I Need You.

I still feel stuck in a whirlwind of emotions.
Instead of running to God with my problem, I have been running away from Him, scared He will just hand me another burden the minute I am ready to hand Him over one of mine.
God is so much bigger than anything I am dealing with, but why does it seem like He is there just to taunt me and make things so much harder?
There has got to be a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now I must be miles away because there is not even a speck of light that I can see.
I have always turned to His Word when I have gotten even a little bit lost or in need of comfort and peace, yet I haven't even picked up my Bible in around 2 weeks because I feel like God is so distant.
I need to get away. I need to find time to sink into His Word and let Him speak to me.
Old Town Sherwood Coffee Shop, I shall be seeing you soon...

I have done nothing but fight throughout my whole life to get where I am in my walk with God, but isn't is crazy how in a split second, a relationship can feel broken.
I have gotten to the point where I feel like there is no fight left in me.

Lord, please help me!

I need you!

Just Give Up.

"Just give up" are the constant words of the enemy that I hear...

and it's gotten to be so hard that it's almost tempting.

I have gotten to the point where I cry 2 or 3 times a day, with a mental breakdown being one of them. 

Between my grandma passing away, not knowing what is wrong with my health, having problems with some specific people, wanting so much to just BE and not have to TRY TO be, and just wanting to be able look to God for answers instead of run away in fear something else is coming my way... has been SO hard.

I literally can probably count the number of hours I have slept in the past week on my 2 hands. I could probably put all the food I have eaten in a week on one plate. The tears I have shed, could probably fill up at least a gallon. 

I listen to sad music and watch sad movies in hopes that ALL my tears will go away, but I think I am beginning to realize that that is not what is going to help me get over my emotions.

I am just physically, mentally, and emotionally EXHAUSTED and giving up is the easy route and is so tempting to take, but I know God did not give me the opportunity to go to George Fox so that I could give up the moment I have hardships come my way.
I also need to get across my mind that if my Nana knew that I was about to give up college, the thing she was most proud of about my life, because she is gone, I am pretty sure she would have a fit.

I chose to come to George Fox because I wanted to get away and be out on my own, ya know? But I think my expectations for George Fox are definitely opposite of what God had in mind for me.

I sit here, an emotional wreck, after a 2 hours conversation with my area coordinator, just in awe of how much God is wanting me to give everything to Him, yet I have a hard time giving it to Him because I am overwhelmed with why I was given this much hardship to begin with. 

I think things would be a lot easier had I just given Him everything in the first place, but I tried and couldn't wrap my mind around why I still felt... empty.

"Just give up" is all I hear before I go to bed every night, and I will always wonder what would be next  in my life if I did?

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 

(Peter 5:10)

Goodbyes are always so hard.

Who knew that within just under a week I feel like my whole world has turned completely upside down.

I mean everything about having an amazing floor and that I am loved, is still there.

But that doesn't change the fact that I feel like crap.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I am having a hard time even smiling right now.

I took a trip to Eugene yesterday afternoon for a trip that would soon become one of the hardest things of my life.

I was told on Monday that my grandma probably only had days to live. Which that alone was heart-breaking.

My friend, Kayla Ward, was quick to completely understand and be there to comfort me. She went through something similar last year and has no problem helping me get through it. She drove me down there because she knew that I would not be able to handle the drive back by myself last night.

On the drive down I tried to mentally prepare myself, but I didn't exactly know how.

I tried to picture my grandma the way I had last seen her, but that image quickly went out of my head the minute I walked into the door because what I saw was something that tore me apart.

My grandma has always been there for me and I wouldn't change that for the world. I am blessed to have had the opportunity to have someone that amazing in my life.

I sat next to my grandma's bedside holding her hand just crying. Everyone was telling me that she could hear me if I talked to her, but I didn't know what to say. I wasn't ready for a goodbye, but who ever wants to say goodbye, right?

After not being able to say anything, I moved back to the couch, weeping in Kayla's arms, wanting so much to be able to talk to her. I couldn't handle looking at my grandma who used to be so outspoken and  up and around at all time, now laying in a bed, not moving a bit (except an occasional twitch), not talking, or even opening her eyes. I was making myself believe that if maybe I went over there and talked, that she would wake up.

I couldn't do anything but sit there hand in hand with her, crying and praying.

I was there for only 3 1/2 hours, but I don't think I could have stayed there any longer than that and emotionally be able to handle it.

I got back to George Fox around 10pm and just sat in Kayla's room trying to calm myself and trying to stop crying.

I am probably running on very few hours of sleep and no food, causing me to be a little more emotional than usual, but I miss her so much!

I sit here writing this blog, tears streaming down my face.

I said goodbye to one of the most important people in my life last night, and I am not quite sure I was ready to.

Complete Satisfaction.

Isn't it just crazy how in one month, everything can be changed around.

In my last blog I had no control over my emotions.

I wasn't thinking clearly and I was just getting into the groove of college.

I know my place now.

I Am Happy!

I have yet to say this in full honesty since I have been here. 

I have found complete satisfaction in who I am and where I am.

I am a Spiritual Life Assistant on my floor. This "title" doesn't make me ranked any higher than any other girl on my floor and I am proud to say that I wouldn't want it any other way.

I want to be able to know the girls on my floor in a way no one else on campus knows them. I want to worship with them. I want to love Jesus with them. I want to serve with them. I want to grow with them.

My floor is simply amazing. 

There are people whom I trust with my life completely, people who push me closer to God, people who enjoy late night talks about life, people I want to get to know better, people who just make me smile, people who could very well be lifetime friends. 

I have a complete peace with God about where He has put me.

I have the right people here that I can go to for anything and I have the right people back home that I can go to for anything. Just the perfect combination.

And what I have realized that is really weird about this post is that I am probably in the peak of stress as I type this blog, yet I just feel so.......

Satisfied.

I currently am facing a potentially bad problem with my back.

I will be going to the specialist on Monday, October 25th to hear my plan for healing.

This has done nothing but put a huge burden on my shoulders, but yet God has balanced it so very well with the perfect things. I have professors who understand and pray for me. I have an area coordinator that truly cares about my well-being. I have an RA who helps me get through it. I have a Health and Counseling doctor on campus who consistently checks on me. I have an all around amazing support system right here on campus that love me enough to help me get through this.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. 

God has helped me understand what it means to worry. 

I have realized that it is a personal, mental agitation that disturbs my peace of mind.

I worry about many things, but God provides so much peace that it outweighs everything.

God is so good and I am glad He has provided me with

Complete Satisfaction.

Vent Session Much?

I have a ton on my mind, but cannot seem to get it out.

So this blog is basically going to a complete venting session.

I really need to clear my head.

Soooo.... Here it goes.

Words that come to mind when I think about my college experience so far:

Amazing.

Horrible. 

Confusing. 

Blessed. 

Hard. 

Time Consuming. 

Stressful. 

Fun. 

Great. 

Interesting. 

There are so many opportunities here and I know I am only a freshman still, but I really need answers. I am a planner. I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing and when I am going to be doing it. I definitely know that God has a plan for me, but I hate waiting around to figure it out. My patience has been very slim lately, probably due to lack of sleep. George Fox was my choice of college and will never ever regret that, but why is it so hard for this place to be all that I wanted? But then again, what was I really expecting when I came here? 

Things are so stressful lately that I feel like I am breaking down in a way. I mean I am making friends, having fun, love my floor, doing fine in classes... What more could I ask for? God is blessing me with so much, but for some reason I am having a hard time not wanting more. College is something I have been waiting for... The opportunity to break free from home and start the biggest change in my life. I finally am able to watch over myself and do things that I want to do, but why do I dislike it more than I ever thought I would?

I have been given the opportunity to be a Spiritual Life leader on my floor along with 3 others. But why is this position so hard to choose. God has opened that door for me, but is softball the door He is closing in place of that? I wish it was so much easier than this. A desire of my heart is to share with people my testimony to glorify God because He has been so wonderful to me, but where will this most be effective? My floor is so great and I really believe that He is calling me to do it, but what about the softball team that I so dearly love? 

Leaving home has been one of the greatest, yet worst things about college. I was ready to be free. I wanted so badly to get away. But who knew it would be so hard at the same time because broken relationships remained broken. I truly believe that I have planted a seed of Christ back home. I have shared all that I can. I was Christ-like and I can't think of anything else to do. Why are some relationships so much harder to mend than others?

One super hard thing to get used to is the fact that I no longer have my support system here. All of Calvary Community and several in Kalama have helped me SO much in my relationship with the Lord in my brightest times and my definite worst times. Everyone here at George Fox are all truly amazing, but I miss the people who have helped get me where I am at. I feel like a piece of me is missing sometimes. I keep in contact with all of them, but I hate not seeing them twice a week like I normally would. I know this is all part of the moving away for college experience, but who knew it would be so hard? I know that I will never lose these close relationships, but how will they ever be the same if I don't get to see or talk to them regularly?

There are so many unanswered questions and it drives me up the wall! God, please just help me understand where you are going with all this. All my frustration has been causing me to be somewhat bitter and that is SO not like me. It may all be lack of sleep, once again... But often I find myself just laying in bed just thinking for hours on end because a full mind keeps me from drifting off. Lord, please keep this bitterness away!

Like most other nights, I have been up long enough tonight thinking about EVERYTHING. Now that I have gotten it all off my chest, I wonder if it will be easier to fall asleep?