Sadness is something that I have thought was not really an emotion I was feeling. I have cried endless amounts of tears, but it never felt like it was out of sadness.

Frustration, maybe?
Bitterness?
Anger?
All of the above?

But even if I don't think that I am sad, that emotion is part of the broken world that we live in. And it has been since the beginning.

"Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint;
heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, LORD, how long?
I am worn out from my groaning
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes."
—Psalm 6:2-3, 6-7.

Though these words may seem dismal, I feel like they have provided me with some form of comfort. It is so applicable to my life right now, and I have found reassurance that these words are not glossing over the pain and suffering I feel.

There are quite a few people that I know, including some of my family, that assume that since I am a Christian, I should be happy all the time. That even when times are rough, I won't feel pain.

There is no where in the Bible that says that we won't live a life of despair. The Bible displays hurting people. People who cry out for help and are not afraid to show emotion.

God does not want us to pretend.
He knows that we won't ever have it all together.
The only thing that He looks for is for us to come to Him.

He hears. He listens. He cares.

"The LORD has heard my weeping.
The LORD has heard my my cry for mercy;
The LORD accepts my prayer."
—Psalm 6:8-9.

No matter how bad things get, God's love does not fail us.
He keeps His promises.

He is here.
Right next to me.
Holding me in His loving embrace.
Giving me strength to face each new day.

I am praying that I will soon come to a place of peace within those promises of His again. And with the help of others, I do believe that I can....

Eventually.

Lord, I want to thank You for the people You

have put in my life that allow me to show my

emotions and encourage me to talk. I pray that 

You continue to give me the strength to make it 

through each day knowing that You are always near.

I Have Faith, Despite My Anger.

I was not feeling well today and spent a lot of time journaling this morning and afternoon. 

Which in turn, always brings up a lot of emotion.

I spent the day trying to figure out what I am really feeling on the inside without rushing to my knowledge that Christ is present.

There were so many things I felt like doing.

Yell.
Complain.
Vent.
Throw a fit.
Cry.
Question.

I mean, what is stopping me? Nothing.
Will people think that I don't trust Jesus because I am angry? No.
Do I fear letting those raw emotions be seen? That's what it seems like.


I have been encouraged by many to show my emotion, yet I continue to hold back.
God is questioned in the Bible, yet I have a hard time doing so.

"Why, Lord, for you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" Psalm 10:1.


I don't think I have quite wrapped my head around the fact that it is possible to think that life sucks and that God is good. I do not need to rush through the pain and suffering to demonstrate that I have faith. 


I was reading another blog today that talked about a lady who lost her daughter in a car accident at age seven. She said, "I knew that if God was really God, His chest was big enough for me to pound on."

How could it get any truer than that?!

I can just imagine getting close enough to pound on God's chest while having a crying fit, yet all He does is reach down and embrace me in His arms with love.

As a Christian, I am told to recount the good deeds of God. To tell stories of his faithfulness and the times in which I have been redeemed. But what I need to realize is that those stories fully include the times when I was angry and questioned God.

I am able to show my true feelings without fear that He will ever leave my side.

I don't have a happy ending to my story yet, but I am able to say that God has definitely been here in the midst of these troubling times. No matter what. 

Lord, here I am. Once again. 

Angry and questioning.

I just want this suffering to end. 

I want to be in a safe harbor in my life 

and it feels like that is not near.

Help me to understand that it is

okay to show my emotions. That it is

possible to be in the midst of Life Sucking,

and know that You are still good through it all. 

Friendship In An Unlikely Place

I met a wonderful new friend a couple weeks ago. Her name is Sheraya and she is 20 years old. She has been battling leukemia for 3 years now and has a heart of gold.

She grew up in the foster care system because when she was young, her mom died and her dad went to prison. She explained to me how she bounced around from home to home because she rarely got along with her foster parents. She was with her last family for 3 years. She was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 17 and was very functional the first couple of years.

As soon as she graduated from high school, she moved out of the house. She said that her foster parents were always just fighting about Sheraya being sick and she was fed up with being in the middle of it. She was soon admitted in to the hospital after she moved out and has been there ever since.

But the thing about Sheraya that inspires me is her courage and strength. She has absolutely no one but the hospital staff supporting her. Her foster families don't support her and she never really had any close friends in high school, so she has been doing this alone.

 She is getting sicker and sicker every day, and not expected to make it another year.

And on top of that... She doesn't know the Lord!

That girl is amazing. I don't know how she does it. She has an unexplainable strength within herself that is far beyond what I could ever imagine. I mean, I have a huge support system AND I know the Lord... And I still have a hard time fighting.

She was pretty open to talking about God which I thought was super awesome, but as soon as I said Heavenly Father, she got really disinterested. Almost the same exact face that I used to get when people referred to Him as my father. I understand the negative connotation with that and I loved diving down deeper with her in to what it means to have the Lord as our Heavenly Father.

She started becoming more interested in learning about my life, so I was completely open with her. I told her my story and how I came to know the Lord.

She looked at me with a confused face and said, "How could you possibly believe that there is a 'Heavenly Father' who loves you when you have experienced so much pain and suffering throughout your life?"

This is a question that I have been asked several times, but I still don't think I have a perfected answer. I believe that I serve a God whose goodness is beyond comparable to anything within this lifetime. I believe that even if I continue to be dealt a crappy hand, I serve a God who has a vision for me to be in a safe place. God is good and He has never left my side. Sheraya really brought to my attention how deep my roots are set in Christ.

Ever since I met her, I have really wanted to figure out what it is that is holding her back from building a relationship with God. When I went to visit her last I brought a bouquet of flowers, a card that I completely filled with my hopes for her, and a little business card that said this:

"This Prayer Changed My Life:
Dear Lord Jesus, I know I have sinned and done wrong, please forgive me of my sin and give me eternal life. I now trust You Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior. Help me to have a growing relationship with You, and to become the Christian person You want me to be. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen."


I didn't hear back from her for a long time and I was worried that she may have been turned off in some way by the long really long card that I wrote out, but I finally got a text from her today!

This is her text word for word:

"Hey Haley! Sorry it has been so long since we have spoken. Not only have I been really sick lately, but I have been so stuck on trying to figure out who God really is. The nurses gave me one of those pocket Bibles that have Psalms, Proverbs, and the New Testament in it. I now completely understand how you have found so much strength in Him. I wanted to thank you so much for your card and especially the little business card that had the prayer on it. But I do have one request from you... I want you to be the one that is with me when I give my life to Christ. You are such an inspiration and a true angel from God."


OH MY GOSH! I started crying when I got this text!
I can't wait to get together with Sheraya next!

God has a way of bringing people together even amidst pain and suffering. And because of that, I was able to help lead someone to Him.

Lord, I want to thank You for this opportunity

to speak truth in to the lives of others. For this 

opportunity to let Your light shine through me 

even amidst the worst of circumstances. I don't

know what this time with Sheraya will be like 

when I see her next, but I pray that you completely

bless our next time together in way 

that will completely glorify You.