The Race.

I am a winner. 
I have beaten odds to get where I am today.
I have felt some pain every time I have walked another step forward, yet having taken even one step back, I have known that regression and giving up were not options for me. I have felt the emptiness of separation as I have moved in the wrong direction.
I have learned the arts of persistence, tenacity, and dedication. I know how it feels to watch my world and dreams shatter to a million pieces at my feet. I know what it is to run until there is nothing left inside of me, and then run some more.
I know how it feels to be loved, and I know how it feels when that loves grows hard and cold.
I know how to be happy. I know how to smile and spread joy into the lives of others with that smile.
I have learned that one conversation can make or break a fragile mind and heart, and thus I have learned to choose my words carefully.
I know that enthusiasm is the key to everything and yet I know how it feels to completely lack enthusiasm.
I have learned that winning is not everything, but sometimes it feels like it is the most important thing. I have learned that other color ribbons only prove to make that blue one that much sweeter. I know that my chief competitor is myself.
I know that sometimes my best isn't good enough for others and that people can be cruel. I know that sometimes I get frustrated with myself, especially when others are frustrated with me.
I know how it feels to have something mean so much to me that it IS me. I have experienced wrath, outrage and fury, but have still made it through the storm as a survivor.
I know what it is to love. I know how to spread joy and how to extract it from even the darkest situations.
I know what hope is, and I rely on it as my last refuge. I know that darkness must exist if only to make those tiny bits of light seem that much brighter,
I know that success is self-made, and that luck is relative term.
I know that I am strong.
I know that miracles do exist, angels do find us in our hour of need, and there is always something behind me, pushing me forward.
I believe in myself at all times, even when I think that I don't and even when I feel like no one else does.
I know how it feels to be lost. I also know what it feels like to be picked out of a crowd. What it is like to be the winner, and how it feels when, for one moment, you are the star of the show.
Above all, though, I know that all of this has made me ME.
I know that being a winner is not about winning whatever race faces me in the moment. I recognize I am winning by pushing myself everyday and by waking up each morning feeling blessed by the day that lies ahead of me. Through this I am winning in the most important race ever, the race I entered at birth--the race we call life.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

-1 Corinthians 9:24. 

Take Me Back.

I am on a journey---an exciting, adventurous journey. Its a journey on the road of life. Along my journey I experience thrills and spills, and I encounter enormous mountains and vast valleys. 

I've taken many wrong turns and a few detours, and I've lost my way in the wilderness countless times. But, somehow, I always find my way back to the road, the narrow road. God keeps it all lit up for me so I'll always be able to find my way home. 

You know how on hot summer nights you can see the lights of a baseball field all the way across town? Even if it's a long way off, if you follow the lights, you can eventually find your way to the field. God's light is like that. It penetrates the darkness and shines steadfastly, and if you'll just keep it in view and keep making your way toward it, you'll eventually end up right with Him. 

But sometimes, the freedom of the wide road seems much more fun than the confined journey on the narrow road. And I find myself wandering off course and away from God. On the wide road, I can make my own rules and decide my own way. And I like that...for a while. But soon the air there becomes bitter and stale. And the crowds of people press against me, and I get sweaty and covered in dust. I begin to feel as if I'm suffocating. And it's so dark and I feel so lonely--even though I'm surrounded by thousands of other lost souls. And in my desperation, I begin to frantically search for the light. I finally spot it but it's far away, and I'm tired and weary. I want to give up and rest right where I am. But I know that could get me in trouble. It's sort of like sleeping in your car at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere. Anything can happen. 

I'm so tired and so far from home, and I've accumulated so much baggage that I can't possibly carry it all on my own. I've been away from the light so long that I've forgotten that there are people there who really want to help, and there is One who is strong and loving and wants to carry my load. He misses me and wants me to come home. 

But I'm so ashamed. I've turned my back on Him; I can't ask Him for help now. I can't go home. Just look at me. My face is smudged with dirt, my clothes are filthy and worn, my hair is wild and out of control---just like my life. My body is covered with cuts and bruises, and I know they're there because of my own stupid choices. 

I can't go home...not like this. I look again at my sad surroundings, then I lift my face to the magnificant road in the distance, all lit up and waiting for me. I know I want to go there; I want to experience the warmth of the light once again. Just then, I hear a faint noise coming from far down that luminous road. The sound gets louder and louder, and it sounds so beautiful---like someone cheering and joyfully clapping and shouting. Then I hear my name, I cant believe it. Someone is calling out my name. I begin to walk forward so I can hear better, and before long, I'm running so fast I cant stop. The voice is so familiar. Finally, I see where it's coming from. It's the most glorious vision I've ever seen. A crowd of people, shouting my name and cheering me on---some I recognize and some I dont---but all of them are cheering just for me. And when they see me, they cheer even louder, as if I'm about to score a winning run. 

Then I see Him. His face is shining, and His eyes are locked onto mine. I know Him at once. Hes my Creator, my Savior, He doesn't wait for me to reach Him, instead He runs to me and embraces me with tears flooding His face. 

Im home! Im home! And I'm surrounded by the ones I love most---precious people who have interceded on my behalf to our Creator and with their prayers, created a hedge of protection around me that nothing could penetrate. 

Have you ever taken a detour on the journey of life? Have you strayed from the narrow road and been enticed by the sights and sounds of the masses? Have you lost your way and felt you could never find your way back home? We've all been there. We've all strayed. We've all wandered off the path. But your story can end just like mine. The road to your loving heavenly Father is always lit, and you are always welcome on it. There are people who are cheering you on, even now, and there is a Savior who waits longingly for you to turn your face toward home. When you take those first steps toward home, He'll run to meet you. 

Its so easy to get distracted and turn from the path God has laid out for us. And when we find ourselves in those dark places, we do things we wouldn't want anyone to see. If the light turned on our sin, we would be horrified. If you ever find yourself doing something you wouldn't want the people you respect to know about, a loud alarm should sound in your head and warn you to stop! But God does see everything we do. Imagine living in a house of mirrors. Everywhere you look, there you are. Everything you do, you see yourself do. God is our house of mirrors. Everywhere we go, he goes. Everything we do, He sees. Everything we say, He hears. 

The challenge is to remain constantly aware and mindful of His presence and to keep our feet planted firmly on His path. Because I carry the name of Christ, I am called to live by a higher standard. I will never be like Him completely, but I will strive to be more like Him everyday. 

And if I stray, He faithfully waits for me at the end of the well-lit road. 

Is this really it?

Amidst all of the chaos of finals week, I wanted to take the time to write a blog.
Although this one may be really short, it is just a little update.


I have just found out that I will not be playing softball this year and it has been quite the news. I haven't taken it very well because for the last 7 years, softball has been a huge part of my life. I play about 8 or 9 months out of every year. I know that softball is not something that is going to be forever, but is it really time for me to let it go already? I feel so unsatisfied with how things are ending up. I know God has a plan for everything, but does it really have to be so harsh all the time? I feel like God has been tugging at my heart about this for a long time now. Is this injury a sign of God telling me that this is the end? I can't help but think it might be and I am just having a really hard time believing it. I am always praying about it because I know I love the team and the coaches and I don't think God would put them into my life and then suddenly take them away. I am looking for a way to still be a part of the team just without playing, ya know? My friend Jocelynn on my team has also just been told she can't play this year either, for the second year in a row. She has been someone I have been able to talk to about it (along with Kayla Ward) because they have been going through the same emotions as me. 


Jocelynn shared this poem with me and it really meant a lot.


A Ball Players Prayer by Hal Skinner.

God grant me the wisdom,

to tell a strike from a ball,

to know where to throw,

and never to fall.

Keep me always in the base line,

running straight and true,

and I'll look for your sign,

to stretch one into two.

God give me vision,

to see every pitch,

so if a player needs help,

then I will see which.

Let me always hustle,

so I'll be at my best,

and take pride in myself,

in sports and the rest.

God be my strength,

when I throw the ball,

when I'm far from home plate,

or against a wall.

So I never miss a base,

please guide my feet,

bring me home safely,

so my job is complete.

When I help younger players,

let me always give praise,

so they'll see you in me,

in all of my ways.

God please guide our coach,

to be fair and smart,

to teach us to be good,

let it come from his heart.

Let me take a loss,

just as well as a win,

to do any less,

is surely a sin.

As long as I can play,

let me make my parents proud,

as proud as I am,

when they yell my name out loud.

However my games end,

let me always have fun,

and if Heaven has All-Stars,

I want to be one.

When my games here are over,

and my seasons are done,

let me play on your team,

just like your son.

Amen

I feel like this prayer helps me realize how much during a game always did these little "shoot up" prayers but in reality I am not praising God for how much He has given me through my experience with softball. All the people I have been able to help. All the people I have became close with because of the game.

So there is really just one question:

Is this really it?

Lord, help me with this decision.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Can you please explain this one to me?

I am struggling to see where You take part in this.

Keep me at peace with whatever happens,

and  please guide me a long the way.

Praise Him.

"To the one whose dreams are falling all apart.

And all your left with is a tired and broken heart.

I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own.

But you're not alone.

You will be safe in His arms.

You will be safe in His arms.

The hands that hold the world are holding your heart.

This is the promise He made.

He will be with you always.

When everything is falling apart,

You will be safe in His arms."

*Safe by Phil Wickham.

My area coordinator, Sarah Jobson, showed me this song exactly when I needed it. I have heard this song plenty of times before, but I think I never really appreciated the lyrics for what they're worth.

I have been running for far too long. It has been about a month since I have even picked up my Bible, not only because I haven't been obedient, but because like I have said in previous blogs, I feel like when I bring anything to Him I just get loaded with more things to deal with.

I look back at the last couple weeks and wonder why I let this go on for so long when God clearly told me the night I was told my grandma wouldn't make it to the weekend. I remember being completely frozen, bawling on my bed. It was hard to breath, let alone talk to anyone. I was screaming at God wanting answers and all I can remember is behind all my sobbing, I heard "I want you to praise Me." I didn't know if this was a joke, but I was seriously mad that God would even put that in my mind because He was about to take someone so dear to me away and there was no way I could praise Him for that.

I look back on this situation and I know now why He said this. He didn't ask me to praise Him because He was going to perform a miracle and my grandma was going to be fine (which I had instantly hoped for when I heard this). He asked me to praise Him because He will be the same at the end of the week regardless of what happens to my grandma. Every little piece of me wanted to protest someone else being in charge and I believe that that is why this was so very hard to wrap my heart around.

Last night I decided I would pick up my Bible. I was flipping through and decided to read Hebrews. I don't really have a reasoning behind choosing that, but I did. And I am very thankful for that. God knows exactly what I need. He is providing me with many things I never would have dreamt of such as amazing new friendships. And because of that, I will always Praise Him.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

-Hebrews 13:8. 

Lord, thank you for never changing.

.Continue to help me in my darkest times.

I will forever praise you.

Obedience and Prayer.

I realized that I have been fighting my whole life to be who I am and stand up for what I believe in because I have grown up my whole life being around people who weren't the same.
At home and at school, I had to try to be who I wanted to be whereas here at Fox... I don't really feel like I have to fight to be who I am, if that makes sense.
I am completely surrounded all the time by mostly all believers of Christ and with that I don't have to try and fight others to be who I am. I just get to be me.
I have previously stated that I have no fight left in me, but in reality, I still have fight left, I just don't have to use it when I surrounded by believers in Christ. (I hope this all makes sense because it makes sense in my head.)

That is where obedience comes in. I have been letting my feelings change my relationship with Christ. I have been running from Him, so I have FELT like I just don't need to try and make it right.
When I FEEL like I don't want to or don't need to give Him my burdens or even just simply open up His word, that is when I most need to do it because my feelings should not affect my obedience to Christ.

And along with obedience comes prayer.
Prayer is something that I have been in plenty of group discussions with at The Well or here at Fox and it just frustrates me because it is something so simple, yet so perplexing.
I have always prayed whether it be before meals, before bed, throughout out the day, long visits in the prayer chapel, etc. But for some reason I have not gotten any satisfaction out of it lately.
I feel like every prayer I say, shoots right up to ceiling and falls back in my face.
It makes me wonder why prayer is even needed and how do I know if what I am praying for is against what God has planned the situation.
These questions fill my mind with doubt, yet I want to find the answers!

Lord, help me to be obedient and find peace in you..

I pray for this daily. Help show me the answer.