A Challenge To Myself

"We tend to think, "Life should be fair because God is fair." But God is not life. And if I confuse God with the physical reality of life—then I set myself up for crashing disappointment." 
Philip Yancey; Disappointment With God.

I have been reading this book lately because I feel like I have some anger that is built up in me. Although I know that anger is an emotion that is prevalent in everyone's lives... It just seems as if the social norm here at Fox is to keep that type of emotion hidden. It's not every day that I see someone expressing their anger in any way. At Fox, it seems as if anger is like a deep dark secret.

Lately I have found myself in great conversation with so many people. I have had several people open up to me with their life story and although I find it a complete blessing to be able to listen how amazing God truly is... I find myself slowly building up little bits of anger towards God. I have found myself wondering why I was the one God chose to go through certain things. And I truly do hate getting these feelings, but I don't know how to stop it.

I wouldn't say that I am blessed to have gone through what I have, but I would say that I am somewhat okay with coming from a different side of the path than a lot of people here.. Most of the people I have talked to, they are openly opinionated about those who have drank or done anything adulterous in the past. So when sitting there talking to these people, how am I able to open up with my testimony now knowing how they feel about things that I have done?

Coming to Fox is honestly the best decision I have ever made, but I never realized how hard it would be to truly be myself. I want to be able to be completely open with people about my life because I have grown to not be completely ashamed of my past. I know that the Lord has forgiven me for those things, but I don't want to be criticized by others so instead I choose to let people see the "put together" side of me rather than the broken side.

And this is where the quote from Disappointment with God comes in. I just wish that life could be fair! I am constantly setting myself up to be disappointed because I always have that little bit of hope that since I have gone through so many trials, God will be gracious to me and let me have at least a couple easy months here and there. I just can't help but be jealous of those who come from a Christian home. Is it bad that I just want to meet someone that has as broken as a background as me so that I know I am not alone in this place?

Last night we had a Women's Ministry Night here at Fox and it was absolutely wonderful. Melanie Hulbert shared her story and the group had an amazing night of worship together. There is just something about bringing things out of darkness and into the light.

Something that I am continuing to challenge myself to do is to be thankful of the trials I have gone through because (not trying to give the cliche answer here) I truly would not be who I am today without these trials. I am challenging myself to be open. I have opened up to a couple people here and there, and even doing that has been outside of my comfort zone. So I am challenging myself to not necessarily be completely transparent, but to not be afraid to share my story just because of what other people might think.

Lord, I don't think I thank You enough

for the many blessings You have 

provided me with in my life. 

You are the one who controls my life

and I am learning to be okay with going

 through whatever You throw my way.