Walls.

My friend, Robert Hall, from school wrote this on his tumbler and I couldn't help but share it. 

Simply amazing.

"For some reason we like to tell guarded people to "let their walls down" as if to say that by putting up walls they are becoming totally inwardly-focused creatures, inhuman in their supposed solitude. We encourage them to "let other people in" as an alternative to have walls. But what would they be letting people in to if they didn't keep their walls up? Walls are what define rooms, rooms which we use to protect those things that are dear to us: memories, regrets, dreams, burdens... We keep these in basements and attics and closets, places that, without walls, wouldn't be of much use. So aren't walls a good thing? If there are room, defined spaces, people can invite other people in, and there, with those walls around them, they will find joy, freedom, innocence, belonging, and more. SOmetimes they'll uncover wounds, feel shame, shed tears, scream profanities, and collapse in anguish. But right there with them will be a friend, a brother, a mentor, a peer, a student. We all need walls in our lives, boundaries that protect us but more importantly give us the opportunity to actively invite people in for a glimpse of our hearts. I would venture to say that walls are perfectly acceptable. Just make sure to build a door."

I honestly could not have said this better myself. I don't think I could count how many people told me in my past to take my walls down. And up until reading this, I have always tried to make sure I am not building walls. But Robert helped me to realize that having walls are obviously not a bad thing. But rather a blessing to let people into our hearts.

Everyone has a story. And in my case, I have preferred to keep certain bits and pieces of my story locked inside a room. With Robert's description, it gives me a picture of my walk with God and in a sense "buying a new house." So for the sake of this blog, my new house is my life. And when I buy it is equivalent to when I first experienced God in my life. I have realized that having those walls up in my life have helped me become who I am today. 

So when I first bought my house, it was in a neighborhood that I didn't know anyone. I was uncomfortable. I was afraid to show anyone this house because it was a black hole. It had spiderwebs, cracks in the walls, and was a complete cluttered mess. I honestly didn't know where to start in the cleaning process. The people that lived around me tried to help me clean up, but I refused to let them help. I wanted to do it on my own. I think at this point in my life, I was very stubborn. I was going to be a sophomore in high school. Instead of trying to clean it out completely room by room, I tried to scoot everything to the side and clean up half of the room. But little did I know that when I almost got it clean, the stuff shoved to the side would collapse all over the room again.

In reality, this is probably what my house looked like when I first bought it.

 

Big mess. Spiderwebs. Cluttered. And probably unsafe.

At this point I just decided that it wasn't worth it. I was just going to live in a messed up house and deal with it. I would clean out a little bit about once a week, but hardly enough to ever get it clean at all. When I left my house, I would not speak about where I lived. I would just be in the moment and have fun with my neighbors. I got to know my neighbors, but when they asked to come to my house—I would stray away from the question or I would say maybe another time when I am feeling up to it.

But one day after a long time of making my house even messier, a storm came through and literally shredded my house to pieces. It was complete chaos and I didn't even know who to go to for help. But I knew that I couldn't clean this up on my on anymore. I needed something more than myself to pick up after this. So I eventually asked a couple people where to start. My first step was to show them my house. I showed them the whole thing. Every inch of every room. I had nothing to hide anymore. But the second they saw my house, they started helping me clean right away. My house began to straighten up and I decided not to live in a mess anymore. On July 24th, 2009—My house was finally complete. 

Something that most people don't know about is that when that storm came through, there was one room in my house that I left in reminder of that. It is locked away and not talked about at all. Although that room is a blessing in many ways, it is still a mess in the progress of fully being cleaned.

And that room is what I think about every time someone tells to me to take my walls down. That room has a door. And I have opened that door to many people before, but only when I have fully trusted them to look inside this room.

When I read Robert's post about the walls—It explained my life perfectly.

When I first was introduced to God, I was going to be a sophomore in high school and at first I was in a very uncomfortable territory. I did not let anyone know anything about my past in fear of being judged. And through the rest of my sophomore year and a third of the way into my junior year, I would spontaneously go to youth group, but at the same time continued to go out with friends. Party. Do what I thought was "fun and cool."

But then a third of the way through my junior year is when that "storm" hit. I opened up to my small group leaders about everything. I told them every bit of my life and from then on, they did nothing but help me straighten up my life. And on July 24th, 2009—I was baptized. My life was changed. I still have that room in my house that has a locked door, but to say the least—IT HAS A DOOR. And there have been many people in my life that I have let into that room, and I am completely blessed that they have been able to help me with the continuous cleaning of that room. 

Thank you Robert for helping me to realize that walls are not such a bad thing!

Lord, thank you for those who have helped

me clean my room behind locked doors.

Thank you for your forgiveness and grace.

Thank you for the opportunity to allow

 people to take a glimpse of my heart

I am forever grateful. =)