Grace, Not Perfection.

Mind=Blown.
That was my first initial reaction after reading this.

It has been a couple weeks since I first read this quote, and I think I have beat myself up over the fact that I truly struggle when it comes to living a gracious life! Am I gracious with my apartment gets left a mess? Not usually. To people who are rude? Sometimes. To my friends and family when they really pinch the wrong nerve? Maybe not outwardly. To the several kids that I babysit that constantly pick fights with each other? Not at all.


There are things that I cannot change in the moment, but the way I respond to the situation is definitely what determines the outcome. I am 20 years old and I still find some kind of joy in being able to pick on my little sister sometimes. By all means I should not allow these kids to continue to do so, but do I really need to become instantly annoyed about it? Of course not!

This quote makes me realize that there are often too many instances that I have strived to be perfect. In my life, I have continually told myself that anything less than perfect is not good enough. And it is actually quite funny that I say that because I doubt anyone would have pegged me to be that person. I have made many decisions in my life that would never constitute themselves as perfect, but to me—it was my way of trying to be perfect to someone, in some way.

I have a constant battle with myself over this all the time. Being the perfect friend. At one point—The perfect girlfriend. The perfect roommate. The perfect counselor. The perfect role model. The perfect Christian.


The idea of being a perfect Christian is impossible, yet we see people striving to be this day in and day out. Including myself! 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."


What if I could embrace this idea of gracious living and make it the standard for me?
What if I could extend that grace outwardly, making myself a better person?
What if I could accept the grace that is constantly poured out to me and remember that it is perfect?

Sometimes I need to stop, think, and TRULY realize that God DOES see me as perfect in His eyes and it is all because of His marvelous GRACE.

I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection.

Lord, help me see myself as you see me.

Sometimes I try to be a perfectionist, but

if I could truly grasp that you already see

me as perfect, then maybe I will be able to

hold myself to a standard of grace. I want 

to knowingly live out a gracious life 

and extend that grace to others. 

From the Inside Out

Today in church we sang From the Inside Out by Hillsong United and it quickly reminded me of why I originally started this blog: To let people know how God is working in my life.

This blog has quite often become a place for me to vent rather than for me to share with people how great God is. And that is something that I would really like to change. I will still share with you my struggles because we all know how powerful prayer is and that sharing with others is a blessing, but I want to get back to the soul reason I started this blog.

It's amazing to me how much has changed for me. During this month 3 years ago, I was going through the hardest season of my life. I am no where close to the same person I was, and to think that three years is not really that long ago. On facebook the other day, someone posted "There is no room for shame at the foot of the cross, only worship." Three years ago, I would have responded to this quote in a completely different manner. I probably would have said in my mind, "But nobody knows the shame I am carrying around and dealing with right now." Although I still have a very hard time talking about this situation in my life, I have finally realized that this can no longer control me.

It took me a very, very long time to understand that my God is so much bigger than the problems I face. Even when I make choices in life that have some pretty bad consequences, there is nothing that I can truly do about it other than know that I am no longer the choices I made.

I feel so at peace with the fact that I full comprehend that my past is not me. My decisions in the past are no longer a temptation to me, but have rather been an experience that has taught me so much. I still do not share my story often, but I am working on that.

I was selected to go on a month long trip to Romania with a group of students and leaders from George Fox and this is going to be a very life-changing moment in my life that I am very excited about.  This trip has also given me the opportunity to share my story with my team. I do admit that I am nervous for when this time comes though!

I want to be able to share my story so that I can show others that God truly transforms people from the inside out. I don't want to bring glory to things that have gone wrong in my life, but rather give all the glory to God for consuming me daily. There is just something about when you give control to God and know that every time you stumble, His grace will be right there to catch you.

Lord, I don't know how to explain

how grateful I am to be consumed daily

by Your presence. Your glory truly does

go beyond all fame. Thank you for 

transforming me from the inside out. 

I will continue to bring You praise.

Be Courageous

Almost all girls grow up dreaming of the day they are gonna get married.

What is our dress going to look like?
What color will our shoes be?
Who will our bridesmaids be?
Will I get married in Hawaii?

But as children, we tend to leave the major detail.....
Who am I going to get married to?


Now that I am in college, the question that always casually gets brought up upon returning home on any visit is, "So are there any boys?" It's quite funny because I would love to say that I have that "one guy." But the truth is... I am so picky! I mean, that really isn't a horrible thing, but sometimes I feel like talking about that question would be so much easier if I could say yes and then get to explain to the questioner about the guy I am interested in.

Something that I think that really tears me up is that I continuously think that I have something to prove. In previous posts, I have talked about how I am not a statistic. I am not part of the 85% of teens with a behavioral disorder that came from a fatherless home. I am not part of the 71% that drops out of high school that came from a fatherless home. I don't have to prove that I am not a statistic because I know I am not. And God is the only person who can judge that.

But what I can do is make sure to marry someone who I know will not even give my children any kind of opportunity to become one of those statistics. I have the ability to marry the man who will be the father that our children need. Tonight, I watched the movie Courageous for the first time and it is amazing. This movie ends with a father standing in front of the church, giving this speech:


"There are some men who, regardless of the mistakes we've made in the past, regardless of what our fathers did not do for us, will give the strength of our arms and the rest of our days to loving God with all that we are and to teach our children to do the same—and whenever possible, to love and mentor others who have no father in their lives but who desperately need help and direction. And we are inviting any man whose heart is willing and courageous to join us in this resolution. God's Word shows is that God desires for every father to be courageous and step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of his children. More than just being there for them for providing for them, he is to walk with them through their young lives and be a visual representation of the character of God, their Father in Heaven. Who will accept the responsibility of providing and protecting my family? Who will ask God to break the chain of destructive patterns in my family? Who will pray for, and bless my children to boldly pursue whatever God calls them to do? In my home, the decision has already been made. You don't have to ask who will guide my family because, by God's grace, I will. You don't have to ask who will teach my son to follow Christ because I will.
So where are you, men of courage? Where are you, fathers who fear the Lord? It's time to rise up and answer the call God has given you and say, I will! I will! I WILL!"


This movie has really encouraged me to stop trying to prove anything.
This movie has truly shown me that being picky in what I want in a man is probably the most wise thing you can do because in the end, we are the parents that will influence the next generation.

I want a man that is willing to take a stand a be a true father.
I want a man that is willing to Be Courageous.

Lord, I want to thank you for being

my true Heavenly Father. With you—I

don't need to prove anything. I pray that

you give me the patience to wait and not

settle for less than what You want for me.  

God With Us

Man, I have just felt like writing lately! It's just that God is so good that I can't help but share!

This morning was probably the 3rd time I have went to Sunday church since I have been in Newberg this semester. I have gone home and went to Calvary a couple times, but I just haven't been here that much at all. And it's funny the excuses I come up with. Honestly, I did work Sunday mornings for the longest time—so there wasn't really a way out of that one. But when I started working Sunday nights, I still always had a reason not to get up in the morning. This morning was different though. I felt compelled to go. I got up at 8am. Went on a run. Came home. Got ready. And went to the 11am service at Newberg Foursquare.

And this morning was JUST what I needed to hear. Isn't it amazing how God works?
Today we talked about "God With Us. Discovering How God Relates To Us"

The problem is sin. 


Instead of with God, we live in a place called shame.
When I had coffee with Melanie the other day, the word shame came up. She simply asked if that was something I felt. And I clearly remember saying, "I think I am past the shame part of it..."

But in reality... I tried to think of how I do feel about my past. And shame is honestly the only word that comes to mind. It's hard not to be shameful of things that I've done. Shame dates back to Adam and Eve when sin first entered this world.
Genesis 3:10—"He answered, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." 
Even though God knows what happened, we live in this world where all of our effort goes to figuring out how we can hide what we've done. I can honestly say that I have lived my life to hide my past from everyone else. I show the "put together" side of me, day in and day out.

Instead of with God, we live in a place called denial. 
Think back to all of the times where you have taken your sin and tried to put the blame on something other than yourself. I do it all the time! Why did you go to that party, Haley—Well SHE said that it would be fun and the cool thing to do! This denial also dates back to Adam and Eve.
Genesis 3:12-13—"The man said, "The woman, you put here with me—She gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it." Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, so I ate."
Adam blames God. Eve blames the serpent. Denial happens all the time. I can even remember back in high school when my PE teacher asked me if the "rumors were true" and I was quick to say, "Do you believe everything you hear? No they're not true." But of course—They definitely were.

Instead of with God, we live in a place called separation.
Separation. This is probably the hardest part of this cycle. I'm sure at one point in your life you have heard or said, "I've got to get back to God." But the truth is, we can't get back to God—Only Jesus can get us there. And once again, this dates back to the Garden of Eden.
Genesis 3:23-24, "So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life."
That tree of life is something we all constantly strive to get to. We want eternal life in heaven. But that flaming sword, the sin in our life, separates us from that.

The answer is Jesus.


Jesus came to deal with our sin.
The first step that we need to realize is that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. As long as we ask for forgiveness, we should not have shame for our sins. He carried that to the cross with him.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19, "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that God was reconciling the world himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation." 
God does not count our sins against us!

Jesus came to bring us back to God.
I think sometimes we forget that Jesus died for our sins so that we wouldn't have to. He was the ULTIMATE sacrifice. "For God so loved the world..." I think you know the rest of that one!
1 Peter 3:18, "For Christ died for our sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body, but made alive in the Spirit."
Christ died for us so that we could go back to God. Only through Jesus can we get there.

Jesus came to reunite us with God.
Once we realize that Jesus died for our sin and our shame, that is when we can truly live. That is when we can be reunited with Our King, the Lord God Almighty.
Colossians 1:19-22, "For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."
We are HOLY in his sight. WITHOUT blames. FREE from accusation.

The problem is sin. The answer is Jesus.

I think that shame is something that I will always struggle with, but to know that Christ died for that is simply amazing. He died so that we could be reunited with God and be able to get past that flaming sword to the Tree of Life.

Lord, thank you for giving us an 

answer to our sin. Without that, we

would be lost in a world of shame, 

denial, and separation. I pray that You 

continue to guide me through this life 

without having to deal with my shame.

Blessed Beyond Belief

It is probably one of the greatest feelings in life when you have experiences that you just know that it is God sitting by your side.

Lately I have been in this slump where I feel like things just haven't really been going my way. My grades aren't as good as I would like them, I am really struggling financially, I am not having a year where I feel included in the "George Fox Community" because I am living off campus, I am just getting over a nasty flu, and I am homesick more than I thought I would ever be.

But today has just been a HUGE blessing to me all around. It's one of those days that makes me realize that God really deserves so much more. I mean, I truly thank God for who I am today and I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Him, but how is it fair to Him that every time something bad goes wrong—I turn to Him and blame Him. In my last post I talked about how sometimes we think life should be fair because God is fair. But God is not life. God IS fair. But when things in life go wrong, by no means was it God trying to make "life unfair." God deserves so much more of me.

Today's Blessings:

• I have had a really nasty flu the last couple of weeks and today I woke up feeling better! I mean I am definitely not AMAZING, but I am not throwing up everywhere anymore.
• I had a coffee date with Melanie Hulbert and it was... simply wonderful. (Coffee wasn't an amazing choice after just getting over the flu, but it was great nonetheless.) Having coffee with Melanie reminded me of a quote I heard in a movie in my Social Work class the other day. "To be listened to and understood by someone who doesn't necessarily have to care...That's true comfort." Melanie genuinely wanted to know my story. And it was a blessing that I was able to share it.
• Today I got mail in my campus mail box and I still do not know the sender. What it had in it was a Bible verse and $200 cash. The front said "Haley Bellows #4777" and that was it. When I opened this, I teared up. I am SUPER struggling financially right now. My hours got cut at work, I can't find a second job, and I am behind on rent. And on top of that—My classes for Spring Semester got dropped because I have a financial hold on my account that has to be paid off by January 9th. This is probably one of the biggest blessings I have ever received and I FOREVER thankful for whoever did this. 
• I applied for a Serve Trip recently and received an interview for it! The chance to go over seas is something that I have been praying about for A LONG time and would be an answer to my prayers. I know that God closes doors just as fast as He opens them, so I know that if I don't make it–He has bigger and better plans for me. Interview is tomorrow at 11 and I will know by next week sometime if I made the team or not!
• And just an ending note to me being homesick—FINALS ARE ALMOST HERE! As much as those stress me out–I am ready for this semester to be over. =)

This verse is one that I have held on to for a long time. My junior year, after some huge things happened in my life, I went to the winter retreat. I took a 2 hour walk in the woods with Chrissy Shelton and that is a walk that changed my life. That night in the cabin–She hopped onto my bed and showed me this verse. And this just so happened to be the verse that was in the anonymous envelope in my mail today too.

"And we that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."—Romans 8:28

Also included on my note was: "God is might...keep working, seeking, smiling, and believing!"

Lord, You are so good.

Thank You for showing Yourself in

a way that I could never deny You.

You make all things work together 

for my good and I am forever thankful

to have such a protective God.