Grief and Joy

My blog has been a wonderful outlet to keep people informed as to how things are going and what I am currently processing, but I realized I have found myself journaling a lot more instead. So I figured it is about time to let you all in on what is going on in the mind of Haley. ;)

Recently this devotional has continued to tug on my heart.

"Keep walking with Me along the path that I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway to high mountains. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance light-footed on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparking surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life."

I continue to have this unwanted fog linger in my life. I am extremely grateful for the few days here and there that my energy level is decent, and my body doesn't ache. And I am blessed to wake up each morning with breath in my lungs. In no way minimizing these miracles, but sometimes I think, "if only my body and health could be restored to full health."

As I have blogged once about fertility, or rather my loss of fertility, I thought it would be a long time before I wrote about it again. But some recent conversations sparked that deep burning desire within me to have children of my own. Although I am not in a place to start having kids anyways, it doesn't take away the ache that comes with the doctor saying, "Your ovaries are about as useful as if you didn't have any." Thanks doc...

But another reason my "fertility post" has continued to stay in my "drafts" is because I do not want my thoughts to come across as bitter or angry or envious. I don't want my original thoughts to leave those whom I love feeling guilty for the blessing of pregnancy and children. That is by far the last thing that I want. I am genuinely and deeply happy for those blessed with such a miraculous gift(s)!

Although coping with the fact that I could be barren—incapable of creating and sustaining life within me—is hard, it would be too easy to view everyone else with jealousy after being dealt a crappy hand. Bitterness is the easy way. I am choosing not to live in envy. No matter how natural those feelings may be, I am making the decision to choose joy. Joy in my own story, and joy for the stories that surround me.

Grief is an inexplicable thing. Often I find myself heartbroken, unhappy and afraid. I have talked about that HERE before. Some days are easier than others. But through grief, wisdom is born. Grief can last for weeks, months, and even years. However, once we work through the sorrowful moments, wisdom, knowledge, and perspective mature.

Seeing my dearest friends with their cute baby bumps truly warms my heart. They are adorable! As I have continued to move forward through grieving my fertility, I am able to be genuinely excited for those with the miracle of life growing within them. I love celebrating the pregnancies of my friends!! I enjoy feeling their baby kick, giving people gifts, and probably asking too many questions. God never ceases to amaze me. My heart is healing and my joy is overflowing.

God's blessings on each of our lives is unique. Not one of His gifts are cloned for multiple people. Sure, the gifts of pregnancy and parenthood are gifted to many, yet the blessing is in the child whom is given to us. And no child is the same.

I know I will be a mother some day. Of this I am truly certain. I am joyfully expectant for the journey in meeting my children, in whatever capacity that may be.

Until then, I am putting my trust in a God who knows my heart.