Prayerful Tears

If you told me a year ago—I mean heck—if you even told me the day before I was diagnosed that I was going to battle cancer at 20 years old, I would have never believed you.

Cancer is one of those things you obviously know happens, but never believe will happen to you.

Having cancer has taught me a lot, but the learning has been painful, isolating, discouraging.... heartbreaking.

People call me brave and strong; inspirational and courageous. And generally speaking, I always have a hard time believing these compliments. I am just simply trying my best to live a normal life in the face of great adversity.

I am not trying to undermine these encouraging compliments that many of you have given me because honestly your words of affirmation are what get me through most days. People tell me what they're praying for some days—for example:
"I pray that the peace that passes understanding will be with you today. God moves even when we don't feel Him and His spirit is laying heavy on you today." or "Praying that you feel the hand of God today but also praying that for those times you can't feel it, that you would cling to the knowledge you have in the Lord."... These things are very appreciated and needed.

Something else I hear all the time is that people don't believe that they would be like me in this situation; they seem to not believe that they would adhere to their faith. And in all honesty, I didn't think that I would have the strength that I do either, but this is just a clear example that God does give you strength when you need it.

I have cried more in just the last couple days than I have throughout my whole cancer battle thus far. I don't know why, but I am having such a hard time. I find myself constantly wishing that this wasn't the road I had to be on; wishing that there is some way to go back in time and somehow not get cancer. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow that is going tell me whether I will be needing a bone marrow transplant, and find myself already preparing for the procedure because I expect the worst. I mean, I already have one of my best friends who wants to donate bone barrow for me if she is a match.

I am constantly praying for those around me, but as soon as it comes to having a conversation with God about myself–I choke up. I don't know what to say. I try so hard to believe that prayer is powerful enough to move the hand of God, but I can't help but wonder why it hasn't done so yet.

"Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can't speak."

I believe that God has a plan for me beyond my cancer, but until then, I need to be okay that my prayers may only consist of tears. And in the midst of crying, I will turn my focus towards Him, and maybe for just a second I can bask in His holiness while the worldly woes vanish around me.