Loved and Not Alone

Today was an extremely hard day for me. 

From fighting with family to getting sick.... 

Everything just completely started off wrong.

I am just tired. Tired of being sick. Tired of laying around. Tired of hoping and praying for miracles. Tired of feeling like a burden. Tired of not being in a place of peace. Tired of people being afraid to talk to me. Tired of not knowing what I need. 

Tired. Tired. Tired. 

Just give up!—These are the words that are constantly being whispered in to my ear. The enemy is longing for a foothold.

And as tempting as it is, I know that is not an option. 

I know I can uncover more strength to keep fighting.

"I know you're pissed and upset, that totally makes sense, but you're too strong to not fight—get in your basketball mode ;) meanie!"

I received this in an email from a friend, and it made me laugh. I told her that when I played basketball in high school, I used to grab jerseys when the ref couldn't see. And since I was put in the post position for awhile because I was tough, but not tall by any means, my coaches taught me how to make the tall opponent's leg give out without getting called for it if they were posting up on me. 

The way I played basketball was survival mode for me. I was only 5'7 and playing post. If I wanted to win, I had to do whatever it took to make sure I didn't get defeated.

I think that is definitely one way at taking this on. 

But that is definitely not the only way...

I know that a lot of my strength comes from those around me who love me and are walking alongside of me. As long as I remember to "not let the crazies in my head," I think just knowing that I am loved is something that gives me the strength to keep fighting. And I think everyone shows their love differently, and that's okay.

Listening to me vent.

Giving me hugs (which is one of my personal favorites) 

Sending me cards or gifts.

Just wanting to hang out, even if it just means being present.

Cute texts that let me know I am being thought of.

Talking about dog poop because I wanted "normal" conversation. 

Or even subscribing to cancer blogs so they know how to help me.

Being reminded and knowing that I am loved is the thing that I can say has probably made me hold on for so long and what will make me continue to fight. 

So for those of you who always ask "Is there anything I can do?" 

Remind me that I am loved, that I am not alone, that you are on my side, and that I am strong enough to keep fighting.

Don't remind me that everything is going to be alright or that God has a plan for this. Both of which I know are true, but are not words that I find comfort in. 

I also want to encourage people to not be afraid to talk to me because you don't know what to say. I completely understand that, and I am willing to forgive you if you get it wrong. Because honestly—a lot of people have and probably will continue to do so. But please don't be discouraged if I correct you.

I have also found a lot of encouragement through music, so if you don't know what to say but there is a song that you want me to hear, send it to me! I would love to add it to my itunes.

My song of the day has been Strong Enough by Matthew West. 

"Well maybe

Maybe that's the point

To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally

Finally at rock bottom

That's when I start looking up

And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be

Everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up

I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now I'm asking you to be

Strong enough for both of us." 

I know I am not walking this road alone and unloved, and the reminders of that are what make the road much smoother. 

Lord, thank you for the people You   

  have put in my life that want to know how

to love me through this. And I want to pray

that you continue to work in the hearts

of those who have been negative. 

Blessing Rather Than Burden

It's crazy how quickly my life changed within one month.
Well, I would say that it changed a lot quicker than that...
But today marks one month since the word cancer turned my world upside down.

I always wanted to plan ahead. I would always have a plan as to what I would be doing each day. And that has completely changed. I rarely know what I am going to be doing on an hour-to-hour basis because who knows how I will be feeling.

It's funny how much my relationships and conversations with people have changed.
The majority of my incoming texts consist of asking how I am doing.

And I am not complaining about that all, but I just find it interesting that when I am honest about how I am feeling, it's like all of sudden they become.... Uncomfortable.

I am trying not to bottle up ant feelings I have lately because when I do that, I tend to either not be able to sleep at night when my head hits the pillow, or I find myself crying....A lot. I don't think crying is a bad thing at all, but I am not a fan of crying myself to sleep.

That being said... If you ask how I am doing, be ready for an honest answer. Don't make things awkward by only answering, "Oh..." Which surprisingly has happened quite a bit.

Sometimes I wish that conversations could be normal. I wish that I could sit down with friends and talk about how our weeks are going. Talk about TV shows, boys, family, school, etc. But I have found that those conversations sometimes are disheartening when all that I can say is that I have been laying in bed for weeks while watching TV and movies. I just wish things could go back to the way they were!

I hate feeling like I am a burden.

I don't like when people feel like they have to hang out with me.
I don't mind being home alone.
I don't like when people feel like they have to be texting me.
I don't mind my phone not ringing off the hook.
I don't like when people feel like they have to do everything for me.
I don't mind doing things for myself.

I know that there are people who genuinely want to do these things, so don't take this the wrong way. But for those of you who I know have done it out of sympathy, it can sometimes make things harder for me...

I know that I am only a month in to what is going to be a very long journey, but I just can't wait until the day where things return back to normal...

And by normal I just mean that everything doesn't evolve around me being sick.

Lord, I wish things didn't have to change so

drastically within one month. I pray that You

can make me feel like a blessing in people's 

lives, rather than burden. I just want to feel like 

a normal college student. Enjoying summer break,

even in the midst of being sick. Thank you so much

for genuine friends that you have placed in my life.

Praying For Peace Within His Promises

I have had a hard time gathering my thoughts in the midst of more bad news.
My whole life has been trial after trial. Does it ever end?

I found this quote yesterday that I felt somewhat tied a lot of my thoughts up in one.

"Hope does not erase pain. It simply enables us to bear it."

Before I was gripping on to the thread of Christ's presence, but that has changed. 

I feel like I am now dangling from a very thin thread of hope.
And I mean, very thin.


I have found myself completely fearing this unknown future.
I don't know how to get rid of this feeling of absolute helplessness.
I have been overcome by soul-wrenching emotions that I have never felt in my entire life.

Sadness is something that I have thought was not really an emotion I was feeling. I have cried endless amounts of tears, but it never felt like it was out of sadness.

Frustration, maybe?
Bitterness?
Anger?
All of the above?

But even if I don't think that I am sad, that emotion is part of the broken world that we live in. And it has been since the beginning.

"Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint;
heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, LORD, how long?
I am worn out from my groaning
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes."
—Psalm 6:2-3, 6-7.

Though these words may seem dismal, I feel like they have provided me with some form of comfort. It is so applicable to my life right now, and I have found reassurance that these words are not glossing over the pain and suffering I feel.

There are quite a few people that I know, including some of my family, that assume that since I am a Christian, I should be happy all the time. That even when times are rough, I won't feel pain.

There is no where in the Bible that says that we won't live a life of despair. The Bible displays hurting people. People who cry out for help and are not afraid to show emotion.

God does not want us to pretend.
He knows that we won't ever have it all together.
The only thing that He looks for is for us to come to Him.

He hears. He listens. He cares.

"The LORD has heard my weeping.
The LORD has heard my my cry for mercy;
The LORD accepts my prayer."
—Psalm 6:8-9.

No matter how bad things get, God's love does not fail us.
He keeps His promises.

He is here.
Right next to me.
Holding me in His loving embrace.
Giving me strength to face each new day.

I am praying that I will soon come to a place of peace within those promises of His again. And with the help of others, I do believe that I can....

Eventually.

Lord, I want to thank You for the people You

have put in my life that allow me to show my

emotions and encourage me to talk. I pray that 

You continue to give me the strength to make it 

through each day knowing that You are always near.

I Have Faith, Despite My Anger.

I was not feeling well today and spent a lot of time journaling this morning and afternoon. 

Which in turn, always brings up a lot of emotion.

I spent the day trying to figure out what I am really feeling on the inside without rushing to my knowledge that Christ is present.

There were so many things I felt like doing.

Yell.
Complain.
Vent.
Throw a fit.
Cry.
Question.

I mean, what is stopping me? Nothing.
Will people think that I don't trust Jesus because I am angry? No.
Do I fear letting those raw emotions be seen? That's what it seems like.


I have been encouraged by many to show my emotion, yet I continue to hold back.
God is questioned in the Bible, yet I have a hard time doing so.

"Why, Lord, for you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" Psalm 10:1.


I don't think I have quite wrapped my head around the fact that it is possible to think that life sucks and that God is good. I do not need to rush through the pain and suffering to demonstrate that I have faith. 


I was reading another blog today that talked about a lady who lost her daughter in a car accident at age seven. She said, "I knew that if God was really God, His chest was big enough for me to pound on."

How could it get any truer than that?!

I can just imagine getting close enough to pound on God's chest while having a crying fit, yet all He does is reach down and embrace me in His arms with love.

As a Christian, I am told to recount the good deeds of God. To tell stories of his faithfulness and the times in which I have been redeemed. But what I need to realize is that those stories fully include the times when I was angry and questioned God.

I am able to show my true feelings without fear that He will ever leave my side.

I don't have a happy ending to my story yet, but I am able to say that God has definitely been here in the midst of these troubling times. No matter what. 

Lord, here I am. Once again. 

Angry and questioning.

I just want this suffering to end. 

I want to be in a safe harbor in my life 

and it feels like that is not near.

Help me to understand that it is

okay to show my emotions. That it is

possible to be in the midst of Life Sucking,

and know that You are still good through it all. 

Friendship In An Unlikely Place

I met a wonderful new friend a couple weeks ago. Her name is Sheraya and she is 20 years old. She has been battling leukemia for 3 years now and has a heart of gold.

She grew up in the foster care system because when she was young, her mom died and her dad went to prison. She explained to me how she bounced around from home to home because she rarely got along with her foster parents. She was with her last family for 3 years. She was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 17 and was very functional the first couple of years.

As soon as she graduated from high school, she moved out of the house. She said that her foster parents were always just fighting about Sheraya being sick and she was fed up with being in the middle of it. She was soon admitted in to the hospital after she moved out and has been there ever since.

But the thing about Sheraya that inspires me is her courage and strength. She has absolutely no one but the hospital staff supporting her. Her foster families don't support her and she never really had any close friends in high school, so she has been doing this alone.

 She is getting sicker and sicker every day, and not expected to make it another year.

And on top of that... She doesn't know the Lord!

That girl is amazing. I don't know how she does it. She has an unexplainable strength within herself that is far beyond what I could ever imagine. I mean, I have a huge support system AND I know the Lord... And I still have a hard time fighting.

She was pretty open to talking about God which I thought was super awesome, but as soon as I said Heavenly Father, she got really disinterested. Almost the same exact face that I used to get when people referred to Him as my father. I understand the negative connotation with that and I loved diving down deeper with her in to what it means to have the Lord as our Heavenly Father.

She started becoming more interested in learning about my life, so I was completely open with her. I told her my story and how I came to know the Lord.

She looked at me with a confused face and said, "How could you possibly believe that there is a 'Heavenly Father' who loves you when you have experienced so much pain and suffering throughout your life?"

This is a question that I have been asked several times, but I still don't think I have a perfected answer. I believe that I serve a God whose goodness is beyond comparable to anything within this lifetime. I believe that even if I continue to be dealt a crappy hand, I serve a God who has a vision for me to be in a safe place. God is good and He has never left my side. Sheraya really brought to my attention how deep my roots are set in Christ.

Ever since I met her, I have really wanted to figure out what it is that is holding her back from building a relationship with God. When I went to visit her last I brought a bouquet of flowers, a card that I completely filled with my hopes for her, and a little business card that said this:

"This Prayer Changed My Life:
Dear Lord Jesus, I know I have sinned and done wrong, please forgive me of my sin and give me eternal life. I now trust You Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior. Help me to have a growing relationship with You, and to become the Christian person You want me to be. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen."


I didn't hear back from her for a long time and I was worried that she may have been turned off in some way by the long really long card that I wrote out, but I finally got a text from her today!

This is her text word for word:

"Hey Haley! Sorry it has been so long since we have spoken. Not only have I been really sick lately, but I have been so stuck on trying to figure out who God really is. The nurses gave me one of those pocket Bibles that have Psalms, Proverbs, and the New Testament in it. I now completely understand how you have found so much strength in Him. I wanted to thank you so much for your card and especially the little business card that had the prayer on it. But I do have one request from you... I want you to be the one that is with me when I give my life to Christ. You are such an inspiration and a true angel from God."


OH MY GOSH! I started crying when I got this text!
I can't wait to get together with Sheraya next!

God has a way of bringing people together even amidst pain and suffering. And because of that, I was able to help lead someone to Him.

Lord, I want to thank You for this opportunity

to speak truth in to the lives of others. For this 

opportunity to let Your light shine through me 

even amidst the worst of circumstances. I don't

know what this time with Sheraya will be like 

when I see her next, but I pray that you completely

bless our next time together in way 

that will completely glorify You.