#effcancermovement2013

I just wanted to let you guys know about something that my friend, Rachel Morell, surprised me with yesterday! Sidenote: On top of doing screen-printing, she also has awesome photography businesses, Fawn and Feather and Jonathan David Photography that you should check out!!

But anyways! Yesterday as I was sitting at a coffee shop I suddenly got tagged in a facebook post saying that Rachel was selling Eff Cancer shirts, but she only had 20 so they were basically on a first come, first serve.

I don't think we realized how big of a support you guys would be on this surprise endeavor, so we decided to go widespread with it! After posting something on facebook, within a couple hours we already had about 30 more shirt orders!

So now we are officially opening up the order to anyone and are selling "Eff Cancer #suckitcancer #seriously" t-shirts for $20 each!!

Here is the design we are using!! 

And the next best thing is.... There are color options!!!!

Let me clarify the colors for you. In order starting from the top left:
Purple with white.
Maroon with white.
Pink with white.
Turquoise with white.
Salmon with turquoise.
Fuchsia with turquoise.
Lime with white.

And then the best thing after that is... We are willing to mail you shirts if you don't live here! All that we ask is that you add $5. As soon as we receive your payment, we will mail you the shirt!

All that being said, we are finalizing this next order soon-ish so if you want a shirt—let me know! 

What I need to know is the color and size that you want, and if you don't live near here, I will get you the information as to where to send the money!!

Thank you to everyone who has already supported me in this rapid moving little fundraiser, and I look forward to hearing from you!

By the way, all of the profit is going towards helping me pay for treatments/medical bills/gas to appointments, etc... So it is very much appreciated!!! :) 

A Groaning Hallelujah

People in passing ask how I'm doing. I know that most of them actually want to know, but most of them would not be ready for me to break down or only say cuss words.

So instead of trying to figure out who could... I simply say with a smile, "I am doing well. How about you?!"

But if you want me to be honest... I am not doing well.

I feel.... Unhappy. Heartbroken. Afraid.

Time and time again I question why God has allowed this to happen in my life. Why has my cancer relapsed 3 times? Why have I had to have 4 surgeries in a year? Why can't this just go away? Am I not learning what You want me to learn?

It's unfair. I don't know why I am having to continue walking this path. It doesn't make sense at all, and no amount of preaching will change that or completely ease my pain. But what I do know is that by hiding my emotions and filling my void with unhealthy avenues will only hurt me more in the long run. Not allowing myself the freedom to feel what I am feeling will only restrict the blessings that God has in store for me on this journey.

I am not saying all of this so that you will shower me with encouragement in hopes that it will pick up my spirits, and I am not saying this because the encouragement you have provided already is not working. I am saying this because I believe that prayer is powerful, and I can honestly feel it moving. I am saying this because your encouragement has already done wonders for me and that it keeps me going on most days.

I am blessed to be surrounded by the ministry of presence.

Even when I build walls to keep people out, I have people in my life that are willing to break down those walls just so that they can sit in the darkness with me. No words needed.

Sometimes I just need to talk. Cry. Laugh. Cuss. Scream. And it is all of you that have given me the space to do that.

I have had so many wise friends journeying right alongside of me, giving me words that seem like a little shot of hope and peace.

"I have come to believe that the faith part of this whole thing is believing that God is good even when it feels like that might not be true and the whole coping part of this whole process is to find joy along the way."

I have started a gratitude journal. Every day I am writing down 5-10, simple or meaningful, significant or random, things that I am thankful for. Here's a peek into some of them from the last 3 days:

• My nephew's giggles.
• A car that gets me from point A to point B.
• My turtle pillow pet.
• Honest conversations with friends.
• A comfortable pillow and blanket to curl up on the couch with to end the day.
• Honeycrisp apples. 
• Sitting on the floor with a sweet friend in a safe place.
• Laughter.

I am choosing to find joy in the small things, but also allowing myself the freedom to lament. I want to be honest with God and I want to be honest with all of you.

"Lamentation when we are hurting...this is how we grieve...this is how we feel. We bleed, we cry, we hurt, we seek—bewildered, we grit our teeth...and we end in a groaning Hallelujah."

So here I am. Grieving, crying, hurting, but seeking His truth with a groaning Hallelujah.

Praising God, for He does not silence our limit.