Facing Anger and Trusting Him

If I could choose one word to describe my general feeling for the last two weeks, it would probably be the word.....Bitter.


And I understand that I probably have all the right in the world to feel this way, but I just wish it didn't have to be like this. I am 20 years old and should not have to be at this big of a battle. It's just not fair!


I mean honestly...
Why couldn't I have the story of a miracle?
Why couldn't God answer my prayers/the prayers of others for me?
Why did it have to be me?


And there is the problem right there....

As I was typing out these questions, I couldn't help but notice that I am making this all about me. But in my situation, is it even possible not to only think about myself and my well being?

I have found myself tired of hearing, "God has a plan for this."

Really? Does He? Because I sure am not seeing anything like that right now!

And to some extent, I have really had a hard time getting Bible verse after Bible verse sent to me. I mean, don't get me wrong–they are very much appreciated. (and don't stop sending them just because you read this!) But sometimes when I receive them I am having a little anger fit and have a hard time accepting that He is speaking to me. He wants me to trust Him. He wants me to understand that the "joy of the Lord is my strength."

I read the book Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey a while back, and I think I even blogged about this quote before, but I have it on a sticky note on my desktop. And I think that it is very relevant to my life right now.

"We tend to think, 'Life should be fair because God is fair.' But God is not life. And if I confuse God with the physical reality of life–by expecting constant good health for example–then I set myself up for crashing disappointment."

Did I set myself up for crashing disappointment by thinking that this newfound reality would never be me? Did I just assume I would make it through life without having to face this?

Maybe I did set myself up for disappointment.

I am not saying that through this I have not felt the presence of the Lord because I have. A lot of it has come through the people who are constantly present in my life supporting me and encouraging me, whether it be making me Paper Chain Countdowns, sending me texts, calling me on the phone, writing me messages, sending me awesome care packages, simply checking in on me, etc....

I could not be more blessed. 


Here is a passage from the book Where Is God When It Hurts by Philip Yancey that I have found to be very thought-provoking. A dear friend sent it to me and said that I reminded them of Job. What a compliment!

"God wants us to choose to love him freely, even when that choice involves pain, because we are committed to him, not to our own feelings and rewards. He wants us to cleave to him, as Job did, even when we have every reason to deny him hotly. That, I believe, is the central message of Job. Satan had taunted God with the accusation that humans are not truly free. Was Job faithful simply because God had allowed him a prosperous life? Job's fiery trials proved the answer beyond doubt. Job clung to God's justice when he was the best example in the history of God's apparent injustice. He did not seek the Giver because of his gifts; when all gifts were removed he still sought the Giver."

Lord, here I am in the midst of yet

another anger fit. I just have such a

hard time really understanding why 

this had to be another one of Your

"genius ideas." I am pleading at Your

feet that You let me in on this. It would 

be so much easier if I knew the plan, Lord.

My heart hurts, but I am choosing to trust You.