So Worried.

Isn't it just amazing how people can be so worried about things that with prayer and faith God provides for you? I went through this situation with several different categories and really just sat and prayed and knew God would provide me with what I needed as long as I trust in Him.

I was so worried about making friends...

(Me. Kelly. Kris. Taviah. Emily)

(Austin, Rachel)

(Ben)

 GOD PROVIDED!

I was so worried about having the things needed to unpack and decorate my room....

(My side of the dorm.. Not finished completely)

GOD PROVIDED!

I was so worried about having fun...

(Mystery Bus Tour)

(Ice skating!)

GOD PROVIDED!

I was so worried about being who I am and fitting in....

(All Campus Worship Symbolic Activity)

GOD PROVIDED!

I really just wanted you fill people in on how things are going.

And although I completely miss everyone,

I am so glad that God has given me this opportunity to get out into the world, discover my own faith, and be able to be in a complete Christian environment all the time...

More Beautiful You

I have been really struggling lately with self image and self worth lately.

I don't necessarily look at myself and think less of me because of my body weight or the way things look.

But more of what kind of things I have chosen to do

or things that have been done to my body in the past.

And that is where the self worth problems come in.

I always feel like the things in my past are going to greatly affect me in the future.

Like who I am going to marry.

God has someone out there for me

 but I always feel like once that person knows everything about me,

 it is going to change everything.

But that is what God is preparing in the heart of the one I am going to marry.

The willingness to help me with my past and accept that

that is part of who I am.

I got home tonight and really just sat and prayed for God to help me through this

and somehow let me know that there is someone out there and he will think I am perfect.

I then decided to listen online to KLOVE and read my Bible.

As I was laying down reading, the song More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz came on.

I absolutely wept in tears knowing that God is playing this song for me.

In this song it says in one part:

 "But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true and he'll treat you like the jewel you are"

I couldnt believe what I was hearing at first.

This was the answer to my prayer I had said not even 10 minutes earlier.

This song is so amazing and the chorus gets me everytime.

"There could never be a more beautiful you.

Don't buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through.

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do.

So there could never be a more beautiful you."

I posted the song below that has all the lyrics

for those who have not heard the song, or really needed a reminder

that God is going to provide you with someone.

And that you are PERFECT and Beautiful just the way you are.

Attacked!

So yesterday I was having an emotional roller coaster of a day and I knew the moment that the Enemy realized that I was weak and vulnerable, he was going to attack....

Sure enough, he did.

In the midst of trying to journal and just type out all my feelings for the stressful day, I just sat there in daze for a couple minutes and my mind started going off. I started thinking about things that have been done to me and how I responded to those situations with self worth problems and trying to fill that void.

 I started thinking that in an situation where I am hurt, I am going to turn to all that again... I was talking to a couple different people last night and I was just bitter about everything that happened. I was continuously trying to make my self worth seem non-existent again.

I immediately just took a stand and said
 "I am being attacked!"

Sometimes when we are attacked we may become ruled by our emotions and get to the point that we attack back in an irrational manner thus ruining our own testimony. Satan wanted to draw me in so he can diminish my spiritual and physical strength. Satan wanted me to commit all my resources to the attack so that I would be of no value to the Kingdom of God.

I was feeling vulnerable after having a long day and barely any sleep to add to that factor, and didnt think about how the Enemy was going to be waiting for the perfect time to do it. Sometimes I think its so hard to believe that all of this can happen in a period of 4 hours, but it did.

I literally got as far as thinking about future relationships in this attack. I automatically though to myself that anyone that I get close to in that manner is going to judge me because of my past. I thought that I was disqualified from ever finding true love. Satan tells us such horrible lies in the moments of attack and when you are weak, you have no choice but to believe them. And with me, if I try to ignore these lies and accusations, it will all turn into guilt and shame.

I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life to whom I know I can turn to and talk to about my attack and be able to calm down through it and realize once again that God is on my side. He has given me the authority to stop the Enemy mid-attack.

This is not the first of my attacks and I know it will not be the last, but I fear for those yet to come.
God did not give me a spirit of fear but the spirit of power and love through Christ Jesus.

You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

-John 8:44

One Year!

So as of today, 7/24/10, I have been baptized for one whole year!

I have just returned from Mayfield Lake Youth Camp and who I was last year at this point at camp, is a totally different person that I am today coming home from camp now...

Last year I remember trying to figure out who I was in Christ.

I was Confused. Broken. Hurting. Lost.

This year is COMPLETELY different.

I am Filled. Compassionate. Over joyed. Genuinely happy.

This past year I have had uncountable blessings.

I believe that God needs to receive all the glory for things He has done in my born again life.

• God blessed me with the most amazing opportunity to serve Him. He provided me with funds and with the support to go on a mission trip to San Francisco. He really worked through my heart when we were there. I have been completely softened and compassionate about those in poverty and who are less fortunate than we are. It really sparked an interest for mission trips in my future.
• He has provided me with adults in my life that all have a quality that helps me get to know Him better and continue to grow in Him. There are several leaders at my youth group that I completely adore with all of my heart. I know that if I had any little situation or question, that they would help me no matter the circumstances. I don't know where I would be if I had not seeked help from them all when I need it most.
• I had an experience this week at camp in helping a teenage girl come to accept Jesus Christ in her life. I did a repeat-after-me prayer with her when she realized that she needed Him in her life so bad. It brought tears and a smile to my face when I was able to do this to the first time. I was in tears because I know that feeling of being SO lost that you can't do anything but weep for Him to be in your life.
• God had called me to start my own little ministry through texting. I send out daily Bible verses every weekday morning to OVER 100 people. Although at this exact moment my phone is not working due to my clumsiness, it will be up and running again in no time. He has blessed me with an outreach opportunity to the people in my life that don't have Christ.
• I was able to help a homeless teenager upon returning from my mission trip. God was calling me to provide this girl with the basic needs and to share Him in her life. She was on a 2 year journey after running away from foster care so that she could find her real mother. I truly believe that God called me out personally to do this because He had previously prepared me in San Franciso.
• Although I was completely nervous and second guessing myself... A LOT... I was able to come to the understanding that God provided me with an amazing testimony and that He needs that glory. I shared at camp this week with WELL over 100 high schoolers. As I started to speak, my testimony really just flew outta my mouth. God was speaking right through me and with plenty of prayer before going up there, I was able to deny Satan the ability to shove the "should haves" into my mind afterward.

I think this is probably like a little sliver of what all He has done for me, but I know that these are some big things that have really changed my heart or I know are going to help me along the way.

I remember back when I thought I was FOR SURE disqualified from His Kingdom because I wouldn't give Him ALL of me when I knew I needed to. He ALWAYS privded me even when I didn't necessarily "ask" but He knew I that I needed it.

This last week has been very moving for me. We have talked about taking a stand in our faith with Jesus Christ. He really called me to make that Stand and give Him ALL of my heart, soul, and strength in everything that I do.

All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

Matthew 10:22

Well I'm an official High School Graduate!! =]

High school is such a weird time in life. You start friendships in elementary school, and keep them during middle school, and then high school comes around and everyone is completely different. You lose friendships. You gain some. Everyone changes. And then right when everything seems to fall into place, like everyone in the class is getting along, it's graduation time!

I feel like I am stuck in a "right now" moment with my friends because I don't want to lose them. But now I realize... It has only been almost 2 weeks since graduation and I have yet to talk to a group of my friends that I had considered my "best friends" all year...

People change.

 Some grow up and learn to take independence and life into their own hands, while others would rather not be self motivated with their new beginning.

It's so hard to let go of my friends, but at the same time so easy. I have been told by several that they don't normally last a lifetime. Although I would want them to, I realize the chances of that are very slim.

 People have told me:
"My high school friends and I are facebook friends and meet on a rare occasion, but aren't really "close"."

I had orientation just this last weekend at George Fox University, and I can tell you already that I know that is where God is calling me to be. It is so hard to leave my hometown feel behind, but I know He has bigger and better things for my life. I have already met new people and made new friends.

When I first got on campus I couldn't fathom how beautiful it was!

 I had automatic butterflies in my stomach. I had the "new home" feel inside my automatically. I don't even know how to explain it other than I could feel the presence of God surrounding me and making me feel at home. I was nervous and scared upon arrival and all my fear had suddenly washed away and I was so excited to see more!

I move into my dorms in exactly 65 days from now. (August 26th) I really couldnt feel more excited in my life. I have my classes all picked out and am ready for action!

I want to ask for prayers as I move onto this next stage in my life. I know I am fearless and ready, but there is also that little spot inside of me that doesn't want to leave people behind.

I want to promise everyone that I will keep in touch and not just move on with my life. I have such an amazing support system back here, and I never want to lose any of you guys!

Proverbs 18:24

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.