Praise Him.

"To the one whose dreams are falling all apart.

And all your left with is a tired and broken heart.

I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own.

But you're not alone.

You will be safe in His arms.

You will be safe in His arms.

The hands that hold the world are holding your heart.

This is the promise He made.

He will be with you always.

When everything is falling apart,

You will be safe in His arms."

*Safe by Phil Wickham.

My area coordinator, Sarah Jobson, showed me this song exactly when I needed it. I have heard this song plenty of times before, but I think I never really appreciated the lyrics for what they're worth.

I have been running for far too long. It has been about a month since I have even picked up my Bible, not only because I haven't been obedient, but because like I have said in previous blogs, I feel like when I bring anything to Him I just get loaded with more things to deal with.

I look back at the last couple weeks and wonder why I let this go on for so long when God clearly told me the night I was told my grandma wouldn't make it to the weekend. I remember being completely frozen, bawling on my bed. It was hard to breath, let alone talk to anyone. I was screaming at God wanting answers and all I can remember is behind all my sobbing, I heard "I want you to praise Me." I didn't know if this was a joke, but I was seriously mad that God would even put that in my mind because He was about to take someone so dear to me away and there was no way I could praise Him for that.

I look back on this situation and I know now why He said this. He didn't ask me to praise Him because He was going to perform a miracle and my grandma was going to be fine (which I had instantly hoped for when I heard this). He asked me to praise Him because He will be the same at the end of the week regardless of what happens to my grandma. Every little piece of me wanted to protest someone else being in charge and I believe that that is why this was so very hard to wrap my heart around.

Last night I decided I would pick up my Bible. I was flipping through and decided to read Hebrews. I don't really have a reasoning behind choosing that, but I did. And I am very thankful for that. God knows exactly what I need. He is providing me with many things I never would have dreamt of such as amazing new friendships. And because of that, I will always Praise Him.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

-Hebrews 13:8. 

Lord, thank you for never changing.

.Continue to help me in my darkest times.

I will forever praise you.

Obedience and Prayer.

I realized that I have been fighting my whole life to be who I am and stand up for what I believe in because I have grown up my whole life being around people who weren't the same.
At home and at school, I had to try to be who I wanted to be whereas here at Fox... I don't really feel like I have to fight to be who I am, if that makes sense.
I am completely surrounded all the time by mostly all believers of Christ and with that I don't have to try and fight others to be who I am. I just get to be me.
I have previously stated that I have no fight left in me, but in reality, I still have fight left, I just don't have to use it when I surrounded by believers in Christ. (I hope this all makes sense because it makes sense in my head.)

That is where obedience comes in. I have been letting my feelings change my relationship with Christ. I have been running from Him, so I have FELT like I just don't need to try and make it right.
When I FEEL like I don't want to or don't need to give Him my burdens or even just simply open up His word, that is when I most need to do it because my feelings should not affect my obedience to Christ.

And along with obedience comes prayer.
Prayer is something that I have been in plenty of group discussions with at The Well or here at Fox and it just frustrates me because it is something so simple, yet so perplexing.
I have always prayed whether it be before meals, before bed, throughout out the day, long visits in the prayer chapel, etc. But for some reason I have not gotten any satisfaction out of it lately.
I feel like every prayer I say, shoots right up to ceiling and falls back in my face.
It makes me wonder why prayer is even needed and how do I know if what I am praying for is against what God has planned the situation.
These questions fill my mind with doubt, yet I want to find the answers!

Lord, help me to be obedient and find peace in you..

I pray for this daily. Help show me the answer.

Getting away.

The environment off campus is just so.........
Different.

I am still struggling with finding myself digging deep and holding onto the roots Christ has planted in me, but just getting off campus, away from the whole "college environment", is really relieving.
All the same things are still going on in my life, yet I can find a peace about me when I am not sitting in a dorm room or around all the other stressed people.
I came home for the weekend and have had an amazing time. I have just been able to relax and hang out with friends and family.
Even though deep down I am having a spiritual battle and I constantly miss my grandma, I don't know what it is, but when I am around certain people, I am just genuinely happy.
I think it's because I just know that when they are there, I know that if I truly needed to talk, they would listen, advise, and completely understand.
I am sitting here at Intermission in Longview, in awe of how happy I feel just being able to see all the people I love from my church, even if I didn't get to have huge long conversations with all of them.
It is just that feeling of being comfortable and loved that makes that "feel good" emotion come out.

I wish that this visit back here could be longer because it is nice to get away and have a weekend to try and clear the surface to have fun. I am not ready to go back to school yet.

This is where I have the problem at Satan longing for the foothold of "just give up" because its times like these, where I truly hurt deep inside, and I know that when I am back here I am completely happy, and I want it to stay that way.

Lord, pull me completely into Your presence.

I need peace.

I Need You.

I still feel stuck in a whirlwind of emotions.
Instead of running to God with my problem, I have been running away from Him, scared He will just hand me another burden the minute I am ready to hand Him over one of mine.
God is so much bigger than anything I am dealing with, but why does it seem like He is there just to taunt me and make things so much harder?
There has got to be a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now I must be miles away because there is not even a speck of light that I can see.
I have always turned to His Word when I have gotten even a little bit lost or in need of comfort and peace, yet I haven't even picked up my Bible in around 2 weeks because I feel like God is so distant.
I need to get away. I need to find time to sink into His Word and let Him speak to me.
Old Town Sherwood Coffee Shop, I shall be seeing you soon...

I have done nothing but fight throughout my whole life to get where I am in my walk with God, but isn't is crazy how in a split second, a relationship can feel broken.
I have gotten to the point where I feel like there is no fight left in me.

Lord, please help me!

I need you!

Just Give Up.

"Just give up" are the constant words of the enemy that I hear...

and it's gotten to be so hard that it's almost tempting.

I have gotten to the point where I cry 2 or 3 times a day, with a mental breakdown being one of them. 

Between my grandma passing away, not knowing what is wrong with my health, having problems with some specific people, wanting so much to just BE and not have to TRY TO be, and just wanting to be able look to God for answers instead of run away in fear something else is coming my way... has been SO hard.

I literally can probably count the number of hours I have slept in the past week on my 2 hands. I could probably put all the food I have eaten in a week on one plate. The tears I have shed, could probably fill up at least a gallon. 

I listen to sad music and watch sad movies in hopes that ALL my tears will go away, but I think I am beginning to realize that that is not what is going to help me get over my emotions.

I am just physically, mentally, and emotionally EXHAUSTED and giving up is the easy route and is so tempting to take, but I know God did not give me the opportunity to go to George Fox so that I could give up the moment I have hardships come my way.
I also need to get across my mind that if my Nana knew that I was about to give up college, the thing she was most proud of about my life, because she is gone, I am pretty sure she would have a fit.

I chose to come to George Fox because I wanted to get away and be out on my own, ya know? But I think my expectations for George Fox are definitely opposite of what God had in mind for me.

I sit here, an emotional wreck, after a 2 hours conversation with my area coordinator, just in awe of how much God is wanting me to give everything to Him, yet I have a hard time giving it to Him because I am overwhelmed with why I was given this much hardship to begin with. 

I think things would be a lot easier had I just given Him everything in the first place, but I tried and couldn't wrap my mind around why I still felt... empty.

"Just give up" is all I hear before I go to bed every night, and I will always wonder what would be next  in my life if I did?

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 

(Peter 5:10)