Relying on Him

I jokingly told a friend the other day that I wish I could just hibernate for the next three weeks, but I am starting to think that I wasn't really joking as much as I thought I was.

I say this not to be anti-social, but rather I am just in this weird funk that seems almost impossible to get out of. I spent all Saturday morning and afternoon in solitude—just me and Jesus—and I thought that that might do the trick. I thought maybe if I just dug deep into His presence, then my heart would be so full that I would feel like everything was better.

Today I feel like my cup is empty. I am so exhausted in every aspect. I feel as if my strength has been stripped away, leaving me in a very emotional state. I came back to my room after a long day of classes and couldn't do anything but cry. And there wasn't really any good reason besides feeling overwhelmed and as if my hope is slowly dwindling away. I know there is so much truth behind the statement "Well, we all have bad days" but this has been going on for almost a week now, and I am worn out.

I can only hope and pray that this nightmare will be over at the end of these next three weeks, but until then I cannot continue to allow myself to fall into the lies that the enemy has been consistently whispering in my ear.

"You are weak, and can be defeated."
"How can you believe that God is with you?"
"There is no purpose in this suffering. Give up."
"It's not worth the fight."

These are all things that I know with all of my heart are not true, but when they are persistently being fed to me... I can't help but break down; crying out to God that He makes His presence known by surrounding me with an unexplainable peace.

At this moment in time, all I can think about it how CS Lewis says it best—"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done."

I pray that I can realize every morning that there is no other way to live than to rely on Him with all of my being; trusting that He is always with me, even when I don't feel it.

Three Seconds

I woke up this morning excited that I had nothing planned. I was going to lay in my bed all day and just watch TV shows on my laptop. It sounded like a perfect day to me!

I got up and sat at my desk to read my Bible for a little bit, and right then and there... it hit me. After getting a full nights rest (12 hours! Thank you Lord!) why on Earth would I want to crawl right back in bed all day and do nothing?

I was trying to think about what I could do.

Something fun. And spontaneous... away from Fox and by myself.

Of course the first thing that pops into my head is road trip.
But to where?

Cannon Beach. Enough said.

I immediately got up, got dressed, grabbed some extra clothes in case it was raining... And I was off.

This morning and afternoon spent in Cannon Beach was absolute bliss and exactly what I needed. I spent the whole drive to Cannon Beach in prayer; turning all of my worries over to the only One who can handle them all.

Then I spent time walking the beach, as well as a good chunk of time at Insomnia Coffee Company reading my Bible and journaling about something that has been challenging me lately.

How often do we strain ourselves searching for the peace that is described in Philippians?

"Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

I feel like I am constantly praying and searching for that peace, but do I ever just be still?

My friend challenged me by sharing this:

"I was talking to *John (forgot name) and he was telling me about how he was sitting in the chair at that game, and just in 3 seconds he sat back and watched his family and friends share drinks, laugh, smile, and talk. And just in those 3 seconds, he was overwhelmed by peace."

I wonder how many times I have missed my 3 seconds, or how many times I get mad because it's not longer than that.

Today was different though.

As I stood at the waters edge, staring out into the vastness of the ocean, I felt a peace like I never have before.

Lord, I want to thank you for my '3 seconds' today and I want to pray that I continue to be still long enough to experience it more often. 

Blissful Day.

Prayerful Tears

If you told me a year ago—I mean heck—if you even told me the day before I was diagnosed that I was going to battle cancer at 20 years old, I would have never believed you.

Cancer is one of those things you obviously know happens, but never believe will happen to you.

Having cancer has taught me a lot, but the learning has been painful, isolating, discouraging.... heartbreaking.

People call me brave and strong; inspirational and courageous. And generally speaking, I always have a hard time believing these compliments. I am just simply trying my best to live a normal life in the face of great adversity.

I am not trying to undermine these encouraging compliments that many of you have given me because honestly your words of affirmation are what get me through most days. People tell me what they're praying for some days—for example:
"I pray that the peace that passes understanding will be with you today. God moves even when we don't feel Him and His spirit is laying heavy on you today." or "Praying that you feel the hand of God today but also praying that for those times you can't feel it, that you would cling to the knowledge you have in the Lord."... These things are very appreciated and needed.

Something else I hear all the time is that people don't believe that they would be like me in this situation; they seem to not believe that they would adhere to their faith. And in all honesty, I didn't think that I would have the strength that I do either, but this is just a clear example that God does give you strength when you need it.

I have cried more in just the last couple days than I have throughout my whole cancer battle thus far. I don't know why, but I am having such a hard time. I find myself constantly wishing that this wasn't the road I had to be on; wishing that there is some way to go back in time and somehow not get cancer. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow that is going tell me whether I will be needing a bone marrow transplant, and find myself already preparing for the procedure because I expect the worst. I mean, I already have one of my best friends who wants to donate bone barrow for me if she is a match.

I am constantly praying for those around me, but as soon as it comes to having a conversation with God about myself–I choke up. I don't know what to say. I try so hard to believe that prayer is powerful enough to move the hand of God, but I can't help but wonder why it hasn't done so yet.

"Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can't speak."

I believe that God has a plan for me beyond my cancer, but until then, I need to be okay that my prayers may only consist of tears. And in the midst of crying, I will turn my focus towards Him, and maybe for just a second I can bask in His holiness while the worldly woes vanish around me.

It Is Well

It has been a very draining week. I have spent countless hours in the hospital between surgery, physical therapy, radiation, more biopsies, and getting ready for chemo that starts tomorrow. It is difficult to continuously be crushed by the power of cancer and the looming threat of spreading and relapse.

How do I find any kind of comfort in this?

I find myself constantly frustrated that the end is always just out of reach, but today I was reminded that it is a choice each and every single day to choose how I look at the situation I am in . Of course I need to make sure I am honest about my feelings, but what if even on the hardest of days I chose to always seek out the comfort of Christ?

As suffering has overtaken my heart, filled my mind with fear, and has turned my life upside down—I must choose to turn to Christ for comfort and peace. He is the only genuine hope we can cling to in such dark and sorrow filled moment.

William Cowper said in a poem, "Behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face." I am certain that God has hidden His smiling face behind this bitter providence in my life. It's just hard because the only thing I continue to see is the looming clouds of darkness. I have found that the comforting words of friends and the peace of God that passes all understanding are what is capable of bringing true hope in the midst of this all.

Today in church we sang It Is Well with My Soul, then after the service a sweet friend of mine came up to me and said, "Is it well with your soul? I was thinking about you during that song!"

I didn't know what to say. It is, but it isn't. I came home and immediately listened to the song again.

     When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, 'It is well with my soul.'
     Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
     My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part, but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
     And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll, The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, 'Even so,' it is well with my soul. 
Chorus: It is well with my soul, It is well, it is well with my soul

How can I find hope and comfort in the midst of suffering? I can run to Jesus and find absolute hope and comfort in the death of Jesus Christ. Jesus' death has completely defeated my suffering. Hope doesn't exist in the world, but it does exist in Christ.

So even now, in the midst of my suffering; in the midst of the unknown, heartache, frustration and fear...

It is well with my soul.

Just Out Of Reach

Today I have spent a lot of time in tears; tears of frustration.

Complete remission has been just within arms reach several times in the last 6 1/2 months, but each time the door gets slammed right in my face.

While sitting at my doctors appointment today, my doctor walked in with a little folder and informed me that my biopsy results are in.

My eyes got big, almost gleaming in a sense, because I believed that today was going to be the day that I would be declared cancer-free.

But my doctor had a different look in his eye.

A look of despair; of sorrow... The look of bad news.

Everything he started explaining to me made no sense at all. And I mean that literally. I think this was honestly the first time that I was completely confused at what the results showed.

The best explanation I received was this:

"The cells in the removed lymph nodes and the cells in the newly enlarged lymph nodes are all acting and spreading as if they are cancerous, but they show no physical characteristics (such as shape, genetic mutations, etc.) that would indicate cancer." 

All I heard from all of this is that I have to go through 4 weeks of oral chemo starting on Monday to kill off these abnormal cells.

Once again, I am left making a 28-link paper chain; hoping that this would be the last one I have to make for this cancer battle.

BATTLE [bat-tle/batl/]: Fight or struggle tenaciously to achieve or resist something.
SOLDIER [sol-jer]: Someone who fights FOR you.

These are words that have constantly been used these last 6 1/2 months. I am suited up for battle, and I am so thankful to have so many soldiers in my corner.

"Everybody has a home team: It's the people you call when you get a flat tire or when something terrible happens. It's the people who, near or far, know everything that's wrong with you and love you anyways. These are the ones who tell you their secrets, who get themselves a glass of water without asking when they're at your house. These are the people who cry when you cry. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people." 
*Shauna Niequist; Bittersweet.

I have these kind of people in my life. I have a home team. My support system seems infinite and because of that-I am incredibly blessed. This whole thing is a constant reminder that we are ALL intimately loved by the God who has infinite resources, that come in the form of these amazing people, these helping hands...adding strength and courage to any fight.

I swear, without them, I would not have made it this far.

They are there for my sad days with endless solace and support and on the blessed victorious days, with tearful cheers.

This is proof that He is always consistent and steadfast; always providing.

There isn't any amount of darkness that even one small candle can't brighten and in that, faith and hope are rising. Right. Now.

God is still good;
Even when my world has been shaken over and over again.