Joy as Strength

Packing was really easy this morning. Normally when I am coming home I have to think about all the things I am planning on doing and what I should wear for that.

Church clothes.
Coffee date clothes.
Hang out clothes.
Sleepover clothes.
And so many other things.

This time it was simple... After surgery clothes was all that I needed. Which completely consisted of basketball shorts, running shorts, sweats, and a lot of cut-off shirts as well as oversize t-shirts.

Tomorrow is the big day. The incisions that they will be doing are on my upper leg/groin area and then one on my side by my armpit. Very awkward places! Which explains the clothes that I packed. I need loose fitting, comfortable clothing that will not bother my incisions.

I ended up saving packing for the last minute because I really did not want to do it. I did not want to face the reality that I was leaving Fox and heading back to Washington for an extended period of time. I mean, I feel like I just got back to school!

I have been wanting so much to sit down and write the last couple of weeks because there is so much emotion surrounding the fact that the cancer came back, but I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't, and still can't, find the words to say.

I want to be able to say that I am doing great, or that this is a lot easier the second time around. Which in a sense, yes–it is. But cancer is cancer no matter how many times you have it.

Something that I have come to know realize though is that God is still good no matter how many times I get cancer.

Yes, there are days where I don't feel like getting up.
Yes, there are days when I feel like God is distant.
Yes, there are days that I wish things were different.

But I am still clinging to the fact that He has never left my side. I don't believe that God had cancer in His plan for me, but I do believe that He can bring some kind of purpose to it since He has chosen not to intercede yet.

I have been surprised at how many people have told me that they are inspired by my continued trust in the Lord despite the challenges I have been facing. But I think I am only surprised at that because what else would I do in a time like this?

If I turned my back on the Lord whenever I had a hard season in my life, I don't think I would ever be in relationship with Him.

Yes, obviously cancer sucks–a whole lot–but I can't help but trust that even amidst my fear, frustration, anxiety, shock, etc—God is ready to use this for His Kingdom.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7.

I am choosing to rejoice in the Lord by letting His joy be my strength through this.