Drained.

For my Life of Christ class, we were given Soul Training Exercises to do weekly and journal about them. This week's exercise was:

"Take a facebook/texting/internet fast this wee for a specific time period—at least 8 waking hours. See if you are able to commit to longer. How hard was this for you? WHat kind of faults things does media immersion teach you? How did your spirit respond to being away from technological connection for a day? Journal"

This is my journal entry for this exercise, and is exactly how I am feeling right now.

I think this media fast just brought out a lot of emotion from me. I did it from 3-11pm and even though it was only 8 hours… I feel like it was EXTREMELY hard. I feel like I definitely got a lot done, homework wise. I did a lot of reading and just sitting around. It was weird to not be on my laptop though. Whether it be for doing homework, getting on facebook, skyping with friends/family, watching TV episodes… Everything was hard. It was really tempting to pick up my laptop when I finished an essay or when I got bored with a book. It’s crazy to me how much time I do spend on my phone or computer. I have always heard the saying, “What if instead of being on facebook, you read your Bible? How much do you think you would know?” And through this fast, I realized that I would be VERY knowledgeable biblically if I spent my time in the Word rather than online.

I truly believe that the hardest thing for me was that I wasn’t in constant contact with everyone. When I was taking a break from homework at one point, I found myself in tears. And completely helpless at the time too. Just sitting in my room, home alone, with no technological connection to people… It made me super emotional. It got me thinking about how stressful this year is going to be and how I am not going to have like any time to visit anyone. I will be working 24 hours a week at Farm to Fork in Dundee, taking 17 credits this semester and 16 next semester, and with all the time I will have to be studying… I feel like all year I am going to be COMPLETELY stressed and tired. I cried because I felt like I had nothing else to do. Just last night I was in tears laying in my bed, clutching my baby blanket and Braveheart Care Bear that my Nana got me for my 3^rd birthday (gosh I miss her SO much), and saying to myself, “I wish this wasn’t going to be so hard. I just want to quit and go home.” I found myself missing my family, friends back home, and all my church family and friends more than ever.

I think it’s insane that this media fast is what had me in tears. I guess when I have all the time in the world to sit and think, everything surfaces. Media immersion has completely blocked out the things I have been feeling inside. I get so caught up in reading the latest “statuses” or worrying about how many points my next Words with Friends word will get me, that I don’t ever think about what I really feel like. I think I truly do need to stray away from how much I am connected to the media in order to keep my emotions in check. I feel like if I continue to keep my emotions bottled up inside I may have a very unpleasant breakdown at some point. Or I just need to start journaling no matter what. Because I feel like if don't express myself healthily, I really feel like I am just going to have to attitude of wanting to give up all the time. Lord, I just want to take the time to pray that you continue to give me the strength to make it through each day. Amen.