When His Light Shines Through

I came to a coffee shop this morning to get some homework done, yet here I am...blogging. I think it's about time that I write something on here anyways.

It has been just over a week since I found out that I need more chemotherapy than originally planned, plus adding another kind, and then hearing the news that at the end of these 16 rounds–it still might not be enough, which is where a bone marrow transplant would be in the talks again.

How do you plan for life beyond cancer when the journey just keeps getting longer and longer? How do I trust Him that this won't be the one road I walk on the rest of my life?

I feel like I am stuck in this little room with a window. This window feels like it is stopping me from planning ahead. It is stopping me from thinking that there is even a life to plan for beyond this all.

Most days, the sun is shining through the window, but many days a thick fog rolls in and blocks the sun and blocks my view of life outside of cancer.

This fog represents my days of questions and doubts.
This fog represents my pain and discomfort.
This fog represents my confusion.

The question, "Why?" is asked more throughout my day than any other question, but I need to remember His answer to that question is probably something beyond my earthly comprehension; that I can't smell the color nine.

I can't expect Him to answer...in fact I can't expect Him to do anything. I can't put my hope in any kind of answered or unanswered prayer. My hope has to be put in Jesus Christ; that He was, He is, He will always be.

My hope has to be put in the fact that the fog isn't going to last long before the sun start shining through the thick darkness. HE is going to shine through.

He is near in the shouts and sorrow and pain. His promise is still true. I have made you. I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you (Isaiah 46:4). 

So regardless of my questions and doubts. My pain and discomfort. My confusion. He is the answer. He is the hope. He is everything.

I need to grasp tight to this truth when the fog rolls in because it is a chance to know Him in the suffering. He has forever changed me, and I need to celebrate that.

Celebrate the depth the question "why?" has created in my faith.
Celebrate the times when the sun shines through the fog.
Celebrate Him and how He has never left my side and never will.

There is a life beyond the window....there is a life beyond cancer.