The Waiting Game

I hate waiting.

I have to wait to hear my results.
I have to wait to go back to Fox.
I have to wait before I can take a bath (which I desperately want to do!)

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Yes, I have a positive attitude through most of this, but I also don't put my angers and frustrations on facebook. That is what my blog is for.

Today I posted "Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to the doctors I go (insert whistling here)." Which almost makes it seem as if I didn't have a problem going to the doctors.

But in reality, my aunt had to literally drag me out of bed. I woke up this morning and somehow forgot about my leg and swung quickly out of bed and obviously put way too much pressure on that leg because I collapsed to the ground in tears. The movement that I did wasn't any different than any normal person would do, but my leg isn't ready for that yet.

After this happened, I got back in bed and told myself that I was not even going to try. I got really stubborn and decided that maybe if I just stopped trying to walk on it and just stayed in bed all week then maybe by next week it would be completely fine to walk on.

We all know that this would not work, as my leg would probably stiffen and my muscle wouldn't heal right, but I am just sick of taking baby steps. I am still trying to find the milestones that I can celebrate, but it's been 2 days since I walked the distance of the hallway at the hospital and I have not been able to walk that far again.

I think I was just so eager to get out of the hospital, that I was so determined to do whatever it took.

Going into the surgery I knew that there was going to be pain involved, and a recovery time. I guess I just underestimated how much "recovery" there would be. I didn't know that I would have to pretty much treat my leg as if they just did knee surgery and learn to walk all over again. They cut through my upper thigh muscles and nerves to remove lymph nodes. Who knew that I wouldn't be able to walk because of that?

I told many people before surgery that I wish there was a way to have surgery, but not have to deal with recovery. I think I wished that now more than ever.

After my aunt drug me out bed, she worked with me on walking out to the car by myself. I made it about a fourth of the way there and wanted to sit down on the ground.

The image I had in my head was a little kid laying on their belly, kicking their arms and legs, screaming and crying.

If only that was appropriate for a 20-year-old to do...

Milestones

This recovery time is going to be all about milestones for me. It is extremely hard to be held up in bed so much.

I was laying in bed from 10am on Friday until 10am on Sunday.
A whole 48 hours!

If you know me at all, you know that this does not rest well with me. I had to eat gross hospital food (except my first meal after surgery), I couldn't even use an actual bathroom, I still haven't been able to shower since Friday morning, and it hurts to move most of the time.

This morning when I woke up the doctors realized that it had been 24 hours and my fluid bag only had 19mL in it, meaning they were able to remove the tubes from my leg.

After they removed the tube, they bandaged up my leg and said that the physical therapist would be in in about an hour or so to see if I could walk. This brought a huge smile to my face! I think I looked at the clock every minute during that hour hoping that she would be coming in early.

When she walked in the door, I was ready to jump out of bed but little did I realize-my body was definitely not ready to do that.

As soon as I stood up, I was in so much pain that I wanted to lay back down. She continued to inform me that I needed to take some steps. I took about 5 steps and then got back in bed.

This was really frustrating to me. I guess I just had such high expectations for my recovery that I just wished that I wasn't going to be held up for so long.

I was then told that if I could walk down to the end of the hallway without excruciating pain, then I could go home.

Challenge accepted.

I worked hard every other hour to take a couple more steps each time, and the second before last time I realized that it was going to take about 15 steps to get to the end of the hallway. (technically 30 steps because I am counting steps by just my right leg).

So around 4pm I got up out of my bed knowing that this was going to be the time I made it to the end. I started walking and about 3/4 of the way there, my leg was super tired. I never realized how much you use your upper thigh when walking, but I was determined to make it.

When I reached the end of the hallway, I collapsed on the ground in exhaustion and my physical therapist started clapping. This boosted my spirits a whole lot. I haven't started making my trek home yet, but I am pretty sure we are leaving within the next couple of hours. I don't know what my next milestone will be, but I am excited to find the joy in it.

Every single milestone, whether big or small, is a chance to find joy in this hard journey. And a chance to give glory to our Heavenly Father who is in control of every detail in this season of my life.

"Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right, and the determined choice to praise God in all things."

I truly believe that in this time of familiar, but unknown territory that by clinging onto God's presence does not show any special strength on my part, but rather that God does provide strength when you need it most.

His Light Shines

Before the surgery, I knew that there was a possibility of having to wait awhile before I heard the results from the biopsies they will be doing. But today I found out that it is going to close to 2 weeks, if not more before I find out my next plan of treatment is.

If the lymph nodes that they removed from my armpit show any sign of cancer, then that means I have stage 3 lymphoma and will be needing to start chemotherapy again as soon as possible. If they don't show cancer, then they will do a scan to make sure that there aren't any other swollen lymph nodes and then do a couple radiations and then I would be declared in complete remission. So these are obviously 2 opposite sides of the spectrum that we are looking at.

I had a meltdown this morning thinking about the things that could potentially lie ahead. I don't want to have to start going through chemo again. I don't want to have to suit up for battle once again and have to endure through the intense pain that I felt before. I can only pray that God will intercede on my behalf; that He would make this cancer be gone from my body. Does healing count when it is only temporary? I know that He has plans for me beyond my cancer, but when will that be? 

After spending all this time questioning the Lord and what the purpose in having to go through this once again was, I picked up Jesus Calling. 

And again, the Lord is so faithful. 

October 6th.

     Be willing to follow wherever I lead. Follow Me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don't know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight, but nonetheless very real. To receive these gifts, you much walk by faith–not by sight. This doesn't mean closing your eyes to what is all around you. It means subordinating the visible world to the invisible Shepherd of your soul.

     Sometimes I lead you up a high mountain with only My hand to support you. The higher you climb, the more spectacular the view becomes; also, the more keenly you sense your separation from the world with all its problems. This frees you to experience exuberantly the joyous reality of My Presence. Give yourself fully to these Glory-moments, awash in dazzling Light. I will eventually lead you down the mountain, back in community with others. Let My Light continue to shine within you as you walk among people again.

2 Corinthians 5:7

For we live by faith, not by sight.

Psalm 96:6

Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and glory are in his sanctuary. 

Because the Lord knows what lies ahead, then I am choosing to have faith that I am going to be okay. I will continue to let His light shine through this suffering as I walk among other people. 

He is Faithful

I lay here 45 minutes before my surgery reminded of God's faithfulness in my life. The doctors are finally done poking me with needles, and then I received a text from a friend saying they read Jesus Calling today and thought of me. I then remembered that I had Jesus Calling in my backpack. This devotional book is a 365 day devotion, so it has each date written at the top. 

Today: October 5th.

       Remember that Joy is not dependent on your circumstances. Come of the world's most miserable people are those whose circumstances seem most enviable. People who reach the top of the ladder career-wise are often surprised to find emptiness awaiting them. True Joy is a by-product of living in My Presence. Therefore you can experience it in palaces, in prisons...anywhere.

       Do not judge a day as devoid of Joy just because it contains difficulties. Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me. Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves. Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them. If you make problem-solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult days.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree does not bud

   and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

   and the fields produce no food, 

though there are no sheep in the pen

   and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

   I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;

   he makes my feet like the feet of a deeer,

   he enables me to treat on the heights.

1 Chronicles 16:27

Splendor and majesty are before him;

   strength and joy are in his dwelling place.

I was just given a ten minute warning to head into the actually surgery room to finish final preparations. I know it seems crazy that I am blogging right before going under, but I wanted you to be able to rejoice in His faithfulness with me. 

God works in incredible ways!

Joy as Strength

Packing was really easy this morning. Normally when I am coming home I have to think about all the things I am planning on doing and what I should wear for that.

Church clothes.
Coffee date clothes.
Hang out clothes.
Sleepover clothes.
And so many other things.

This time it was simple... After surgery clothes was all that I needed. Which completely consisted of basketball shorts, running shorts, sweats, and a lot of cut-off shirts as well as oversize t-shirts.

Tomorrow is the big day. The incisions that they will be doing are on my upper leg/groin area and then one on my side by my armpit. Very awkward places! Which explains the clothes that I packed. I need loose fitting, comfortable clothing that will not bother my incisions.

I ended up saving packing for the last minute because I really did not want to do it. I did not want to face the reality that I was leaving Fox and heading back to Washington for an extended period of time. I mean, I feel like I just got back to school!

I have been wanting so much to sit down and write the last couple of weeks because there is so much emotion surrounding the fact that the cancer came back, but I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't, and still can't, find the words to say.

I want to be able to say that I am doing great, or that this is a lot easier the second time around. Which in a sense, yes–it is. But cancer is cancer no matter how many times you have it.

Something that I have come to know realize though is that God is still good no matter how many times I get cancer.

Yes, there are days where I don't feel like getting up.
Yes, there are days when I feel like God is distant.
Yes, there are days that I wish things were different.

But I am still clinging to the fact that He has never left my side. I don't believe that God had cancer in His plan for me, but I do believe that He can bring some kind of purpose to it since He has chosen not to intercede yet.

I have been surprised at how many people have told me that they are inspired by my continued trust in the Lord despite the challenges I have been facing. But I think I am only surprised at that because what else would I do in a time like this?

If I turned my back on the Lord whenever I had a hard season in my life, I don't think I would ever be in relationship with Him.

Yes, obviously cancer sucks–a whole lot–but I can't help but trust that even amidst my fear, frustration, anxiety, shock, etc—God is ready to use this for His Kingdom.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7.

I am choosing to rejoice in the Lord by letting His joy be my strength through this.