Choices

Sometimes I just wish God would make all the decisions for us. Wouldn't that just be delightful?
I hate making decisions and I always have been like that. When someone asks me what I want for dinner, I always reply with "I don't care." Most of the time I really don't! But it also has a lot to do with the fact that I don't want to be the one to decide.
Sometimes we are faced with decisions that could end up hurting someone in the end or end up hurting ourselves. In those kinds of situations, I would rather just be able to say, "Well God made me make that decision!"

Right now I am faced with a decision that doesn't necessarily have a bad consequence in the end, but will hugely determine how my next year at George Fox will be. I wish that God would have just made it easy to decide what I want to do, but he has really left this one up to me.

Everyone always says to go with your gut feeling, but I honestly had no idea what that was. I have done a lot of journaling, coffee dates, and prayer in order to really seek out God's will for my next year.

While doing a devotion and reading my Bible tonight when sitting at Red Leaf, I came across Ephesians 1:18. When I read this verse, I got that feeling in my gut. That one that every one says I should have. I think I know what I am going to do. =)

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you."

Lord, I pray that you give me some

affirmation in the decision I have made.

I really believe that you have put this choice

on my heart, and I am going to follow your lead.

Journey of Healing, Hope, and Wholeness.

This week is relationship week at George Fox and Monday night they did the "Sex Talk" where there were separate girls and guys rooms for students to ask questions to a panel of people that want to share their story and want to answer questions we have about anything.
We had 6 panelists that all had completely different stories. It's so interesting because if you took a little piece of each of their stories and combined them—That would be my story.

I know that I challenged myself earlier this year to be open, but I have honestly not ever taken the time to think about who to talk to. I mean, I have shared my story with some of the most important people in my life back home. But I have gained such great relationships here at Fox, but I seem to shy away from telling people who I really am and what has happened in my life that has shaped me.

Something that I that I have done is put a band aid over a gaping wound and assumed that I would be okay after that. Boy, was I wrong! After this panel, I found myself fighting back tears and asking for prayer because I desperately need to get that wound stitched up before it can heal properly.

I think that sharing my story is what causes a lot of healing, hope, and wholeness for me, but I think I tend to hold back sharing my story because the enemy has this stronghold of shame in my heart for things that have happened. But after the panel, I walked up to a panelist that I knew. While shaking, I told her I needed prayer and she asked if there was anything specific. I responded by telling her what panelist read the question I wrote down, and she knew what it was and hugged me tightly and prayed for me. I am very thankful to have her holding me accountable for sharing my story or I probably would try to avoid it. We had a time and date already figured out for our "time of goodness"

I think my journey to healing is about to begin again, even though I do know that this journey will last a lifetime.

Lord, I want to thank You for the amazing people

You have placed in my life. Whether it be the people

back home or the wonderful people here at Fox, You 

have blessed me beyond what I could ever ask for. 

I pray that You help me share my story in a way that

provides me with healing of my wounds. I pray that You

place people in my life that make me feel comfortable 

enough to open up. I pray for a beautiful journey of

 healing and hope. And Lord, make me feel whole again.

Gladness Meets Hunger

"The place God calls you to be is where your deepest gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

I was very challenged by this quote in chapel today.

What causes me to be filled with such a deep gladness?
What are my spiritual gifts?
What am I truly passionate about?

Why is it that get I get so dumbstruck over the question, "What makes you happy?"

I mean, the question really is not really that complex, yet I feel the need to have somewhat of a complex answer. And in a sense, this makes college career paths that much harder to think about. Is Social Work or Youth Ministry what God is calling me to do?

And then to look at the opposite side of this quote... What is the world's deep hunger? There are so many needs in this world, but what can I do to help? How has God wired me to help meet specific needs in this world?

"I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God." Ecclesiastes 3:11-12.

Be happy and do good=Deep gladness meeting world's deep hunger=the gift of God.

1. What is my deep gladness?

2. What is the world's deep hunger?

3. How do these go hand in hand in my life?

Lord, I pray that you reveal to me

what you call me to do through 

helping me figure out what brings me

deep gladness. And help me to open my

eyes to see the world's deep hunger

is too. I trust You to guide me.

Grace, Not Perfection.

Mind=Blown.
That was my first initial reaction after reading this.

It has been a couple weeks since I first read this quote, and I think I have beat myself up over the fact that I truly struggle when it comes to living a gracious life! Am I gracious with my apartment gets left a mess? Not usually. To people who are rude? Sometimes. To my friends and family when they really pinch the wrong nerve? Maybe not outwardly. To the several kids that I babysit that constantly pick fights with each other? Not at all.


There are things that I cannot change in the moment, but the way I respond to the situation is definitely what determines the outcome. I am 20 years old and I still find some kind of joy in being able to pick on my little sister sometimes. By all means I should not allow these kids to continue to do so, but do I really need to become instantly annoyed about it? Of course not!

This quote makes me realize that there are often too many instances that I have strived to be perfect. In my life, I have continually told myself that anything less than perfect is not good enough. And it is actually quite funny that I say that because I doubt anyone would have pegged me to be that person. I have made many decisions in my life that would never constitute themselves as perfect, but to me—it was my way of trying to be perfect to someone, in some way.

I have a constant battle with myself over this all the time. Being the perfect friend. At one point—The perfect girlfriend. The perfect roommate. The perfect counselor. The perfect role model. The perfect Christian.


The idea of being a perfect Christian is impossible, yet we see people striving to be this day in and day out. Including myself! 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."


What if I could embrace this idea of gracious living and make it the standard for me?
What if I could extend that grace outwardly, making myself a better person?
What if I could accept the grace that is constantly poured out to me and remember that it is perfect?

Sometimes I need to stop, think, and TRULY realize that God DOES see me as perfect in His eyes and it is all because of His marvelous GRACE.

I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection.

Lord, help me see myself as you see me.

Sometimes I try to be a perfectionist, but

if I could truly grasp that you already see

me as perfect, then maybe I will be able to

hold myself to a standard of grace. I want 

to knowingly live out a gracious life 

and extend that grace to others. 

From the Inside Out

Today in church we sang From the Inside Out by Hillsong United and it quickly reminded me of why I originally started this blog: To let people know how God is working in my life.

This blog has quite often become a place for me to vent rather than for me to share with people how great God is. And that is something that I would really like to change. I will still share with you my struggles because we all know how powerful prayer is and that sharing with others is a blessing, but I want to get back to the soul reason I started this blog.

It's amazing to me how much has changed for me. During this month 3 years ago, I was going through the hardest season of my life. I am no where close to the same person I was, and to think that three years is not really that long ago. On facebook the other day, someone posted "There is no room for shame at the foot of the cross, only worship." Three years ago, I would have responded to this quote in a completely different manner. I probably would have said in my mind, "But nobody knows the shame I am carrying around and dealing with right now." Although I still have a very hard time talking about this situation in my life, I have finally realized that this can no longer control me.

It took me a very, very long time to understand that my God is so much bigger than the problems I face. Even when I make choices in life that have some pretty bad consequences, there is nothing that I can truly do about it other than know that I am no longer the choices I made.

I feel so at peace with the fact that I full comprehend that my past is not me. My decisions in the past are no longer a temptation to me, but have rather been an experience that has taught me so much. I still do not share my story often, but I am working on that.

I was selected to go on a month long trip to Romania with a group of students and leaders from George Fox and this is going to be a very life-changing moment in my life that I am very excited about.  This trip has also given me the opportunity to share my story with my team. I do admit that I am nervous for when this time comes though!

I want to be able to share my story so that I can show others that God truly transforms people from the inside out. I don't want to bring glory to things that have gone wrong in my life, but rather give all the glory to God for consuming me daily. There is just something about when you give control to God and know that every time you stumble, His grace will be right there to catch you.

Lord, I don't know how to explain

how grateful I am to be consumed daily

by Your presence. Your glory truly does

go beyond all fame. Thank you for 

transforming me from the inside out. 

I will continue to bring You praise.