Something that I have been striving towards for a bit now is trying to figure out what it means to be whole. And what does that currently look like within my life right now?
I am reading the book A Hidden Wholeness by Parker Palmer right now. Although I am not very far in to the book yet (planning on finishing it over spring break) there has already been some great quotes that I can't stop thinking about. This quote in particular has really got me... Stuck? No... More like... Just in a very contemplative state of mind.
I think the reason why I struggled so long with recognizing that my story is beautiful is because I have always had this internalized feeling of being "not whole." I think I found myself always regretting my past because that is what made me "damaged goods." And when you put this vocabulary in your head, it really takes a long time to get it out. Before coming to college, I had shared my whole story with limited people but enough to think that I would realize that my story is truly what makes me who I am.
It has been a step by step realization process for me though. Once I got to Fox as a freshman, I basically told myself that my story didn't exist and that was that. I had a really hard time opening up because my story wasn't like a lot of the other girls on my floor. And sometimes I got this feeling that a lot of people assumed that everyone's stories would be similar. Although I do know that everyone has a story, I had a really hard time truly grasping that idea. Until I finally opened up to someone and she helped me through the first stage of figuring out what it meant to be His Beloved. I spent the rest of the year trying to truly grasp this idea that being Beloved is the core of who I am. I have to remind myself daily that I am His Beloved, but when I honestly believed those word is when I realized that Fox is going to be a great place for me to grow.
This year has had several different occasions that have made me open up and grow. We had a Women's Ministry Night during fall semester that made me realize that bringing the dark things in my past, out in to the light really does wonders. I had a coffee date with the person who spoke at the Women's Ministry Night and it was the beginning of my quest to open up. She really challenged me to tell my story and although it really did strike a chord in me, I still never shared. Then there was the Sex Talk. And to hear the words "You are WHOLE and HOLY." I couldn't get them out of my head. I still can't.
That Parker Palmer quote really got me thinking.
I do not need to be perfect to be whole.
I do not need to think that because my story is different than many, that I am impure.
I do not need to try and justify my story with anyone. It made me who I am.
But....
I do need to realize that I am whole and holy. No matter what.
I need to realize that my brokenness is a part of my life that has made me wise and gain a very different perspective on things.
I need to realize that my story is BEAUTIFUL.
How do I continue to integrate my story in to my life now? All I know is that I cannot let myself convince myself to stop sharing my story because that is what has caused the most growth at this point in my journey.
I am truly blessed by everyone in my life that continues to speak truth in to my life. Sometimes just that reminder that I am His Beloved and that I am Whole and Holy is all I need in order to put a genuine smile on my face.
"I am not defined by the pain or experiences I've been through. I'm defined by the woman I am and the woman God is creating me to be."—Rachel Lloyd.
Lord, thank You. For EVERYTHING. I don't
think I say it enough. You have blessed me
more than I could ever imagine. Thank You for
allowing me to experience brokenness because
it is what has brought me closer to You. Thank You
for placing people in my life to remind me that I am
Your Beloved and that I am Whole and Holy.
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