Beloved

I have been reading The Atonement Child by Francine Rivers and it has been such a blessing to me lately. To be able to read about the spiritual struggle of a girl my age is so interesting. (this may be kind of a spoiler, so sorry if you are wanting to read it!) Dynah Carey is in college and is walking home from work and is raped, and later finds out she is pregnant. The battle that Dynah faces with trying to choose abortion or not and is completely waiting on God's call to tell her what she needs to do.

I have had to force myself to put this book down at night because I never get tired reading it. It is just that good. To know that this girl is able to get through this very, very hard time in her life, gives me sooo much hope that I can and will get through anything thrown at me.

"Convicted. Redeemed. On a mission. But it's not like it was in the beginning. That emotional high. Feeling on fire. There's effort, day by day, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other effort. And trust. That's been the hardest for me. Trusting God. Walking in faith that He knows better than I do what's best for me."

This quote was one said to Dynah by her friend Joe. He was talking about his spiritual walk. His walk is a lot like mine (mixed with Dynah's at the same time). I could read this quote over and over and get something new from it every time. I am quick to say that trusting God has been something that is hard for me. To think that His plan is SO much better than what I expect is hard for me to grasp because I want to believe that I should have total control over my life.

And another thing is that I have so many friends who think that the minute they are saved or are "born-again Christians" that they are going to have it easy the rest of their life. That is SO not true and this quote says it right there. "There's effort, day by day, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other effort." I have to continually remind myself that HE is so much greater than anything and everything that will ever happen. I take baby steps every day to get closer and closer to Him. And I LOVE the struggle. It helps me know that my God is ALWAYS there for me.

Throughout this book when Dynah hears God talking to her, she is approached by being called "Beloved." According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary beloved means: dearly loved; dear to the heart. To know that God sees us ALL as beloved is just... sooo... enlightening.

To be seen as Beloved was a theme this year at our freshman orientation. 

It is also a word that I have been called many times by my area coordinator and it just makes me realize how loved I truly am, even when I think I am going through things alone. 

It is used so many times throughout this book and when God is speaking to Dynah, sometimes I feel 

as if those words are going straight to me too. 

Lord, thank you so much.

Thank you for blessing me with this book

and it's ability to make me feel Beloved.

You alone have been my stronghold.

And I know that you will forever be that.

Gratefulness.

Thank You, my gracious and sovereign God, that You have been with me and carried me from the day of my birth until today. . . .that You knew the end of my life from the beginning. . . .and that You wrote in Your book all the days that You ordained for me before one of them came to be.

Thank You that in Your gracious plan to bless and use me, You've allowed me to go through hard times, through trials that many people go through in this fallen world. . . .How glad I am that You're so good at reaching down and making something beautiful out of even the worst situations! How encouraged I am when I think how You did this for Joseph back in Genesis. . . .how his brothers hated and abused and betrayed him. . . .how You worked these things out for a blessing, both for Joseph and his family and for countless other people.

So I thank You for the specific family (or lack of family) into which I was born and the opportunities You did or did not provide. And thank You for the things in my past that appear to be limitations, hindrances, bad breaks. . . .the wounds of old hurts. . . .the unmet emotional needs. . . .the mistakes or neglect of other people. . . .even their cruelty to me. . . .their abuse.

How comforting to know that in all my distressed You were distressed. . . .And how I thank You, Lord Jesus, that on the cross You bore my griefs and carried my sorrow, as well as my sins. . . .that I can kneel at the cross and worship You as the one who took on Yourself all my pain and experienced it to the full. And thank You that all these seeming disadvantages are a backdrop for the special, unfolding plan You have in mind for me.

I'm so grateful that all my past circumstances were permitted by You to make me see my need of You and prepare my heart for Your Word. . . .to draw me to Yourself. . . .and to work out Your good purposes for my life. I rejoice that You are the Blessed Controller of all things-You are now, You will be throughout the future, and You always were. All my days Your touch of love and wisdom, whether I can fully see it yet or not.

And Lord, I choose to look beyond my past and present troubles in this life- this temporary life- and fix my eyes on the unseen things that will last forever. . . .I praise You for the eternal glory these things are piling up for me as I choose to trust You.

Amen. =)

(31 Days of Praise-Ruth Meyers)

It's Official!

I finally did it!

I have been praying a lot about it the last couple weeks and I am very confident that the Lord is calling me in this direction.
With a lot of praying and thinking... I have decided to change my major!

Before: Allied Health (Physical Therapy)
After: Double Major- Social Work and Christian Ministries!

I am so excited for whatever God is going to bring out of this, but I know it is going to be so good!

Just thought I would do a little update with my exciting news!! =)

Lord, Thank you for being so great

and opening my eyes to Your plan for me.

I feel so comfortable in my decision because I

know you are behind me backing it up.

I cannot wait to see where you take me with this!

Amen.

I am not a statistic. =)

I think I can honestly say that I am completely and genuinely happy!
I may have said this before in past blogs, but even people around me have noticed my change.
And it's amazing to me that this can all happen over just one weekend.

I grew up in a home with the "earthly fatherly figure" that a lot of people don't have, but I have grown to look past that.
This weekend, as a counselor at a Winter Retreat, I was able to learn so much and be able to teach my freshman girls at the same time. We were taught about the correlation between our relationship with our earthly father versus our relationship with our Heavenly Father. Although my girls in my cabin had a hard time really getting a deep discussion out of the topic, it was something that was very close and dear to my heart and I know God had me at this retreat for a reason.

We learned about the 6 pictures of a Father. They were:

1. Your Father loves you unconditionally.
2. Your Father provides for you.
3. Your Father leads you and guides you.
4. Your Father encourages you.
5. Your Father sets boundaries.
6. Your Father protects you. 

And when the speaker shared this with me, I couldn't picture having an earthly father who did all of these things for me, but I realized that I am SOOOOO incredibly blessed to have a Heavenly Father who is more than willing to be those things for me.

This retreat has helped me grow so much in who I am. At one point in my life, I made myself believe that anything and everything that happened in my past was going to define who I am today. But when the speaker listed off all of these statistics about people who grow up in a fatherless home:

• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.
• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes.
• 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.
• 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes.
• 70% of juvenile in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes.
• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in fatherless homes.

What I really got out of this is that- "I am not a statistic."
I think for me to be able to stand up in the front of the whole retreat and be able to affirm this out loud, really helped me inside kind of get through part of this open wound that I have neglected to deal with.
My Heavenly Father is really more than I will ever need and more than I could ever ask for, and I want people to know that. I want to be able to use my story to help others.
.................
And that's where my next part comes in.
I am current an Allied Health major here at George Fox University because I truly believed that becoming a Physical Therapist is something that God was calling me to do. I always wanted to be able to help people and this is where I thought this would be a good job for that. But what this past weekend made me realize is how I am looking for a much deeper need than that. I want to be able to use my story and be able to connect with the people I help on more of an emotional and spiritual level. I am really thinking God is challenging me to change my career path and that is something I have really been looking into and really praying about. George Fox offers many different choices, but I think the plan that I have kind of leaned towards changing to, when I get affirmation that He is wanting me to change majors, is double majoring in Christian Ministries and Social Work.

I currently have a physical therapy internship lined up for the summer if I want to take it. But I also currently just applied to be a Youth Intern at Calvary. I have really been praying that God really makes it easy for me in the idea of which path He wants me to take. If I do not get this internship for Calvary, I really do believe it is because God is wanting that Physical Therapy door to stay open. I am up for whatever He wants, but I am in the position where I want to be emotionally and spiritually involved with people this summer, and I am not quite sure if interning at a physical therapy place is really going to fill that need.
I believe that my God will provide me with the answers when the time is right, and I just need to remember that, "My Savior lives. My Savior Loves. My Saviors always there for me. My God He IS; My God He WAS; My God He is ALWAYS GONNA BE."

Lord, you have made me genuinely happy.

I could not ask for a more perfect Heavenly Father.

Thank you for all that you have done for me,

and for all that you have planned for me.

Guide me to make the right choice about my 

future and where you want me to go.

In Your name, Amen.

Mark 9.

I was told by a friend to read this chapter because it was something that he loved to read when he was feeling as if his faith was insufficient.

I feel like I have been in this slump in my faith (once again) because I don't really know where to go next with what I believe in. I have been through many trials this year and I have consistently made myself believe that it was all happening because I was, for some reason, being punished for something. But I have come to believe that God knew that I would grow from it all. Each trial helped me grow that much more in Him. But where do I go next? What am I supposed to do now? Could I possibly be looking right past what God has next for me? But at the same time, can I just instantly pull myself out of this slump?

Mark 9:23-24-
"If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possibly for one who believes." Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" 

I look at this verse and feel like I am in the same spot as this boy's father. On one hand, I have my doubts about my faith and that God can help me through anything and everything; whereas on the other hand, it's like I have a pressing problem of needing to believe that God can help me through anything because there is something going on. Sometimes I wonder if my love for Christ even shines when I am not in troubled times.

I mean I realize that I do always need Christ's love and am in need of constant guidance, but how much do I seek Him when things are going good? Jesus makes the issue in Mark 9 about the sick boy clear that  faith in Him must be genuine to be effective. Do I genuinely seek God everyday of my life?

This makes me think of Jeremiah 29:13-
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." 


I want to make it my prayer to continually seek Him throughout my life, through the good times and bad because I know He continually seeks out what is good for my life, so why is it so hard for me to do the same?

Lord, teach me to seek You,

and reveal Yourself to me 

when I seek You.

For I cannot seek You unless

You  first teach me,

nor find You unless

You first reveal yourself to me.

Let me seek you in longing,

and long for you in seeking.

Let me find you in love,

and love you in finding.

Amen.

-Saith Ambrose of Milan. c. 340-397.