You have cancer.
I was a healthy sophomore in college who had just taken a position as a Resident Assistant, and was trying to figure out summer employment after going on a month long trip to Romania and Moldova. Little did I know that I was about to be faced with a diagnosis that was going to take more than 2 years to defeat.
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| Then (1 week before diagnosis) and Now. |
These past two years have been a trial of great magnitude. They have been tumultuous, to say the least. Full of so many ups and downs. I have done all that I can to get rid of this cancer...I've invited poison to flow through my veins. I've laid alone in a room while fiery laser beams tried to diminish what is there. My body has been sliced open and stitched shut several times over. Where stuff has been removed and where there was once smooth soft skin, jagged scars remain. I have been bald for going on 10 months now, and I have learned how isolating and scary it can be. You don't really realize the amount of value we place on our hair until we no longer have it. Being bald has left me feeling vulnerable and different. Being bald is a physical reminder of the battle for survival.
Being open with every part of my journey has been hard at times, but I have challenged myself to always be honest. Cancer just plain sucks, and I have probably thrown every curse word at it that I can. I have gone up to 5 or 6 days without eating due to extreme nausea. I have cried myself to sleep because my body aches are past the point of tolerance. I have found myself on the verge of giving up because I am exhausted in every way.
I find myself struggling to get out of bed some days because I don't want to face another day living with cancer. I don't want to face another day having physical restrictions because my body is aching and tired. I don't want to face another day thinking about how I have no idea if this disease is what will one day take my life...
But while I've experienced a depth of grief I never could have imagined and wouldn't dream of wishing on anyone, there have been numerous blessings dispersed along the way. These past two years have taught me so much. About relationships. About loyalty, trust, and security. About faith, joy, and never-ending hope. Because of cancer, I hold my loved ones closer. Because of cancer, I pray, believe, and act more intently. Because of cancer, perseverance and determinations have taken on deeper meanings. Because of cancer, I have learned what it means to lament, to cry out to God in anguish, yet know that He is still there right beside me no matter what I am feeling.
I have been stretched, broken, molded, and reformed. I see life through much larger lenses, and I appreciate moments that tend to slip by unnoticed in seasons past. My character has been chiseled and refined. I am far more sensitive of what what compassion and empathy really mean. I have suffered great loss, and have experienced overwhelming gain. I have been blessed abundantly.
I have learned that we must live in the moment that God has for us today. We go through trials for a purpose. God allows us to endure unpleasant circumstances in order for growth and maturity to take place; to become more refined versions of ourselves. We can either embrace the change, moving forward with high hopes for our future, or turn around, desperately trying to hold onto something that once was. Moving forward opens opportunities for new blessings. Staying behind limits what's available for us.
As I continue to face living this life with cancer, I have a choice to make. Do I want to revert to the life I once had—one full of comfort, security, and predictability? Or do I embrace what God has allowed me to go through, and view it as an opportunity to experience new and exciting endeavors? Sure, the future is uncertain. There will be moments of great accomplishments and times of deep sadness.
But I have grown in this season for a purpose, and in the future I will continue to mature, as long as I embrace the process.
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