Well, I would say that it changed a lot quicker than that...
But today marks one month since the word cancer turned my world upside down.
I always wanted to plan ahead. I would always have a plan as to what I would be doing each day. And that has completely changed. I rarely know what I am going to be doing on an hour-to-hour basis because who knows how I will be feeling.
It's funny how much my relationships and conversations with people have changed.
The majority of my incoming texts consist of asking how I am doing.
And I am not complaining about that all, but I just find it interesting that when I am honest about how I am feeling, it's like all of sudden they become.... Uncomfortable.
I am trying not to bottle up ant feelings I have lately because when I do that, I tend to either not be able to sleep at night when my head hits the pillow, or I find myself crying....A lot. I don't think crying is a bad thing at all, but I am not a fan of crying myself to sleep.
That being said... If you ask how I am doing, be ready for an honest answer. Don't make things awkward by only answering, "Oh..." Which surprisingly has happened quite a bit.
Sometimes I wish that conversations could be normal. I wish that I could sit down with friends and talk about how our weeks are going. Talk about TV shows, boys, family, school, etc. But I have found that those conversations sometimes are disheartening when all that I can say is that I have been laying in bed for weeks while watching TV and movies. I just wish things could go back to the way they were!
I hate feeling like I am a burden.
I don't like when people feel like they have to hang out with me.
I don't mind being home alone.
I don't like when people feel like they have to be texting me.
I don't mind my phone not ringing off the hook.
I don't like when people feel like they have to do everything for me.
I don't mind doing things for myself.
I know that there are people who genuinely want to do these things, so don't take this the wrong way. But for those of you who I know have done it out of sympathy, it can sometimes make things harder for me...
I know that I am only a month in to what is going to be a very long journey, but I just can't wait until the day where things return back to normal...
And by normal I just mean that everything doesn't evolve around me being sick.
Lord, I wish things didn't have to change so
drastically within one month. I pray that You
can make me feel like a blessing in people's
lives, rather than burden. I just want to feel like
a normal college student. Enjoying summer break,
even in the midst of being sick. Thank you so much
for genuine friends that you have placed in my life.
Hey gal, you are not a burden! I remember when my mother passed away, everyone kept calling and asking how our family was doing. It was super annoying and felt awkward and took me a long time to understand that people just cared about my family and didn't quite know how to act.
ReplyDeleteIf you're looking to be a normal college student on summer break, you better bust out your swimsuit and show Stella how to ride on Grandpa Alan's boat! :)