Although the ongoing joke is that #baldissexy and the list of why 'bald is better' continues to grow...it hasn't been until recently that I realized how much I miss my hair.
I mean, sure...there are SO many things that I love about not having hair. And I am completely serious about that. I don't miss my hair shedding on everything, especially my clothes. I love the extra time I get to sleep because I know my showers are quick, and I don't have to factor in the time it takes to do my hair. I find the feeling of the water pressure in the shower on my bald head to be like therapy. Plus... it is so much easier throwing on a hat!
But the thing that has most triggered my want for hair was getting ready for a wedding this last weekend. People were using curling irons all around me. Trying to figure out if they wanted to wear their hair up or down. Bobby pins, hair spray, braids, hair ties, hair dryers.
All of these things make me miss the feeling of femininity. I miss having to make the decision of curly or straight. I miss running my fingers through my hair in the shower. I miss braids and bobby pins and hair dryers.
And all of these things make me want this cancer journey to be over that much sooner. It has been almost 19 months since I was originally diagnosed, yet it feels like 5 years.
I don't even remember what it feels like to not have cancer anymore.
People ask me how I am feeling, and I almost always respond pretty good or fine. But that is because the constant nausea and extreme fatigue have become normal to me. If I am not feeling those things, I feel like something is wrong.
Healthy feels like lightyears away.
I am heading into round 8 of chemo this week, and more than anything... I wish it were my last. As of now, we have chemo planned out until December 6th (10th round), but I have scans in a couple weeks that will determine if the minimum 10 rounds is going to be enough. I pray and plead to God that it is.
And if it isn't...the only thing I can do is keep getting out of bed, keep choosing joy, and keep trusting God...
All while continuing to wake up and throw on a hat.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Cancer and College: It's hard work!
Staying in college while battling cancer is hard work.
We are only coming up on the 4th week, and I have already had many times that I felt like I was in way over my head, but then I also couldn't imagine not having work to keep my mind off things.
I am currently only taking 12 credits (four classes) and am not at a social work internship placement this semester. Which means I have 3 classes on Tu/Th and don't have classes on Mondays or Fridays, with only 1 night class on Wednesday
I do have some advice for fellow George Fox-ers though... Please don't tell me that you are jealous of my schedule. I know that you have not meant that statement in any demeaning way, but you do realize the reason my schedule is set up like that is because I have have cancer, right?
Sure, I have less classes than you.
Sure, I have less homework than you.
But I have a lot less more energy and time to do it than you.
I sit at the hospital every other Friday for anywhere from 5-10 hours doing chemotherapy, which is followed by 3-5 days of being unable to eat anything or get out of bed or off the couch.
This isn't directed at any one person because I have heard it many, many times from several different people. I know that no one's intentions are in the wrong place, but that is probably one thing I have had a hard time hearing...
I would gladly trade someone for their 16 credits, internship, and job for 12 credits and cancer. Any takers? ;)
Well now that I have that off my chest...
As you all know, we have set up our Etsy store and that has been taking off well! And most recently, we have started an EFF Cancer Movement facebook page! Now that has REALLY blown up! It has been just barely over 24 hours and we only need a little less than 150 more likes to reach a thousand!
I honestly could not be more blessed by the support of all of you in making this movement continue to spread! The money from these shirts are going straight to helping subsidize the medicals bills that I have piling up, and has made things a lot easier for me!
I have had a lot of hard days lately with just being exhausted and wanting this all to be over. I have been battling cancer for quite some time now, and it really does start to take a toll on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
I had someone the other day message me asking how I can still believe in a God that gave me cancer.
I know that God is not the one who gave me cancer because the God that I know cares for me and loves me. He weeps alongside of me, and holds my hand while I walk through this.
I continue to trust in Him and refuse to worry for He is my Strength and my Song. Because He is my Strength, He empowers me to handle every task as it comes. Because He is my Song, He gives me joy as I work alongside Him.
I know that He has a vision for my life, whether that is here on this Earth or in Heaven. He wants me safe and held, and I trust that His plan for my life is much greater than I could ever imagine.
So today, as I sit here still unsure of what this journey holds for me, I put my trust in Jesus, and promise to always give Him glory. Because this story of mine is not a testament of my own strength. It is a story that testifies God's strength given to those who need it and ask.
We are only coming up on the 4th week, and I have already had many times that I felt like I was in way over my head, but then I also couldn't imagine not having work to keep my mind off things.
I am currently only taking 12 credits (four classes) and am not at a social work internship placement this semester. Which means I have 3 classes on Tu/Th and don't have classes on Mondays or Fridays, with only 1 night class on Wednesday
I do have some advice for fellow George Fox-ers though... Please don't tell me that you are jealous of my schedule. I know that you have not meant that statement in any demeaning way, but you do realize the reason my schedule is set up like that is because I have have cancer, right?
Sure, I have less classes than you.
Sure, I have less homework than you.
But I have a lot less more energy and time to do it than you.
I sit at the hospital every other Friday for anywhere from 5-10 hours doing chemotherapy, which is followed by 3-5 days of being unable to eat anything or get out of bed or off the couch.
This isn't directed at any one person because I have heard it many, many times from several different people. I know that no one's intentions are in the wrong place, but that is probably one thing I have had a hard time hearing...
I would gladly trade someone for their 16 credits, internship, and job for 12 credits and cancer. Any takers? ;)
Well now that I have that off my chest...
As you all know, we have set up our Etsy store and that has been taking off well! And most recently, we have started an EFF Cancer Movement facebook page! Now that has REALLY blown up! It has been just barely over 24 hours and we only need a little less than 150 more likes to reach a thousand!
I honestly could not be more blessed by the support of all of you in making this movement continue to spread! The money from these shirts are going straight to helping subsidize the medicals bills that I have piling up, and has made things a lot easier for me!
I have had a lot of hard days lately with just being exhausted and wanting this all to be over. I have been battling cancer for quite some time now, and it really does start to take a toll on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
I had someone the other day message me asking how I can still believe in a God that gave me cancer.
I know that God is not the one who gave me cancer because the God that I know cares for me and loves me. He weeps alongside of me, and holds my hand while I walk through this.
I continue to trust in Him and refuse to worry for He is my Strength and my Song. Because He is my Strength, He empowers me to handle every task as it comes. Because He is my Song, He gives me joy as I work alongside Him.
I know that He has a vision for my life, whether that is here on this Earth or in Heaven. He wants me safe and held, and I trust that His plan for my life is much greater than I could ever imagine.
So today, as I sit here still unsure of what this journey holds for me, I put my trust in Jesus, and promise to always give Him glory. Because this story of mine is not a testament of my own strength. It is a story that testifies God's strength given to those who need it and ask.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Shaving Heads and Eff Cancer
Wow, it has been awhile since I have posted on my blog, but I wanted to thank you all for your continued love and support! As this cancer journey continues to be a rough one, I have been extremely blessed to have the support of my friends and family during this all.
For a short little update, I just finished my 4th round of chemo last week and have upcoming scans later this week. Be praying that this treatment is showing improvement! I will also be starting school this upcoming Tuesday, so another prayer request is for an unfathomable amount of energy to be able to continue going to classes, doing treatment, and just enjoying life as a college student. I have recently moved into a new house (many people have been asking about this), that was just a deal that I would be a fool not to take. The house is owned by two of my good friends, and living here will be a "safe haven" for me, as well as take some stress off my back financially.
Another thing that you might have missed somehow... I shaved my head right before my hair started falling out. And in order to make this be a milestone in my journey that I will remember... I had a party!! My friend Megan documented it all and made this beautiful video that you should check out!!
But in fun, big news regarding the #effcancermovement2013 that I shared about in a past post...We jumped from sales of the original 20 shirts to 440 sold shirts in just 4 months! These shirts have mainly just been spread by word of mouth through facebook, instagram, conversations when wearing it, etc.
This has shot way past what we could have ever imagined to happen with these shirts, but we are extremely grateful for all those who have helped us out in getting here.
That being said....
I am extremely excited to announce the opening of our Eff Cancer Etsy shop!!!
We decided that we wanted to take it up a step in sales in a more sustainable way, and an Etsy shop seemed like the perfect idea! (we already feel less stressed!)
Something we have realized is that everyone has been affected by cancer in some way, and these t-shirts are a great way to show their support. We are happy to supply the shirts whether or not they are specifically buying one to support me, or if it is for someone they know and love.
For a short little update, I just finished my 4th round of chemo last week and have upcoming scans later this week. Be praying that this treatment is showing improvement! I will also be starting school this upcoming Tuesday, so another prayer request is for an unfathomable amount of energy to be able to continue going to classes, doing treatment, and just enjoying life as a college student. I have recently moved into a new house (many people have been asking about this), that was just a deal that I would be a fool not to take. The house is owned by two of my good friends, and living here will be a "safe haven" for me, as well as take some stress off my back financially.
Another thing that you might have missed somehow... I shaved my head right before my hair started falling out. And in order to make this be a milestone in my journey that I will remember... I had a party!! My friend Megan documented it all and made this beautiful video that you should check out!!
But in fun, big news regarding the #effcancermovement2013 that I shared about in a past post...We jumped from sales of the original 20 shirts to 440 sold shirts in just 4 months! These shirts have mainly just been spread by word of mouth through facebook, instagram, conversations when wearing it, etc.
This has shot way past what we could have ever imagined to happen with these shirts, but we are extremely grateful for all those who have helped us out in getting here.
That being said....
I am extremely excited to announce the opening of our Eff Cancer Etsy shop!!!
We decided that we wanted to take it up a step in sales in a more sustainable way, and an Etsy shop seemed like the perfect idea! (we already feel less stressed!)
Something we have realized is that everyone has been affected by cancer in some way, and these t-shirts are a great way to show their support. We are happy to supply the shirts whether or not they are specifically buying one to support me, or if it is for someone they know and love.
The majority of the profit still goes towards helping me with my growing medical expenses as I continue treatments and all the little things continue to add up.
So please! Join the movement! Spread the word about our shop!
(I even added a little Etsy Badge at the top of my right side toolbar that goes directly to the Etsy account!)
We also have another fun something related to the #effcancermovement2013 that will happen at the beginning of October, so be watching for it!
Thank you all for your continued prayers. They truly mean a lot.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Some Updates. Some Thoughts.
It's been awhile since I have wrote on here.
Mainly because I don't know where to start.
As many of you know, I changed to a more aggressive treatment plan at the beginning of July. This decision was unplanned and quick. After talking to a friend of mine about my doctor's treatment plans for me, she asked if I would consider getting a second opinion from her doctor. And within 2 days, I got that second opinion. The treatment I was doing before was proving not to be successful, so we decided to cut out a couple steps in my actual plan to get where I am now.
I started a chemotherapy known as R-CHOP. I go in once every two weeks for a long 8 hours. Once we do several rounds of this, we will do scans to see if there is any progress. If there is, then praise the Lord that we have found something that is working! If not, we will begin our preparations for a bone marrow transplant.
This new chemo has proven to definitely be more aggressive. After my first round, I slept for an uncountable amount of hours during the three days following, and had a hard time eating anything but mashed potatoes for 2 weeks. I just had my second round yesterday, and some things are opposite! Some good news is that we found a nausea med that is working better than others, but it is $150 a pill! The doctors have been kind enough to keep giving me "samples" of this med, which has allowed me to feel a bit better than before.
As for the opposite side effect though, I am beginning to experience insomnia. Last night I slept from about 10pm-12am and then 2am-4am. And I have now been awake ever since other than some extremely short cat naps here and there. My body is aching with exhaustion.
When I woke up for the third time at 4am, I was exhausted and upset. I wanted to sleep. It was so silent and I laid there in the dark and soon began crying. Before I was so upset that I was always sleeping, and now I am upset that I can't sleep!
Although not sleeping is definitely not ideal, I can't help but be thankful for the time I got to spend in solitude with Christ. After realizing that I wasn't going to fall asleep, I turned on some worship.
Through lyrics, I was reminded that He promises us that we are not alone.
He is there to bring healing to the hurting.
He is there to bring comfort to the worried.
He is there to turn my mourning into dancing.
As I spring forward to what tomorrow holds for me, I was reminded that although I may be weak, His Spirit is strong in me. And although my flesh my fail, He never will.
Tomorrow evening I will be getting branded by the "cancer stamp" if you will. Because my hair has continually starting thinning a lot more than usual and today my head has started feeling a bit tingly, I will be shaving my head.
I have avoided thinking/talking about it because although I have been battling cancer on and off for a year and a half now, I have not had to deal with people knowing unless I told them.
With a picc line in my arm, and no hair on my head... I won't have to tell anyone. This is a big step in my journey and I am blessed to have a huge group of people to be here to join me in making this a milestone in my journey.
I am nervous and definitely not looking forward to tomorrow, but I continue to tell myself these four things.
1. God is good.
2. I am not alone in this.
3. This is another step to health.
4. #baldissexy
Mainly because I don't know where to start.
As many of you know, I changed to a more aggressive treatment plan at the beginning of July. This decision was unplanned and quick. After talking to a friend of mine about my doctor's treatment plans for me, she asked if I would consider getting a second opinion from her doctor. And within 2 days, I got that second opinion. The treatment I was doing before was proving not to be successful, so we decided to cut out a couple steps in my actual plan to get where I am now.
I started a chemotherapy known as R-CHOP. I go in once every two weeks for a long 8 hours. Once we do several rounds of this, we will do scans to see if there is any progress. If there is, then praise the Lord that we have found something that is working! If not, we will begin our preparations for a bone marrow transplant.
This new chemo has proven to definitely be more aggressive. After my first round, I slept for an uncountable amount of hours during the three days following, and had a hard time eating anything but mashed potatoes for 2 weeks. I just had my second round yesterday, and some things are opposite! Some good news is that we found a nausea med that is working better than others, but it is $150 a pill! The doctors have been kind enough to keep giving me "samples" of this med, which has allowed me to feel a bit better than before.
As for the opposite side effect though, I am beginning to experience insomnia. Last night I slept from about 10pm-12am and then 2am-4am. And I have now been awake ever since other than some extremely short cat naps here and there. My body is aching with exhaustion.
When I woke up for the third time at 4am, I was exhausted and upset. I wanted to sleep. It was so silent and I laid there in the dark and soon began crying. Before I was so upset that I was always sleeping, and now I am upset that I can't sleep!
Although not sleeping is definitely not ideal, I can't help but be thankful for the time I got to spend in solitude with Christ. After realizing that I wasn't going to fall asleep, I turned on some worship.
Through lyrics, I was reminded that He promises us that we are not alone.
He is there to bring healing to the hurting.
He is there to bring comfort to the worried.
He is there to turn my mourning into dancing.
As I spring forward to what tomorrow holds for me, I was reminded that although I may be weak, His Spirit is strong in me. And although my flesh my fail, He never will.
Tomorrow evening I will be getting branded by the "cancer stamp" if you will. Because my hair has continually starting thinning a lot more than usual and today my head has started feeling a bit tingly, I will be shaving my head.
I have avoided thinking/talking about it because although I have been battling cancer on and off for a year and a half now, I have not had to deal with people knowing unless I told them.
With a picc line in my arm, and no hair on my head... I won't have to tell anyone. This is a big step in my journey and I am blessed to have a huge group of people to be here to join me in making this a milestone in my journey.
I am nervous and definitely not looking forward to tomorrow, but I continue to tell myself these four things.
1. God is good.
2. I am not alone in this.
3. This is another step to health.
4. #baldissexy
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Purpose in the Pain
Nausea from treatment had been hitting me pretty hard lately, so when I got really sick the other night, it didn't really seem like a big deal.
Then I woke up the next morning with a weirdly tight chest and it hurt to take deep breaths, but last time this happened it was because I had a cold (which I have now too), and I was throwing up a lot. So I just figured it was because of that.
Side note: If you ever have a hard time breathing, don't be stubborn or assume anything like me. Go to the doctors.
Then the following morning when I took a shower and that made it harder to breath and I got dizzy, I knew something was not right.
When I got to ER they instantly started poking and prodding me with needles and swabs. Then what seemed like hours later, I was left waiting for results with an IV and an oxygen breathing thing.
The results came back as an infection that had spread into my lungs.
*switch antibiotics hooked up to iv*
*shot in the arm*
Okay. Not Bad. Treatable.
Then they found some blood clotting in my lungs.
*insert another IV here*
*two shots in the stomach*
Again. Not too bad. Treatable.
I sat there for the next 8 hours with two IVs and my oxygen breathing thing, unable to fully lay down because that hurt my chest and made it hard to breath.
Then around 7pm the doctors decided that I was going to be on a 2 hour wait and watch period before I could go home so they could make sure that my breathing was better, and that my temperature was back to normal.
All of a sudden I was getting really hot. My chest started to have sharp pains. It was hard to breath. The machine hooked up to me started beeping.
Then all I remember next was waking up several hours later.
My doctors explained that I went into septic shock because my picc line was infected and it had gotten into my bloodstream (something I have had my doctors test before because I had a visible rash, but they came back negative).
Then they began to explain how most people with this bad of an infection do not make it out of septic shock without any worse problems, or even alive.
"You are quite the fighter, young missy" is what they kept saying to me over and over.
I walk away from this experience not prideful of my strength, but humbled by the knowledge that the Lord is not done with me yet.
With all of the pain and nausea from treatments, I am reminded daily that this is not our Home, and have even thought about the fact that Home could be so accessible to me if I ever decided to discontinue treatments (just so you know: I have never intended to stop treatments, and would never do that).
When I see Christ in Heaven, I want to cross the finish line with no short cuts. Standing fully unashamed, knowing that I have endured all for His name sake.
I have been doing a study with a friend through Philippians, and for Paul, departing this life was easier and preferable. He knew that death was not defeat, but rather a graduation to glory. But he resolved that God would keep him aline since it was better for the church's sake that he live on to help them grow.
I believe that my life, even a life with pain that leaves me tears and scary incidents that leave me unconscious, can bring glory to God and growth to His bride.
I have a purpose. A great one. And in sickness and in health, I can live that purpose out:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself." Luke 10:27.
Then I woke up the next morning with a weirdly tight chest and it hurt to take deep breaths, but last time this happened it was because I had a cold (which I have now too), and I was throwing up a lot. So I just figured it was because of that.
Side note: If you ever have a hard time breathing, don't be stubborn or assume anything like me. Go to the doctors.
Then the following morning when I took a shower and that made it harder to breath and I got dizzy, I knew something was not right.
When I got to ER they instantly started poking and prodding me with needles and swabs. Then what seemed like hours later, I was left waiting for results with an IV and an oxygen breathing thing.
The results came back as an infection that had spread into my lungs.
*switch antibiotics hooked up to iv*
*shot in the arm*
Okay. Not Bad. Treatable.
Then they found some blood clotting in my lungs.
*insert another IV here*
*two shots in the stomach*
Again. Not too bad. Treatable.
I sat there for the next 8 hours with two IVs and my oxygen breathing thing, unable to fully lay down because that hurt my chest and made it hard to breath.
Then around 7pm the doctors decided that I was going to be on a 2 hour wait and watch period before I could go home so they could make sure that my breathing was better, and that my temperature was back to normal.
All of a sudden I was getting really hot. My chest started to have sharp pains. It was hard to breath. The machine hooked up to me started beeping.
Then all I remember next was waking up several hours later.
My doctors explained that I went into septic shock because my picc line was infected and it had gotten into my bloodstream (something I have had my doctors test before because I had a visible rash, but they came back negative).
Then they began to explain how most people with this bad of an infection do not make it out of septic shock without any worse problems, or even alive.
"You are quite the fighter, young missy" is what they kept saying to me over and over.
I walk away from this experience not prideful of my strength, but humbled by the knowledge that the Lord is not done with me yet.
With all of the pain and nausea from treatments, I am reminded daily that this is not our Home, and have even thought about the fact that Home could be so accessible to me if I ever decided to discontinue treatments (just so you know: I have never intended to stop treatments, and would never do that).
When I see Christ in Heaven, I want to cross the finish line with no short cuts. Standing fully unashamed, knowing that I have endured all for His name sake.
I have been doing a study with a friend through Philippians, and for Paul, departing this life was easier and preferable. He knew that death was not defeat, but rather a graduation to glory. But he resolved that God would keep him aline since it was better for the church's sake that he live on to help them grow.
I believe that my life, even a life with pain that leaves me tears and scary incidents that leave me unconscious, can bring glory to God and growth to His bride.
I have a purpose. A great one. And in sickness and in health, I can live that purpose out:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself." Luke 10:27.
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