Focus on the Light

I have spent the night wrestling with children, having tickle fights, eating baked mac n cheese and dino nuggets, watching Pocahontas, reading bedtime books, and tucking them into bed. 

I don't think that I can remember the last time I had the energy to do that.

I try not to think about how much I probably missed out on in the last 8 months of my life because this battle has not only changed me, but also people around me. If I could turn back in time and be faced with this situation again, I would gladly experience it ten times over, just to see what a wonderful effect it has had on me and the people around me.

Challenges like this define a person, not by what we experience, but by how we respond to that experience. 

When we are faced with something that seems so much bigger than imaginable, we figure out who we really are on the inside but what we do with the experience. 

I think about what was going on before I got cancer. I had just built many new friendships that were helping me realize that despite my broken past, I was whole and that my story is beautiful. I was preparing for my trip to Romania. I had been accepted into the social work program, and everything seemed right on track. I was blissfully unaware of what was about to happen.

Although my life drastically changed, I am thankful to say that I had such an amazing support system that there was no way I was going to let this beat me down.

I truly believe that there is nothing that can happen to a person that can overwhelm or devastate them, unless they allow it. The secret to conquering any darkness is to always stay completely focused on the light. 

People keep telling me to "fight the fight," but if you were in a dark room, it does no good to punch your way through in an attempt to "fight the dark" The only way to make the darkness go away is to, quite simply, calmly locate the light switch and flip it to the on position. 

Darkness can only be replaced, it cannot be fought. 

And this directly applies as to how I dealt with my own war... I don't believe that I was fighting cancer. I was replacing the abnormal cells with a healthy set.

My daily thoughts were filled with dreams of a healthy, cancer-free body. I spent all my waking moments imagining that all my cells were healthy, vibrant, alive, active, and doing the job they are supposed to do... what they were intended to do.

Today is one of the first days where I feel like that is happening. 

We spent 8 months actively working on removing the cells that went haywire, through chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Then I went through the process of replacing those cells with blood transfusions and many shots. 

This is the "replacing the negative with the positive" thought process that helped me heal every day.

It is a dramatic shift in perception.

I don't have horrible looking scars. I have wounds that remind me that I am courageous. 

I didn't lose my hair. I chose to cut it off and give it away to someone who needs it more than me.

I didn't experience "extreme fatigue". I took much needed naps and spoiled myself with more rest than I deserved.

I am not surviving non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I am a woman who is living each day the way it is supposed to be lived... full of life, love, joy, and laughter.

This is not the "year I battled cancer". This is the year I welcomed a fresh new healthy body.

I was not diagnosed with a terminal illness. I have been blessed with a reminder that it is important to live each day to its fullest and thank God that He made me whole again. 

We can't all live life in anticipation of death. The fact is, we are all suffering from a terminal illness. We are all dying...eventually.

And just because I was diagnosed with cancer doesn't mean I know how I am going to die. A random speeding bus could hit me tomorrow. So does it make sense to live my life worrying about random buses? Absolutely not. 

Nor will I live out the rest of my life worrying about my cancer.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4.