God With Us

Man, I have just felt like writing lately! It's just that God is so good that I can't help but share!

This morning was probably the 3rd time I have went to Sunday church since I have been in Newberg this semester. I have gone home and went to Calvary a couple times, but I just haven't been here that much at all. And it's funny the excuses I come up with. Honestly, I did work Sunday mornings for the longest time—so there wasn't really a way out of that one. But when I started working Sunday nights, I still always had a reason not to get up in the morning. This morning was different though. I felt compelled to go. I got up at 8am. Went on a run. Came home. Got ready. And went to the 11am service at Newberg Foursquare.

And this morning was JUST what I needed to hear. Isn't it amazing how God works?
Today we talked about "God With Us. Discovering How God Relates To Us"

The problem is sin. 


Instead of with God, we live in a place called shame.
When I had coffee with Melanie the other day, the word shame came up. She simply asked if that was something I felt. And I clearly remember saying, "I think I am past the shame part of it..."

But in reality... I tried to think of how I do feel about my past. And shame is honestly the only word that comes to mind. It's hard not to be shameful of things that I've done. Shame dates back to Adam and Eve when sin first entered this world.
Genesis 3:10—"He answered, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." 
Even though God knows what happened, we live in this world where all of our effort goes to figuring out how we can hide what we've done. I can honestly say that I have lived my life to hide my past from everyone else. I show the "put together" side of me, day in and day out.

Instead of with God, we live in a place called denial. 
Think back to all of the times where you have taken your sin and tried to put the blame on something other than yourself. I do it all the time! Why did you go to that party, Haley—Well SHE said that it would be fun and the cool thing to do! This denial also dates back to Adam and Eve.
Genesis 3:12-13—"The man said, "The woman, you put here with me—She gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it." Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, so I ate."
Adam blames God. Eve blames the serpent. Denial happens all the time. I can even remember back in high school when my PE teacher asked me if the "rumors were true" and I was quick to say, "Do you believe everything you hear? No they're not true." But of course—They definitely were.

Instead of with God, we live in a place called separation.
Separation. This is probably the hardest part of this cycle. I'm sure at one point in your life you have heard or said, "I've got to get back to God." But the truth is, we can't get back to God—Only Jesus can get us there. And once again, this dates back to the Garden of Eden.
Genesis 3:23-24, "So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life."
That tree of life is something we all constantly strive to get to. We want eternal life in heaven. But that flaming sword, the sin in our life, separates us from that.

The answer is Jesus.


Jesus came to deal with our sin.
The first step that we need to realize is that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. As long as we ask for forgiveness, we should not have shame for our sins. He carried that to the cross with him.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19, "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that God was reconciling the world himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation." 
God does not count our sins against us!

Jesus came to bring us back to God.
I think sometimes we forget that Jesus died for our sins so that we wouldn't have to. He was the ULTIMATE sacrifice. "For God so loved the world..." I think you know the rest of that one!
1 Peter 3:18, "For Christ died for our sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body, but made alive in the Spirit."
Christ died for us so that we could go back to God. Only through Jesus can we get there.

Jesus came to reunite us with God.
Once we realize that Jesus died for our sin and our shame, that is when we can truly live. That is when we can be reunited with Our King, the Lord God Almighty.
Colossians 1:19-22, "For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."
We are HOLY in his sight. WITHOUT blames. FREE from accusation.

The problem is sin. The answer is Jesus.

I think that shame is something that I will always struggle with, but to know that Christ died for that is simply amazing. He died so that we could be reunited with God and be able to get past that flaming sword to the Tree of Life.

Lord, thank you for giving us an 

answer to our sin. Without that, we

would be lost in a world of shame, 

denial, and separation. I pray that You 

continue to guide me through this life 

without having to deal with my shame.

Blessed Beyond Belief

It is probably one of the greatest feelings in life when you have experiences that you just know that it is God sitting by your side.

Lately I have been in this slump where I feel like things just haven't really been going my way. My grades aren't as good as I would like them, I am really struggling financially, I am not having a year where I feel included in the "George Fox Community" because I am living off campus, I am just getting over a nasty flu, and I am homesick more than I thought I would ever be.

But today has just been a HUGE blessing to me all around. It's one of those days that makes me realize that God really deserves so much more. I mean, I truly thank God for who I am today and I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Him, but how is it fair to Him that every time something bad goes wrong—I turn to Him and blame Him. In my last post I talked about how sometimes we think life should be fair because God is fair. But God is not life. God IS fair. But when things in life go wrong, by no means was it God trying to make "life unfair." God deserves so much more of me.

Today's Blessings:

• I have had a really nasty flu the last couple of weeks and today I woke up feeling better! I mean I am definitely not AMAZING, but I am not throwing up everywhere anymore.
• I had a coffee date with Melanie Hulbert and it was... simply wonderful. (Coffee wasn't an amazing choice after just getting over the flu, but it was great nonetheless.) Having coffee with Melanie reminded me of a quote I heard in a movie in my Social Work class the other day. "To be listened to and understood by someone who doesn't necessarily have to care...That's true comfort." Melanie genuinely wanted to know my story. And it was a blessing that I was able to share it.
• Today I got mail in my campus mail box and I still do not know the sender. What it had in it was a Bible verse and $200 cash. The front said "Haley Bellows #4777" and that was it. When I opened this, I teared up. I am SUPER struggling financially right now. My hours got cut at work, I can't find a second job, and I am behind on rent. And on top of that—My classes for Spring Semester got dropped because I have a financial hold on my account that has to be paid off by January 9th. This is probably one of the biggest blessings I have ever received and I FOREVER thankful for whoever did this. 
• I applied for a Serve Trip recently and received an interview for it! The chance to go over seas is something that I have been praying about for A LONG time and would be an answer to my prayers. I know that God closes doors just as fast as He opens them, so I know that if I don't make it–He has bigger and better plans for me. Interview is tomorrow at 11 and I will know by next week sometime if I made the team or not!
• And just an ending note to me being homesick—FINALS ARE ALMOST HERE! As much as those stress me out–I am ready for this semester to be over. =)

This verse is one that I have held on to for a long time. My junior year, after some huge things happened in my life, I went to the winter retreat. I took a 2 hour walk in the woods with Chrissy Shelton and that is a walk that changed my life. That night in the cabin–She hopped onto my bed and showed me this verse. And this just so happened to be the verse that was in the anonymous envelope in my mail today too.

"And we that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."—Romans 8:28

Also included on my note was: "God is might...keep working, seeking, smiling, and believing!"

Lord, You are so good.

Thank You for showing Yourself in

a way that I could never deny You.

You make all things work together 

for my good and I am forever thankful

to have such a protective God.

A Challenge To Myself

"We tend to think, "Life should be fair because God is fair." But God is not life. And if I confuse God with the physical reality of life—then I set myself up for crashing disappointment." 
Philip Yancey; Disappointment With God.

I have been reading this book lately because I feel like I have some anger that is built up in me. Although I know that anger is an emotion that is prevalent in everyone's lives... It just seems as if the social norm here at Fox is to keep that type of emotion hidden. It's not every day that I see someone expressing their anger in any way. At Fox, it seems as if anger is like a deep dark secret.

Lately I have found myself in great conversation with so many people. I have had several people open up to me with their life story and although I find it a complete blessing to be able to listen how amazing God truly is... I find myself slowly building up little bits of anger towards God. I have found myself wondering why I was the one God chose to go through certain things. And I truly do hate getting these feelings, but I don't know how to stop it.

I wouldn't say that I am blessed to have gone through what I have, but I would say that I am somewhat okay with coming from a different side of the path than a lot of people here.. Most of the people I have talked to, they are openly opinionated about those who have drank or done anything adulterous in the past. So when sitting there talking to these people, how am I able to open up with my testimony now knowing how they feel about things that I have done?

Coming to Fox is honestly the best decision I have ever made, but I never realized how hard it would be to truly be myself. I want to be able to be completely open with people about my life because I have grown to not be completely ashamed of my past. I know that the Lord has forgiven me for those things, but I don't want to be criticized by others so instead I choose to let people see the "put together" side of me rather than the broken side.

And this is where the quote from Disappointment with God comes in. I just wish that life could be fair! I am constantly setting myself up to be disappointed because I always have that little bit of hope that since I have gone through so many trials, God will be gracious to me and let me have at least a couple easy months here and there. I just can't help but be jealous of those who come from a Christian home. Is it bad that I just want to meet someone that has as broken as a background as me so that I know I am not alone in this place?

Last night we had a Women's Ministry Night here at Fox and it was absolutely wonderful. Melanie Hulbert shared her story and the group had an amazing night of worship together. There is just something about bringing things out of darkness and into the light.

Something that I am continuing to challenge myself to do is to be thankful of the trials I have gone through because (not trying to give the cliche answer here) I truly would not be who I am today without these trials. I am challenging myself to be open. I have opened up to a couple people here and there, and even doing that has been outside of my comfort zone. So I am challenging myself to not necessarily be completely transparent, but to not be afraid to share my story just because of what other people might think.

Lord, I don't think I thank You enough

for the many blessings You have 

provided me with in my life. 

You are the one who controls my life

and I am learning to be okay with going

 through whatever You throw my way. 

Walls.

My friend, Robert Hall, from school wrote this on his tumbler and I couldn't help but share it. 

Simply amazing.

"For some reason we like to tell guarded people to "let their walls down" as if to say that by putting up walls they are becoming totally inwardly-focused creatures, inhuman in their supposed solitude. We encourage them to "let other people in" as an alternative to have walls. But what would they be letting people in to if they didn't keep their walls up? Walls are what define rooms, rooms which we use to protect those things that are dear to us: memories, regrets, dreams, burdens... We keep these in basements and attics and closets, places that, without walls, wouldn't be of much use. So aren't walls a good thing? If there are room, defined spaces, people can invite other people in, and there, with those walls around them, they will find joy, freedom, innocence, belonging, and more. SOmetimes they'll uncover wounds, feel shame, shed tears, scream profanities, and collapse in anguish. But right there with them will be a friend, a brother, a mentor, a peer, a student. We all need walls in our lives, boundaries that protect us but more importantly give us the opportunity to actively invite people in for a glimpse of our hearts. I would venture to say that walls are perfectly acceptable. Just make sure to build a door."

I honestly could not have said this better myself. I don't think I could count how many people told me in my past to take my walls down. And up until reading this, I have always tried to make sure I am not building walls. But Robert helped me to realize that having walls are obviously not a bad thing. But rather a blessing to let people into our hearts.

Everyone has a story. And in my case, I have preferred to keep certain bits and pieces of my story locked inside a room. With Robert's description, it gives me a picture of my walk with God and in a sense "buying a new house." So for the sake of this blog, my new house is my life. And when I buy it is equivalent to when I first experienced God in my life. I have realized that having those walls up in my life have helped me become who I am today. 

So when I first bought my house, it was in a neighborhood that I didn't know anyone. I was uncomfortable. I was afraid to show anyone this house because it was a black hole. It had spiderwebs, cracks in the walls, and was a complete cluttered mess. I honestly didn't know where to start in the cleaning process. The people that lived around me tried to help me clean up, but I refused to let them help. I wanted to do it on my own. I think at this point in my life, I was very stubborn. I was going to be a sophomore in high school. Instead of trying to clean it out completely room by room, I tried to scoot everything to the side and clean up half of the room. But little did I know that when I almost got it clean, the stuff shoved to the side would collapse all over the room again.

In reality, this is probably what my house looked like when I first bought it.

 

Big mess. Spiderwebs. Cluttered. And probably unsafe.

At this point I just decided that it wasn't worth it. I was just going to live in a messed up house and deal with it. I would clean out a little bit about once a week, but hardly enough to ever get it clean at all. When I left my house, I would not speak about where I lived. I would just be in the moment and have fun with my neighbors. I got to know my neighbors, but when they asked to come to my house—I would stray away from the question or I would say maybe another time when I am feeling up to it.

But one day after a long time of making my house even messier, a storm came through and literally shredded my house to pieces. It was complete chaos and I didn't even know who to go to for help. But I knew that I couldn't clean this up on my on anymore. I needed something more than myself to pick up after this. So I eventually asked a couple people where to start. My first step was to show them my house. I showed them the whole thing. Every inch of every room. I had nothing to hide anymore. But the second they saw my house, they started helping me clean right away. My house began to straighten up and I decided not to live in a mess anymore. On July 24th, 2009—My house was finally complete. 

Something that most people don't know about is that when that storm came through, there was one room in my house that I left in reminder of that. It is locked away and not talked about at all. Although that room is a blessing in many ways, it is still a mess in the progress of fully being cleaned.

And that room is what I think about every time someone tells to me to take my walls down. That room has a door. And I have opened that door to many people before, but only when I have fully trusted them to look inside this room.

When I read Robert's post about the walls—It explained my life perfectly.

When I first was introduced to God, I was going to be a sophomore in high school and at first I was in a very uncomfortable territory. I did not let anyone know anything about my past in fear of being judged. And through the rest of my sophomore year and a third of the way into my junior year, I would spontaneously go to youth group, but at the same time continued to go out with friends. Party. Do what I thought was "fun and cool."

But then a third of the way through my junior year is when that "storm" hit. I opened up to my small group leaders about everything. I told them every bit of my life and from then on, they did nothing but help me straighten up my life. And on July 24th, 2009—I was baptized. My life was changed. I still have that room in my house that has a locked door, but to say the least—IT HAS A DOOR. And there have been many people in my life that I have let into that room, and I am completely blessed that they have been able to help me with the continuous cleaning of that room. 

Thank you Robert for helping me to realize that walls are not such a bad thing!

Lord, thank you for those who have helped

me clean my room behind locked doors.

Thank you for your forgiveness and grace.

Thank you for the opportunity to allow

 people to take a glimpse of my heart

I am forever grateful. =)

Who Am I?

In class the other day, we were given a piece of paper that was like a little idea web.
In the middle we were to put our name and then there were 4 bubbles that we were supposed to fill in with words that we thought were part of our identity. Part of who we are.

I had a hard time with this one... But after a while I came up with the words
Daughter. Athlete. Christian. Leader.


Then we were told to tell a story about one of these identifiers that made us proud to say that we were one of them. I used the word athlete. I said that I was proud to be an athlete because it made me a disciplined person. Being an athlete was my escape from anything and everything bad that was going on outside my life of sports. I was proud to say that I was an athlete when I got awards such as Most Athletic, Most Valuable Player, Best Defense, Best Offense, Most Inspirational, etc.

Then we were to take that same word and explain how it was painful to identify ourselves as that. So using the word athlete, I tried to think about how it was painful to be known as this. I guess for me it was just hard in high school to be known as an athlete because that's who everyone saw me as. Everyone thought that that was my whole life and what was important to me. I hate being called a "beast." I may good at sports, but I hated being told that I was masculine. I am not trying to brag, but I was one of the better female athletes at Kalama High School, but that didn't mean I liked only being identified with sports.

Then our professor asked us the question, "Well who are you?" Then after a long, completely silent pause, she started talking about how she knows that deep down in side of us all, we all have the same core. Everyone kind of looked around with a questioned look and our professor said,

"At our very core... We are ALL the Beloved of Christ. But what are you BEYOND that? Outside being Beloved,  who are you?"

This question became surprisingly very hard to answer. She talked about how Sarah Baldwin first asked her this question and how it took her forever to figure out who she is. She said that Sarah called herself a midwife. Although a midwife is most commonly known as someone who helps birth babies, it is also known as someone who assists in the bringing about. She describes herself as this because she helps people bring something great out of their soul. She helps birth, or bring forth, the Belovedness of someone.

Melanie Hulbert, the professor, then talked about how she realized that she is a gardner. She believes that she is a very anticipatory person. She anticipates the results of what is happening. She helps nurture things into bring great results.

Listening to these stories made me think SO much about who I am. I don't think I have an identifier for myself. I am Haley Rene' Bellows. Outside of that and the Beloved of Christ, I'm clueless. I find it SO hard to figure out who God has called me to be.

This is a question that I can already tell is going to be a tough one to figure out.

Who Am I?

Lord, I am Your Beloved.

But who am I beyond that?

Help me to find out who I am

within this kingdom of Yours.