I hate waiting.
I have to wait to hear my results.
I have to wait to go back to Fox.
I have to wait before I can take a bath (which I desperately want to do!)
Wait. Wait. Wait.
Yes, I have a positive attitude through most of this, but I also don't put my angers and frustrations on facebook. That is what my blog is for.
Today I posted "Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to the doctors I go (insert whistling here)." Which almost makes it seem as if I didn't have a problem going to the doctors.
But in reality, my aunt had to literally drag me out of bed. I woke up this morning and somehow forgot about my leg and swung quickly out of bed and obviously put way too much pressure on that leg because I collapsed to the ground in tears. The movement that I did wasn't any different than any normal person would do, but my leg isn't ready for that yet.
After this happened, I got back in bed and told myself that I was not even going to try. I got really stubborn and decided that maybe if I just stopped trying to walk on it and just stayed in bed all week then maybe by next week it would be completely fine to walk on.
We all know that this would not work, as my leg would probably stiffen and my muscle wouldn't heal right, but I am just sick of taking baby steps. I am still trying to find the milestones that I can celebrate, but it's been 2 days since I walked the distance of the hallway at the hospital and I have not been able to walk that far again.
I think I was just so eager to get out of the hospital, that I was so determined to do whatever it took.
Going into the surgery I knew that there was going to be pain involved, and a recovery time. I guess I just underestimated how much "recovery" there would be. I didn't know that I would have to pretty much treat my leg as if they just did knee surgery and learn to walk all over again. They cut through my upper thigh muscles and nerves to remove lymph nodes. Who knew that I wouldn't be able to walk because of that?
I told many people before surgery that I wish there was a way to have surgery, but not have to deal with recovery. I think I wished that now more than ever.
After my aunt drug me out bed, she worked with me on walking out to the car by myself. I made it about a fourth of the way there and wanted to sit down on the ground.
The image I had in my head was a little kid laying on their belly, kicking their arms and legs, screaming and crying.
If only that was appropriate for a 20-year-old to do...
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you are so honest and so open about what you've been going through. recovery sucks sometimes. you are so entitled to vent!!! we can't always have the best attitude when things are hard. i wish there would be something we could do, apart from words that we write here.
ReplyDeletei had a hard time having a good attitude during my pregnancy (maybe i shouldn't even try to compare that to what you've been through). those were some 9 loooong months of fighting for my breath, fighting against the worst depression i thought existed...and i remember praying and asking for forgiveness...i prayed that God would forgive me for how i felt. even my prayers were sad...until God embraced me and said to my heart that IT WAS OK! he was ok with my feelings. he had been ok with my feelings during my depression years but i had forgotten.
as i said before, i wish there was something more that we...that i could do, except from saying things.
love from here.
cristina from romania