From The Inside Out: Loved and Not Alone

Today was an extremely hard day for me.

From fighting with family to getting sick....

Everything just completely started off wrong.

I am just tired. Tired of being sick. Tired of laying around. Tired of hoping and praying for miracles. Tired of feeling like a burden. Tired of not being in a place of peace. Tired of people being afraid to talk to me. Tired of not knowing what I need.

Tired. Tired. Tired.

Just give up!—These are the words that are constantly being whispered in to my ear. The enemy is longing for a foothold.

And as tempting as it is, I know that is not an option.

I know I can uncover more strength to keep fighting.

"I know you're pissed and upset, that totally makes sense, but you're too strong to not fight—get in your basketball mode ;) meanie!"

I received this in an email from a friend, and it made me laugh. I told her that when I played basketball in high school, I used to grab jerseys when the ref couldn't see. And since I was put in the post position for awhile because I was tough, but not tall by any means, my coaches taught me how to make the tall opponent's leg give out without getting called for it if they were posting up on me.

The way I played basketball was survival mode for me. I was only 5'7 and playing post. If I wanted to win, I had to do whatever it took to make sure I didn't get defeated.

I think that is definitely one way at taking this on.

But that is definitely not the only way...

I know that a lot of my strength comes from those around me who love me and are walking alongside of me. As long as I remember to "not let the crazies in my head," I think just knowing that I am loved is something that gives me the strength to keep fighting. And I think everyone shows their love differently, and that's okay.

Listening to me vent.

Giving me hugs (which is one of my personal favorites)

Sending me cards or gifts.

Just wanting to hang out, even if it just means being present.

Cute texts that let me know I am being thought of.

Talking about dog poop because I wanted "normal" conversation.

Or even subscribing to cancer blogs so they know how to help me.

Being reminded and knowing that I am loved is the thing that I can say has probably made me hold on for so long and what will make me continue to fight.

So for those of you who always ask "Is there anything I can do?"

Remind me that I am loved, that I am not alone, that you are on my side, and that I am strong enough to keep fighting.

Don't remind me that everything is going to be alright or that God has a plan for this. Both of which I know are true, but are not words that I find comfort in.

I also want to encourage people to not be afraid to talk to me because you don't know what to say. I completely understand that, and I am willing to forgive you if you get it wrong. Because honestly—a lot of people have and probably will continue to do so. But please don't be discouraged if I correct you.

I have also found a lot of encouragement through music, so if you don't know what to say but there is a song that you want me to hear, send it to me! I would love to add it to my itunes.

My song of the day has been Strong Enough by Matthew West.

"Well maybe

Maybe that's the point

To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally

Finally at rock bottom

That's when I start looking up

And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be

Everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up

I'm not strong enough