Be Courageous

Almost all girls grow up dreaming of the day they are gonna get married.

What is our dress going to look like?
What color will our shoes be?
Who will our bridesmaids be?
Will I get married in Hawaii?

But as children, we tend to leave the major detail.....
Who am I going to get married to?


Now that I am in college, the question that always casually gets brought up upon returning home on any visit is, "So are there any boys?" It's quite funny because I would love to say that I have that "one guy." But the truth is... I am so picky! I mean, that really isn't a horrible thing, but sometimes I feel like talking about that question would be so much easier if I could say yes and then get to explain to the questioner about the guy I am interested in.

Something that I think that really tears me up is that I continuously think that I have something to prove. In previous posts, I have talked about how I am not a statistic. I am not part of the 85% of teens with a behavioral disorder that came from a fatherless home. I am not part of the 71% that drops out of high school that came from a fatherless home. I don't have to prove that I am not a statistic because I know I am not. And God is the only person who can judge that.

But what I can do is make sure to marry someone who I know will not even give my children any kind of opportunity to become one of those statistics. I have the ability to marry the man who will be the father that our children need. Tonight, I watched the movie Courageous for the first time and it is amazing. This movie ends with a father standing in front of the church, giving this speech:


"There are some men who, regardless of the mistakes we've made in the past, regardless of what our fathers did not do for us, will give the strength of our arms and the rest of our days to loving God with all that we are and to teach our children to do the same—and whenever possible, to love and mentor others who have no father in their lives but who desperately need help and direction. And we are inviting any man whose heart is willing and courageous to join us in this resolution. God's Word shows is that God desires for every father to be courageous and step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of his children. More than just being there for them for providing for them, he is to walk with them through their young lives and be a visual representation of the character of God, their Father in Heaven. Who will accept the responsibility of providing and protecting my family? Who will ask God to break the chain of destructive patterns in my family? Who will pray for, and bless my children to boldly pursue whatever God calls them to do? In my home, the decision has already been made. You don't have to ask who will guide my family because, by God's grace, I will. You don't have to ask who will teach my son to follow Christ because I will.
So where are you, men of courage? Where are you, fathers who fear the Lord? It's time to rise up and answer the call God has given you and say, I will! I will! I WILL!"


This movie has really encouraged me to stop trying to prove anything.
This movie has truly shown me that being picky in what I want in a man is probably the most wise thing you can do because in the end, we are the parents that will influence the next generation.

I want a man that is willing to take a stand a be a true father.
I want a man that is willing to Be Courageous.

Lord, I want to thank you for being

my true Heavenly Father. With you—I

don't need to prove anything. I pray that

you give me the patience to wait and not

settle for less than what You want for me.  

God With Us

Man, I have just felt like writing lately! It's just that God is so good that I can't help but share!

This morning was probably the 3rd time I have went to Sunday church since I have been in Newberg this semester. I have gone home and went to Calvary a couple times, but I just haven't been here that much at all. And it's funny the excuses I come up with. Honestly, I did work Sunday mornings for the longest time—so there wasn't really a way out of that one. But when I started working Sunday nights, I still always had a reason not to get up in the morning. This morning was different though. I felt compelled to go. I got up at 8am. Went on a run. Came home. Got ready. And went to the 11am service at Newberg Foursquare.

And this morning was JUST what I needed to hear. Isn't it amazing how God works?
Today we talked about "God With Us. Discovering How God Relates To Us"

The problem is sin. 


Instead of with God, we live in a place called shame.
When I had coffee with Melanie the other day, the word shame came up. She simply asked if that was something I felt. And I clearly remember saying, "I think I am past the shame part of it..."

But in reality... I tried to think of how I do feel about my past. And shame is honestly the only word that comes to mind. It's hard not to be shameful of things that I've done. Shame dates back to Adam and Eve when sin first entered this world.
Genesis 3:10—"He answered, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." 
Even though God knows what happened, we live in this world where all of our effort goes to figuring out how we can hide what we've done. I can honestly say that I have lived my life to hide my past from everyone else. I show the "put together" side of me, day in and day out.

Instead of with God, we live in a place called denial. 
Think back to all of the times where you have taken your sin and tried to put the blame on something other than yourself. I do it all the time! Why did you go to that party, Haley—Well SHE said that it would be fun and the cool thing to do! This denial also dates back to Adam and Eve.
Genesis 3:12-13—"The man said, "The woman, you put here with me—She gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it." Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, so I ate."
Adam blames God. Eve blames the serpent. Denial happens all the time. I can even remember back in high school when my PE teacher asked me if the "rumors were true" and I was quick to say, "Do you believe everything you hear? No they're not true." But of course—They definitely were.

Instead of with God, we live in a place called separation.
Separation. This is probably the hardest part of this cycle. I'm sure at one point in your life you have heard or said, "I've got to get back to God." But the truth is, we can't get back to God—Only Jesus can get us there. And once again, this dates back to the Garden of Eden.
Genesis 3:23-24, "So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life."
That tree of life is something we all constantly strive to get to. We want eternal life in heaven. But that flaming sword, the sin in our life, separates us from that.

The answer is Jesus.


Jesus came to deal with our sin.
The first step that we need to realize is that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. As long as we ask for forgiveness, we should not have shame for our sins. He carried that to the cross with him.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19, "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that God was reconciling the world himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation." 
God does not count our sins against us!

Jesus came to bring us back to God.
I think sometimes we forget that Jesus died for our sins so that we wouldn't have to. He was the ULTIMATE sacrifice. "For God so loved the world..." I think you know the rest of that one!
1 Peter 3:18, "For Christ died for our sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body, but made alive in the Spirit."
Christ died for us so that we could go back to God. Only through Jesus can we get there.

Jesus came to reunite us with God.
Once we realize that Jesus died for our sin and our shame, that is when we can truly live. That is when we can be reunited with Our King, the Lord God Almighty.
Colossians 1:19-22, "For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."
We are HOLY in his sight. WITHOUT blames. FREE from accusation.

The problem is sin. The answer is Jesus.

I think that shame is something that I will always struggle with, but to know that Christ died for that is simply amazing. He died so that we could be reunited with God and be able to get past that flaming sword to the Tree of Life.

Lord, thank you for giving us an 

answer to our sin. Without that, we

would be lost in a world of shame, 

denial, and separation. I pray that You 

continue to guide me through this life 

without having to deal with my shame.

Blessed Beyond Belief

It is probably one of the greatest feelings in life when you have experiences that you just know that it is God sitting by your side.

Lately I have been in this slump where I feel like things just haven't really been going my way. My grades aren't as good as I would like them, I am really struggling financially, I am not having a year where I feel included in the "George Fox Community" because I am living off campus, I am just getting over a nasty flu, and I am homesick more than I thought I would ever be.

But today has just been a HUGE blessing to me all around. It's one of those days that makes me realize that God really deserves so much more. I mean, I truly thank God for who I am today and I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Him, but how is it fair to Him that every time something bad goes wrong—I turn to Him and blame Him. In my last post I talked about how sometimes we think life should be fair because God is fair. But God is not life. God IS fair. But when things in life go wrong, by no means was it God trying to make "life unfair." God deserves so much more of me.

Today's Blessings:

• I have had a really nasty flu the last couple of weeks and today I woke up feeling better! I mean I am definitely not AMAZING, but I am not throwing up everywhere anymore.
• I had a coffee date with Melanie Hulbert and it was... simply wonderful. (Coffee wasn't an amazing choice after just getting over the flu, but it was great nonetheless.) Having coffee with Melanie reminded me of a quote I heard in a movie in my Social Work class the other day. "To be listened to and understood by someone who doesn't necessarily have to care...That's true comfort." Melanie genuinely wanted to know my story. And it was a blessing that I was able to share it.
• Today I got mail in my campus mail box and I still do not know the sender. What it had in it was a Bible verse and $200 cash. The front said "Haley Bellows #4777" and that was it. When I opened this, I teared up. I am SUPER struggling financially right now. My hours got cut at work, I can't find a second job, and I am behind on rent. And on top of that—My classes for Spring Semester got dropped because I have a financial hold on my account that has to be paid off by January 9th. This is probably one of the biggest blessings I have ever received and I FOREVER thankful for whoever did this. 
• I applied for a Serve Trip recently and received an interview for it! The chance to go over seas is something that I have been praying about for A LONG time and would be an answer to my prayers. I know that God closes doors just as fast as He opens them, so I know that if I don't make it–He has bigger and better plans for me. Interview is tomorrow at 11 and I will know by next week sometime if I made the team or not!
• And just an ending note to me being homesick—FINALS ARE ALMOST HERE! As much as those stress me out–I am ready for this semester to be over. =)

This verse is one that I have held on to for a long time. My junior year, after some huge things happened in my life, I went to the winter retreat. I took a 2 hour walk in the woods with Chrissy Shelton and that is a walk that changed my life. That night in the cabin–She hopped onto my bed and showed me this verse. And this just so happened to be the verse that was in the anonymous envelope in my mail today too.

"And we that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."—Romans 8:28

Also included on my note was: "God is might...keep working, seeking, smiling, and believing!"

Lord, You are so good.

Thank You for showing Yourself in

a way that I could never deny You.

You make all things work together 

for my good and I am forever thankful

to have such a protective God.

A Challenge To Myself

"We tend to think, "Life should be fair because God is fair." But God is not life. And if I confuse God with the physical reality of life—then I set myself up for crashing disappointment." 
Philip Yancey; Disappointment With God.

I have been reading this book lately because I feel like I have some anger that is built up in me. Although I know that anger is an emotion that is prevalent in everyone's lives... It just seems as if the social norm here at Fox is to keep that type of emotion hidden. It's not every day that I see someone expressing their anger in any way. At Fox, it seems as if anger is like a deep dark secret.

Lately I have found myself in great conversation with so many people. I have had several people open up to me with their life story and although I find it a complete blessing to be able to listen how amazing God truly is... I find myself slowly building up little bits of anger towards God. I have found myself wondering why I was the one God chose to go through certain things. And I truly do hate getting these feelings, but I don't know how to stop it.

I wouldn't say that I am blessed to have gone through what I have, but I would say that I am somewhat okay with coming from a different side of the path than a lot of people here.. Most of the people I have talked to, they are openly opinionated about those who have drank or done anything adulterous in the past. So when sitting there talking to these people, how am I able to open up with my testimony now knowing how they feel about things that I have done?

Coming to Fox is honestly the best decision I have ever made, but I never realized how hard it would be to truly be myself. I want to be able to be completely open with people about my life because I have grown to not be completely ashamed of my past. I know that the Lord has forgiven me for those things, but I don't want to be criticized by others so instead I choose to let people see the "put together" side of me rather than the broken side.

And this is where the quote from Disappointment with God comes in. I just wish that life could be fair! I am constantly setting myself up to be disappointed because I always have that little bit of hope that since I have gone through so many trials, God will be gracious to me and let me have at least a couple easy months here and there. I just can't help but be jealous of those who come from a Christian home. Is it bad that I just want to meet someone that has as broken as a background as me so that I know I am not alone in this place?

Last night we had a Women's Ministry Night here at Fox and it was absolutely wonderful. Melanie Hulbert shared her story and the group had an amazing night of worship together. There is just something about bringing things out of darkness and into the light.

Something that I am continuing to challenge myself to do is to be thankful of the trials I have gone through because (not trying to give the cliche answer here) I truly would not be who I am today without these trials. I am challenging myself to be open. I have opened up to a couple people here and there, and even doing that has been outside of my comfort zone. So I am challenging myself to not necessarily be completely transparent, but to not be afraid to share my story just because of what other people might think.

Lord, I don't think I thank You enough

for the many blessings You have 

provided me with in my life. 

You are the one who controls my life

and I am learning to be okay with going

 through whatever You throw my way. 

Walls.

My friend, Robert Hall, from school wrote this on his tumbler and I couldn't help but share it. 

Simply amazing.

"For some reason we like to tell guarded people to "let their walls down" as if to say that by putting up walls they are becoming totally inwardly-focused creatures, inhuman in their supposed solitude. We encourage them to "let other people in" as an alternative to have walls. But what would they be letting people in to if they didn't keep their walls up? Walls are what define rooms, rooms which we use to protect those things that are dear to us: memories, regrets, dreams, burdens... We keep these in basements and attics and closets, places that, without walls, wouldn't be of much use. So aren't walls a good thing? If there are room, defined spaces, people can invite other people in, and there, with those walls around them, they will find joy, freedom, innocence, belonging, and more. SOmetimes they'll uncover wounds, feel shame, shed tears, scream profanities, and collapse in anguish. But right there with them will be a friend, a brother, a mentor, a peer, a student. We all need walls in our lives, boundaries that protect us but more importantly give us the opportunity to actively invite people in for a glimpse of our hearts. I would venture to say that walls are perfectly acceptable. Just make sure to build a door."

I honestly could not have said this better myself. I don't think I could count how many people told me in my past to take my walls down. And up until reading this, I have always tried to make sure I am not building walls. But Robert helped me to realize that having walls are obviously not a bad thing. But rather a blessing to let people into our hearts.

Everyone has a story. And in my case, I have preferred to keep certain bits and pieces of my story locked inside a room. With Robert's description, it gives me a picture of my walk with God and in a sense "buying a new house." So for the sake of this blog, my new house is my life. And when I buy it is equivalent to when I first experienced God in my life. I have realized that having those walls up in my life have helped me become who I am today. 

So when I first bought my house, it was in a neighborhood that I didn't know anyone. I was uncomfortable. I was afraid to show anyone this house because it was a black hole. It had spiderwebs, cracks in the walls, and was a complete cluttered mess. I honestly didn't know where to start in the cleaning process. The people that lived around me tried to help me clean up, but I refused to let them help. I wanted to do it on my own. I think at this point in my life, I was very stubborn. I was going to be a sophomore in high school. Instead of trying to clean it out completely room by room, I tried to scoot everything to the side and clean up half of the room. But little did I know that when I almost got it clean, the stuff shoved to the side would collapse all over the room again.

In reality, this is probably what my house looked like when I first bought it.

 

Big mess. Spiderwebs. Cluttered. And probably unsafe.

At this point I just decided that it wasn't worth it. I was just going to live in a messed up house and deal with it. I would clean out a little bit about once a week, but hardly enough to ever get it clean at all. When I left my house, I would not speak about where I lived. I would just be in the moment and have fun with my neighbors. I got to know my neighbors, but when they asked to come to my house—I would stray away from the question or I would say maybe another time when I am feeling up to it.

But one day after a long time of making my house even messier, a storm came through and literally shredded my house to pieces. It was complete chaos and I didn't even know who to go to for help. But I knew that I couldn't clean this up on my on anymore. I needed something more than myself to pick up after this. So I eventually asked a couple people where to start. My first step was to show them my house. I showed them the whole thing. Every inch of every room. I had nothing to hide anymore. But the second they saw my house, they started helping me clean right away. My house began to straighten up and I decided not to live in a mess anymore. On July 24th, 2009—My house was finally complete. 

Something that most people don't know about is that when that storm came through, there was one room in my house that I left in reminder of that. It is locked away and not talked about at all. Although that room is a blessing in many ways, it is still a mess in the progress of fully being cleaned.

And that room is what I think about every time someone tells to me to take my walls down. That room has a door. And I have opened that door to many people before, but only when I have fully trusted them to look inside this room.

When I read Robert's post about the walls—It explained my life perfectly.

When I first was introduced to God, I was going to be a sophomore in high school and at first I was in a very uncomfortable territory. I did not let anyone know anything about my past in fear of being judged. And through the rest of my sophomore year and a third of the way into my junior year, I would spontaneously go to youth group, but at the same time continued to go out with friends. Party. Do what I thought was "fun and cool."

But then a third of the way through my junior year is when that "storm" hit. I opened up to my small group leaders about everything. I told them every bit of my life and from then on, they did nothing but help me straighten up my life. And on July 24th, 2009—I was baptized. My life was changed. I still have that room in my house that has a locked door, but to say the least—IT HAS A DOOR. And there have been many people in my life that I have let into that room, and I am completely blessed that they have been able to help me with the continuous cleaning of that room. 

Thank you Robert for helping me to realize that walls are not such a bad thing!

Lord, thank you for those who have helped

me clean my room behind locked doors.

Thank you for your forgiveness and grace.

Thank you for the opportunity to allow

 people to take a glimpse of my heart

I am forever grateful. =)

Who Am I?

In class the other day, we were given a piece of paper that was like a little idea web.
In the middle we were to put our name and then there were 4 bubbles that we were supposed to fill in with words that we thought were part of our identity. Part of who we are.

I had a hard time with this one... But after a while I came up with the words
Daughter. Athlete. Christian. Leader.


Then we were told to tell a story about one of these identifiers that made us proud to say that we were one of them. I used the word athlete. I said that I was proud to be an athlete because it made me a disciplined person. Being an athlete was my escape from anything and everything bad that was going on outside my life of sports. I was proud to say that I was an athlete when I got awards such as Most Athletic, Most Valuable Player, Best Defense, Best Offense, Most Inspirational, etc.

Then we were to take that same word and explain how it was painful to identify ourselves as that. So using the word athlete, I tried to think about how it was painful to be known as this. I guess for me it was just hard in high school to be known as an athlete because that's who everyone saw me as. Everyone thought that that was my whole life and what was important to me. I hate being called a "beast." I may good at sports, but I hated being told that I was masculine. I am not trying to brag, but I was one of the better female athletes at Kalama High School, but that didn't mean I liked only being identified with sports.

Then our professor asked us the question, "Well who are you?" Then after a long, completely silent pause, she started talking about how she knows that deep down in side of us all, we all have the same core. Everyone kind of looked around with a questioned look and our professor said,

"At our very core... We are ALL the Beloved of Christ. But what are you BEYOND that? Outside being Beloved,  who are you?"

This question became surprisingly very hard to answer. She talked about how Sarah Baldwin first asked her this question and how it took her forever to figure out who she is. She said that Sarah called herself a midwife. Although a midwife is most commonly known as someone who helps birth babies, it is also known as someone who assists in the bringing about. She describes herself as this because she helps people bring something great out of their soul. She helps birth, or bring forth, the Belovedness of someone.

Melanie Hulbert, the professor, then talked about how she realized that she is a gardner. She believes that she is a very anticipatory person. She anticipates the results of what is happening. She helps nurture things into bring great results.

Listening to these stories made me think SO much about who I am. I don't think I have an identifier for myself. I am Haley Rene' Bellows. Outside of that and the Beloved of Christ, I'm clueless. I find it SO hard to figure out who God has called me to be.

This is a question that I can already tell is going to be a tough one to figure out.

Who Am I?

Lord, I am Your Beloved.

But who am I beyond that?

Help me to find out who I am

within this kingdom of Yours.

Drained.

For my Life of Christ class, we were given Soul Training Exercises to do weekly and journal about them. This week's exercise was:

"Take a facebook/texting/internet fast this wee for a specific time period—at least 8 waking hours. See if you are able to commit to longer. How hard was this for you? WHat kind of faults things does media immersion teach you? How did your spirit respond to being away from technological connection for a day? Journal"

This is my journal entry for this exercise, and is exactly how I am feeling right now.

I think this media fast just brought out a lot of emotion from me. I did it from 3-11pm and even though it was only 8 hours… I feel like it was EXTREMELY hard. I feel like I definitely got a lot done, homework wise. I did a lot of reading and just sitting around. It was weird to not be on my laptop though. Whether it be for doing homework, getting on facebook, skyping with friends/family, watching TV episodes… Everything was hard. It was really tempting to pick up my laptop when I finished an essay or when I got bored with a book. It’s crazy to me how much time I do spend on my phone or computer. I have always heard the saying, “What if instead of being on facebook, you read your Bible? How much do you think you would know?” And through this fast, I realized that I would be VERY knowledgeable biblically if I spent my time in the Word rather than online.

I truly believe that the hardest thing for me was that I wasn’t in constant contact with everyone. When I was taking a break from homework at one point, I found myself in tears. And completely helpless at the time too. Just sitting in my room, home alone, with no technological connection to people… It made me super emotional. It got me thinking about how stressful this year is going to be and how I am not going to have like any time to visit anyone. I will be working 24 hours a week at Farm to Fork in Dundee, taking 17 credits this semester and 16 next semester, and with all the time I will have to be studying… I feel like all year I am going to be COMPLETELY stressed and tired. I cried because I felt like I had nothing else to do. Just last night I was in tears laying in my bed, clutching my baby blanket and Braveheart Care Bear that my Nana got me for my 3^rd birthday (gosh I miss her SO much), and saying to myself, “I wish this wasn’t going to be so hard. I just want to quit and go home.” I found myself missing my family, friends back home, and all my church family and friends more than ever.

I think it’s insane that this media fast is what had me in tears. I guess when I have all the time in the world to sit and think, everything surfaces. Media immersion has completely blocked out the things I have been feeling inside. I get so caught up in reading the latest “statuses” or worrying about how many points my next Words with Friends word will get me, that I don’t ever think about what I really feel like. I think I truly do need to stray away from how much I am connected to the media in order to keep my emotions in check. I feel like if I continue to keep my emotions bottled up inside I may have a very unpleasant breakdown at some point. Or I just need to start journaling no matter what. Because I feel like if don't express myself healthily, I really feel like I am just going to have to attitude of wanting to give up all the time. Lord, I just want to take the time to pray that you continue to give me the strength to make it through each day. Amen.

Rhythm.

rhythmNoun/ˈriT͟Həm

1. A strong, regular, repeated pattern of movement or sound.

2. The systematic arrangement of musical sounds, principally according to duration and periodic stress.

As a college student, I think this is THE hardest thing to find. We are in a stage in our life where there is constant change. At least I feel like I am. I can never find that "repeated pattern of movement," although I find myself trying to gain it every day. 

I go from having an amazing summer living at the Campbell's residence and working a set schedule to living off campus in an apartment with a friend, attending full time at George Fox, and trying to fit work into that schedule because I have to pay rent. SO HARD! I find myself stressing every day about how much homework I have, how little sleep I get, how I don't get to do anything fun, and I haven't even started my job yet!

I feel like college is always constant change... 

• Move in as freshman.
• Start fall semester classes.
• Leave school for a month for winter beak
• Completely different spring semester classes.
• Go home for the summer and lost the school mindset.
• Move back in to a completely different place on or off campus.
• Start different classes once again.
• And repeat all of this chaos for years...

Don't doubt me that my time at Fox has been more than I could ever ask for... But why does it have to be so stressful. I actually did a survey for one of my classes last year and asked the question, "If you could define college in one word, what word would you use?" 71 out of 100 people used the word stress or stressful. I feel like it shouldn't be that way.

Isn't funny that the definition of rhythm even has the word stress in it? I mean, I know it's not saying that literally saying "periodic stress," but that is the way I took it! If you combine the two definitions and mix it up a little you can create the definition: "A strong, regular, repeated pattern of movement, principally according to periodic stress." Now THAT is more like the definition of rhythm. 

Something that I have had a hard time doing lately though is asking the Lord to guide me through it. How can I sit here and complain about how I can't find a rhythm, when I have yet to open my Bible or even pray for God to help me overcome this stage. Instead, I feel like I have let Satan get a foothold on my heart and tug me away. I find myself lately saying, "I'll pray for you." But only saying it because it is the right thing, and not actually doing it. 

I want this "funk" to end.

So Lord, I am asking you right now.

I am asking that you help me get out 

of this foothold and back into Your

arms. I ask that You help me find a 

rhythm that is in the same pattern

as Yours. I pray that You help me be

intentional in the things I say and do.

I pray that You help me get out of this

funk. I trust that You will be there. 

God is All-Powerful

Realize you can't. Realize HE can. 

These are words spoken by Phil Comer in chapel today. (And reposted on Facebook by my friend that made me think more into it)

These are words that sometimes seem as if they are an easy action to do- Realizing that He can do all things.

Sometimes I forget that He is the God of my life and want things my way, or without His help. But who doesn't do that, right? 

Our God is a God who can help us with anything.

"O Sovereign Lord! You have made the heavens and earth by Your great power. Nothing is too hard for you! (Jeremiah 32:17).

Our amazing God is capable of doing anything-as long as it does not violate any of His other attributes. No task is too big for Him. He never fails. And He is never tired, frustrated, or discouraged.

Yet our all-powerful Creator cares for us? He cares for us even though we do fail, and even though we always seem to be getting tired, frustrated, and discouraged. He longs to exhibit His power in our lives.

David writes, "When I look at the night sky and see the work of Your fingers-the moon and the stars You have set in place- what are mortals that You should think of us, mere humans that You should care for us? (Psalm 8:3,4).

Isn't it amazing that no matter what we are facing, God can help us? Nothing is too hard for Him. No need is to great for Him to meet. No problem is too complicated for Him to solve. No enemy is too strong for Him to conquer. No prayer is too difficult for Him to answer. 

The Bible promises, "By His mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope" (Ephesians 3:20).

If our hearts and motives are pure and we truly seek to do God's will, then why is it so hard to know and understand that there is nothing too difficult for us if we depend on His strength? 

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13).

Lord, You are all-powerful.

Help me to realize that YOU can

and that I can't. You are the Lord

of my life, and I need to start treating

You that way. Help me be obedient to You.

Love is Not a Game

I got this book for graduation call "His Princess. Letters from Your King."
I absolutely LOVE it! It is basically a book full of letter written to me from God. Each one is a love letter from Him telling me in different ways that I am His princess and He loves me.

The letter I read today says...

My Princess... Love is not a game.
Listen to Me, My princess. Love is not a game—it is a gift. I know there are those who don't sincerely care for your heart, but I say that your heart is priceless. Reflect on your relationships, My royal one. Who are you allowing into your private world? Do they draw you closer to Me, or do they weaken your faith in Me and draw you away? I gave My life so you could be free. I don't want you to play "relational games" to get the approval of people. If you choose to play these games, you will miss out on all I have for you. I am your Father, and I know what's right for My Daughter. Hold on to Me and let go of those who harm you. Then you'll be free from their power, and you'll be wise enough to see what a real, lasting relationship is meant to be. Love, You King who bought you.

You are not your own;

you were bought at a price.

Therefore honor God with your body.

*1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I could not have needed this letter at a more perfect time. I have been reminded so much lately how God truly does have a plan for our lives and how He knows who we are going to marry. I have been reflecting so much on my past relationships, and how none of them were healthy, and it makes me know how that is not what I want anymore. I want a guy that relates with me. A guy who I get a long with well and has a true heart for God. And I know God provides, so I am waiting on His time for this.

Sometimes I feel like George Fox has such a huge standard for finding your "soulmate" while you are attending there. And maybe that is the case for me... Maybe not. Everyone seems to be trying too hard to find someone to be with. I am just being myself. Hanging out. Having Coffee. Talking. It's all fun to me. 

Lord, help me to realize that You have 

perfect timing. You put people into my life

exactly when You want to. Help me to be 

patient when it comes to my love life. 

You know who I am supposed to be

with and I trust You with that. 

God's Coffee

I read this today and I absolutely love it.

Had to share it. =) 

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite telling them to help themselves to the coffee. When the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...And, then you began eyeing each others cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us. God brews the coffee, not the cups...So, Enjoy your coffee!

The happiest people don't have the best of everything,

They just make the best of everything.

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

Patience and Strength

So much has happened since my last blog... I don't even know where to start.
I am officially moved back to Kalama. Living with the Campbells and loving it. I am completely blessed to be where I am at in life right now, but at the same time I am having such trouble.

I have a HUGE heart for people who are hurting. I really do. And it just comes naturally to me. I am very compassionate in the things others are going through. And ESPECIALLY when it is something that I personally went through, and I know how much it hurts. I know the feeling ALL too well and it is hard not to respond.

But I am emotionally drained. My heart is starting to get hardened because I feel so unworthy of helping people when I have unneeded frustration toward the topic. I am really struggling with patience right now and I think this is something I really need to FULLY give to the Lord. I have tried. And tried and tried and tried.

I think this may be my emotional and physical exhaustion speaking too, but I do know these are feelings I have on a regular basis.

But in all honesty, I am left speechless. This is such a short blog, but I have nothing to say anymore.

Lord, please control these circumstances.

Give me the patience to make it through.

I need to wisdom of what to say, and when 

to say it. I need boundaries.

Guide me Lord.

I really need You and Your strength.

I feel like my own strength is dwindling away.

Summer Thinking.

It's crazy to think that it is only June 1st and I have already been on summer break for a month.

I have never, in my whole life, had a summer break this long! It is so great, but seems to be such a stressful thing at the same time...

During the last month of school, my summer plans changed an uncountable amount of time. I applied to be an intern at my church and didn't get it. Which doesn't bother me at all surprisingly. So I talked to my friend Charis about jobs. It seemed like this conversation went on for DAYS.

I finally decided that I was going go up to Alaska for the summer and work at a lodge owned by one of my friends parents from Fox. It seemed like such a great idea. I would get to experience something completely new. I would be getting paid really well and because the lodge was in the middle of no where, I wouldn't have anywhere to spend the money I was making. That was a huge plus for me because I need to save all the money I can get to pay off my last semester at Fox and then for rent next year in an apartment. But then I got to thinking about how homesick I would get. Or what if I didn't like working at this lodge... What would I do then? Buy another plane ticket home in hopes that I could find another job? That wasn't going to work out...

Then my Aunt Jody called me. She told me that this diner in town was looking to hire for the summer and that I would be getting a ton of hours. That excited me A TON. My whole dad's side of the family lives down in Eugene/Springfield area and I would be working only 10 minutes south. I haven't spent more than a week or two down there at a time, so I would be able to hang out with my family more than I ever have. This turned out to be what I chose for the summer. I moved down to Creswell with my aunt and uncle. I love them to death and I really love being able to live close to that side of the family... Then comes the downside. I started working, and am receiving barely any hours. It is June 1st right now and in the past 2 weeks I worked MAYBE a total of 20 hours... I need way more than that. I need the money.

So here I am now. Sitting at Intermission Coffeehouse in Longview thinking of what to do. I love living down there, I really do. But when I am not working (which is most of the time) I seem to be sitting on the couch watching TV, playing on my computer, or reading a book. And to not live near any of my friends, it really kills me. I am 2 1/2 hours away from everyone I know and love. 

I was up at one of my high school teacher's house Tuesday night for dinner and they are so great. They talked to me forever about how many jobs I could find around here. And once again... My mind starts spinning thinking about all the options that I have. And I honestly think I would be so much happier to just move back up here.

So today, I applied at Children Around the World, a daycare in Kalama, and also the Rebel Truck Stop in Kalama because the manager handed me an application saying that he is looking for summer help. And then as I was walking out the door, he was discussing my application with his wife. The last words I heard as I walked out the door was, "Oooo George Fox! She's a keeper! That's a great school!" And that makes me smile. I would LOVE to move back here.

 Before I was so set on staying and living in Creswell because I have already moved in, my uncle and aunt are used to me living there, and they have also already bought me furniture for my apartment next year. I feel like I would break their hearts if I told them I am moving back home, but at the same time I think they would understand if I got a job back home that it would be in my best interest to move back...

So here I am. Once again dumbfounded on what to do. I mean, I think I have been so wrapped up in what I want to do, that I haven't taken the time to pray about it... Then today it hit me when I heard this song in the car. 

Are you in over your head

Are you in water so deep you're drowning

Do you think you've been left

And there is no one to feel your hurting

Well, everybody has been there

And everybody's felt lost. 

If you're in over your head

Lift it up, lift it up.

Oh, listen to the sound of hope that's rising

Up over your horizon

Listen to the sound, listen to the sound

And listen to the sound of a new beginning

Oh, this is where the old is ending

Listen to the sound, listen to the sound.

*Building 429- Listen to the Sound.

I don't think that through this all, I have even listened to or for anything. I have completely made all decisions by myself. And I have not taken the time to lift it up to Him. He knows what would be best for me and I think that is what I need to do...

Pray about it...

Lord, help me to hear You.

Help me in my obedience to lift

all things up to You because

only YOU know what is best for me.

End of the year! =(

It's amazing how fast a year of school can go by.
I finished my last final around 8:30 this morning and I still don't feel like it should be over yet. Sometimes I wish that they could just let us live here year round but during the "summer time" months—just not have school work. That would be so awesome. Especially since George Fox feels like my "home" now.

I have built so many different relationships that I am not ready to leave behind yet. I mean, I know that I will be returning here in 4 months but it is not the same. I can honestly say that I have met people that I know I will be friends with for life. They are just so amazing and helpful in whatever I need. They have been there to just listen to me or to have fun whenever needed.

I have the best floor EVER!!

Best roommate EVER!!

Best friends EVER!

I feel like this is how I felt leaving from high school and moving down here, but for some reason it does not feel the same. Before I moved down here I was really upset that I was going to be leaving my friends behind, but it just feels so different because you bond with college friends in a completely different way than with high school friends. I mean, you live with them! I am so very blessed to have had such amazing friendships come out of my year here. Everyone is here for the same reason, to get an education in a Christ-centered environment, and I couldn't ask for a better college experience.

I am BELOVED. =)

But looking back on the times when I was sad to leave my friends behind, I don't think it even closely compared to how upset I was about leaving behind all of the mentors from my church behind. I have so many people form Calvary that I delay miss seeing every week and talking to. I still miss them so much and I sometimes still have a hard time with that. But I am so very blessed to have so many opportunities of great mentors here at Fox. I have had SO many conversations with my AC, Sarah Jobson, and I absolutely adore her. She is just so amazing and I am very blesses to have someone here on campus that I can turn to in times of need, even if it is just a good hug.

This year has been full of so many ups and down. But I know that anything and everything I went through was just a learning experience. God knew that at the end of the year, I would be happy. I am SO very blessed to have had this amazing opportunity to come to the PERFECT college. I cannot wait to be able to spend my next 3 years here!

Next year is going to be a different experience though. Because of financial reasons, I am going to be living in an apartment off campus. Although I am pretty excited about that, I am also kind of bummed because I really waited to be able to have that real college experience of being on campus at all times. But I feel like I am the kind of person who is going to keep involved in everything that is going on. I do not want to let having to move off campus keep me from having the best college experience possible.

Plus, next year I am going to be playing softball! Although I will be having to wear a back brace, I am not going to let it hold me back. I will be responsible about it though at the same time. Through this back injury, it made me realize how much you use your back and how much having it injured holds you back.  I will be trying out in the fall to see how my back can handle it, and if it can I will be playing in the spring. I am very excited about this because I miss it so much.

This summer is going to be completely different experience. I am going to be living with my Aunt Jody and Uncle Les down in Creswell, OR. I have never lived with anyone on my dad's side of the family before, My aunt got me a cooking job in a diner there, so I am pretty excited about that because I absolutely LOVE cooking! I think the one thing I fear is trying to find a church down there so that I am staying connected with my faith. None of my family is Christian, so this is going to be a journey that I am going to have to take myself, but I am ready!

Counting down days until I am back at Fox!!!.... Literally.

121 Days until Fall Semester starts!! =)

Trust.

I have always wondered what it is like to completely and fully, without any hesitation, TRUST in the Lord. I mean, we all have heard this before and I know numerous times I have said that I trust Him and always will, in which I do, but isn't there always some little bit of control-freak in everyone?

I have had trust issues my whole life and it seems like trusting God is one of the hardest things to do as a Christian. As we observe our lives, it seems like the question, "Is He REALLY listening?" comes up too often. Trusting in God is so vital to our spiritual lives, yet our faith is so weak. If we only knew the amazing way that the Lord would open up to us if we would just open up to Him in belief.

And the Lord has done an interesting things... the more we trust in Him... the more He rewards us and reveals Himself to us. But when we doubt Him and don't have faith, nothing happens. He doesn't try to prove Himself or surprise us with a revelation to show us that we're wrong.. It's all up to us.

Do you want to see miracles? You need to believe in miracles. So you want to see God move in your life? You have to trust Him to move in your life. It seems so simple, yet very, very hard.

I feel like sometimes I have tried all of this and it never works, ya know? But it has taken me to go through a whole lot this year to realize that through everything, something is happening...

God wants to see if we will still trust Him even when out prayers don't turn out the way we want. He is trying to help us grow in our faith, and in order to do that He continues to raise the bar little bits at a time. As we grow spiritually, He asks us to believe even more, and when things become difficult... He wants us to believe EVEN MORE.

You see, He has His plans and we have ours and they are usually VERY different. God does have a mind of His own, and of course we are disappointed when we don't receive the answers we are looking for. But do we still believe? Do we doubt Him? Do we doubt ourselves?

I feel like too often when I had a prayer that goes unanswered, or opposite of what I am wanting... I gave up on Him. And that is NOT what He is wanting. Even though what I wanted didn't happen, I should still believe and trust Him to do what is best.

Belief and trust are the key... I need to keep on trusting regardless of what is going on around me, even when things seem hopeless. God is real and very aware of everything that goes on with me, and He knows most of the time I doubt Him. He has wanted me to take that leap of faith in trusting Him with all of my life... And since I have done that— He is finally able to wrap His arms around me. Jesus asks us to have faith as a little child. But as an adult, my past disappointments had corrupted me.

I am finally seeing all of this clearly after many coffee and lunch dates and late night talks.
Why had I ever gotten to the point where I even thought about doubting our all loving, all knowing, all forgiving God.

Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD is the Rock eternal.

Isaiah 26:4.

Lord, please help me to keep trusting you.

Help me to never doubt anything that happens

because You have the very best plan for me.

You have been so good to me, and I have no 

reason to doubt You work in my life everyday.

I trust you completely with my life.

Scars.

I read this blog today that is written by the wife of the old pastor at Solid Rock in Beaverton, OR. I couldn't help but take a good chunk of it to share and write about it on my blog because this stuff is so dear to my heart. Her post really made me think about how blessed I am to have found and met this Man in my life that has changed everything about me and lets me know I am beautiful everyday... Even with my scars.

"The good girl gone bad was surrounded by bad.
Then one day she heard a story about a Man who could make bad people good. She didn't believe it at first. After all, none of those other things had worked. The bad seemed stuck.
No matter how she tried, all that darkness deep inside wouldn't stay down.

Days passed, weeks, months, until the day came when the Man-who-could-make-people-good invited the good-girl-gone-bad to come close. And when she did, He held out His hands to show her something really, really awful while He told her something really, really, beautiful.

The something awful was the scars. Ugly, oozing holes right through her hands.


Blood.


Pain.


Badness.


Everything in the girl wanted to turn away from those repulsive scars, yet something held her there, transfixed by this Good Man holding bad in His hands.


That when He told her something beautiful.


"The scars," He said, "were for you. All the bad you have ever done, all the bad you will ever do, all the bad you have become, is covered by those scars. Not hidden, not ignored, not pretended away, but covered by a love that changed everything. And what's more, I will use these sacred hands of mine to make you new. To change the way you are. To throw the past away. To hold you close so that you never have to hide again..... To make you GOOD."


And He did!


This blog post had me in tears. She was talking about a God who made her good even though he clearly saw all the scars she had. Even though He knew that she would eventually doing something and again turn away from Him.

This sounds allllllll too much like my story. And sometimes I think I take for granted how great of a God I have. This year I have had my fair share of ups and downs. But boy did He put me at the right school. I have so many great people here that I am able to just talk to and pray with about ANYTHING. And to know that your professors are more than willing to help you through situations and sit and pray with you as well.

My story always brings up the song Bring the Rain by MercyMe.

"I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise you with all that I've gone through.
The questions just amazes me.
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You."

And to me... My story, my life, my background, my hurts, my scars, my family, my friends, my everything... That's all I've ever known. That's who I am... And when I share my testimony with people, some people really don't understand how I am the way I am with the everything that I have gone through.

Sometimes I am ever surprised... But then I get to tell them the best part. My miracle.


That God, my Redeemer, picked ME up out of the mucky, miry pit of self-pity I had dug myself into and placed my feet securely on the solid rock. How He dusted me off, patched me up, and put a whole new song into my life.

My God is just THAT good is what I tell people. =)

Lord, sometimes I question what I did to deserve

You and Your everlasting love and forgiveness.

You have always been so good to me.

And I am so thankful to have a Father like You.

Rain.

Have you ever had a moment where you wish you could just freeze time because it is just so beautiful? Sometimes don't you wish that you could stay in those moments forever? But then... when you least expect it, it starts to rain. It always rains. Doesn't it?

It's interesting, because the Scriptures say all sorts of things about rain and storms. When Jesus is teaching about what it means to live, like the fullness of life in His kingdom. When Jesus speaks of it, He speaks of two different people. He speaks of a person who builds their house on sand, someone who chooses to reject his teachings; and then someone who builds their life, their house, on rock; who chooses to build their life on Jesus' teachings.

The metaphor He uses is that of a storm that comes. The person who rejects His teachings and His truth, essentially the house built on sand, just gets destroyed, but the house that's bullet on rock stands. This idea that, when Jesus says when the rain comes-it's not like they might, they do. It rains in our lives.... a lot.

No matter whether it be the kind of rain that occasionally drips in our lives or the rain that plasters down and drenches us. Do you ever feel like you just want to cry out when it starts raining, "Why me?" I have felt like this several times throughout this year in college. It's like when it starts raining this hard, even the trees above us cannot protect us anymore. The people in whom we trust with our lives-they run out of things to say.

But when you look up the word "cry," look in the Scriptures, you find that this word comes up over and over again, like even in the book of Psalms, just the book of Psalms. If you just start reading through, it speaks over and over and over again of crying. Of crying out to God. And God says there amazing things, like, "When you cry out to me, I listen" He even says, "I cannot ignore the cries of someone who is afflicted." It's like if I'm hurting, lost, soaking wet, scared, confused, God says, "You cry out and I hear." God even says that when you cry He's close to the broken hearted, he's close to those who cry out and admit they're scared, sot, soaking wet, and confused.

See, there is this false, twisted idea out there among religious people that somehow you gotta have it all together to have a relationship with God. That like somehow God's only looking for people who have no problems, and have it all nailed down, and can put on the happy face all the time. And yet the Scriptures speak directly against this kind of thinking.

Jesus is even just straight ahead when he says, "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden." The essence of salvation is crying out to God and admitting I don't have it all together. It's admitting I am lost, I am hurting, and this sinful nature I carry around with me has really screwed things up for me and God if you don't show me the way home, if you don't fix things, if you don't step in, I am dying here.

And this kind of thinking is all throughout the Scriptures. It's over and over again, God says to us,   "When you come to me you come to me with all your junk, you come to me with your problems, come to me all screwed up, all messed up. Let me take care of it." Jesus even sets out looking for people and he even says this, he says, "I'm not looking for the healthy, I came for the sick."

It's weird to think about the perspective we see rain from. For us, the storm is our reality. We see nothing else. We have trouble seeing the reality beyond the storm. And what we sometimes forget, is that our Heavenly Father would do anything to get us home. When we are crying out to God, we need to allow Him to pull us close to His chest, and wrap His arms around us and He holds us tightly up again His heart.

We need to imagine Him walking us through the storm, carrying us every step of the way, as he whispers in our ear over and over again, "I love you. We're gonna make it. I know the way home. We're gonna make it. I love you."

Now imagine after we get out of this storm and we are looking back at this storm we experienced. Isn't the reaction most people give, "God, what did you let me go through that for? I've got all this junk inside me. What did you--I thought you loved me. How could you have exposed me to something that horrible? That storm, I mean, why didn't you protect me?" Think about how our Heavenly Father feels when this happens. He is crushed because for Him, this walk, this storm is one of the deepest, most intimate memories with His children.

Maybe we're bitter or we've got all of this anger inside because there are some things we have been through, some storms in our lives. And we're wondering if He really loved us, if God really was there, He wouldn't have let us go through those things. And maybe God is saying, "No, don;t you understand? I got to hold you tight and remind you over and over again, "I love you."

And as it says in the Scriptures, the book of Deuteronomy chapter one, God's reminding his people of how good he's been to them, and He says, "Remember, I carried you like a father carries a son."

And now, when we are soaking wet, lost, hurting, and confused, may we cry out, and may the Creator of the universe take us out of the pack. May he hold us tight up against His chest. May He wrap His eternal loving arms around us, and may we hear Him whisper, "I love you. We're gonna make it. I know the way home. We're gonna make it. I love you"

*NOOMA. Rain.


Lord,  thank you so much for being You.
You have carried me through many storms 
and I don't think I give you the credit you deserve. 
You diligently seek for my heart to be Yours.
I want to give it to You. You deserve it.
I am giving You all of my heart even in the storms of this life.

Beloved

I have been reading The Atonement Child by Francine Rivers and it has been such a blessing to me lately. To be able to read about the spiritual struggle of a girl my age is so interesting. (this may be kind of a spoiler, so sorry if you are wanting to read it!) Dynah Carey is in college and is walking home from work and is raped, and later finds out she is pregnant. The battle that Dynah faces with trying to choose abortion or not and is completely waiting on God's call to tell her what she needs to do.

I have had to force myself to put this book down at night because I never get tired reading it. It is just that good. To know that this girl is able to get through this very, very hard time in her life, gives me sooo much hope that I can and will get through anything thrown at me.

"Convicted. Redeemed. On a mission. But it's not like it was in the beginning. That emotional high. Feeling on fire. There's effort, day by day, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other effort. And trust. That's been the hardest for me. Trusting God. Walking in faith that He knows better than I do what's best for me."

This quote was one said to Dynah by her friend Joe. He was talking about his spiritual walk. His walk is a lot like mine (mixed with Dynah's at the same time). I could read this quote over and over and get something new from it every time. I am quick to say that trusting God has been something that is hard for me. To think that His plan is SO much better than what I expect is hard for me to grasp because I want to believe that I should have total control over my life.

And another thing is that I have so many friends who think that the minute they are saved or are "born-again Christians" that they are going to have it easy the rest of their life. That is SO not true and this quote says it right there. "There's effort, day by day, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other effort." I have to continually remind myself that HE is so much greater than anything and everything that will ever happen. I take baby steps every day to get closer and closer to Him. And I LOVE the struggle. It helps me know that my God is ALWAYS there for me.

Throughout this book when Dynah hears God talking to her, she is approached by being called "Beloved." According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary beloved means: dearly loved; dear to the heart. To know that God sees us ALL as beloved is just... sooo... enlightening.

To be seen as Beloved was a theme this year at our freshman orientation. 

It is also a word that I have been called many times by my area coordinator and it just makes me realize how loved I truly am, even when I think I am going through things alone. 

It is used so many times throughout this book and when God is speaking to Dynah, sometimes I feel 

as if those words are going straight to me too. 

Lord, thank you so much.

Thank you for blessing me with this book

and it's ability to make me feel Beloved.

You alone have been my stronghold.

And I know that you will forever be that.