Help Me To Choose You.

"God is not a feeling. God is a choice."
I was reminded tonight of these words spoke at summer camp by Jeffrey Dean...
And now I can not get them out of my mind.

When I FEEL like God is not present in my life, then that is when I need to CHOOSE God above all things. I have been in quite the valley lately, but I need to realize God is there even when it doesn't seem like it. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for YOU are with ME."-Psalm 23:4. It says it right there, yet I still have a hard time choosing to believe it, ya know?

One of my good friends, Derrik... His little brother Chad passed away a week ago. At 14 years old! This kid was soooo great. I can't even describe him. I remember going up to their house for Survivor night and he was always there to be my infamous ping pong partner, tell me random facts, or show me the newest addition to his coin collection. It just shows me that you never truly know when the last time is that you will see someone. His service was on Saturday, January 29th at 1:23pm. (23 was Chad's favorite number. He was born on October 23rd and he died on January 23rd.) This was one of the hardest things to go through because no one's life should be cut that short.

I was told today of a story of a woman drowning around the age of 20 and the explanation of this was that maybe her life was supposed to be that short because she fulfilled all that God had wanted her to. I look at this story and can't help but think it was that same reason for Chad. He lived every day as if it were his last and loved EVERYONE. He always meant what he said, made the most of what he had, and left an amazing impression on so many hearts. His smile could light up the whole world.

I want to think that if I died today that I have made a lasting impression on that many hearts. I don't honestly know if I can genuinely say that though. I will definitely be challenging myself to change that.

My freshman year here at Fox has been nothing like I had expected. I came here thinking that I would be growing so much in the Lord that it would be overwhelming to myself. But what I did not think would happen is that my faith would be challenged and shaken like it definitely has been since I got here. It is like God is testing me to make sure that I will follow Him in the end. I definitely have the overwhelming part of what I thought would happen, but what is happening to me is opposite of what I wanted. But what I want and what God has planned are obviously two COMPLETELY different things.

Lord, Please help me change.

Help me leave a lasting impression.

Help me to understand your plans.

I am in such a stage of wanting,

when in reality, I should be asking

what YOU want ME to do?

Not telling you what I want you to do.

Help me to CHOOSE you.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.

-1 Peter 5:10. 

Promise.

‎"Make a promise to me now.

Reassure my heart somehow.

That the love that I feel

Is so much more real than anything. 

I have a feeling in my soul.

And I pray that I'm not wrong. 

That the life I have now.

It is only the beginning."

-Born Again, Third Day.

Music has been a huge part of my walk lately. I get in these major faith slumps and I have a hard time getting out of them. 

Lately I feel like I have been putting in a lot of time and effort into several relationships and have strayed away from my most important one.

My relationship with my Heavenly Father.

It's like I have completely turned my two-way relationship with Him into a complete one way.

I take so much time asking of Him in prayer and praising Him with all of my heart, but I have not been letting Him get to me... His way of communication through the Bible is precious, but it something I have been taking for granted almost. I act as if I am wise enough to go without reading, but in reality, I will never know enough. I will never be able to know everything. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5.

It's like I have a memory bank of some verses, but I can't just strive to remember ones that make me feel better. I need to be able to read all the time, even verses that make me feel persecuted.

I just wish God would give me a clear sign that He is with me, ya know?

Sometimes I feel either distant or am I just not seeing clearly? Maybe He is giving me plenty of signs and I just don't know what or how to look for them. Sometimes I think I just am being attacked am instantly lose the fire and passion I once had.

I really need to turn my eyes on Him and focus on building my most important relationship in life back to what it was. I want to fall into His wonderful faith. Why do I always return to these ways of crazy life? When the King of the World is calling me. I want to turn my eyes on Him. 

"The Lord will work out his plans for my life..."

Psalm 138:8 (NLT)

Lord, please help me turn my eyes to you.

Help me to be obedient and dig into Your Word.

Fill me up with your wisdom.

Promise me You'll always be there.

I need you.

Dear God.

Dear God, 
As I woke up this morning, I thought about time and the idea of stepping out in faith. How long do I wait for a breakthrough, during the down times and the quiet times when I feel so alone? 

As I read in my devotional, "my grace is sufficient for you," again I find strength in your Word to wait on you. 

Oh, God, I trust that you, who has begun the good work in me, are faithful to complete it. Today does not look any different than yesterday. My circumstances have not changed. But slowly and surely your Word is taking root in my heart and in it I have confident rest. I know my change will come. I am willing to wait on your perfect timing and your decision which is right. 

Thank you for weighing it all out and giving me all and only as much as I can bear. Thank you for the courage to wait and patiently trust that my Father knows what is best for me. 

Amen.

Hosanna.

"Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours.
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause.
As walk from earth into eternity.
Hosanna, Hosanna. Hosanna in the highest!"


I know some friends of mine heard this song come on in the car on the radio a weeks ago and really didn't know what it meant. I remember being at that point in my walk. To me it was just a worship song that we sang at camp and during youth group or church. I just tried my best to explain to them what I took it as...

It's what the people cried when Jesus rode into Jerusalem before He was crucified.
They are saying "Hosanna. Hosanna in the highest" meaning We believe that you are the Messiah and we are asking you to save us. So when you're singing Hosanna, you're essentially saying "Save me Lord. Save us now." It's this cry. This plead to reach out. Please help us where we are.

I heard this song today and for the first time, I felt the need to make this my cry.

I really don't know why, but I just felt like God is telling me to ask Him to save me as if He knows something great is going to happen if I just surrender to Him. 

"Break my heart for what breaks yours"

This lyric hit me. If my heart doesn't break over what break's the Lords, what does that mean for me?

LORD, save us! LORD, grant us success!

Psalm 118:25.

The Race.

I am a winner. 
I have beaten odds to get where I am today.
I have felt some pain every time I have walked another step forward, yet having taken even one step back, I have known that regression and giving up were not options for me. I have felt the emptiness of separation as I have moved in the wrong direction.
I have learned the arts of persistence, tenacity, and dedication. I know how it feels to watch my world and dreams shatter to a million pieces at my feet. I know what it is to run until there is nothing left inside of me, and then run some more.
I know how it feels to be loved, and I know how it feels when that loves grows hard and cold.
I know how to be happy. I know how to smile and spread joy into the lives of others with that smile.
I have learned that one conversation can make or break a fragile mind and heart, and thus I have learned to choose my words carefully.
I know that enthusiasm is the key to everything and yet I know how it feels to completely lack enthusiasm.
I have learned that winning is not everything, but sometimes it feels like it is the most important thing. I have learned that other color ribbons only prove to make that blue one that much sweeter. I know that my chief competitor is myself.
I know that sometimes my best isn't good enough for others and that people can be cruel. I know that sometimes I get frustrated with myself, especially when others are frustrated with me.
I know how it feels to have something mean so much to me that it IS me. I have experienced wrath, outrage and fury, but have still made it through the storm as a survivor.
I know what it is to love. I know how to spread joy and how to extract it from even the darkest situations.
I know what hope is, and I rely on it as my last refuge. I know that darkness must exist if only to make those tiny bits of light seem that much brighter,
I know that success is self-made, and that luck is relative term.
I know that I am strong.
I know that miracles do exist, angels do find us in our hour of need, and there is always something behind me, pushing me forward.
I believe in myself at all times, even when I think that I don't and even when I feel like no one else does.
I know how it feels to be lost. I also know what it feels like to be picked out of a crowd. What it is like to be the winner, and how it feels when, for one moment, you are the star of the show.
Above all, though, I know that all of this has made me ME.
I know that being a winner is not about winning whatever race faces me in the moment. I recognize I am winning by pushing myself everyday and by waking up each morning feeling blessed by the day that lies ahead of me. Through this I am winning in the most important race ever, the race I entered at birth--the race we call life.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

-1 Corinthians 9:24.