Disconnection

Today as I went out back and sat in the sun by myself with a book, I felt this whoosh of serenity take over me. It was a kind of calm that I have not yet felt these last couple weeks.

I have found myself so...worried...no, that's not the right word... more like inclined, to make sure everyone knows what it going on. I wanted encouragement. I wanted prayer. I just wanted to stay connected to people through this because I thought that if I had time alone to think, I would just want to break down. But I must admit, almost every time I do find myself alone–my mind wanders way farther than it should and I do end up crying most of the time.

And it's not that I don't want encouragement, prayer and some alone time, but not to the extent to where I find myself buried. I was talking to a friend about this and she said it perfectly.

"In situations like this, people come up out of the woodwork."

And it's SO true. I mean, I am not discounting anyone's concern for what is going on in my life right now, because I am almost positive I am the same way in situations like this. But, if I haven't talked to you in years, you're probably not going to be the first person I call or text when I am feeling well enough to visit people. I don't want to sound rude by any means, but it's the truth.

I get text after text from people that never wanted to hang out with me when I came home before, but now that there is "a story to tell," they act as if we've been best friends since kindergarten. I find myself super irritated when I get texts from these same people, over and over, even after I told them specifically, "If I feel up to having you over, I will let you know." Hint Hint.

I really don't mean for this to be bashing anyone who has done this, but I am tired. Enough said.

I also don't want this to sound like I hate when people come over because that is absolutely not true.

There is someone that I have had come over almost every day since I have been back, and I don't think I would want it any other way. There are people that I love texting throughout the day because they can make me smile even when I am not anywhere near them. There are people that I just want to talk to because they have always been there for me. When I am connected to these people, I feel happy. I don't feel overwhelmed because I want them to be able to love me through this. 

But today as I sat by myself outside, I was able to just be. 

I didn't have anything to worry about besides how much sunscreen to put on. (which I guess didn't matter anyways because I got a little burnt) =/

These last few weeks I think I have always been unconsciously overwhelmed, but it did not completely surface today. 

My phone is constantly going off. Whether it be phone calls or texts, I feel like my phone never leave my hands. My facebook/email is constantly blowing up. Whether it be messages or wall posts, I feel like I am constantly replying to something.

I think what I am basically getting at is that I just want to disappear... Wouldn't that just be awesome? I feel like I am totally contradicting today though because I had such a wonderful visit this morning that made my heart completely happy, but now I feel like crawling in hole and not talking to anyone.

I want some time to just be able to think on my own and maybe even get some journaling done because that is something that I have wanted to do but fill my awake time with visits. 

So all that being said, I think I have come to a conclusion...

Tomorrow I am going to shut off my phone, turn off my computer, and disconnect myself.