Just Give Up.

"Just give up" are the constant words of the enemy that I hear...

and it's gotten to be so hard that it's almost tempting.

I have gotten to the point where I cry 2 or 3 times a day, with a mental breakdown being one of them. 

Between my grandma passing away, not knowing what is wrong with my health, having problems with some specific people, wanting so much to just BE and not have to TRY TO be, and just wanting to be able look to God for answers instead of run away in fear something else is coming my way... has been SO hard.

I literally can probably count the number of hours I have slept in the past week on my 2 hands. I could probably put all the food I have eaten in a week on one plate. The tears I have shed, could probably fill up at least a gallon. 

I listen to sad music and watch sad movies in hopes that ALL my tears will go away, but I think I am beginning to realize that that is not what is going to help me get over my emotions.

I am just physically, mentally, and emotionally EXHAUSTED and giving up is the easy route and is so tempting to take, but I know God did not give me the opportunity to go to George Fox so that I could give up the moment I have hardships come my way.
I also need to get across my mind that if my Nana knew that I was about to give up college, the thing she was most proud of about my life, because she is gone, I am pretty sure she would have a fit.

I chose to come to George Fox because I wanted to get away and be out on my own, ya know? But I think my expectations for George Fox are definitely opposite of what God had in mind for me.

I sit here, an emotional wreck, after a 2 hours conversation with my area coordinator, just in awe of how much God is wanting me to give everything to Him, yet I have a hard time giving it to Him because I am overwhelmed with why I was given this much hardship to begin with. 

I think things would be a lot easier had I just given Him everything in the first place, but I tried and couldn't wrap my mind around why I still felt... empty.

"Just give up" is all I hear before I go to bed every night, and I will always wonder what would be next  in my life if I did?

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 

(Peter 5:10)