Not Always Easy

Never in my life would I ever think that age 20 I would be reading blogs, watching videos, and talking to others about how women deal with infertility.

Just a couple weeks ago my doctors informed me that it would be a miracle if I ever had children of my own due to the mass amount of treatments that were targeted to that area of my body.

It has definitely taken me a lot of processing and conversations to allow me to fully grasp the idea that I will have to tell my future husband that kids of our own may not be a possibility.

I write this with tears in my eyes because having children is something that I have always dreamed about, and the idea of it maybe never happening is heartbreaking.

There are so many people around me that are trying to get pregnant, and it breaks my heart because there is a huge possibility that will be me someday.

Then there are so many people around me having children, whom I am unbelievably happy and excited for, but holding those babies puts a bigger want in my heart. But the one thing that blesses me about these babies is that many of them have come after years of trying. That just proves to me that God really does do thing in his own timing.

I think God has given me a heart that loves deeply and truly. Whether or not I am able to have my own children someday will not hinder my ability to become a mom.

If there is something I have learned about my own story, it's that there can be so much redemption in someone's life when they become surrounded by positive people.

I have tried to say that this news has been a lot easier since having children is not something that is in my near future, but having it be something that is constantly coming up in conversation puts it on my mind. This all just makes me think of a friend who was told that she would not be able to have her children after chemo, radiation, and a stem cell transplant... And she is now on her third. She has helped me remember that doctor's 0% could easily be God's 100%.

I don't know what the journey to motherhood will look like for me, but I am putting my trust in a God who knows my heart.