Vent Session Much?

I have a ton on my mind, but cannot seem to get it out.

So this blog is basically going to a complete venting session.

I really need to clear my head.

Soooo.... Here it goes.

Words that come to mind when I think about my college experience so far:

Amazing.

Horrible. 

Confusing. 

Blessed. 

Hard. 

Time Consuming. 

Stressful. 

Fun. 

Great. 

Interesting. 

There are so many opportunities here and I know I am only a freshman still, but I really need answers. I am a planner. I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing and when I am going to be doing it. I definitely know that God has a plan for me, but I hate waiting around to figure it out. My patience has been very slim lately, probably due to lack of sleep. George Fox was my choice of college and will never ever regret that, but why is it so hard for this place to be all that I wanted? But then again, what was I really expecting when I came here? 

Things are so stressful lately that I feel like I am breaking down in a way. I mean I am making friends, having fun, love my floor, doing fine in classes... What more could I ask for? God is blessing me with so much, but for some reason I am having a hard time not wanting more. College is something I have been waiting for... The opportunity to break free from home and start the biggest change in my life. I finally am able to watch over myself and do things that I want to do, but why do I dislike it more than I ever thought I would?

I have been given the opportunity to be a Spiritual Life leader on my floor along with 3 others. But why is this position so hard to choose. God has opened that door for me, but is softball the door He is closing in place of that? I wish it was so much easier than this. A desire of my heart is to share with people my testimony to glorify God because He has been so wonderful to me, but where will this most be effective? My floor is so great and I really believe that He is calling me to do it, but what about the softball team that I so dearly love? 

Leaving home has been one of the greatest, yet worst things about college. I was ready to be free. I wanted so badly to get away. But who knew it would be so hard at the same time because broken relationships remained broken. I truly believe that I have planted a seed of Christ back home. I have shared all that I can. I was Christ-like and I can't think of anything else to do. Why are some relationships so much harder to mend than others?

One super hard thing to get used to is the fact that I no longer have my support system here. All of Calvary Community and several in Kalama have helped me SO much in my relationship with the Lord in my brightest times and my definite worst times. Everyone here at George Fox are all truly amazing, but I miss the people who have helped get me where I am at. I feel like a piece of me is missing sometimes. I keep in contact with all of them, but I hate not seeing them twice a week like I normally would. I know this is all part of the moving away for college experience, but who knew it would be so hard? I know that I will never lose these close relationships, but how will they ever be the same if I don't get to see or talk to them regularly?

There are so many unanswered questions and it drives me up the wall! God, please just help me understand where you are going with all this. All my frustration has been causing me to be somewhat bitter and that is SO not like me. It may all be lack of sleep, once again... But often I find myself just laying in bed just thinking for hours on end because a full mind keeps me from drifting off. Lord, please keep this bitterness away!

Like most other nights, I have been up long enough tonight thinking about EVERYTHING. Now that I have gotten it all off my chest, I wonder if it will be easier to fall asleep? 

So Worried.

Isn't it just amazing how people can be so worried about things that with prayer and faith God provides for you? I went through this situation with several different categories and really just sat and prayed and knew God would provide me with what I needed as long as I trust in Him.

I was so worried about making friends...

(Me. Kelly. Kris. Taviah. Emily)

(Austin, Rachel)

(Ben)

 GOD PROVIDED!

I was so worried about having the things needed to unpack and decorate my room....

(My side of the dorm.. Not finished completely)

GOD PROVIDED!

I was so worried about having fun...

(Mystery Bus Tour)

(Ice skating!)

GOD PROVIDED!

I was so worried about being who I am and fitting in....

(All Campus Worship Symbolic Activity)

GOD PROVIDED!

I really just wanted you fill people in on how things are going.

And although I completely miss everyone,

I am so glad that God has given me this opportunity to get out into the world, discover my own faith, and be able to be in a complete Christian environment all the time...

More Beautiful You

I have been really struggling lately with self image and self worth lately.

I don't necessarily look at myself and think less of me because of my body weight or the way things look.

But more of what kind of things I have chosen to do

or things that have been done to my body in the past.

And that is where the self worth problems come in.

I always feel like the things in my past are going to greatly affect me in the future.

Like who I am going to marry.

God has someone out there for me

 but I always feel like once that person knows everything about me,

 it is going to change everything.

But that is what God is preparing in the heart of the one I am going to marry.

The willingness to help me with my past and accept that

that is part of who I am.

I got home tonight and really just sat and prayed for God to help me through this

and somehow let me know that there is someone out there and he will think I am perfect.

I then decided to listen online to KLOVE and read my Bible.

As I was laying down reading, the song More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz came on.

I absolutely wept in tears knowing that God is playing this song for me.

In this song it says in one part:

 "But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true and he'll treat you like the jewel you are"

I couldnt believe what I was hearing at first.

This was the answer to my prayer I had said not even 10 minutes earlier.

This song is so amazing and the chorus gets me everytime.

"There could never be a more beautiful you.

Don't buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through.

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do.

So there could never be a more beautiful you."

I posted the song below that has all the lyrics

for those who have not heard the song, or really needed a reminder

that God is going to provide you with someone.

And that you are PERFECT and Beautiful just the way you are.

Attacked!

So yesterday I was having an emotional roller coaster of a day and I knew the moment that the Enemy realized that I was weak and vulnerable, he was going to attack....

Sure enough, he did.

In the midst of trying to journal and just type out all my feelings for the stressful day, I just sat there in daze for a couple minutes and my mind started going off. I started thinking about things that have been done to me and how I responded to those situations with self worth problems and trying to fill that void.

 I started thinking that in an situation where I am hurt, I am going to turn to all that again... I was talking to a couple different people last night and I was just bitter about everything that happened. I was continuously trying to make my self worth seem non-existent again.

I immediately just took a stand and said
 "I am being attacked!"

Sometimes when we are attacked we may become ruled by our emotions and get to the point that we attack back in an irrational manner thus ruining our own testimony. Satan wanted to draw me in so he can diminish my spiritual and physical strength. Satan wanted me to commit all my resources to the attack so that I would be of no value to the Kingdom of God.

I was feeling vulnerable after having a long day and barely any sleep to add to that factor, and didnt think about how the Enemy was going to be waiting for the perfect time to do it. Sometimes I think its so hard to believe that all of this can happen in a period of 4 hours, but it did.

I literally got as far as thinking about future relationships in this attack. I automatically though to myself that anyone that I get close to in that manner is going to judge me because of my past. I thought that I was disqualified from ever finding true love. Satan tells us such horrible lies in the moments of attack and when you are weak, you have no choice but to believe them. And with me, if I try to ignore these lies and accusations, it will all turn into guilt and shame.

I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life to whom I know I can turn to and talk to about my attack and be able to calm down through it and realize once again that God is on my side. He has given me the authority to stop the Enemy mid-attack.

This is not the first of my attacks and I know it will not be the last, but I fear for those yet to come.
God did not give me a spirit of fear but the spirit of power and love through Christ Jesus.

You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

-John 8:44

One Year!

So as of today, 7/24/10, I have been baptized for one whole year!

I have just returned from Mayfield Lake Youth Camp and who I was last year at this point at camp, is a totally different person that I am today coming home from camp now...

Last year I remember trying to figure out who I was in Christ.

I was Confused. Broken. Hurting. Lost.

This year is COMPLETELY different.

I am Filled. Compassionate. Over joyed. Genuinely happy.

This past year I have had uncountable blessings.

I believe that God needs to receive all the glory for things He has done in my born again life.

• God blessed me with the most amazing opportunity to serve Him. He provided me with funds and with the support to go on a mission trip to San Francisco. He really worked through my heart when we were there. I have been completely softened and compassionate about those in poverty and who are less fortunate than we are. It really sparked an interest for mission trips in my future.
• He has provided me with adults in my life that all have a quality that helps me get to know Him better and continue to grow in Him. There are several leaders at my youth group that I completely adore with all of my heart. I know that if I had any little situation or question, that they would help me no matter the circumstances. I don't know where I would be if I had not seeked help from them all when I need it most.
• I had an experience this week at camp in helping a teenage girl come to accept Jesus Christ in her life. I did a repeat-after-me prayer with her when she realized that she needed Him in her life so bad. It brought tears and a smile to my face when I was able to do this to the first time. I was in tears because I know that feeling of being SO lost that you can't do anything but weep for Him to be in your life.
• God had called me to start my own little ministry through texting. I send out daily Bible verses every weekday morning to OVER 100 people. Although at this exact moment my phone is not working due to my clumsiness, it will be up and running again in no time. He has blessed me with an outreach opportunity to the people in my life that don't have Christ.
• I was able to help a homeless teenager upon returning from my mission trip. God was calling me to provide this girl with the basic needs and to share Him in her life. She was on a 2 year journey after running away from foster care so that she could find her real mother. I truly believe that God called me out personally to do this because He had previously prepared me in San Franciso.
• Although I was completely nervous and second guessing myself... A LOT... I was able to come to the understanding that God provided me with an amazing testimony and that He needs that glory. I shared at camp this week with WELL over 100 high schoolers. As I started to speak, my testimony really just flew outta my mouth. God was speaking right through me and with plenty of prayer before going up there, I was able to deny Satan the ability to shove the "should haves" into my mind afterward.

I think this is probably like a little sliver of what all He has done for me, but I know that these are some big things that have really changed my heart or I know are going to help me along the way.

I remember back when I thought I was FOR SURE disqualified from His Kingdom because I wouldn't give Him ALL of me when I knew I needed to. He ALWAYS privded me even when I didn't necessarily "ask" but He knew I that I needed it.

This last week has been very moving for me. We have talked about taking a stand in our faith with Jesus Christ. He really called me to make that Stand and give Him ALL of my heart, soul, and strength in everything that I do.

All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

Matthew 10:22