Dear 15 Year Old Me

Dear 15 Year Old Me:

You turned 15 today and you have a basketball game in White Salmon. You are having a wonderful day until you hear the news. During lunch time 6 of your classmates get in a car accident, killing one of your good friends. A lot of them are seriously injured and you feel like it is unreal. You learn so much from this, but only if you could really see the big picture here. Life is short. The good news is that things turn out wonderful for you even though you will experience many times that you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that at your age your dream was to play basketball at the University of Oregon, but that is nowhere near where you end up. You injure yourself countless times and playing sports in college soon almost didn't seem like an option at many times. Although George Fox University is probably not on your radar at this age, once you get a little older you will eventually come to know that this is your dream college and you would not want to go anywhere else.

You are mixed up in some real bad stuff right now, and I often wish so much that you would see that you are so much better than that. You start getting in to things that should have never even been in your vocabulary at 15 and it gets you in to a place that you never thought you would be. You have a PE teacher in your life that continues to hold you accountable. If only you could see that instead of thinking he is judging you for your choices. He knows what your situation is like at home and he just wants you to see that you can go farther than that. Although you constantly turn your shoulder at him, there will be a point in high school where he ends up being the only person you can turn to.

After this first year in high school, you will feel pretty good about where you found your place. You are hanging out with friends and doing things that "make you happy." But those things only cause temporary happiness and only fill those voids for the time-being. There is something that happened before that you don't tell anyone about until you are 18, but you could have got some help for it had you not been so determined to keep that tucked away.

You are invited to a camp the summer after your freshman year, and that camp will soon be what plants the seed in your heart that will end up changing your life forever. At first you have a hard time truly grasping what it means to have a "Heavenly Father" because you have trust issues in your life when it comes to men. . Upon return from camp you say that you are different, but you go straight back to what you were doing before. You will spend the next couple years living a divided life. You seem to only pursue unhealthy relationships and even though right now you are "madly in love," I wish you could see that before your heart gets shattered.

Junior year comes around and you will really think everything is going great. You go to state with your volleyball team and soon after you will do something that makes you hit complete rock bottom. Life becomes instantly confusing and you have no idea what you are going to do, so you keep it to yourself. Soon after, you realize that your PE teacher ends up being the first person to know because he knew something was wrong. You will be forever thankful for how he was always there through and through. Then you seek out more help and gain some incredible relationships through Calvary Community Church.

Your life will change dramatically after some things did not turn out exactly how you planned for them. I know there will be a lot of heartbreak and grief going in to this situation you are placed in, but thankfully you reached out. You got help from your PE teacher's wife and this is a relationship that you will truly cherish forever. You will give your life to Christ after a 2 hour walk in the woods on a retreat and that following summer you will get baptized and your life will be forever changed. You go through senior year and have a blast and at the same time form relationships that will bless you more than you could imagine. And this is where George Fox comes in to the picture.

During April of your senior year, you finally made the choice to go to George Fox University and you play softball there. You soon get hurt and that pretty much ends your sports career. It is something that you will find very hard, but in the end is rewarding. There are tons of crazy things that happen your first year in college, but they help you grow tremendously. You witness miracles and you also experience a lot of grief. You have been going through high school believing that you want to do physical therapy but your heart changes and you switch to a double major in Social Work and Youth Ministry.

Although at 15, this is definitely nothing you would ever imagine, but honestly the Lord has blessed you tremendously. Your college years will be so important and you will build relationships with people that are worth every minute. At your age now, you keep your problems to yourself. You hide your life by putting a smile on your face. And even though it seems like that is the best choice, you will end up realizing that there is no better feeling than sharing your story. The people whom you tell your story to constantly remind you that your life is beautiful and you will learn to realize that yourself.

I just want you to know that even though things get extremely rough, keep pushing through. Try not to ever think of the things you will do as regrets because they are what will make you who you are. At so many times I would have hoped for you to come to a realization that just because you were around certain things your whole life did not mean that it was okay for you to do them too. And even though you will not see it right now, you will grow to be very wise for your age because you experience so much and bring a different perspective. You are a strong person and the Lord will steal your heart some day. Keep pursuring Him.

XOXO
20 Year Old Me

Acting Out of Fear?

I could probably start off all of my blogs talking about how continually blessed I am to be consumed in such a beautiful community here at George Fox. I feel like by now I should be used to it, but I still get all giddy inside after having great conversations whether it just be over coffee or in class.

I don't know if that is just me, but I don't think that will ever go away!
Today I was ultimately blessed to have a conversation with someone whom I am soooooo so so excited to continue to unpack my life with next week. =)

Something that I have been journaling about lately is fear.
Fear, by definition, as a verb means to be afraid of something that is likely to be dangerous, painful or threatening. Fear as a noun is an unpleasant emotion caused by something that is dangerous or likely to cause pain.

I find it so interesting that some of the things we fear can actually be SO rewarding in the end. But no matter what we have a hard time doing it. For example, one of my biggest fears (although I am starting to conquer it) is sharing my story. For the longest time I believed that the brokenness that I have experienced in my past was something that I could just tuck away. But something I have really come to realize is that my story is truly beautiful and the way that God wove His way in and out of it all is just simply amazing! And sharing my story has really recreated this healing process of working towards wholeness that at one point I had thought I already had completed.

But honestly a journey towards wholeness is lifelong.

And something that works in to my journey of wholeness is figuring out relationship wise where I stand.
There are these condescending ways that I constantly journal about when I try to figure out my "love life" and where I stand relationally in my walk.

I have this side of me that truly believes that I need to figure things out on my own before I can begin to experience life with a partner. I need to find out what it means to be "whole" as a single person. And when I think about this, I always begin to think about how sometimes I feel like I just am not ready to be in relationship with anyone. But do I say that because I genuinely feel that way? Or do I act out of fear when it comes to that because I know that at some point in a serious relationship I will have to reveal myself.

It all narrows back down to the fear of people knowing my brokenness.

"There is an equality in our brokenness... And in those places we connect!"

Lord, thank you so much for blessing me

with the opportunity to be a part of such a

wonderful community. I pray that You continue

to bless me with the courage to share and the

ability to discern when it is safe to do so.

Thank You for being You. 

Choices

Sometimes I just wish God would make all the decisions for us. Wouldn't that just be delightful?
I hate making decisions and I always have been like that. When someone asks me what I want for dinner, I always reply with "I don't care." Most of the time I really don't! But it also has a lot to do with the fact that I don't want to be the one to decide.
Sometimes we are faced with decisions that could end up hurting someone in the end or end up hurting ourselves. In those kinds of situations, I would rather just be able to say, "Well God made me make that decision!"

Right now I am faced with a decision that doesn't necessarily have a bad consequence in the end, but will hugely determine how my next year at George Fox will be. I wish that God would have just made it easy to decide what I want to do, but he has really left this one up to me.

Everyone always says to go with your gut feeling, but I honestly had no idea what that was. I have done a lot of journaling, coffee dates, and prayer in order to really seek out God's will for my next year.

While doing a devotion and reading my Bible tonight when sitting at Red Leaf, I came across Ephesians 1:18. When I read this verse, I got that feeling in my gut. That one that every one says I should have. I think I know what I am going to do. =)

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you."

Lord, I pray that you give me some

affirmation in the decision I have made.

I really believe that you have put this choice

on my heart, and I am going to follow your lead.

Journey of Healing, Hope, and Wholeness.

This week is relationship week at George Fox and Monday night they did the "Sex Talk" where there were separate girls and guys rooms for students to ask questions to a panel of people that want to share their story and want to answer questions we have about anything.
We had 6 panelists that all had completely different stories. It's so interesting because if you took a little piece of each of their stories and combined them—That would be my story.

I know that I challenged myself earlier this year to be open, but I have honestly not ever taken the time to think about who to talk to. I mean, I have shared my story with some of the most important people in my life back home. But I have gained such great relationships here at Fox, but I seem to shy away from telling people who I really am and what has happened in my life that has shaped me.

Something that I that I have done is put a band aid over a gaping wound and assumed that I would be okay after that. Boy, was I wrong! After this panel, I found myself fighting back tears and asking for prayer because I desperately need to get that wound stitched up before it can heal properly.

I think that sharing my story is what causes a lot of healing, hope, and wholeness for me, but I think I tend to hold back sharing my story because the enemy has this stronghold of shame in my heart for things that have happened. But after the panel, I walked up to a panelist that I knew. While shaking, I told her I needed prayer and she asked if there was anything specific. I responded by telling her what panelist read the question I wrote down, and she knew what it was and hugged me tightly and prayed for me. I am very thankful to have her holding me accountable for sharing my story or I probably would try to avoid it. We had a time and date already figured out for our "time of goodness"

I think my journey to healing is about to begin again, even though I do know that this journey will last a lifetime.

Lord, I want to thank You for the amazing people

You have placed in my life. Whether it be the people

back home or the wonderful people here at Fox, You 

have blessed me beyond what I could ever ask for. 

I pray that You help me share my story in a way that

provides me with healing of my wounds. I pray that You

place people in my life that make me feel comfortable 

enough to open up. I pray for a beautiful journey of

 healing and hope. And Lord, make me feel whole again.

Gladness Meets Hunger

"The place God calls you to be is where your deepest gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

I was very challenged by this quote in chapel today.

What causes me to be filled with such a deep gladness?
What are my spiritual gifts?
What am I truly passionate about?

Why is it that get I get so dumbstruck over the question, "What makes you happy?"

I mean, the question really is not really that complex, yet I feel the need to have somewhat of a complex answer. And in a sense, this makes college career paths that much harder to think about. Is Social Work or Youth Ministry what God is calling me to do?

And then to look at the opposite side of this quote... What is the world's deep hunger? There are so many needs in this world, but what can I do to help? How has God wired me to help meet specific needs in this world?

"I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God." Ecclesiastes 3:11-12.

Be happy and do good=Deep gladness meeting world's deep hunger=the gift of God.

1. What is my deep gladness?

2. What is the world's deep hunger?

3. How do these go hand in hand in my life?

Lord, I pray that you reveal to me

what you call me to do through 

helping me figure out what brings me

deep gladness. And help me to open my

eyes to see the world's deep hunger

is too. I trust You to guide me.