A Challenge To Myself

"We tend to think, "Life should be fair because God is fair." But God is not life. And if I confuse God with the physical reality of life—then I set myself up for crashing disappointment." 
Philip Yancey; Disappointment With God.

I have been reading this book lately because I feel like I have some anger that is built up in me. Although I know that anger is an emotion that is prevalent in everyone's lives... It just seems as if the social norm here at Fox is to keep that type of emotion hidden. It's not every day that I see someone expressing their anger in any way. At Fox, it seems as if anger is like a deep dark secret.

Lately I have found myself in great conversation with so many people. I have had several people open up to me with their life story and although I find it a complete blessing to be able to listen how amazing God truly is... I find myself slowly building up little bits of anger towards God. I have found myself wondering why I was the one God chose to go through certain things. And I truly do hate getting these feelings, but I don't know how to stop it.

I wouldn't say that I am blessed to have gone through what I have, but I would say that I am somewhat okay with coming from a different side of the path than a lot of people here.. Most of the people I have talked to, they are openly opinionated about those who have drank or done anything adulterous in the past. So when sitting there talking to these people, how am I able to open up with my testimony now knowing how they feel about things that I have done?

Coming to Fox is honestly the best decision I have ever made, but I never realized how hard it would be to truly be myself. I want to be able to be completely open with people about my life because I have grown to not be completely ashamed of my past. I know that the Lord has forgiven me for those things, but I don't want to be criticized by others so instead I choose to let people see the "put together" side of me rather than the broken side.

And this is where the quote from Disappointment with God comes in. I just wish that life could be fair! I am constantly setting myself up to be disappointed because I always have that little bit of hope that since I have gone through so many trials, God will be gracious to me and let me have at least a couple easy months here and there. I just can't help but be jealous of those who come from a Christian home. Is it bad that I just want to meet someone that has as broken as a background as me so that I know I am not alone in this place?

Last night we had a Women's Ministry Night here at Fox and it was absolutely wonderful. Melanie Hulbert shared her story and the group had an amazing night of worship together. There is just something about bringing things out of darkness and into the light.

Something that I am continuing to challenge myself to do is to be thankful of the trials I have gone through because (not trying to give the cliche answer here) I truly would not be who I am today without these trials. I am challenging myself to be open. I have opened up to a couple people here and there, and even doing that has been outside of my comfort zone. So I am challenging myself to not necessarily be completely transparent, but to not be afraid to share my story just because of what other people might think.

Lord, I don't think I thank You enough

for the many blessings You have 

provided me with in my life. 

You are the one who controls my life

and I am learning to be okay with going

 through whatever You throw my way. 

Walls.

My friend, Robert Hall, from school wrote this on his tumbler and I couldn't help but share it. 

Simply amazing.

"For some reason we like to tell guarded people to "let their walls down" as if to say that by putting up walls they are becoming totally inwardly-focused creatures, inhuman in their supposed solitude. We encourage them to "let other people in" as an alternative to have walls. But what would they be letting people in to if they didn't keep their walls up? Walls are what define rooms, rooms which we use to protect those things that are dear to us: memories, regrets, dreams, burdens... We keep these in basements and attics and closets, places that, without walls, wouldn't be of much use. So aren't walls a good thing? If there are room, defined spaces, people can invite other people in, and there, with those walls around them, they will find joy, freedom, innocence, belonging, and more. SOmetimes they'll uncover wounds, feel shame, shed tears, scream profanities, and collapse in anguish. But right there with them will be a friend, a brother, a mentor, a peer, a student. We all need walls in our lives, boundaries that protect us but more importantly give us the opportunity to actively invite people in for a glimpse of our hearts. I would venture to say that walls are perfectly acceptable. Just make sure to build a door."

I honestly could not have said this better myself. I don't think I could count how many people told me in my past to take my walls down. And up until reading this, I have always tried to make sure I am not building walls. But Robert helped me to realize that having walls are obviously not a bad thing. But rather a blessing to let people into our hearts.

Everyone has a story. And in my case, I have preferred to keep certain bits and pieces of my story locked inside a room. With Robert's description, it gives me a picture of my walk with God and in a sense "buying a new house." So for the sake of this blog, my new house is my life. And when I buy it is equivalent to when I first experienced God in my life. I have realized that having those walls up in my life have helped me become who I am today. 

So when I first bought my house, it was in a neighborhood that I didn't know anyone. I was uncomfortable. I was afraid to show anyone this house because it was a black hole. It had spiderwebs, cracks in the walls, and was a complete cluttered mess. I honestly didn't know where to start in the cleaning process. The people that lived around me tried to help me clean up, but I refused to let them help. I wanted to do it on my own. I think at this point in my life, I was very stubborn. I was going to be a sophomore in high school. Instead of trying to clean it out completely room by room, I tried to scoot everything to the side and clean up half of the room. But little did I know that when I almost got it clean, the stuff shoved to the side would collapse all over the room again.

In reality, this is probably what my house looked like when I first bought it.

 

Big mess. Spiderwebs. Cluttered. And probably unsafe.

At this point I just decided that it wasn't worth it. I was just going to live in a messed up house and deal with it. I would clean out a little bit about once a week, but hardly enough to ever get it clean at all. When I left my house, I would not speak about where I lived. I would just be in the moment and have fun with my neighbors. I got to know my neighbors, but when they asked to come to my house—I would stray away from the question or I would say maybe another time when I am feeling up to it.

But one day after a long time of making my house even messier, a storm came through and literally shredded my house to pieces. It was complete chaos and I didn't even know who to go to for help. But I knew that I couldn't clean this up on my on anymore. I needed something more than myself to pick up after this. So I eventually asked a couple people where to start. My first step was to show them my house. I showed them the whole thing. Every inch of every room. I had nothing to hide anymore. But the second they saw my house, they started helping me clean right away. My house began to straighten up and I decided not to live in a mess anymore. On July 24th, 2009—My house was finally complete. 

Something that most people don't know about is that when that storm came through, there was one room in my house that I left in reminder of that. It is locked away and not talked about at all. Although that room is a blessing in many ways, it is still a mess in the progress of fully being cleaned.

And that room is what I think about every time someone tells to me to take my walls down. That room has a door. And I have opened that door to many people before, but only when I have fully trusted them to look inside this room.

When I read Robert's post about the walls—It explained my life perfectly.

When I first was introduced to God, I was going to be a sophomore in high school and at first I was in a very uncomfortable territory. I did not let anyone know anything about my past in fear of being judged. And through the rest of my sophomore year and a third of the way into my junior year, I would spontaneously go to youth group, but at the same time continued to go out with friends. Party. Do what I thought was "fun and cool."

But then a third of the way through my junior year is when that "storm" hit. I opened up to my small group leaders about everything. I told them every bit of my life and from then on, they did nothing but help me straighten up my life. And on July 24th, 2009—I was baptized. My life was changed. I still have that room in my house that has a locked door, but to say the least—IT HAS A DOOR. And there have been many people in my life that I have let into that room, and I am completely blessed that they have been able to help me with the continuous cleaning of that room. 

Thank you Robert for helping me to realize that walls are not such a bad thing!

Lord, thank you for those who have helped

me clean my room behind locked doors.

Thank you for your forgiveness and grace.

Thank you for the opportunity to allow

 people to take a glimpse of my heart

I am forever grateful. =)

Who Am I?

In class the other day, we were given a piece of paper that was like a little idea web.
In the middle we were to put our name and then there were 4 bubbles that we were supposed to fill in with words that we thought were part of our identity. Part of who we are.

I had a hard time with this one... But after a while I came up with the words
Daughter. Athlete. Christian. Leader.


Then we were told to tell a story about one of these identifiers that made us proud to say that we were one of them. I used the word athlete. I said that I was proud to be an athlete because it made me a disciplined person. Being an athlete was my escape from anything and everything bad that was going on outside my life of sports. I was proud to say that I was an athlete when I got awards such as Most Athletic, Most Valuable Player, Best Defense, Best Offense, Most Inspirational, etc.

Then we were to take that same word and explain how it was painful to identify ourselves as that. So using the word athlete, I tried to think about how it was painful to be known as this. I guess for me it was just hard in high school to be known as an athlete because that's who everyone saw me as. Everyone thought that that was my whole life and what was important to me. I hate being called a "beast." I may good at sports, but I hated being told that I was masculine. I am not trying to brag, but I was one of the better female athletes at Kalama High School, but that didn't mean I liked only being identified with sports.

Then our professor asked us the question, "Well who are you?" Then after a long, completely silent pause, she started talking about how she knows that deep down in side of us all, we all have the same core. Everyone kind of looked around with a questioned look and our professor said,

"At our very core... We are ALL the Beloved of Christ. But what are you BEYOND that? Outside being Beloved,  who are you?"

This question became surprisingly very hard to answer. She talked about how Sarah Baldwin first asked her this question and how it took her forever to figure out who she is. She said that Sarah called herself a midwife. Although a midwife is most commonly known as someone who helps birth babies, it is also known as someone who assists in the bringing about. She describes herself as this because she helps people bring something great out of their soul. She helps birth, or bring forth, the Belovedness of someone.

Melanie Hulbert, the professor, then talked about how she realized that she is a gardner. She believes that she is a very anticipatory person. She anticipates the results of what is happening. She helps nurture things into bring great results.

Listening to these stories made me think SO much about who I am. I don't think I have an identifier for myself. I am Haley Rene' Bellows. Outside of that and the Beloved of Christ, I'm clueless. I find it SO hard to figure out who God has called me to be.

This is a question that I can already tell is going to be a tough one to figure out.

Who Am I?

Lord, I am Your Beloved.

But who am I beyond that?

Help me to find out who I am

within this kingdom of Yours.

Drained.

For my Life of Christ class, we were given Soul Training Exercises to do weekly and journal about them. This week's exercise was:

"Take a facebook/texting/internet fast this wee for a specific time period—at least 8 waking hours. See if you are able to commit to longer. How hard was this for you? WHat kind of faults things does media immersion teach you? How did your spirit respond to being away from technological connection for a day? Journal"

This is my journal entry for this exercise, and is exactly how I am feeling right now.

I think this media fast just brought out a lot of emotion from me. I did it from 3-11pm and even though it was only 8 hours… I feel like it was EXTREMELY hard. I feel like I definitely got a lot done, homework wise. I did a lot of reading and just sitting around. It was weird to not be on my laptop though. Whether it be for doing homework, getting on facebook, skyping with friends/family, watching TV episodes… Everything was hard. It was really tempting to pick up my laptop when I finished an essay or when I got bored with a book. It’s crazy to me how much time I do spend on my phone or computer. I have always heard the saying, “What if instead of being on facebook, you read your Bible? How much do you think you would know?” And through this fast, I realized that I would be VERY knowledgeable biblically if I spent my time in the Word rather than online.

I truly believe that the hardest thing for me was that I wasn’t in constant contact with everyone. When I was taking a break from homework at one point, I found myself in tears. And completely helpless at the time too. Just sitting in my room, home alone, with no technological connection to people… It made me super emotional. It got me thinking about how stressful this year is going to be and how I am not going to have like any time to visit anyone. I will be working 24 hours a week at Farm to Fork in Dundee, taking 17 credits this semester and 16 next semester, and with all the time I will have to be studying… I feel like all year I am going to be COMPLETELY stressed and tired. I cried because I felt like I had nothing else to do. Just last night I was in tears laying in my bed, clutching my baby blanket and Braveheart Care Bear that my Nana got me for my 3^rd birthday (gosh I miss her SO much), and saying to myself, “I wish this wasn’t going to be so hard. I just want to quit and go home.” I found myself missing my family, friends back home, and all my church family and friends more than ever.

I think it’s insane that this media fast is what had me in tears. I guess when I have all the time in the world to sit and think, everything surfaces. Media immersion has completely blocked out the things I have been feeling inside. I get so caught up in reading the latest “statuses” or worrying about how many points my next Words with Friends word will get me, that I don’t ever think about what I really feel like. I think I truly do need to stray away from how much I am connected to the media in order to keep my emotions in check. I feel like if I continue to keep my emotions bottled up inside I may have a very unpleasant breakdown at some point. Or I just need to start journaling no matter what. Because I feel like if don't express myself healthily, I really feel like I am just going to have to attitude of wanting to give up all the time. Lord, I just want to take the time to pray that you continue to give me the strength to make it through each day. Amen.

Rhythm.

rhythmNoun/ˈriT͟Həm

1. A strong, regular, repeated pattern of movement or sound.

2. The systematic arrangement of musical sounds, principally according to duration and periodic stress.

As a college student, I think this is THE hardest thing to find. We are in a stage in our life where there is constant change. At least I feel like I am. I can never find that "repeated pattern of movement," although I find myself trying to gain it every day. 

I go from having an amazing summer living at the Campbell's residence and working a set schedule to living off campus in an apartment with a friend, attending full time at George Fox, and trying to fit work into that schedule because I have to pay rent. SO HARD! I find myself stressing every day about how much homework I have, how little sleep I get, how I don't get to do anything fun, and I haven't even started my job yet!

I feel like college is always constant change... 

• Move in as freshman.
• Start fall semester classes.
• Leave school for a month for winter beak
• Completely different spring semester classes.
• Go home for the summer and lost the school mindset.
• Move back in to a completely different place on or off campus.
• Start different classes once again.
• And repeat all of this chaos for years...

Don't doubt me that my time at Fox has been more than I could ever ask for... But why does it have to be so stressful. I actually did a survey for one of my classes last year and asked the question, "If you could define college in one word, what word would you use?" 71 out of 100 people used the word stress or stressful. I feel like it shouldn't be that way.

Isn't funny that the definition of rhythm even has the word stress in it? I mean, I know it's not saying that literally saying "periodic stress," but that is the way I took it! If you combine the two definitions and mix it up a little you can create the definition: "A strong, regular, repeated pattern of movement, principally according to periodic stress." Now THAT is more like the definition of rhythm. 

Something that I have had a hard time doing lately though is asking the Lord to guide me through it. How can I sit here and complain about how I can't find a rhythm, when I have yet to open my Bible or even pray for God to help me overcome this stage. Instead, I feel like I have let Satan get a foothold on my heart and tug me away. I find myself lately saying, "I'll pray for you." But only saying it because it is the right thing, and not actually doing it. 

I want this "funk" to end.

So Lord, I am asking you right now.

I am asking that you help me get out 

of this foothold and back into Your

arms. I ask that You help me find a 

rhythm that is in the same pattern

as Yours. I pray that You help me be

intentional in the things I say and do.

I pray that You help me get out of this

funk. I trust that You will be there.