Who knew that within just under a week I feel like my whole world has turned completely upside down.
I mean everything about having an amazing floor and that I am loved, is still there.
But that doesn't change the fact that I feel like crap.
I can't eat. I can't sleep. I am having a hard time even smiling right now.
I took a trip to Eugene yesterday afternoon for a trip that would soon become one of the hardest things of my life.
I was told on Monday that my grandma probably only had days to live. Which that alone was heart-breaking.
My friend, Kayla Ward, was quick to completely understand and be there to comfort me. She went through something similar last year and has no problem helping me get through it. She drove me down there because she knew that I would not be able to handle the drive back by myself last night.
On the drive down I tried to mentally prepare myself, but I didn't exactly know how.
I tried to picture my grandma the way I had last seen her, but that image quickly went out of my head the minute I walked into the door because what I saw was something that tore me apart.
My grandma has always been there for me and I wouldn't change that for the world. I am blessed to have had the opportunity to have someone that amazing in my life.
I sat next to my grandma's bedside holding her hand just crying. Everyone was telling me that she could hear me if I talked to her, but I didn't know what to say. I wasn't ready for a goodbye, but who ever wants to say goodbye, right?
After not being able to say anything, I moved back to the couch, weeping in Kayla's arms, wanting so much to be able to talk to her. I couldn't handle looking at my grandma who used to be so outspoken and up and around at all time, now laying in a bed, not moving a bit (except an occasional twitch), not talking, or even opening her eyes. I was making myself believe that if maybe I went over there and talked, that she would wake up.
I couldn't do anything but sit there hand in hand with her, crying and praying.
I was there for only 3 1/2 hours, but I don't think I could have stayed there any longer than that and emotionally be able to handle it.
I got back to George Fox around 10pm and just sat in Kayla's room trying to calm myself and trying to stop crying.
I am probably running on very few hours of sleep and no food, causing me to be a little more emotional than usual, but I miss her so much!
I sit here writing this blog, tears streaming down my face.
I said goodbye to one of the most important people in my life last night, and I am not quite sure I was ready to.
It's all part of the grieving process, Haley. Allow your self this time to cry, and remember that Jesus knows your tears. :) Keep journaling; these will be special thoughts to reflect on someday!
ReplyDeleteHaley, its will become easier to function, as the days go by, they dont get easier, but they do get easier in a way, so that you can slowly start talking about the one who has passed away, you can start talking about all the good memories you had with her, Uncle Roy has been gone almost 2 yrs in Dec and I am still grieving, I tend to keep my emotions in and so it is taking me awhile to go through it, and when aunt oramae passed away, it really brought the whole grieving process full circle again, but it helps knowing that they are in heaven together and having a good old time, I love and miss both of them very much, take care Haley...
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