Vent Session Much?

I have a ton on my mind, but cannot seem to get it out.

So this blog is basically going to a complete venting session.

I really need to clear my head.

Soooo.... Here it goes.

Words that come to mind when I think about my college experience so far:

Amazing.

Horrible. 

Confusing. 

Blessed. 

Hard. 

Time Consuming. 

Stressful. 

Fun. 

Great. 

Interesting. 

There are so many opportunities here and I know I am only a freshman still, but I really need answers. I am a planner. I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing and when I am going to be doing it. I definitely know that God has a plan for me, but I hate waiting around to figure it out. My patience has been very slim lately, probably due to lack of sleep. George Fox was my choice of college and will never ever regret that, but why is it so hard for this place to be all that I wanted? But then again, what was I really expecting when I came here? 

Things are so stressful lately that I feel like I am breaking down in a way. I mean I am making friends, having fun, love my floor, doing fine in classes... What more could I ask for? God is blessing me with so much, but for some reason I am having a hard time not wanting more. College is something I have been waiting for... The opportunity to break free from home and start the biggest change in my life. I finally am able to watch over myself and do things that I want to do, but why do I dislike it more than I ever thought I would?

I have been given the opportunity to be a Spiritual Life leader on my floor along with 3 others. But why is this position so hard to choose. God has opened that door for me, but is softball the door He is closing in place of that? I wish it was so much easier than this. A desire of my heart is to share with people my testimony to glorify God because He has been so wonderful to me, but where will this most be effective? My floor is so great and I really believe that He is calling me to do it, but what about the softball team that I so dearly love? 

Leaving home has been one of the greatest, yet worst things about college. I was ready to be free. I wanted so badly to get away. But who knew it would be so hard at the same time because broken relationships remained broken. I truly believe that I have planted a seed of Christ back home. I have shared all that I can. I was Christ-like and I can't think of anything else to do. Why are some relationships so much harder to mend than others?

One super hard thing to get used to is the fact that I no longer have my support system here. All of Calvary Community and several in Kalama have helped me SO much in my relationship with the Lord in my brightest times and my definite worst times. Everyone here at George Fox are all truly amazing, but I miss the people who have helped get me where I am at. I feel like a piece of me is missing sometimes. I keep in contact with all of them, but I hate not seeing them twice a week like I normally would. I know this is all part of the moving away for college experience, but who knew it would be so hard? I know that I will never lose these close relationships, but how will they ever be the same if I don't get to see or talk to them regularly?

There are so many unanswered questions and it drives me up the wall! God, please just help me understand where you are going with all this. All my frustration has been causing me to be somewhat bitter and that is SO not like me. It may all be lack of sleep, once again... But often I find myself just laying in bed just thinking for hours on end because a full mind keeps me from drifting off. Lord, please keep this bitterness away!

Like most other nights, I have been up long enough tonight thinking about EVERYTHING. Now that I have gotten it all off my chest, I wonder if it will be easier to fall asleep?