Drained.

For my Life of Christ class, we were given Soul Training Exercises to do weekly and journal about them. This week's exercise was:

"Take a facebook/texting/internet fast this wee for a specific time period—at least 8 waking hours. See if you are able to commit to longer. How hard was this for you? WHat kind of faults things does media immersion teach you? How did your spirit respond to being away from technological connection for a day? Journal"

This is my journal entry for this exercise, and is exactly how I am feeling right now.

I think this media fast just brought out a lot of emotion from me. I did it from 3-11pm and even though it was only 8 hours… I feel like it was EXTREMELY hard. I feel like I definitely got a lot done, homework wise. I did a lot of reading and just sitting around. It was weird to not be on my laptop though. Whether it be for doing homework, getting on facebook, skyping with friends/family, watching TV episodes… Everything was hard. It was really tempting to pick up my laptop when I finished an essay or when I got bored with a book. It’s crazy to me how much time I do spend on my phone or computer. I have always heard the saying, “What if instead of being on facebook, you read your Bible? How much do you think you would know?” And through this fast, I realized that I would be VERY knowledgeable biblically if I spent my time in the Word rather than online.

I truly believe that the hardest thing for me was that I wasn’t in constant contact with everyone. When I was taking a break from homework at one point, I found myself in tears. And completely helpless at the time too. Just sitting in my room, home alone, with no technological connection to people… It made me super emotional. It got me thinking about how stressful this year is going to be and how I am not going to have like any time to visit anyone. I will be working 24 hours a week at Farm to Fork in Dundee, taking 17 credits this semester and 16 next semester, and with all the time I will have to be studying… I feel like all year I am going to be COMPLETELY stressed and tired. I cried because I felt like I had nothing else to do. Just last night I was in tears laying in my bed, clutching my baby blanket and Braveheart Care Bear that my Nana got me for my 3^rd birthday (gosh I miss her SO much), and saying to myself, “I wish this wasn’t going to be so hard. I just want to quit and go home.” I found myself missing my family, friends back home, and all my church family and friends more than ever.

I think it’s insane that this media fast is what had me in tears. I guess when I have all the time in the world to sit and think, everything surfaces. Media immersion has completely blocked out the things I have been feeling inside. I get so caught up in reading the latest “statuses” or worrying about how many points my next Words with Friends word will get me, that I don’t ever think about what I really feel like. I think I truly do need to stray away from how much I am connected to the media in order to keep my emotions in check. I feel like if I continue to keep my emotions bottled up inside I may have a very unpleasant breakdown at some point. Or I just need to start journaling no matter what. Because I feel like if don't express myself healthily, I really feel like I am just going to have to attitude of wanting to give up all the time. Lord, I just want to take the time to pray that you continue to give me the strength to make it through each day. Amen.

Rhythm.

rhythmNoun/ˈriT͟Həm

1. A strong, regular, repeated pattern of movement or sound.

2. The systematic arrangement of musical sounds, principally according to duration and periodic stress.

As a college student, I think this is THE hardest thing to find. We are in a stage in our life where there is constant change. At least I feel like I am. I can never find that "repeated pattern of movement," although I find myself trying to gain it every day. 

I go from having an amazing summer living at the Campbell's residence and working a set schedule to living off campus in an apartment with a friend, attending full time at George Fox, and trying to fit work into that schedule because I have to pay rent. SO HARD! I find myself stressing every day about how much homework I have, how little sleep I get, how I don't get to do anything fun, and I haven't even started my job yet!

I feel like college is always constant change... 

• Move in as freshman.
• Start fall semester classes.
• Leave school for a month for winter beak
• Completely different spring semester classes.
• Go home for the summer and lost the school mindset.
• Move back in to a completely different place on or off campus.
• Start different classes once again.
• And repeat all of this chaos for years...

Don't doubt me that my time at Fox has been more than I could ever ask for... But why does it have to be so stressful. I actually did a survey for one of my classes last year and asked the question, "If you could define college in one word, what word would you use?" 71 out of 100 people used the word stress or stressful. I feel like it shouldn't be that way.

Isn't funny that the definition of rhythm even has the word stress in it? I mean, I know it's not saying that literally saying "periodic stress," but that is the way I took it! If you combine the two definitions and mix it up a little you can create the definition: "A strong, regular, repeated pattern of movement, principally according to periodic stress." Now THAT is more like the definition of rhythm. 

Something that I have had a hard time doing lately though is asking the Lord to guide me through it. How can I sit here and complain about how I can't find a rhythm, when I have yet to open my Bible or even pray for God to help me overcome this stage. Instead, I feel like I have let Satan get a foothold on my heart and tug me away. I find myself lately saying, "I'll pray for you." But only saying it because it is the right thing, and not actually doing it. 

I want this "funk" to end.

So Lord, I am asking you right now.

I am asking that you help me get out 

of this foothold and back into Your

arms. I ask that You help me find a 

rhythm that is in the same pattern

as Yours. I pray that You help me be

intentional in the things I say and do.

I pray that You help me get out of this

funk. I trust that You will be there.