I Am a Cancer Patient.

I am a cancer patient,
a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a follower of Christ.
I have future goals and a past filled with memories.
Sometimes, I wonder who would be hurt if I was gone,
Sometimes, I am certain I will live forever.

I am a cancer patient,
a survivor, an inspiration, and an advocate.
I have endured medical procedures and treatments
and felt exposed to total strangers in whose hands I lay my future.
I have moments of complete confusion
and moments of total understanding,
nights of restless sleep and days of doubt and rage.

I am a cancer patient,
skilled at disguising my illness with laughs and smiles,
but do not be fooled—I am afraid.

I am a cancer patient,
viewed with pity and awe and a certain misunderstanding
by those who have not shared my journey.
I enjoy peaceful moments amidst the uncertainty.

I am a cancer patient,
a product of challenge.
I am thankful for the side effects that have helped me become
a better friend, daughter, sister, and follower of Christ.
I am blessed to live life large.

Never Lose Heart: Heb.12:1-3

I have been reading through Hebrews lately and today I have been reflecting over Hebrews 12:1-3. It has been such a great passage to reflect over.

In Hebrews 12:3 it says that opposition comes from those who sin in order to make us weary with the result that we lose heart and give up.

There will always be some kind of conflict. That is a given. But how do we live with such conflicts in s a way that it doesn't lead to weariness and losing heart?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." *Hebrews 12:1-3

When I read this passage, I clearly picture the image that is depicted of us being in a race. We are all running surrounded by a crowd of spectators, and we can see the goal and the prize. The crowd watching us are all God's people whom have run the race themselves in previous years and completed it. We know it is possible because they have done it. They pressed through the opposition and weariness.

 How did they do it?

They did it by having faith in what God was going to do in the future.
They did it by considering that the prize was worth far more than the weariness.

To quote Paul from Romans 8:18, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us."

Between having a God that doesn't leave our side and then the many encouragers we have, we need to realize we are not alone. And then when we realize that, we need to fix our eyes on the end point, which is Jesus. He is the one who set us off on this race. He is the perfecter of our faith. If you take your eyes off him you will eventually let any conflict become the bigger perspective. That is the way conflicts work.

How do we do it?

We need to be able to throw out the sin in our life that is entangling us. We can't give in to sin when things get hard because that is when it seems most tempting.
We need to run with perseverance. In my last blog I talked about how perseverance means to continue the task at hand, even when it gets hard and you don't enjoy it. That is also how we must run this race of life.
We need to be convinced that the prize at the end is worth facing the weariness we feel with every step.
We need to fix our eyes firmly on Jesus. This will allow us to confront and receive suffering, just as it allowed Jesus to confront the cross.

That is the crucial point. Jesus dealt with the present suffering in the light of future joy.

I have to ask myself daily what is keeping me from enjoying the anticipation of future joy.
I feel as if I sacrifice my joy on the altar of my busyness. I don't have the space to enjoy God any more because I simply fill up all my time and that space goes out the window.

Every time I do this I eventually grow weary and lose heart because I have separated myself from the source of strength, which is the joy of the Lord.

C.S. Lewis says, "Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing has happened."

I think in order to anticipate joy in the future and to never lose heart, I must start over every day relying on God.

Perseverance

I celebrated being 2 months in remission on Sunday! God is SO good!
The funny thing is... I had not even realized that it was my 2 month anniversary of going in to remission until I woke up to this sign...

It's crazy how much cancer changes your life. Often for the better.

I've learned what's important in life.

I've learned to prioritize a lot better.

I've learned not to waste a lot of time.

And one of the most important things I've learned is how important it is to tell other people how much they mean to you; tell people you love them.

When I was first diagnosed I found it really easy to look at all the things going wrong in my life and compare them to things going right in other people's lives and sit and curse awhile. But this changed rather quickly for me. I wanted to have a positive attitude through it all, but also making sure that I wasn't hiding my real emotions. 

I am still not upset about getting cancer—I'm not depressed, I'm not disappointed, I don't blame God, or wish that things were different. I still think that there are things that cancer taught me that I never would have seen otherwise; I still think that cancer is a good teacher.

But that doesn't mean that I'm particularly happy about it, or that I should be. 

I learned so much about what it means to have perseverance.

Perseverance is not continuing a task you enjoy, it is by definition, continuing a task despite your continuing dislike for it. 

Being able to persevere does not mean that you necessarily have to be optimistic, but you definitely cannot go around complaining and call that "persevering." I think that in order to claim having perseverance through a cancer battle you must have a certain bit of acceptance for the situation.

I mean, I guess what I am trying to say is that I probably would not be learning anything worthwhile if I liked having cancer. I think that cancer is worthwhile because it is so awful—and it's not until times like there—where I HATE treatments, and I DETEST going to the doctor, that character can really be built.

It has been exactly 102 days since my diagnosis of cancer. That is 3 1/4 months, or 13 weeks, or 2,184 hours—however you want to think of it.

Since then I went through 6 weeks of chemo, helped bring a chemo buddy to Christ before she passed away, spent 3 weeks in Romania, and have started radiation treatments back up.

I have learned so many medical terms that it would take an unbelievable amount of time and space to type them all out on here. 

All I can say is that some times the worst thing in your life may contain seeds of the best.

(Blog inspired by something that I read)

Oh, Grumpy Days!

Today has been my grumpy day.

Just when I finally started to feel good and like my body was back to full strength...

I started radiation up again last night and today I am more fatigued than any other treatment has left me. This treatment has not left me throwing up like every other treatment, but the weakness I feel in my body makes me pretty nauseous.

I think the only reason this whole thing has left me grumpy is because I thought I was done with this kind of stuff. I was able to go to Romania/Moldova which was a HUGE blessing, and they have worked my treatments around my week vacation to Mazatlan, Mexico at the end of July, too (which keeps looking better and better every day)! To say the least, I am very thankful that this cancer has not completely eliminated me from the things I want to do.

I try to stay positive... I really do. Especially when I look at the simplicity of my treatment compared to those who have been doing this for WAY longer than 4 months and who have to do it a lot more than once a week.

But could I just please be done now?!

I have spent this gorgeous, sunny day inside sleeping, reading, playing on my computer, and watching movies and TV all day. This is not really how I pictured my summer to go.

I am just praying that I only have to do the minimum of 8 weeks of treatment instead of 16 weeks because then these treatments would be going in to the school year. And that is definitely not how I pictured my school year to start off.

I have always heard people say, "God's plan is different than our own."

But do I really believe that God had cancer in His plan for me?
Would God really impress this kind of suffering on anyone?

I don't think I would agree with anyone who says that this was obviously God's plan, but I would never argue against the fact that He is using this for a beautiful purpose. From Sheraya's story to the strength and courage I have discovered within myself, this journey has brought a lot of glory to God.

But I would not wish the kind of horrors that I have lived day in and day out on my worst enemy. From the surgery, treatments, and fear, to the sickness, hospital stays, and anger, this journey has been a very difficult one.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Right?

"The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun." *Napoleon Hill.

Today I am finding my peace through the prayers and words of affirmation from others because if I didn't have that... I would be having a super grumpy day.

(Side note—The cancer is not back. I am still in remission. I am going through treatments in order to kill off the remaining cancerous tumor, but that tumor is not active. They are choosing to do radiation treatments over having to remove the full set of lymph nodes in surgery).

Embrace

Like I have said before... Reverse Culture Shock: It's real!

But when I said that last time, I was still in this stage of shock. I didn't think that it was going to be this hard transitioning back in to life in the US. And although I still find myself shocked here and there... I am trying something different now.

I am learning to embrace the culture shock. 

This period of culture shock has allowed me to look at my life with a new set of eyes. My experiences from Romania/Moldova are still fresh and now that I am home, I am seeing things differently. I have been taking the time to compare how I lived there and how I live here. 

There are things here at home that I love that I once took for granted.

I quickly learned in Romania that people don't smile at each other when passing by. People don't take time to greet someone unless they know them or are about to meet them. I found myself looking at the ground when I walked everywhere because most of the time the response to a smile would be a glare, or later turn in to a catcall as I continued walking down the street. Now that I am home, I smile at everyone! And I used to take for granted the friendly grocery tellers who would strike up conversations with me as I checked out, but now I realize how thankful I am to have that!

There are the things that I don't necessarily like, but that I once took for granted.
As we were walking to our host family's upon arrival in Galati, Paul, our host dad, explained to us that we were not going to want to spend any time in our bedrooms except for sleeping. After taking one step upstairs, I knew exactly what he meant. It was like a sauna, but the thing is... I don't know if that is something that bothered me. I think I am more bothered right now that as I write this post, I am sitting inside on a hot day shivering, wearing shorts and a sweatshirt, as the air conditioners blast the room. During the summer, I layer up to be inside and in the winter I take off layers in front of a high thermostat.

I have learned to appreciate the things that I can do and things that work.
Bus schedules, any schedules, the internet, ATMs, etc.—just a few things that work!
I appreciate things that I can do here that I never really thought about. Things like being able to take a shower at the same time as someone else in the house without having to take a cold shower, being able to flush toilet paper, and not having to squat when going to the bathroom.

There are also things that I learned to live without, and wish it was easier to do so here!
Our host mom was constantly making the joke that her cell phone was EXACTLY like an iphone, yet her phone was one of the older Nokia phones. She just thought it was silly that we all had smart phones. Life seemed much simpler there because there was an absence of electronics. Upon return, it didn't seem hard to quickly adapt back to having my cell phone on me at all times, but I wish it wasn't that way!
Another thing that I appreciated so much while I was there was that my main transportation was walking or public transport. The only car I rode in the whole time I was there was a taxi 2 times. I wish that there was as much public transportation here in the US, where I live, so that I wouldn't need a car!

At first I thought reverse culture shock was such a horrible thing but only because my first experience ended in tears in the middle of a shoe aisle at Nordstrom Rack. Now that I have taken the time to appreciate the things I have here, but also compare some of the things I appreciate there... Reverse culture shock has been a lot easier!

Willing to Endure

It has been almost a week since I returned back to the United States after spending some time over in Romania and Moldova.

I could not agree more with the people who told me before that the transition back in to life at home is a lot harder than one would expect.

Apart from the many nights of trying to overcome jet lag, I have spent my days in conversation and my nights journaling. I still can't even begin to comprehend how just 3 1/2 weeks in Romania/Moldova completely changed me. I miss it so much there, and it hasn't even been a full week!!

I miss sitting in the chapel and being brought to tears as we worshipped in both English and Romanian—knowing that no matter the language, we were praising the same God, our Heavenly Father who protects each one of us.

I miss the way my name was mispronounced by almost everyone there because for some reason the long "a" to them sounds like "ee". H{ee}ly.

I miss the way I missed being home, but being fully content in where I was at because the simplicity of the way I was living was awe-inspiring.

I miss our daily discussions that made me struggle with the ideas of poverty, suffering, and brokenness.

How do I keep this stuff fresh in my mind?
How do I continue to seek out a life of awareness?

I feel like Romania/Moldova took my heart out of my chest and smashed it into the ground, but not necessarily in a bad way. My heart has been stretched in a way that I am fully allowing Jesus to stretch out His cross. I understand sacrifice in a way that I never had before.

During chapel one morning in Moldova, I was challenged greatly by the verse 2 Timothy 2:10.

"Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory."

How willing am I to endure everything–suffering, pain, rejection–in order that others would come to know our Lord, Jesus Christ?

When I heard this, all I could think about was Sheraya. All the pain and suffering that both her and I were going through in order for her to come to know Jesus in the end. But this is only one time in my entire life that I can think of that I endured so much for the sake of someone obtaining salvation.

I think about the Word Made Flesh staff in both Romania and Moldova.
They live their life every day enduring so much in order to make sure that the children and teens at the Drop-in Centers would know that their Heavenly Father has them wrapped in His arms—always with them.

I am having to figure out how I am going to have that mindset without thinking that I have to sell all my stuff and become a missionary.

How do I integrate how I lived life overseas with how I live life here?
This is a question that I am sure I will be wrestling with for awhile. Although the answer may be simple... It's the training of my mind that will take some work.

"Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions."

And The Processing Begins...

Before leaving for Romania, everyone kept telling me that I would probably experience culture shock. And to some extent, I guess I did. Things are different there, and I had to adjust. But that didn't seem as hard as returning home.

Reverse Culture Shock... it's real.

After arriving back in the United States, I accompanied a friend to Nordstrom Rack to look at shoes for her. After being asked several times if the shoes she was trying on looked good, I slowly started to tear up.

Just days before I was walking with children in Romania to the Danube River Front. Many of them with calloused feet and breaking flip flops, which was probably the only pair of shoes that many of them owned.

How do I begin to reconcile these two images?

How do I balance the thankfulness that I have for the abundance we have here with the heartache that I feel for those who don't have that?

How do I bring the same eyes that I viewed life through over in Romania and Moldova back here to the United States?

How do I keep that sensitivity, perspective, and passion?

I feel like these next couple days, weeks, months, and even years... I will be constantly processing my time in Romania and Moldova.

I cannot wait for the chance to go back because I know the Word Made Flesh communities that I experienced stole a piece of my heart.